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  #11  
Old 04-10-2014, 08:50 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by Lizzy30 View Post
So now 4 weeks later, he has been all over her, I feel way too much - although I do understand in order for us all to be 1 unit, this must be. The problem is I know their connection is really strong. I've been trying to connect with her but I can't. In all this time we have all been together twice and bcz of my suggestions.
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Originally Posted by Lizzy30 View Post
I cut that out for sure, I feel like she shouldn't do things I don't. I love him so much but lately we argue so much and its becoming an issue.
You're new to open relationships, so I'll try to be gentle. But these are serious red flags for me.

The first is the first section I highlighted: You have an idea that you have to date "as a unit." This is totally untrue. While it's possible, many, many poly people date separately; while still having very strong connections within the core poly group. I would think to yourself why you want this.

The second is the idea that she "can't" do things with him that you don't. Their relationship isn't your relationship. Think about it with your friends; if your friend loved salsa dancing, and you didn't, would you forbid your friend from dancing with another friend? Of course not. If there are things they are doing that YOU want to be doing with him, then TELL him. He isn't a mind reader. She is obviously confident enough to ask for what she wants. Step up and have that same confidence.

It sounds like you are close to ultimatum. Just a couple of warnings: 1) If you make him choose, he may not choose you. 2) Even if he chooses you, he's obviously giving up someone he cares about. Do you really want to do this to him? Even if he doesn't resent you/end up cheating on you/eventually leave you, that's a pretty shitty thing to do to someone you claim to love.
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  #12  
Old 04-10-2014, 11:18 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings Lizzy30,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Before making too many rules (or pulling the plug), focus on trying to communicate to your boyfriend that you are feeling neglected due to his NRE. He needs to understand that when you have a new partner, you have to be extra careful to make sure your original partner doesn't feel neglected in any way.

This is new for both of you, so give it some time and don't saddle yourselves with too many expectations. You're going to make some mistakes and suffer some disappointments in the early months (years!). Polyamory takes a lot of work and patience (and like all romantic arrangements, an element of risk), but it has a reputation for being worth it.

Hang in there and keep us posted!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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