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Old 04-13-2010, 10:01 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
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Default Humiliation

So,
I wasn't going to write this. Because- Who wants to share their humiliation!

But honesty is a BIG part of making polyamory work and being honest means being honest about the good AND THE BAD right?

Ok-so I'm having this struggle.
I'm learning in leaps and bounds.

Something I have learned and was THRILLED to find repeated in an email I recieved from a friend this weekend-
is that we flourish when we focus on the positive. There are LOTS of reasons for this-but they don't pertain to this post so I'm not going to get into them right now.

I've made a point of focusing on the positive. Specifically positive INTENT. Not everyone has a positive intent for their actions. But I assume positive intent. That way even if I find out later that it wasn't positive intent, as stated by my friend, I haven't wasted the interim time being miserable thinking that they had negative intent BEFORE I KNEW it. Which means I am overall a happier person.

Anyway-how this is humiliating for me is that OVER AND OVER again one or the other of my men expresses intent to do/say or not do/not say something or other. I take this at face value with the assumption that this positive behavior is their TRUE intent.

Then-they drop the ball or whatever and it creates (at least for me) the impression that everything I said about "things going well" or "making progress" or whatever are lies-or I'm seriously delusional.

THAT creates a sense of humiliation in me that leaves me not wanting to go on our trip to Canada.
Not because I don't want to meet the 4 people there that I have arranged to meet. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to meet them.
But because I feel humiliated.

Now-I have no intetion of allowing my emotions to control me-so I'm not going to cancel my trip. I WANT to go meet tthese people and I BELIEVE that doing so will be a HUGE part of helping myself grow in the areas I'm trying to grow in. SO I am going.

BUT I also think that since I am feeling these emotions-part of "growing" in the areas I'm trying to grow in-is honestly acknowledging these emotions and claiming them so that I can deal with them and resolve them.
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emotions, going through them, growth, honesty

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