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  #31  
Old 04-07-2014, 08:29 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I would be rather pissed to find out someone hid their relationship status from me at a first date. I think it should be apart of the pre first date conversation. Why waste the other persons time if your relationship status would be a deal breaker for them.

How would you feel if you went on a date and were really into someone. Things get flirty and hot and heavy and they then pop the news that they have herpes. While many view it as just a skin condition others it is a HUGE deal breaker.

While they do not need to know all your information up front you should disclose important common deal breakers. For many those are relationship status, disease status, children...
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Last edited by Dagferi; 04-07-2014 at 08:32 PM.
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  #32  
Old 04-07-2014, 09:18 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
I would be pretty pissed to get out on a date to discover someone intentionally hid the fact they were in a relationship. I think if it gets to the point you ask someone out, that is the point it should be disclosed, not while out on a date. That right there would be the end of the date for mw, even if I was cool with it. The dishonestly would be a major deal breaker
Second that. I tell someone as soon as I have interest, and they show interest back.
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  #33  
Old 04-07-2014, 09:44 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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It might not be a deal breaker for me, but it would definitely put a damper on the whole thing, even though I tent to prefer people who have partners, because I wouldn't trust them to be honest with me during the relationship if they were hiding something like that.
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  #34  
Old 04-07-2014, 09:48 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I think it's important to differentiate between "what I would like to know" and "what I am entitled to know."

In my opinion, nobody is entitled to know anything much at all about a particular person. Especially if they don't ask. Frankly, anyone who goes on a date assuming the other person is single, just because they didn't say "hey by the way, I'm married and I have two girlfriends," is guilty of making assumptions and not checking them out. Don't blame other people for your assumptions. If it's that important to you to know that someone has other relationships, then it's your responsibility to ask. I can't possibly be expected to know each and ever trigger or deal breaker that a person might have.

If you try to play it out as "some things are just common sense" then remember where you're posting. This is a poly forum. For a lot of people, it's "just common sense" that you can't even have two girlfriends. You're either monogamous or cheating. So as soon as you stop dating in "the mono world," a lot of those "common sense" assumptions you've made all your life fly right out the window.

Personally, I don't see any first date as a "waste of time" just because it doesn't result in a long term relationship, or even a second date. I enjoy every encounter for what it is. If it goes further, then I enjoy that too. If it doesn't, I get on with my life.
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  #35  
Old 04-07-2014, 10:24 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Well, in my case, I would mention being polyamorous before the first date. So if the other person is polyamorous as well, here is their chance. I would definitely think it was untentional if they didn't let me know at that point "oh, me too" and then during the first date were all "okay, there is something you need to know..."

That, or they didn't pay attention when I said it or something.

Mind you, it's different if they thought I knew and end up mentioning their wife/girlfriend/partner casually in discussion, and are surprised that I didn't know about them. That isn't deceit.

So in short, if I felt like they intentionally tried to hide it I would probably not be happy about that. Whether I'm entitled to know it or not is beside the point. Whether I want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't disclose at the time I prefer is what it's about. As weird as people's criteria might seem to other people, they're still allowed to have those criteria.

Last edited by Tonberry; 04-07-2014 at 10:27 PM.
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  #36  
Old 04-07-2014, 10:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
So in short, if I felt like they intentionally tried to hide it I would probably not be happy about that. Whether I'm entitled to know it or not is beside the point. Whether I want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't disclose at the time I prefer is what it's about. As weird as people's criteria might seem to other people, they're still allowed to have those criteria.
Yep. This I can agree with. I totally support refusing to continue dating someone whom you believe is deliberately misleading you. I was just meaning that I wouldn't necessarily take "not volunteering everything" as deliberately misleading. There are way too many deal breakers out there to predict all of them, so you have to ask. The spirit of "asking" doesn't have to be a direct question, either. Like you said, if you tell someone and then they don't reciprocate, that would be weird.
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The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #37  
Old 04-07-2014, 11:27 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I prefer to have deal breakers out in the open as soon as is feasible. But that does not automatically mean first date. And I do a lot of 'pre-sorting' by openly noting on dating sites that I am poly and kiny. Being in a relationship already is also something I think important to note upfront.

From reading this board for a few years, it seem that mostly men try the 'don't mention poly at first' tactic. And I think it is done out of fear of scarcity. I totally understand that stating one's polyness drastically reduces the potential pool of dates. But that is true regardless of if one is initially upfront about poly or brings it up later on. I don't see the point of waiting. Monogamy or non-monogamy, in a relationship already or not in in a relationship already, are major deal breakers for many, maybe most people. If I was a monogamous woman, seeking a monogamous relationship, I would be really annoyed if my exciting date was already married, even if he or she was honest about it in person. I wonder if choosing to wait until first date, or later, to disclose contributes to the stereotype of poly men as only hound dogs out for sex. (I'm not saying the stereotype is fair. But it definitely exists and shapes how some people think about poly.)

I also run into this from the 'other' side as in monos flirting with me. I get some messages from men on dating sites where once I go to their profile I wonder why in the heck they messaged me. Their profiles go on and on about finding that special woman, looking for the one, how treasured they will treat that person. The language they use to describe what they want is so heavily saturated with mono ideals that I can't see where I could possibly fit. I'm cool with some folks wanting monogamy. That makes sense to me. But why bother messaging me? It's clear from my profile - which some have read because they tailored their message - that I'm not into anonymous or one night stands. I state my interest in FWBs - but emphasize the 'friends' part of that. I guess that could still be taken to mean down to fuck by some. I suppose it is as simple as some men playing the odds and messaging the poly, kinky chick on off chance to get some sex. But given that many of my messages fall into this category, I find it disheartening at times. I was wondering if there are any ideas for cutting down on this.
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  #38  
Old 04-08-2014, 01:38 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Honestly... I think there definitely are guys who write down "looking for the one" in their profiles but are (also) looking for casual sex. They just think it looks bad if they say so. And then they see you're open and they're like "score! She'll have sex with me!" because they assume, somehow, that it means you'll have sex with anyone.
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  #39  
Old 04-08-2014, 02:49 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
I prefer to have deal breakers out in the open as soon as is feasible. But that does not automatically mean first date. And I do a lot of 'pre-sorting' by openly noting on dating sites that I am poly and kiny. Being in a relationship already is also something I think important to note upfront.

From reading this board for a few years, it seem that mostly men try the 'don't mention poly at first' tactic. And I think it is done out of fear of scarcity. I totally understand that stating one's polyness drastically reduces the potential pool of dates. But that is true regardless of if one is initially upfront about poly or brings it up later on. I don't see the point of waiting. Monogamy or non-monogamy, in a relationship already or not in in a relationship already, are major deal breakers for many, maybe most people. If I was a monogamous woman, seeking a monogamous relationship, I would be really annoyed if my exciting date was already married, even if he or she was honest about it in person. I wonder if choosing to wait until first date, or later, to disclose contributes to the stereotype of poly men as only hound dogs out for sex. (I'm not saying the stereotype is fair. But it definitely exists and shapes how some people think about poly.)
There's a huge difference between the limited space on a dating profile, where the word poly can trigger so much ignorance and misunderstanding and sitting across from someone, explaining how it works, answering questions, and putting a successful human face on a social taboo.

My partner Audrey (f) doesn't put it on her dating profiles, but has a great success rate at getting people (she's pansexual) to give things a chance that they might not have otherwise. She doesn't have a hard and fast rule. Often she chats with people for months or weeks, either in the app or through texts, and when it comes up...it comes up. We've had a talk about my feelings, vis-a-vis not wanting to feel hidden and therefore unimportant...and we're on the same page. She loves me, values our relationship and brings it up if and when there's a need to...i.e. not casual dating. And it so happens that I've been able to do the same myself.

I think men have the reputation for being aggressively horny no matter what their orientation because they have been socialized to be such, in part by the misogynistic culture we live in.

In the younger segment of today's dating culture, it's all non-committal anyway. A great deal of people are dating more than one person casually, with at least one person in their rotation as their main "friend". With that as the landscape, finding out someone is poly isn't that great a shock. The idea that someone could expect you to be committed only to them on the first date is a little far afield anyway. Having a committed partner doesn't mean the new person is precluded from becoming just as important as the original partner. In fact, I struggled with that fear for months as I was adjusting to being poly. In practice, as well all read daily on these boards, it's often the new person who gets an extraordinary attention (NRE), sometimes to the neglect of the original partner.

A lot of what is "acceptable" and "not acceptable" comes from the community you're in, your age range, your education level, etc. - a ton of factors. And just when you're ready to assume someone can't handle polyamory, they can surprise you.
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  #40  
Old 04-08-2014, 03:40 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
I think there definitely are guys who write down "looking for the one" in their profiles but are (also) looking for casual sex.
I wonder how many of them write that solely because they believe it's what women want, and it makes them appear more desirable?
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