New to this and dealing with jealousy

[KatTails]

One step forward - 10 steps back: the story of my life!

In the wake of Fridays "date" with my husbands GF - where I was feeling positive and at peace - things have rapidly gone down hill! The issue of her meeting our friends and family - which I am just not ready for right now and having a very difficult time accepting - has had me angsty and worried. She was very nice yesterday and sent me a text that said not to be angsty, that my husband loves me. I thought it was sweet - but the fears of her pushing to meet our friends and family still stayed with me. At one point, she said that her and I needed to set a date to work towards so that she's not pushing and I'm not dragging my feet. I cannot and will not put a date on my feelings. My husband knew that something was wrong last night - but I didn't want to burden or worry him so I told him that I wanted to work on the feelings myself - though I know I could talk to him about it anytime. I didn't want this to get blown up into some dramatic fight with him or her. I was trying to avoid a fight.

Well, that is exactly what happened today. I'm not going to say what led up to it - because it is irrelevant really, but she sent me a series of pretty pushy, disrespectful texts: "I AM in his life...a significant other in his life. I will know his family and friends. I am not asking to know your family and friends...only you can make it hard on [husband] transitioning me into his and your life. His [family member] should never had known I was his lover until you could be honest with who you are and what your lifestyle is. But that is not how it happened. That damage was done by your drama and [husband] feeling a need to explain your hysteria. I did not push for that to be revealed. I DO DESERVE to know his friends and family. As he deserves to be part of all that is good and bad in my life. I will wait for it to happen but make no mistakes it will happen. [Husband] and I both want to be bigger partrs in each others lives. That includes but is not exclusive to you."

I did not respond because as I said, I did not want to cause drama. Prior to receiving her texts, I was talking to my husband on the phone and told him some of the things that were bothering me the night before. He 100% agreed with me about the situation. He said that HE will decide when we introduce GF to our friends and family - and that he would ONLY do that when he knew I was completely ok with everything. He was not happy with her or me though he agreed with me. After hanging up with him, I received her texts. I sent him part of her text that I posted above and told him that that shows she has no respect for me as a person or as his wife. He sent an angry text to both her and I saying that he was furious with both of us: her for pushing the issue of meeting family and friends which he asked her not to do and at me for my "obvious attempts at controlling and limiting everything."
I sent him a text letting him know how upset I was - but I did not flip out, lose it, melt down or cry - a HUGE change for me!

A few minutes later - GF sent both him and I an angry, bitter, nasty, f-word filled text saying that she was mad that he was involved, that I involved him and that no wonder I don't have any friends and that she is done trying to be friends, for me to never contact her and that she was disappointed in his reaction. She COMPLETELY lost it. I sent her a text saying that I purposely did not respond to her earlier texts because they were hurtful and that I was not going to turn this into a dramatic thing. I told her that she underestimates and doesn't understand our marriage and that she can't expect me to not tell him things that are going on. If she is going to send me hurtful, nasty texts, of course I'm going to tell him just as she would if I did that. I did tell her that she was was "a selfish, hypocritical person with a nasty, bitter and hurtful heart" and that her mean texts to me prove that.

I have not heard from either of them the rest of the day and I don't plan to. For once, I did not cause this drama! I have kept my cool and like I said, I did not melt down, flip out or cry once over this. I'm done with bs drama. It might not seem like much - but I am very proud of myself. Now the chips will fall where they may. I don't know where things are going to go from here.

There has been a lot of talk on here about boundaries - and I feel that GF is very resentful that I need some boundaries right now. I never say never, but as the GF, she needs to understand that what they do does affect me. I am not ready right now for her to meet our friends and family - and she needs to respect that. She is very pushy and impatient and I am still very much wanting to take this slow so that I can get a handle on my emotions and work further towards acceptance and a friendship with her. I am not asking them to take their relationship slow - it is what it is and I understand that. However, this aspect of it does affect me greatly and she needs to be respectful and understanding of that. She's not. How can I respect someone who has no respect for me or my marriage? How can I become friends with someone like that?

Frustrating and sad. I feel bad for how this is going to affect my husband. No matter what - I will always be here for him - and he knows that.

Sorry for the long post - this has been a crazy day and I'm sure it isn't done yet. Thank you for giving me a place to vent and to receive advice and support.

Kat

[MonoVCPHG]

This is my immediate and emotional response. I am probably full of crap:

Her e-mail is totally out of line, presumptious, disrespectful and pushy. This is not a woman who plans on being anything less than his primary partner in my opinion. Beware of this one. She's looking to replace not share.

Hopefully your husband will honour you as his wife and defend you as well, not that you need defending.

[KatTails]

Originally posted by LR

I'm just saying that the gf FIRST has a responsibility to build and become friends with the wife before she can expect to be introduced "as a friend of the family". Right now she's NOT a friend of the family.

I have a boyfriend and a husband. Neither of them have anyone else at this point. But our boundary list clearly agrees that a new S.O. MUST take the time to build a relationship with us. There's no way they are going to be introduced as a friend of the family if they aren't ACTUALLY a friend of the family.

LR - I thought that GF and I were on our way to becoming friends, but her constant pushing and demanding to meet his friends and family isn't going to allow for that. I understand that it is something she wants to happen - but for her to demand it to happen at this point in time is ridiculous and disrespectful.

Accepting that my husband has a GF, that he is in love with someone else, that they have sex, share secrets, etc - has been a painful and long journey. But I accept it. Introducing her to our friends and family, even as just a friend, feels too intrusive right now. I feel that it is a huge step and I'm not ready yet. I don't understand what the rush is. For me, baby steps are important in this kind of situation. I am mono, I think like a mono - this is a huge thing to quickly accept.

What is also frustrating is that GF has outright said that she would NEVER be ok with my husband having another GF - that she wouldn't be able to handle that and that she doesn't know how I do it. Yet, she wants more and more of my husband and gets mad and resentful when I struggle, when I need boundaries and when I say I am not ready for this next step. WTF? How is that fair? It is sooooo hypocritical! She wouldn't be willing to step into my shoes and to try to accept another woman into her and my husbands life - but I should bend over backwards to do just that with her? And how would she feel if that woman wanted to meet his friends and family too - and possibly hers? Hypocritical and annoying.

But thanks LR for your understanding and support - even though you wouldn't have a problem with it - you are open enough to understand why I would.

Originally posted by mono

Her e-mail is totally out of line, presumptious, disrespectful and pushy. This is not a woman who plans on being anything less than his primary partner in my opinion. Beware of this one. She's looking to replace not share. Hopefully your husband will honour you as his wife and defend you as well, not that you need defending.

Mono - I don't think you're full of crap at all! I have always had a slight mistrust of GF for this exact reason. If she could have him to herself - she would. I have a hard time trusting any woman, especially a wife, who would go after a man, knowing he is happily married, has children and is proud that he was the one man where they worked that wasn't cheating on his wife. Yet, that is what she did. If our marriage ended tomorrow - so would hers, so that she could have him to herself. She's not happy being loved by him, by dating him, sleeping with him, getting to know him. She wants more and more and sees me as being in the way - which is where her resentment comes in. Yet, knowing this is how she feels, I have tried again and again to try to become friends with her for my husbands sake.

My husband can see both sides - but he is supporting me and understands that things cannot move forward until I am ready. He does not want me to drag my feet - but he does understand and has told her that she will not meet our friends and family until I am ready. Yet, she keeps pushing. And no, I don't need defending, but I do need my husband to remember that we are a team and always will be. As secondary, she does have her "place" and needs to understand and respect that. She cannot expect to get the same committment from him after one year, as I have after 19.


Kat

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Her e-mail is totally out of line, presumptious, disrespectful and pushy. This is not a woman who plans on being anything less than his primary partner in my opinion. Beware of this one. She's looking to replace not share.

After your last post, I agree with mono. She is looking to be a singular primary.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by KatTails

What is also frustrating is that GF has outright said that she would NEVER be ok with my husband having another GF - that she wouldn't be able to handle that and that she doesn't know how I do it. Yet, she wants more and more of my husband and gets mad and resentful when I struggle, when I need boundaries and when I say I am not ready for this next step.

Kat

REDFLAG!

"This is not a woman who plans on being anything less than his primary partner in my opinion. Beware of this one. She's looking to replace not share."

[LovingRadiance]

LR - I thought that GF and I were on our way to becoming friends, but her constant pushing and demanding to meet his friends and family isn't going to allow for that. I understand that it is something she wants to happen - but for her to demand it to happen at this point in time is ridiculous and disrespectful.

Kat-see my highlighted words please.

NO ONE has a right to DEMAND friendship. That is just absurd.
IF she wants to be introduced as a friend of the family she needs to BE a friend of the family.

It sounds like she wants the "1st place prize" without training for the race much less winning.

What is also frustrating is that GF has outright said that she would NEVER be ok with my husband having another GF

EEEEKKKKKKK....
That is a DANGEROUS stand in her position!
Now-don't get me wrong, Mono has been quite clear that for him to be RP's boyfriend there are limitations on her having ADDITIONAL boyfriends. I get that. BUT-it's REALLY important to make sure that whatever your criteria are, they are "do-able" for the other person before you get into the relationship too deep.

Now-personally, I don't foresee myself needing another boyfriend. I have maca, I have GG I'm in love with each other them and that's good.
BUT I also don't deny that I AM BI and that means that I can't say I would NEVER want a woman... I don't right now.

The thing is for me-as I said to Maca (again) last night, whoever draws the line in the sand loses. (I added for him, I sure hope you don't draw it). Because in my life-if someone says "you can't have that person in your life" the speaker is the one to go.......
I can handle "I don't care for that person and feel you should look at these aspects. I would prefer they not be here."
AND
usually I will do something about it.
But to TELL ME who I can have in my life (I'm not talking about S.O per se, just in my life) yeah-I don't think so.

But thanks LR for your understanding and support - even though you wouldn't have a problem with it - you are open enough to understand why I would.

Yes, yes I can. Because it's a no-brainer. You are being mature about TRYING to deal with something that you never wanted for your life. That is HUGE. You deserve respect for that. SHE wants to be in a poly relationship..... you didn't.
It's a no-brainer.
I didn't want to have stepchildren-I chose to have them, but didn't want them. I expect some grace in learning to be a great mother to them (actually there is only one). I DID become a GREAT mother to him-because of patience and time.
But someone who says "I want to be a stepmother" and then has a temper tantrum about the possibility of their child having a step-parent-THAT is a hypocrit.

SHE is a SECOND S.O. to this man BY CHOICE-therefore she needs to show some RESPECT for the fact that SHE chose this, you did not.

Don't get me wrong-I can go on and on and on about respect on all sides-in fact have been with Maca all freaking weekend. BUT-it DOES have to go all the way around. The "third" does NOT get to be disrespectful all the while whining and demanding to get their way. That is NOT how it will WORK. All about WORK and FUNCTIONAL and her method-I repeat, is neither.

And-I agree with Mon-with my poly brain.
Course I OFTEN agree with Mon in spite of my poly brain!

[KatTails]

Originally posted by LR - - -

Yes, yes I can. Because it's a no-brainer. You are being mature about TRYING to deal with something that you never wanted for your life. That is HUGE. You deserve respect for that. SHE wants to be in a poly relationship..... you didn't. - - - SHE is a SECOND S.O. to this man BY CHOICE-therefore she needs to show some RESPECT for the fact that SHE chose this, you did not.

LR - thank you! I have tried again and again to explain this to both my husband and his GF. Neither of them started this affair planning on falling in love or even considering themselves polyamorous. However, they both knew the other one was married and had children. She entered into this knowing my husband had never cheated and was (is) very committed to me and that we have a very open, honest marriage - we tell each other everything. In short, she knew I was here. On the other hand, I have had to adapt to her now being in his life, to them having sex, to them being in love. I'm sick of being the one who is doing all of the adapting and compromising. I'm sick of being made to feel like my marriage now doesn't mean as much and that I don't deserve respect as his wife. I have shown this woman respect the whole time. If they are together, I don't call or text him because I respect her and their time together. Do I get the same respect? No, I don't. Her text to me definitely shows she doesn't respect me at all - so obviously there is no way we can become friends. She actually shot herself in the foot on that one.

Ok - enough venting. I really think the whole situation is sad. I understand they are in love - but I think she is letting the NRE blind her from the reality of the situation. My husband used to ask me, at the beginning of this, why I couldn't just be happy being loved, wanted, and having his committment. Why can't she just be happy with the same? Why can't they see that I am not asking them to end their relationship. I am not asking them not to get closer. I am not asking them not to spend time together when they can. Why is that not enough? She knew at the beginning of their affair that there were going to be limitations because of it's very nature. Now, she wants me to pave the way and lift all limitations. Why should I? So she feels more comfortable? What about me feeling comfortable? Sorry - I guess that's still venting.

While I guess I need to vent - since venting to my best friend (husband) only causes him to be hurt and angry - I am also looking for support and advice. Regardless of this setback - I am still going to try to learn about and understand this lifestyle that I have been unwillingly plunged into. My husband is and always will be my life and I will continue to do what I can to make him happy. He and I and our marriage is and always will be my priority!

Have a great day!

[ak2381]

KT, I wish I could just give you a big hug.
Things are looking positive for me finally right now and yet things have gone downhill for you again. I don't know what to say for you. I just wanted to lend you my support. J has kept within our agreements and I am greatful for that. She and husband are having their night tonight actually and Husband and I had a very long and intimate conversation last night to conquer some unresolved issues.
I think you might be holding back from your husband too much. Yes you want him to be happy and yes you don't want to hurt him or bring him discomfort but you also cannot take the full burden on yourself. I know that is what I did last week. I didn't want to weigh him down with my worries and hurt feelings and hardships which resulted in a very bad weekend of mood swings and fighting. We are talking much better this week because he is understanding what I am saying more and I am not holding back either. I have found a calm spot and we are communicating much better the last couple of days.
So I can only suggest that you step away for a day, go for a walk in the woods, take in nature and clear your head and then come back and talk talk talk with your husband. Talking to her obviously doesn't do any good. She is a manipulator and from the sounds of it doesn't want a polyamorous relationship. She wants to be a homewrecker. Big difference. So you and your husband need to get everything out between you so there are no misunderstandings and you can lean on each other.
I hope you are feeling better and PM any time you need to talk.

[LovingRadiance]

One of the key parts of growing and maturing is learning to take responsibility for only OUR issues, not other people's.

I had that issue the other day in fact and Ariakas called me on it. THANKFULLY!

I suggest to each of you-check out the "general" board.
There are a LOT of threads over there that will help you with your search for information and understanding.


KT-respect is something that is due to everyone. Seriously-if we ALL treated others with respect and consideration-the whole world would be a better place!
Unfortunately the large majority of people have no clue how to put that concept into practice.

[Morningglory629]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

One of the key parts of growing and maturing is learning to take responsibility for only OUR issues, not other people's.

KT-respect is something that is due to everyone. Seriously-if we ALL treated others with respect and consideration-the whole world would be a better place!
Unfortunately the large majority of people have no clue how to put that concept into practice.

As some of you know through PM I am KTs husband's gf. KT thought it was somehow dishonest to stay anonymous with everyone else-although it is the point of screennames -but I will just put it out there. Because we are working through this latest miscommunication amongst the three of us and with our relationship counselor I am not going to go thru the whole thread and answer or rebutt everything. Suffice it to say I will answer any questions anyone has about what happened yesterday. I am poly, my husband who is mono struggles with my articulating and exploring this lifestyle but he has been accepting. Not excited or in agreement but accepting. I love my husband. We have had a turbulent couple of years. We have 4 children who we adore. I have no intentions of "stealing" anyones husband. I could not live with KT and her husband. I have told her that on numerous occassions. I have been very active in trying to build a good relationship with KT, including meeting for coffee, or tea, inviting her out for Girls Night, or a movie, or dinner or attending jewelry making classes with her, or walking (as in exercise)... whatever outside avenue I could think of so that she would feel more at ease with me; and we could build our relationship with out hubby/bf in the way. I call. I text...yes even supportive texts when she has some anxiety. I stickup for when her husband is being a pigheaded ass. I am not the kind that will sit and take bs from anyone. If I have a problem with you or something you say/do, I will go directly to the source. Yes, sometimes I swear. I work with men it is an occupational hazzard. However, I am also a very hardworking, nurturing, fun-loving, confident woman and enjoy every aspect of life. Sometimes that may be intimidating but I have embraced the relationship with KT and her husband as I do everything...with all of my heart. What everyone is forgetting on here is that I am not and have NEVER asked to be "outed" as his gf...just a friend. I have not asked for a specific time but I would like to move forward in building this thing. I want them to be part of my circle of family/friends. WTF is the point of loving someone if you can't share things? I have asked KT to help me build this. I have never demanded anything. I have said quite strongly that I am here to stay. I am in love with KTs husband as much as I am with my own. I have grown to trust him in ways that I have never allowed myself to trust another. We have a serious bond that may not be "primary" but is certainly as significant. He has the capacity to love us both equally, so I am not a fan of the whole "primary/secondary " labels. The friends/family thing is a natural progression. I don't expect it to be tomorrow but I do expect it at some not too distant future. I am a planner/make-it-happen kind of person. Patience is not one of my virtues but I have in this case been very patient. But for the record, I am not the person that brought the subject up. She became anxious about this all on her own for whatever reason. I actually tried to calm her down. Then I get the barrage of texts at 8am yesterday morning because I posted here. I answered them calmly at first but as they got snippier and the posts on here had some skewed more than a little exaggerated spin to them, I began to answer her. I am hoping that is the end of the nastygrams because while it is important to vent, it is also important to give both sides of the story if you want GOOD and INFORMED advice. Respect starts with respecting yourself. Respect should not be demanded but is earned, as is trust.
Today was a lot better. We have called a truce so to speak. We are seeking outside help to mediate the misunderstandings. I hope it works. In the meantime, I need advice on how to handle two monos, and a poly who isn't comfortable talking/building a relationship with my mono and vice versa. Any questions feel free to post them or PM me. Thanks. KT I hope you understand I am posting this because you need to know I am committed to making this work.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

This is my immediate and emotional response. I am probably full of crap:

"full of crap" may be a bit harsh but not too far off.