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  #1  
Old 04-07-2014, 10:29 AM
Blonde7915 Blonde7915 is offline
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Default Kink bring down positive poly

So in the past I have got great advice from this forum so I thought I'd seek it again.
The back story husband and I have been married 10 years (together 14) open/poly 6 years. He has a long distant girlfriend (together 4.5 years long distant 3 years) and a regular fuck buddy. When we first started as open/poly I have a boyfriend for 3 years but only causal partners for the last 3 years. Recently I started seeing a guy (Mike) who he and I share common kinks (spanking mostly). This is something that my husband has never shown an interested in, in fact has commented that he does not get it but he has also said that that is one of the many pluses of being poly - we can persue interests with other partners. My husband has also always been aware that I am into spanking.

Mike and I have been seeing each other for about 2 months now about once a week, as the situation would have, it we have been able to schedule it so that when my husband is seeing his fuck buddy I am seeing Mike.

However almost every time I have come back from seeing Mike, my husband has been annoyed, short and moody with me. He has picked fights over little things such as when I got home even though he was not home or missing time (for example one night Mike and myself had dinner out then got a hotel room, we have a safety rule that if we go to a hotel or house ie not public places in the early stage of a relationship we check in with each other, my husband felt there was a lot of unaccounted for time between when dinner would of finished and me contacting him saying we had got a hotel room). We've had a few big chats about it and he says he feels he is being punished for not being into spanking, he has made comments that to me show that he is insecure - like because I enjoy this kink with someone else I will enjoy sex more then with my husband. I have also worked out that he has been checking my phone and reading my messages between Mike and myself (I have no problems with this because I don't feel I have anything to find) but again to me it shows that he is feeling insecure. I should add that he was never like this with the guy I was dating when we first started being poly or any of my casual fuck buddies.

So what should I do? I feel my husband feels insecure because of this added demention of the spanking but I'm not sure how to make him feel more secure and comfortable with the situation.
I should also add that I don't go out of my way to tell my husband all the details of what Mike and myself get up to but we always answer honestly when asked about what went on during a date.
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Old 04-07-2014, 03:40 PM
loveartist loveartist is offline
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I'm having a similar issue with my own husband.

He and I used to do the dom/sub thing, but because of other issues we were/are having, I had to stop.

Now that I'm experimenting with that with a new partner, he wants it back, and it's not something I can do for him, so I've made it clear that it's a need he will have to fill elsewhere.

Unfortunately it isn't that simple in your situation, because he's not into that at all, but still feels left out.

I'm not sure there's an easy fix there, but I hope it all works out. Sometimes people just need time to work out their feelings and get back to normal on their own, and there isn't much you can do until they resolve it themselves.

Every relationship is different, whether it's kink or the way you talk or the way you make love. Do you think this might have come up with or without the spanking thing?
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  #3  
Old 04-07-2014, 04:38 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Short of trying to incorporate kink qith your husband I dont know. Sounds like he feels left out and maybe sad he can't fulfill you that way.
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Old 04-07-2014, 08:36 PM
graviton graviton is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by loveartist View Post
I'm having a similar issue with my own husband.

He and I used to do the dom/sub thing, but because of other issues we were/are having, I had to stop.

Now that I'm experimenting with that with a new partner, he wants it back, and it's not something I can do for him, so I've made it clear that it's a need he will have to fill elsewhere.

Unfortunately it isn't that simple in your situation, because he's not into that at all, but still feels left out.

I'm not sure there's an easy fix there, but I hope it all works out. Sometimes people just need time to work out their feelings and get back to normal on their own, and there isn't much you can do until they resolve it themselves.

Every relationship is different, whether it's kink or the way you talk or the way you make love. Do you think this might have come up with or without the spanking thing?
I don't understand why you can do the kink with your boyfriend but not your husband
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Old 04-07-2014, 11:48 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I don't understand why you can do the kink with your boyfriend but not your husband
Gralson really struggles to get into subspace with me. Our relationship just isn't "like that." We're more compassionate and loving, less "I'm going to use your body for my own pleasures, bitch!" He likes that sort of play, just not with me, nor I with him.
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Old 04-07-2014, 11:51 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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OP, it sounds like he was fine with his insecurities as long as you were seeing someone pretty much like him. Deep down somewhere, he may have assumed that since you were seeing men who offered what he could offer, then you would stay with him. Mike offers you something different, something you value, and so suddenly, your husband feels he has competition.

So maybe this helps explain the why. Or not.

However, his behavior is not excusable. Yes, you should do what you can to reassure him of his unique place in your life and your bed. Be willing to talk and listen to him about this. Do what you can to ease his insecurities.

Just because you have nothing to hide does not excuse his controlling behavior of checking your messages and phone. That is unacceptable. The temper tantrums and suddenly nitpicking your every move with Mike is also unacceptable.

It is on him to ultimately address his insecurity. You cannot fix his emotions for him. That is not your job. It is his responsibility to do the emotional work of figuring out why he is so insecure all of a sudden and deal with it. You can help. But not your job. You can reassure him until the world ends, and if he hasn't dealt with the root cause, then it will be like a drop in the ocean. Reassurance is a good thing to do, but it will not fix the issue. He is only one who can ultimately resolve this.

Encourage him to find the root of this problem, tell him you will be on that journey with him as a supportive partner, and reassure him from time to time of his place in your life. But do not accept this behavior. It is not. He needs to put a stop to the childish tantrums and controlling spouse bullshit.

(Oh, and by 'fixing' I do not mean telling you to stop seeing Mike, or other kinky people in the future. That would be more controlling behavior.)
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Old 04-07-2014, 11:53 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blonde7915 View Post
We've had a few big chats about it and he says he feels he is being punished for not being into spanking, he has made comments that to me show that he is insecure - like because I enjoy this kink with someone else I will enjoy sex more then with my husband.
I would focus on this "punished" comment. First of all, "punished" isn't a "feeling." So try and get at what feeling he's expressing with that phrase, and what need he has that isn't being met. Example feelings: Disapointed, sad, anxious. Example needs: Equality, consideration, acceptance. Here's a more comprehensive list: Feelings list & Needs list

Once he works out what his needs are, you can start to look at what changes you can make so that those needs are met. Sometimes, just identifying them concisely is even enough. For example, if he's feeling a need for equality, but he doesn't want to spank you, just acknowledging this imbalance may satisfy his need.

My first instinct was to ask "punished for what?" but I think that side steps the real issue, which is that he has some need that isn't being met. Also note, that may be a need that he can satisfy himself, for example accepting his own difference in tastes and how that doesn't make him an inferior partner.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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Old 04-08-2014, 03:12 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Gralson really struggles to get into subspace with me. Our relationship just isn't "like that." We're more compassionate and loving, less "I'm going to use your body for my own pleasures, bitch!" He likes that sort of play, just not with me, nor I with him.
All due respect, but if that's what you're equating a D/s relationship with I'm not sure you've educated yourself in the lifestyle very much. BDSM relationships are, at their core, compassionate and loving, not antithetical to that, as your comment suggests you think it is. Yes, degradation, humiliation, servitude and all different manners of play have their rough side, but all in order to serve a healthy relationship.

I'm not trying to make this personal, really. It's just that the misconception above is something that we fight against all the time and I just can't pass it by.

I do like what Opal had to say. Being a supportive to someone in his situation is like being in a relay race as their partner. You can and should assure them, but at a point it's their job to take the baton and work on themselves.
SC also makes a good point that there's much more uncovering of what he needs to feel right again.

Putting myself in his shoes, he's probably thinking if he were into spanking he'd be getting:
  1. more of your time (meaning he needs more)
  2. all of your time (which would point to him not being comfortable with polyamory)
  3. more passion from you in the bedroom (whether there's a real deficiency or only a perceived one)
  4. a feeling that he fulfills your needs and fantasies

And that's just the beginning of what it could be. Spend time with him talking it out, but don't get drawn into wallowing with him. Let him his share of the work and then use those realizations to come to a closer consensus.
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Old 04-08-2014, 03:24 AM
loveartist loveartist is offline
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Originally Posted by graviton View Post
I don't understand why you can do the kink with your boyfriend but not your husband
Right now my husband and I are having other issues. He's been unemployed for quite some time, and because my contract for my own employment is up in a year and a half, wondering how we're going to continue on is very stressful and scary.

In addition, while I normally wouldn't have a problem with being the breadwinner indefinitely, in my opinion, the fact that I'm also covering expenses for a son he does not have with me further complicates things.

Because of those factors, and my apparent inability to completely separate sex from life, reality from fantasty, etc. I find it near impossible to submit to him in that way.

Trust and respect are the issues we are having, specifically with regard to supporting our children. Until those issues are resolved, those are needs of his that must be met elsewhere, perhaps with someone who's children do not rely upon him.
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Old 04-08-2014, 04:40 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
All due respect, but if that's what you're equating a D/s relationship with I'm not sure you've educated yourself in the lifestyle very much.
I apologize for the misunderstanding. I did not intend to imply that BDSM cannot be loving and compassionate. I was speaking of one type of BDSM play, specifically the detached objectification that Gralson enjoys as a bottom. He likes to be used and abused, treated as a sex object, beaten like a punching bag, and possessed as my personal play thing.

I don't understand it and I never will. His reactions when we're both able to get into that head space and play like that convince me that he truly does enjoy it. But love and compassion must be firmly locked in a box, or he completely loses his head space.

Quote:
BDSM relationships are, at their core, compassionate and loving, not antithetical to that, as your comment suggests you think it is.
BDSM relationships are, "at their core," whatever the people in a BDSM relationship want it to be. Some of them are compassionate and loving, absolutely. But the class of all "BDSM relationships" includes, for example, play partners who are not in a long term D/s relationship, who only meet to use each other's kink to meet their own needs, and then part ways until next play session. These "kink buddies" may not be your preferred BDSM relationship style, but they cannot be discounted as valid just because they don't fit your ideal.

Quote:
Yes, degradation, humiliation, servitude and all different manners of play have their rough side, but all in order to serve a healthy relationship.
Kink includes a tremendous range of interactions, and "Use my body and don't see me as a person" style play sessions are absolutely contained within that spectrum.

Quote:
I'm not trying to make this personal, really. It's just that the misconception above is something that we fight against all the time and I just can't pass it by.
I believe it was more a misunderstanding of what I meant than a misconception that I have.

Fucking is fucking. Fucking, itself, is not compassionate and loving. That doesn't mean that two people who are in a compassionate and loving relationship can't fuck. Fucking is still sex, and other kinds of sex are compassionate and loving, but fucking is not.

Some men cannot fuck their wives. They see her as the mother of their children, the caretaker of their home, the baker of their church's cookies. They can make loving, passionate love to their wife. They can go out and cheat on her with some harlot, and fuck her brains inside out. But they can't fuck their wives.

Similarly, BDSM play can be compassionate and loving, or it can be dirty and objectifying. Depending on your personal desires, it can be easy or hard to get into an objectifying frame of mind. In our case, it's hard. For other people, it may be easy. For other people still, their BDSM play is more compassionate and loving, and they just don't get into that dirty and objectifying frame of mind at all. Good for them, but not relevant to us. Our BDSM play is dirty and objectifying. In order to achieve a head space where he can feel like an object and I can feel like the owner of that object, we have to turn off everything that comes naturally in our relationship, because I'm just not the objectifying type.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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