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  #11  
Old 04-04-2014, 01:33 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Girlfriend might WANT a few nights a week with boyfriend but the OP and her husband have a family so the child's needs come first. I spend twice as much time at home With nate and the kids than I do with sam. Its kind of the cost of being with someone who has family obligations
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  #12  
Old 04-04-2014, 02:24 PM
london london is offline
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Agreed. Husband's existing commitments are his marriage, his kids and his work. The resources left after that are avaliable for other relationships if he wishes to prioritise that over social activities, hobbies, friends and extended family.
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  #13  
Old 04-04-2014, 03:16 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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I think after a week of arguing I'd want to get out of the house too. You're probably looking at it as your time to reconnect and he's looking at it as his time to take a break.
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  #14  
Old 04-05-2014, 03:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snic85 View Post
. . . I was having a really bad day so he canceled his date with her willingly to stay with me, but he used our daughter as the excuse. By not telling her that he canceled to stay home and support me on a difficult day, I feel like he disrespected not only me but our marriage as well.
What he says to his girlfriend and how he manages his relationship with her is his business, not yours, so why would you think what he tells her has to meet with your approval? He's the one in a relationship with her. His communications to her have nothing to do with your marriage. Why would you even know what he told her? You manage your relationships, let him manage his.
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  #15  
Old 04-05-2014, 03:58 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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To play mind-reader for a second (always dangerous I know),

I think she's feeling like the excuse was a way to hide her or avoid acknowledging their relationship, even to downplay her importance. Being swept under the rug inappropriately would get under my skin.

My partner Audrey and I have discussed the fact that it's important to me that her suitors know that I'm in the picture at "the appropriate" time. Defining "appropriate" took some trial, error, thought, and experience. Some around here feel like metamours can be totally hidden from one another while keeping good conscience. I personally disagree.

In this case, I don't think that's what the husband was doing. Several of us have given the bloke the benefit of the doubt by guessing that he did it to deflect any ill will from the wife. I still think that seems plausible...but how can we ever know why he said what he said?

It still seems like scheduling (with grace from both partners as well as flexibility) is the best prescription, along with communication about what each of their priorities are.
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  #16  
Old 04-05-2014, 05:33 AM
base2 base2 is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Also, imo, you're lucky he used the daughter excuse. That way he protected you by not letting the girlfriend have a reason to resent you.
This sounds to me like your husband was maintaining your privacy, not sharing all of the details your life with his partner. IMO this sound like very respectful behaviour.
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  #17  
Old 04-05-2014, 05:49 AM
ffcep2 ffcep2 is offline
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My question to you would be are you poly as well and do you have anyone you are dating? The reason I ask is, has he set ground rules for you? If not then just talk about your boundaries if there are any. New relationships are fun but that doesn't mean your not his core. Communication is the key.....
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  #18  
Old 04-05-2014, 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by ffcep2 View Post
My question to you would be are you poly as well and do you have anyone you are dating? The reason I ask is, has he set ground rules for you? If not then just talk about your boundaries if there are any. New relationships are fun but that doesn't mean your not his core. Communication is the key.....
The op recently went through a break up with a bf whom she had an intensely emotional relationship of 4 moths. She was quite angry and bitter regarding that relationship.(which is understandable.) So she has at least tried on poly.
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  #19  
Old 04-05-2014, 03:03 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snic85 View Post
My husband is in his first relationship since we became poly. He isn't the best at communication and it's causing issues.
So I read this the first time and thought "ok.. some people suck at communicating.

However then you went on to explain some of your interactions. I wonder if he may not feel safe to communicate. If he knows something will set you off, one way or the other.. maybe he wants to avoid communicating. Communication, and people tend to forget this, involves two sides.

The giver and receiver. It is the givers responsibility to be clear and concise, and it is the receivers responsibility to accept the communication, listen and keep the incoming message safe.

If you have a history of arguing, or maybe you have different ways of reactions.. he may have learned behaviour he needs to break. You may also. You have to work towards creating a safe (whatever that means to the two of you) environment to communicate.

Part of that, is understanding that you don't control him. If he says he plans to go out, you can't immediately come up with reasons he can't go. All you can express is your needs. Which for the record mean you need a safe place to communicate

I think both of you need to clearly express your needs for your relationship, and for your "outside" relationships. Figure out timing that works and understand shit happens. Sometimes even the best laid plans don't work out.

I think you nailed the issue in the first sentence.. communication. I just wonder if the combination of you and him, communicate well. Not just putting the blame on him..

Quote:
So, am I the one over reacting and having a difficult time adjusting or is he? Or both?
To go down your list I would say you are over reacting.. however for the first point, I hate when people just swing by. Drives me nuts. I lead a busy life, I don't want friends, lovers, donkeys.. no one, just comes by without adequate notice.

Quote:
He usually sees her once a week, sometimes twice. We have little time together. He often gets home from work after 7 mom-fri and I work 12hr shifts sat and sun, so that's also why I was so upset when he choose to go out last minute.
Time management is a tough thing. What times work best for intimate time so everyones needs get met across the board. I assume you don't consider the time after 7pm "close" time. Comes home exhausted, goes to bed shortly after etc. This is common in poly, trying to arrange tradition 2 person life to add a 3rd. Sometimes leaves someone feeling like they suddenly don't get enough time. Its where enjoying oneself comes into play.. Being alone is a huge part of being poly.. unless everyone involved is saturated...man I miss alone time

good luck
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