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  #1  
Old 04-03-2014, 11:24 PM
Snic85 Snic85 is offline
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Default Feeling disrespected

My husband is in his first relationship since we became poly. He isn't the best at communication and it's causing issues.
First time I felt disrespected was when he had his gf over and only told me minutes before she showed up. We did talk about the possibility of having significant others over but we never agreed to it. FYI I wasn't home. After she left, I briefly let him know that I wasn't okay with him not discussing it with me prior and making sure that I was okay with it. Since I didn't blow up and make a huge deal about it, he thought it was okay to have her over again with out talking to me, this time I blew up. It's not a huge deal, I just want to be included in what's going on.

Second time I was having a really bad day so he canceled his date with her willingly to stay with me, but he used our daughter as the excuse. By not telling her that he canceled to stay home and support me on a difficult day, I feel like he disrespected not only me but our marriage as well.

The third time was after a long week of arguing, we finally had a nice after noon with out fighting. His gf invited him out last minute and he asked if he could go, I said no. It upset me that after a long week of fighting he didn't want to spend a nice evening/night with me. Well it turns out he was only trying to be "nice" he didn't care what my answer was he was going anyway. FYI he had made plans ahead of time to see her the next night as well.

He usually sees her once a week, sometimes twice. We have little time together. He often gets home from work after 7 mom-fri and I work 12hr shifts sat and sun, so that's also why I was so upset when he choose to go out last minute.

Before these things happend I was happy for him and encouraged his relationship. Now, I'm really not supportive of it at all.
So, am I the one over reacting and having a difficult time adjusting or is he? Or both?
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Old 04-04-2014, 01:45 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I can relate to your situation when it comes to crummy work schedules. My hubby also works Monday through Friday (only he gets home significantly later than yours) and I work weekends (although not as long of a shift as you). So, yeah, time is super important and communicating about how you're spending your time is important, too. Add in kids, and I'd be going nuts.

Are you over-reacting? Not really (IMO). Your house is your space, so you have a right to know when/if people are going to be in it. It's also his space, though, so if you're not there it's not really your place to ask him not to have someone over. Unless it's someone who makes you feel unsafe or have a good reason to not want in the house. Not wanting her there when you get home from a shitty day - fair, but if it's their date night you can't get upset if he's not there either.

Do you two set aside specific date nights for yourself? If not, start! You can't ask him to just automatically dedicate every night to you unless you give him permission to see his girlfriend. If you need x amount of time, tell him that and then set up a schedule.
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Old 04-04-2014, 01:51 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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You're overreacting.

You can't control every minute he sees her. You fought every night for a week and then were surprised he made plans to see her? Stop controlling his time with her and focus on communicating your needs to him.

Also, imo, you're lucky he used the daughter excuse. That way he protected you by not letting the girlfriend have a reason to resent you.
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Old 04-04-2014, 02:00 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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Would having a set schedule work for you? Say certain days/times are aet aside for each of you thatway you ccan't feel resentful for the time because it's what you agreed to.

Also put yourself in his shoes. When you have a partner wouldn't you want them to be able to come to your home?
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Old 04-04-2014, 03:18 AM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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Putting limits on his relationship with her is not the way to go here. Instead, focus on what you need. If it is a dedicated date night for the two of you, then do that. But telling him he can't see her isn't fair to either of them. She may need 2 or 3 dates a week to feel connected, while maybe you would be ok with only 1. Don't compare what she is getting with what you are getting - instead focus on your needs and go from there.
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  #6  
Old 04-04-2014, 04:20 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snic85 View Post
My husband is in his first relationship since we became poly. He isn't the best at communication and it's causing issues.
First time I felt disrespected was when he had his gf over and only told me minutes before she showed up. We did talk about the possibility of having significant others over but we never agreed to it. FYI I wasn't home. After she left, I briefly let him know that I wasn't okay with him not discussing it with me prior and making sure that I was okay with it. Since I didn't blow up and make a huge deal about it, he thought it was okay to have her over again with out talking to me, this time I blew up. It's not a huge deal, I just want to be included in what's going on.
Do you clear every visitor who stops by to see you with him?

Quote:
Second time I was having a really bad day so he canceled his date with her willingly to stay with me, but he used our daughter as the excuse. By not telling her that he canceled to stay home and support me on a difficult day, I feel like he disrespected not only me but our marriage as well.
I bet the reason he laid the blame on you daughter was to avoid making you look like a controlling jerk.

Quote:
The third time was after a long week of arguing, we finally had a nice after noon with out fighting. His gf invited him out last minute and he asked if he could go, I said no. It upset me that after a long week of fighting he didn't want to spend a nice evening/night with me. Well it turns out he was only trying to be "nice" he didn't care what my answer was he was going anyway. FYI he had made plans ahead of time to see her the next night as well.

He usually sees her once a week, sometimes twice. We have little time together. He often gets home from work after 7 mom-fri and I work 12hr shifts sat and sun, so that's also why I was so upset when he choose to go out last minute.

Before these things happend I was happy for him and encouraged his relationship. Now, I'm really not supportive of it at all.
So, am I the one over reacting and having a difficult time adjusting or is he? Or both?
Of course he wanted to see her. YOU are a source of stress in his life right now. He needed to get away for a bit. Sometimes people need time away to get their head on straight, take a deep breath, and come back in a calmer place.

What about HER needs relationship wise? What about HIS? Their wants and needs are just as valid as yours.
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  #7  
Old 04-04-2014, 04:38 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snic85 View Post
First time I felt disrespected was when he had his gf over and only told me minutes before she showed up. We did talk about the possibility of having significant others over but we never agreed to it. FYI I wasn't home. After she left, I briefly let him know that I wasn't okay with him not discussing it with me prior and making sure that I was okay with it. Since I didn't blow up and make a huge deal about it, he thought it was okay to have her over again with out talking to me, this time I blew up. It's not a huge deal, I just want to be included in what's going on.
Hmm. Normally I'd just say that it's his house too and he should have just as much use and enjoyment as you do, but two things seem a bit off. First, and maybe it's because I come from the South, but you give your family notice before company comes over. That's a no no. Second, this was the first time. A partner that understood that changing the relationship was a big deal would have tried to ease the transition. You do that with communication. Lots of communication.

You'll hear about NRE from a lot of people here and they're right. It can make people do silly things. They're all caught up in a new love/frienship/lust and they put blinders on.

Some of the more stern poly people around here might say that poly partners can have independent lives where there's very little communication as long as nobody gets harmed. IF that's what you want, great...but it needs to be decided beforehand.

Overall this wasn't great, but not something that should damage your relationship like a betrayal of trust.

Quote:
Second time I was having a really bad day so he canceled his date with her willingly to stay with me, but he used our daughter as the excuse. By not telling her that he canceled to stay home and support me on a difficult day, I feel like he disrespected not only me but our marriage as well.
My opinion on this one is it's a non-issue. He gave the least amount of info possible and didn't make you the bad guy. His relationship with her and his reasons for not seeing her are between them if it doesn't directly impact you...and this didn't. I'm assuming she already knows about you, so it's not like he's hiding you.

Quote:
The third time was after a long week of arguing, we finally had a nice after noon with out fighting. His gf invited him out last minute and he asked if he could go, I said no. It upset me that after a long week of fighting he didn't want to spend a nice evening/night with me. Well it turns out he was only trying to be "nice" he didn't care what my answer was he was going anyway. FYI he had made plans ahead of time to see her the next night as well.

He usually sees her once a week, sometimes twice. We have little time together. He often gets home from work after 7 mom-fri and I work 12hr shifts sat and sun, so that's also why I was so upset when he choose to go out last minute.

Before these things happend I was happy for him and encouraged his relationship. Now, I'm really not supportive of it at all.
So, am I the one over reacting and having a difficult time adjusting or is he? Or both?
All you can do, ultimately, is express your needs, listen to his, and the both of you accept as much of what the other wants as you can.

Applying that here, you told him what you wanted and he chose to make a different decision. When you're together explain why you felt how you did and maybe that will make an impression on him. Someone has suggested a schedule, try that, but don't be afraid to deviate from it.

One of the things any new polyamorist is going to have to learn, at least from my experience, is how to become more independent. Obviously if your personal needs mean you require more time, express that, but don't demand it.
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  #8  
Old 04-04-2014, 06:19 AM
london london is offline
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It sounds like you're having a difficult time with this poly business and you're not being forthcoming about that so it's working against you and driving you and your husband apart.

You need to be honest about how you feel, even if it pisses on his parade. And I agree he is trying not to make you look bad to his girlfriend.
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  #9  
Old 04-04-2014, 10:56 AM
Kernow Kernow is offline
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I wouldn't worry too much about the excuse he gave for not seeing the girlfriend, the important point is that you needed him and he stayed with you.

I think you are quite right to be upset about him bringing his girlfriend over without discussing it with you especially as it was the first time. It seems to me that people have very different rules and expectations about things like this and I think it partly depends on where you live and how you have been brought up. Most people would frown on the arrangement that my husband and I have, but it works for us and we are happy with it so it is no one else's business. My husband wanted a rule that our home was just for us so we do not bring other partners to our home. At the time I think he just wanted to protect our family and I was happy to agree, but I would be willing to relax that rule in the future. We are quite private people anyway we wouldn't usually bring any visitors to our home without talking about it first. Different countries and different people have different traditions and expectations.

It's always hard at first, but you need to talk it through honestly with him rather than arguing. Just be direct and tell him that you need to talk because this isn't working for you at the moment. Be clear about what you need from him and listen to what he wants, be willing to compromise on the things that don't really matter too much, but if something is a big deal for you say so. Don't expect everything to be resolved straight away, it takes a long time become 'comfortable' with such a big change (or at least it did for me) but things do settle down in time. Just be open and honest and focus on being constructive rather than arguing.
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  #10  
Old 04-04-2014, 11:57 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I can't add to the analysis of the situation, but communication - or the lack of it - seems to be a key issue here. The dialog needs to be objective and calm. Sometimes that is a challenge when the issues themselves involve emotions.

One thing that can help is writing down your thoughts / feelings. This does a couple of things. First, it gets them out of your head and in front of you where you can see them. It gives you a chance to ask yourself, "why do I think this?" Or "why do I feel this?" Why is the most important question you can ask yourself, because often the answer isn't what you think it is when you're grasping in mid-argument. (Your husband should do the same.).

When you two have a conversation about it each needs to approach the other with respect. Respect that each person's point of view is valid, nobody's the bad guy, and no one needs to be put on the defensive. The conversation is about what each person needs and wants - two very separate things - and how adjustments can be made so that everyone has his / her needs met.

The very minute one of you says (or even thinks) the words, "you should...." you've put the other on the defensive, tried to make your needs and feelings the other's responsiblity, and are no longer owning your own shit. That is not the road to mutual understanding.

Now we would hope that you both have the desire to help each other meet your individual needs, right?

So for example, maybe one of your needs is the need to know what to expect. (Kind of sounds like it from what you've written.) So maybe, you and your husband work out a schedule, as some have already mentioned, or that you need x amount of time notice.

Now if your need is to have him be at your disposal 24/7, and he is allowed to be with his gf only upon your whim, then that's probably not going to fly. The gf is a real human being with needs and feelings all of her own; not just some toy. So each person, in considering his / her own needs must consider the that the others have needs that are just as valid as one's own. It helps to make a concerted effort to put yourself in the others' place just to get an objective shot at how the situation may look to them. It also helps to realize that everyone else is just trying to get needs met, no matter how ineffective and ungraceful, and no one is purposefully setting out to hurt the others in the group.
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