Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 03-31-2014, 11:54 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757
Default

You have talked a lot about your desire to form relationships with more than one woman. I have to ask because it has not been mentioned, how will you feel when the women you form these relationships with have intimate relationships with other men? While I know it doesn't seem to be likely, if it were, how would you feel if your current gf developed a deep relationship with another guy?

When considering polyamory, we tend to think to ourselves, "I have the capacity to love more than one!" Okay awesome. Question is can you tolerate your lovers feeling as intensely about someone else as they do you?
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 04-01-2014, 07:07 PM
ConfusedFeelings ConfusedFeelings is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 10
Default

@bookbug: To be honest, I never really thought so much about my girlfriend having relationships with other men and how that would be to me, mainly, cause she didn't express any interest in having that.
I must say that I don't really know how that would be for me. I think what might be problematic for me, is if she had another boyfriend, or several, and I didn't find any girl for me. That notion kind of scares me.


My girlfriend and I had a long discussion about the whole thing today. I initiated it and she was unusually "open" and didn't become so emotional, except at one point. Yet, I don't really feel better now. I actually feel quite bad.

She said it felt to her similar as if I was trying to convince her to become homosexual and like it, and that it feels "absurd" to her.
Quote: "My emotions are wired in such a way that my passion can only be channeled in one direction at a time and I channel huge amounts of emotion into one person. It can fulfill me completely. I cannot understand how to feel the same passionate way with more than one person at a time; and it creates a huge discrepancy between us if you are someone who thinks "needs" exactly this. I do not feel that it is worth the pain pressing me into a relationship-form I don't fit into." And then she said: "Being together with you is not worth this. I'm rather mono and single than poly and with you. I am sorry." That HIT me. Hard. I felt like she was attacking me intentionally, but she said that this is just a plain rational fact.

She also said it wasn't only an emotional or "orientational" issue but also a practical one. She's very much of a "career" woman, studying medicine and working . She plans a lot of traveling, and a lot of what she calls "spiritual journey". She doesn't have the time nor the "slightest" wish for any more drama in her life, she doesn't want that relationship issues take even more time than it does now.
She can't see "one single advantage" of a poly-relationship.

I don't know. My GF sounded so determined (and also very sad about this) today that I kind of realized that she already made a decision. She is not going to stay with me as my girlfriend in a poly-relationship and apparently, I need to decide what I want now.


@Marcus
The thing is that I have always been the more "insecure" one of us two.
About my looks, about the reactions of other people….. so, actually, I cannot agree with saying that the wish for monogamy is (only) a result of insecurities, generally… Also that would be very judgmental, saying that monogamy is a product of "negative" (insecure) feelings about oneself" while polyamory is something more "self-determined". Wouldn't it?
At least, that's what my gf said and it seemed to make sense.
I also want(ed) to think that insecurities are the main reason, but I kind of don't find this "explanation" satisfying.

I find myself in a really hard situation atm…… it feels as if I was "forced" to decide about something so fundamental, and in any case I am losing something or someone.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 04-01-2014, 11:52 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,178
Default

If you truly love her and poly is important to you and you will always look back with regret if you were to stay in a monogamous relationship.... LET HER GO.

She has flatly said it is not for her. Sometimes when you love someone you have to do the right thing and walk away from them. If you truly love her you will STOP causing her further pain.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 04-02-2014, 03:04 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757
Default

Actually your gf's explanation about finding the idea of focusing on more than one person a complication and an energy drain makes perfect sense to me - and I operate well in poly circumstances.

Poly people come to poly for a variety of reasons - a need / desire to bond with more than person; a need for personal autonomy, which meshes well with poly; or in some cases, like mine, it was the configuration that worked the best for the circumstances at hand. Your gf has her own passions - medicine, which is quite demanding. Why would she want to complicate her life with poly? I think most of us would agree that poly is more complicated, requires extra focus and attention, but for those of us who make that choice, the benefits outweigh those things. I can easily see why it might not for others.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 04-02-2014, 04:24 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 7,210
Default

Hi ConfusedFeelings,

Your thread title is, "GF doesn't want to try poly -- any hope?" If you mean, "Is there any hope she'll change her mind?" then it looks like she's now answered that question. She absolutely won't change her mind and what's more, she won't continue in a relationship with you if you choose to live polyamorously.

I actually think it makes a lot of sense for her to say that. You and she have such a pure love. Do you really want to poison that love by living with each other for years and decades while resentment and unhappiness build and build between you? Breaking up now is much kinder of a thing to do to each other if your "love model orientations" are so opposite.

To be respectful toward the hard-but-wise conclusion she has come to, you really need to make a simple (but hard) decision: poly, or her? because you certainly can't have both.

And I wouldn't choose her unless I could do so with my whole heart. Based on what I've read in this thread, a substantial part of your heart is committed to polyamory. You could try to give it up for her but I'm pretty so the attempt (if successful) would cause you to resent her and feel increasingly depressed as the years went by. This in turn would depress her, and maybe make her feel resentful over your failure to simply let her go.

I suppose it's natural to hope for a relatively easy answer to such a hard dilemma. But some dilemmas have only hard answers, and I'm afraid this is one of them. Honestly? I think breaking up would be the best choice under the circumstances. Try to break up amicably, but break up.

At the very least I would suggest a temporary breakup -- a month or a year -- so you can both find out what it's like to be broken up while continuing to consider the polyamory issue. But at this point I suspect that would only drag out an already long, painful process.

The most neutral literature I can think of with respect to polyamory is "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. It is a pro-poly book but it also shows courteous respect toward monogamy. If your girlfriend hasn't read it yet, and has any desire left to read anything about poly, then "Opening Up" might be a good choice.

It's just that it sounds to me like her mind is very set on the position she has taken. She has worked past the emotional reactions she was having and realized that poly just wouldn't work for her, even in strictly practical terms. And I can't imagine you ever being truly happy and fulfilled without polyamory in your life. There are other souls to mate with out there, even if it doesn't feel that way. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith to do the right thing.

You've got some time to think about it, but don't let emotional fears rule over your ability to reason. Look for the choice that makes the most sense, knowing that every road in a life is a gamble no matter which road you take. Choose the gamble with the best objective odds of a happy ending -- the best odds for both of you.

If you mean, "Is there any hope for a happy ending?" then my vote is, "Yes there is." You'll need patience and endurance to get through the pain, both of you will, but there is light and love on the other side. Don't let yourself become bitter over this. The years you and your girlfriend have spent together will always be sacred. Cherish the memories; love each other forever. And heed these words from Sting: "If you love somebody ... if you love someone ... set them free."
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 04-02-2014, 03:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,599
Default

Quote:
I don't know. My GF sounded so determined (and also very sad about this) today that I kind of realized that she already made a decision. She is not going to stay with me as my girlfriend in a poly-relationship and apparently, I need to decide what I want now.
Pretty much. It's pointless to drag it out. I coudl see where it could be emotionally upsetting to her for you to be indecisive and keep dragging it out when you are the one that called for change. How does this behavior of yours serve either of you well? Or the shared relationship?

I can see where she says she feels emotionally wrung out and dislikes limbo. Basically she's going to decide to break up with you and get on with her life to be free of limbo. Because that part she can do herself.

She wants to be with you, but she cannot do that by herself. Your willingness has to be on board. And you are not giving it so... move it forward. It's not a "joyous yes to stay" vibe here from you, so she could call it a "working no" and get on with the show. Rather than pussyfooting.

I give her props for that. I think she's being pretty level headed. She read things, saw counselor, she isn't possessive or jealous per se. She just knows that poly isn't her scene. She has plans for her future career and studies that take up resources -- time, effort, energy. BF asked for change and is being waffly... so she could get on with things so her life can return to calm. She already knows she doesn't want to spend time, effort, energy in being part of polyship -- she wants to spend her resources in other ways instead. More power to her.

You pretty much have to decide if you want to be with her or not. Cuz she's moving on with or without you. Or did you want HER to make the decision so you can be off the hook? If you make it so she breaks up with you then you don't have to be assertive and break up with her -- was that the reasoning?

You could participate in landing this well -- don't fob all the break up work on her if you both conclude it is better to part ways. Break up together -- it's a better break up. Part ways WELL, not part ways wonky. Then both of you can have good memories about it and close out the relationship with dignity/respect.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-02-2014 at 03:36 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 04-02-2014, 05:47 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,911
Default

Her answer is very clear - and is very sensible and rational. She has absolutely no wish to be in a poly situation and would rather be single if polyamory is what you want. If you feel compelled to experience sex with other women, and she would rather opt out than be subjected to any form of non-monogamy in her relationships, then the compassionate thing to do for both you and her is to walk away.

Sure, it will hurt, but you're young and will meet others you will love and be passionate about. You have many more years ahead of you to live and love. Move on.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 04-02-2014 at 05:50 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 08-26-2014, 04:42 PM
ConfusedFeelings ConfusedFeelings is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 10
Unhappy

Hello.
First of all, I want to thank everyone here for the advice I got - this is really a unique, helpful forum...

I thought I would give some update of what happened. A short summary: After 4 years relationship with my girlfriend, I started becoming interested in other women, mostly sexually, but I also found out about polyamory and wanted our relationship to transform into a polyamorous one. My girlfriend was absolutely devastated about this at first, then she started to be more understanding and to some extent even supportive ("I should follow my heart, do what feels right for me"), but clearly said she will never be part of a polyamorous relationship.
I wrote into this forum to get some advice about how to make my girlfriend feel more comfortable with the whole idea.

Just a few days after my last post here, my girlfriend broke up with me. She said she couldn't bear this "limbo"-situation anymore and also said that, even though she respects the concept of polyamory and is doing her best to understand me, she feels unable to really "feel loved" in a poly-situation, or even in a situation where I am only considering polyamory.

I was really shocked that she broke up with me; I didn't really expect it. I kind of had this illusion that I want my girlfriend AND polyamory, not only one of them, and I somehow thought this would work out.
In the next months (april, may, june) I was so down. I had to move out of my girlfriend's apartment, moved in at a friend's place... I barely went out of the house for three months. I couldn't really believe that my "stupid wish for more women" made me lose the most wonderful person I had ever met and who I had such a fullfilling relationship with...
I also told my parents and some friends about it, who were not understanding at all and said things like, I'll never get a woman like my girlfriend again, I really messed this up etc. - not really supportive in such a situation.

So, here I am, almost half a year after our break-up. I'm still grieving my loss a LOT.
My ex-girlfriend seems to be doing very good, we don't have much contact, but I heard she was doing just fine.

And the strangest thing is: I seem to absolutely have lost my desire for polyamory.
I now think of it as a reasonable form of relationship, but definitely nothing that I would like to have. When I think of my girlfriend having another boyfriend now (even though we're not even together anymore) it just makes me sad and jealous.
Has anyone experienced this?
Some months ago I was absolutely amazed by the idea of polyamory. It felt like "waking up", realizing something "soo important", etc. - now it just feels like one way of leading a relationship that can have some advantages, but that can also destroy a lot...

Another thing that somehow "disturbed" me is the following.
I read in many, many articles, books and posts about polyamory that polyamory takes a lot more self-awareness, self-esteem, questioning of society, communication-skills, etc. etc. than monogamy. This led me to the (wrong) belief that I was the "mentally more developed", stronger one in our relationship. I thought I have had the courage to really develop my personality to a point in which I can consider polyamory, while my girlfriend has not come so far yet and that she just needs some "help" to get over her fears etc.
Now, a few months after our split-up, she is doing good, she says breaking up was a good decision that she doesn't regret, she meets a lot of friends (we have a lot of friends in common), goes out, continued studying successfully... and me? I was sitting at home for 3,4 months, feeling miserable and am still not doing good. I don't know what I want.

I think I just realized in a very painful way that I was, and probably still am, acting very immature and drew a whole lot of wrong conclusions.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 08-26-2014, 05:42 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 617
Default

I'm sorry you're hurting. It sounds, however, like you've learned some valuable things about yourself and about polyamory.

In my opinion, polyamory definitely *might* take more communication, self-esteem, and self-awareness than monogamy. But that isn't necessarily the case. And even if you have the communication skills, esteem, and awareness to live in a polyamorous situation, that does not necessarily mean that you are more advanced or developed than someone who lives a monogamous situation.

It means you prefer being polyamorous, and the other person prefers being monogamous. That's all.

I hope that now that you've had some time to consider what is best for you, and to recognize how your behavior might have caused some of the problems with your ex-girlfriend, that you will be able to move on and find someone else who you fit with.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
Brick: male, 44, honorary "brother"
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 08-26-2014, 05:50 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 7,210
Default

Hi ConfusedFeelings,

Sorry you are experiencing so much hurt right now, I know this isn't how you wanted things to go. I think maybe your heart was set on having both polyamory and your girlfriend, and once you lost one of the two (your girlfriend), the other (polyamory) lost its charm.

Polyamory and monogamy are just two different ways of approaching relationships. Neither is really better or worse than the other. What you need to decide is, not whether polyamory is better or superior, but whether polyamory is such a strong part of you that you could never live happily without it.

In the meantime, concentrate on concentrating from this breakup. You can do it. It's not a fast or easy process, but time really does heal wounds that seemed beyond repair. I'm sure you'll always miss your girlfriend, but I'm also hopeful that you'll find another woman who is right for you. Perhaps even someone who feels as you do about polyamory right from the get-go.

Painful as it was, I think your girlfriend was right to break up. It was the only way the two of you could have moved forward. Otherwise you'd have both remained in a Mexican standoff, with her feeling raped and destroyed, and you feeling like you could never be happy without polyamory. At least the breakup broke that spell.

Don't be in a hurry to find someone new. Spend some time to think carefully about whether polyamory still matters to you. Maybe it does, but it's just buried under all the pain you're experiencing. If you can get to a place of some healing, you may find the interest in polyamory bubbling back up again. Right now we can't predict that, one way or the other.

Use Polyamory.com as much as you need to to chronicle you struggles and feelings. We will try to be a support to you. It's not wrong to want polyamory, sometimes it's just something that makes us incompatible with a certain partner.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:31 AM.