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  #351  
Old 04-01-2014, 07:25 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Your wife doesn't even know the man she's married to. It doesn't sound like she wants to know.

When I met Gralson, I knew within hours (days at least) that he's bisexual, perverted, and sadistic. It took him a couple weeks to open up about the klismaphilia.

Your wife is not wrong in her belief that you're hiding things from her, she's just wrong about what you're hiding. You've tried to tell her some of them, and she doesn't want to hear it. Instead, she explains her gut feeling with a possibility that's more comprehensible for a woman in our society: simple infidelity.

Bisexual, non-monogamous, kinky. Those are some really big easter eggs. That pretty much encapsulates your entire Sexuality. How can two people even begin to have a marriage when one of them can't even accept one aspect of their spouse's sexuality, let alone three major aspects?

How can you even accept yourself when you're stifling such important parts of your sexuality just because she doesn't want to hear it? Forget about the lectures from staying out too late, you're allowing her to control you on such a fundamental level simply by refusing to hear what your desires are. Never mind acting on them, you're being denied even superficial understanding of them. To be understood and accepted are important human needs, needs that are not even beginning to be met in this relationship.

If you want this marriage to work, you need to tell her who you really are and what you desire from life. She doesn't have to like it, but you need to be understood, and that means her hearing it so she can make an informed choice about whether or not that's the man she wants to be married to. She needs to realize that this IS the man she's married to, and all the fingers-in-the-ears-humming-la-la-la in the world isn't going to change that. You can choose not to act on those desires, but you have the right to have those desires be known by your life partner.

Otherwise, she'll always be suspicious that you're keeping secrets, because you are. Since her brain won't "go there" with the other stuff, she'll always turn to secrets that a woman in our society can understand: cheating, other women, infidelity. In other words, she'll never be able to trust you so long as you really are hiding things. It would be insane to expect her to.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 04-01-2014 at 07:28 AM.
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  #352  
Old 04-02-2014, 04:25 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Whatever it takes; to make it possible for them to SEE that you are no longer lying is DEFINITELY not the same as doing whatever they want.

I can assure you-Maca did not WANT to hear about my love for someone else or see it. He didn't want to face my blunt honesty about who I am.

But-he did.

Being transparent has nothing to do with "giving them what they want" and everything to do with shoing them WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

It might be helpful to also realize, trust isn't about knowing someone won't hurt you. It's about knowing that they won't lie to you.

So-I can trust Maca's psycho ex wife. She's predictable in her actions and she never TRIES to lie. She SAYS she's clean (drug addict) when she's clean. But she doesn't claim to be when she falls off the wagon again.
I don't want to BE AROUND HER-cause she's psycho. But I can trust her.

You need to rebuild trust-because a relationship can't function without trust. But trust alone doesn't mean that the relationship will be maintained either.

She may find that you are honest and sincere and transparent about yourself (which allows her to regain trust) BUT that she can't stand you and doesn't want to be with you.

However; if you aren't transparent and you lock her out of parts of your life; she can ALWAYS ALWAYS make up more frightening stories in her head of what you are hiding behind those locked doors.

Do you have children?
I have kids.

If I put a lock on a box-they WILL break into it eventually. Not all of them, but one or another will. The curiosity will kill them.
On the other hand, I have so much porn it's unreasonable and it's just sitting on shelves in a closet that has no doors. They NEVER LOOK. The oldest DID NOT EVEN KNOW IT WAS THERE and she's 22 and regularly goes to that same closet to borrow clothing!

Because when someone makes something inaccessible; we are driving to wonder what is there AND we make up stories in our minds about what we think may be there.

So-you block her out of your facebook/text/email whatever; and her mind goes PSYCHO making up all sorts of shit.

Whereas; if she saw it; she still may not like it but she would know what she saw was what was actually there (even if she misinterprets it).

Like your female friend at work and sharing off-color/sexual jokes with her or whatever.
Don't be defensive.
Be forthright;
YES I enjoy having provocative conversations with her. I'm not interested in having a sexual relationship with her because (xyz reason she is not of interest to you) but-I absolutely enjoy her conversational skills in xyz type of provocative conversation.

NOT defending yourself as if there is nothing to notice because you aren't screwing her. Who cares if you screw her or not? You enjoy the conversations. Claim it. Own it.

I have a best friend. We've been friends almost 30 years. We talk about sex EVERY TIME WE SEE EACH OTHER. Maca knows. He was REALLY uncomfortable with it at first. But-neither of us tried to minimize what we have. The dude is my best friend. We're totally honest and we act the same around Maca as we do when we aren't around him. Other people see us-and related to Maca what they saw and guess what? It matches.
HE doesn't talk that way with people he isn't screwing (totally cool) but I DO. He had to learn that. But-until he witnessed it, the idea that someone could have a long-term relationship that involved talking about sex and never ACTUALLY have sex-never ever ever ever occurred to him and if you said it to him he would have told you that was total B.S.

So-no. Not saying "do whatever she wants.
But yes-I am saying if you want her to trust YOU and know YOU and love YOU and consider having a real relationship with YOU-then you need to BE YOU all of the time and that means being transparent-not hiding shit for convenience of avoiding her emotions and reactions to who you are.

Much like; as a bisexual person, I had to step it up and claim my girlfriend in front of my parents; not keep that part of me in the closet;
OR THEY COULD NOT ACCEPT ME because they didn't know me.
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  #353  
Old 10-16-2014, 02:22 AM
azorkanesbrat azorkanesbrat is offline
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Default Broken Boundaries/Broken Trust

I will do a search, but how do you regain trust when a boundary has been broken?
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  #354  
Old 10-16-2014, 02:40 AM
billypi billypi is offline
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Trust is like a sheet of paper. When you break that trust, the paper is crumpled up into a ball, stomped on, crushed.

You can take the paper. Unfold it. Carefully work on it until it is a single sheet of paper again.

It will never be perfectly flat again. It will always have creases and markings.
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  #355  
Old 10-16-2014, 04:05 AM
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Sannafrid Sannafrid is offline
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Not knowing the particulars, my answer is based on my own anecdotal experience. I think the best course of action would be honest discussion with the offending partner about how and why what happened was a boundary violation. Of course, your partner would have to be willing to listen and let you be vulnerable without hurting you further. If they can't do that, they don't deserve your trust.
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  #356  
Old 10-17-2014, 07:51 PM
Confused Confused is offline
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To regain someone's trust you need to demonstrate understanding of how and why the betrayal occurred and show them by taking actions to prevent it happening again that you are serious about repairing things. And listen without getting defensive when they need to tell you how it felt or when they honestly say that they don't yet trust you.

My experience is that regaining full relaxed trust in someone takes 1-2 years if they do these things. It's a long road but can absolutely be repaired.
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  #357  
Old 10-23-2014, 11:54 PM
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I think the length of time it takes to restore trust depends on how serious the original breach of trust was. Did someone forget to clean the litter box when they promised they'd do it? That's a minor breach of trust, pretty easily fixed. Did they go out and have unprotected sex without telling you, and then expose you to HIV? That's a major breach of trust, not at all easily fixed.

The big breaches of trust generally heal one small step at a time. You can't just wave a magic wand and start trusting someone again. You have to see evidence, over a long period of time, that the person can be trusted. Also the person who broke your trust should provide any restitution that they can provide.
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  #358  
Old 10-24-2014, 12:46 AM
azorkanesbrat azorkanesbrat is offline
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Just to be clear - it was me that broke a boundary.

I didnt' see it as a huge breach of trust - but he does.

I didn't see it as a HUGE boundary - but he did.

I must have known something was wrong - because I did it, and didn't tell him, and finally threw it in his face in the middle of an argument.

I feel kinda like I"m sitting on a fence - on one hand - there's possibility of life on my own. On the other hand.. there's life without him. Which kinda devastates me on both sides.

This is one situation where I can't have everything I want.

It would have been easier for him to decide - for him to just say "done"

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Don't say *There's still time* or *Maybe next time* because there is always the concept of *It's too late*
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  #359  
Old 10-24-2014, 01:24 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Do you *want* him to say "done?" If you do, and he won't do it, then maybe *you* should say "done." Don't you think?
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  #360  
Old 10-24-2014, 06:29 AM
Candiedlove Candiedlove is offline
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You say poly is on hold, but what about Amber?
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Newly poly, but never monogamous

The "polyship":

Me 28F,
Sam 39M, my partner
Jen 38F, Sam's fwb & my friend

The former players:
Candi 41F, Sam's and my fwb/emphasis on the "f"/light on the "b"
Felycia 29F, Sam's and my fwb?/potential girlfriend
Leana 29F, Sam's and my girlfriend
Charlene, Sam's ex-wife
Paul, Charlene's boyfriend
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