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Old 04-01-2014, 09:30 PM
paramour paramour is offline
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Default Is It OK To Start Poly For 1st Time Knowing Ex Will Be Secondary?

Hello everyone!

I do not know anyone who is poly anything and I am so lost because I don't know what to think or where to begin!

I hope that you lovely people on here can give me your honest opinions and advice. What's great is that I know anyone who will reply to this will be good at giving honest answers cuz that's one huge part of being poly

I will say that I am not completely sure if I am totally polyamorous or not since I have not had an actual poly relationship before. BUT I have been showing a bit of serious polyamorous behavior, thoughts, and emotions in a current primarily monogamous relationship situation.

SO, right now I am engaged to my monogamous boyfriend of 3 years in a long-distance relationship. "Engaged" is a loose term right now since we don't plan to get married anytime soon. He lives up north in the US while I live completely south, but I hope to live with him within the next few years. Right now we see each other about 2-3 months at a time and talk a lot. I love him so much and he loves me just as much. The two of us have so so much in common that we don't with anyone else and are heading in similar directions towards our goals in careers. Also, we have pretty good communication and honesty in our relationship as well as sometimes opposing but complimentary personalities.

We have both come to trust each other immensely, so knowing that from our personalities that it would be hard for either of us to abstain from wanting some form of physicality, I proposed that both of us be able to have safe sex with other people we knew. I did this mostly for my fiancee because I know that he is generally a physical person and I did not want him to be deprived of such a thing. We agreed to do this, and he has been with a few girls he is friends with while I have only been with one of my friends who is my ex.

My ex and I have been good friends for about 5 years, but didn't begin to know each other that well until we started dating. We didn't get together until after knowing him for two years (after my previous ex), but we only dated for about 6-7 months. I couldn't be with him anymore during that time because I realized that while he has many amazing personality traits, he was not able to share in many things I love such as sharing and exploring new foods and he wasn't heading down a specific career path like I was.

~


It was after my ex that I met my fiancee. My ex and I remained good friends and when my fiancee and I decided to open up our relationship physically, I chose my ex for a couple of reasons. Unfortunately I do not have much of a means to obtain single straight guy friends with whom to be physical with, unlike my sociable fiancee who has many girl friends. Also, I trust my ex to not do anything I would be uncomfortable with.

An interesting thing transpired while creating a physical relationship with this ex-boyfriend.

When I was dating my ex, we had fun, but I think we didn't meet much of each other's needs as far as doing sociable things. He is more of a homebody who likes to bring over his friends while I love to go out and do new things with one another.

But it wasn't until we began to be physical with one another again, while with my fiancee, that we started to feel something very different for one another. Suddenly, there was no bitterness between the two of us at all as there was when we dated and realized that we felt more deeply connected spiritually and mentally with one another. In fact, we both realized how much we think alike and how much we understand one another on an intellectual level.

My ex and I only see each other a few times a month and aren't dating or anything like that.

~


I almost didn't want to believe it, but I found that I am actually in love with my fiancee and with my ex at the same time.

I think that my fiancee and my ex compliment each other perfectly since they cannot provide everything for me nor do I expect them to.

I also realized that I felt happier and better in general when my fiancee and I started this arrangement of openness. I was glad he was getting his physical needs met. Also, I noticed that since being with both of them on a certain level made me more stable and sure and has helped improve my primary relationship with my fiancee.

I have to be completely honest in saying that I haven't said anything about my feelings to my fiancee. I didn't expect myself to be in love with my ex since I was the one who broke up with him and didn't think he was right for me. But now, I think being in this type of arrangement has actually brought out the best in both relationships.

While I was thinking about it, my ex actually vocalized polyamory in a way by saying that if we had such a relationship that he would be fine with it and that he would recognize he is the secondary partner.


~


My main question to you all is: If I wanted to be in a polyamorous relationship, is it okay to begin with knowing my ex-boyfriend will be the secondary partner from the get-go?
The two men know each other and like one another as well.

Also, if my fiancee is monogamous, I know that it may not be for him and that there may never be a polyamorous relationship. How do you let your primary monogamous partner know for the first that you are in love and want to be with someone else?

Does it sound like I might be right for polyamory or no? (I will add that I'm a very honest and open person in general)

Forgive me if this is too long and convoluted. I tried so hard to minimize haha

Thank you!!

Last edited by paramour; 04-01-2014 at 09:34 PM.
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Old 04-01-2014, 10:34 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by paramour View Post
Does it sound like I might be right for polyamory or no? (I will add that I'm a very honest and open person in general)
There are a couple of things you need to consider, the first and most obvious is that you need to be honest with your partners. You describe yourself as being honest and open but if your fiance thinks you are having casual sex and doesn't know you have fallen deeply in love with your ex then you are setting this whole thing up for failure.

Poly or mono, you can't be dishonest with your loved ones and think that's going to turn out well.

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I wanted to be in a polyamorous relationship, is it okay to begin with knowing my ex-boyfriend will be the secondary partner from the get-go?
The view of primary/secondary ranks being needed for a poly relationship is one very specific approach. Many people don't take part in hierarchical relationships but instead let each relationship stand on its own merit without limiting it with labels. Personally, I think you ought to consider dropping the idea of ranking the relationships - I doubt it is going to help.
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Old 04-01-2014, 11:03 PM
paramour paramour is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
There are a couple of things you need to consider, the first and most obvious is that you need to be honest with your partners. You describe yourself as being honest and open but if your fiance thinks you are having casual sex and doesn't know you have fallen deeply in love with your ex then you are setting this whole thing up for failure.

Poly or mono, you can't be dishonest with your loved ones and think that's going to turn out well.



The view of primary/secondary ranks being needed for a poly relationship is one very specific approach. Many people don't take part in hierarchical relationships but instead let each relationship stand on its own merit without limiting it with labels. Personally, I think you ought to consider dropping the idea of ranking the relationships - I doubt it is going to help.
Ok thanks a lot for that. I haven't said anything yet because I think I was still understanding what was happening to me internally. I think now I'm completely sure, but I would like to wait until I see him in person.

Also, in an ideal situation, I can understand not having hierarchies. I suppose that notion just came from my ex who has referred to himself as being "secondary."
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Old 04-01-2014, 11:12 PM
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I see no problem with involving your ex per se, but you do need to let your fiancÚ know what's going on. In poly, everyone involved has to give their consent with full knowledge of what is happening.

There is no special way to tell him, so maybe simple is best. "I need to let you know that my ex and I are starting to have feelings for one another." I don't know how your fiancÚ will react. There's no special way you can tell him that will guarantee he'll take the news well. Maybe he'll need time to process the information and decide if it's something he can live with.

You can certainly be poly and continue along your current path, just so both of the guys know what's going on and are okay with it. And it's really up to you whether you want to say "primary" and "secondary."

Good luck!
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