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  #61  
Old 04-01-2014, 05:10 PM
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It's worth mentioning that poly units with more than two long-term partners do exist, and in fact are quite common; I'm in one of them. So no, nothing odd about having a second long-term partner in mind.

You've read "both standard poly books" so that should give you a good foundation from which to work.
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  #62  
Old 04-20-2014, 02:12 AM
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I saw Estrella again... I missed her the last two weeks because I went at a different time... She knew I came in because she asked some of the staff if I came in or not...I think she was disappointed that I came at a different time... Sometimes she is busy, but it seems like she wants to converse...

What I don't know is if she just sees me as a regular patron, or if she is interested...

I know... I assume she knows I am married. I just don't know how to says " hey... I am interested in you. Let get together for coffee. Oh, by the way, I am married. What do you feel about open marriages?"

Or just skip the part about being married until we have coffee?
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  #63  
Old 04-20-2014, 02:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Oh that old hijack.

Re (from Smiles):


Personally I think I'd mention/describe the open marriage first ... then let that sink in for a few days/weeks (and make sure Estrella is cool with the idea of an open marriage) before asking Estrella out. Perhaps you could reassure her by giving her Perlina's contact info so she could confirm first-hand that Perlina was okay with it?

Asking someone out is always a risk. Nature of the beast.
So just ask her the same thing as I did with Angelina?

Just ask Estrella... " how do you feel about open marriages?

How come that seems like I am just after sex?
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  #64  
Old 04-20-2014, 04:32 AM
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Hmmm. Is there some way to mention your marriage in a casual way? "My wife was asking about you the other day ... nothing bad, we've had an open marriage for awhile." That might suffice for one conversation. At some future conversation you might get a chance to bring it up again. "Hey, you know how I said my wife and I have an open marriage. I was wondering how you felt about that sort of thing?" That might suffice for that second conversation. Maybe in some third conversation you'll have opportunity to ask the big question. "You know, I've actually been wanting to ask you out for some time ... Is that something you might want to do?"

I won't pretend to be some kind of poly dating wizard who knows how to ease someone into the subject of poly and open relationships. You just approach the subject as best as you can, a little at a time. Give Estrella time to digest each bit of information before bringing up more. Who knows how it'll happen in real life. Maybe all "three" of those conversations will end up happening in just one conversation. There's really no magic answer though; it certainly makes sense to proceed cautiously, whereas if caution stops you dead in your tracks, then you'll never know whether Estrella might have been interested in spite of the unusual arrangement.

Worst case scenario, she says no. That doesn't mean she doesn't like you and I wouldn't take it that way. Just be cool about it and say, "That's okay, I just had to ask." And then continue being friendly with her if that's okay with her. A friendship is quite valuable even if it never goes anywhere romantic. Just respect her right to think for herself and make her own decisions. She's probably perfectly capable of being objective about things, she seems like a sensible type. "No" could mean nothing more than, "I just don't happen to be romantically interested." That can happen in monogamous dating as well as polyamorous dating.

Maybe someday someone will write a handbook about how to go about these things. Right now, though, poly and open relationships aren't widely enough accepted to have a lot of published/professional support. We're kind of forced to figure things out as we go along. If we're lucky we get experienced advice from folks who've done a lot of poly dating. Alas, however, I'm not one of those people. Shoot I barely have any dating experience at all, let alone poly dating experience. I just know that confessing my feelings for someone has served me well in the past. At the worst it's at least drawn out a thoughtful response from the other person.
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  #65  
Old 05-14-2014, 01:49 PM
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OK guys... I feel like a dweeb,

On a whim, I went out for lunch by myself at Becks Prime Restaurant/Sports bar...Not the place that Estrella works.

I sat down and sitting across from me was a sweet looking interesting attractive woman, also dining along. I first thought she was waiting for somebody because she was texting.

I was thinking about asking if I could join her after a minute of sitting there.

I ordered my Shiner Bock beer and glanced at her every so often. She kept playing on her Iphone. I orders my burger and sweet potato fries.

Still Nobody came to meet her. Still wanting to join her for lunch.

So the food comes and I was still chicken to ask.

I finish by burger and beer and leave.. Kicking myself in the ass for missing an opportunity to meet a new person...

What would y'all do if a stranger wanted to join you for lunch.

This was a woman by herself, in a sports bar, eating alone. She wasn't in a hurry and played with her IPhone most of the time. She wasn't there to watch sports news and she had a salad. People go to Becks usually for the burgers.

Yes, I am officially a nerd.
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  #66  
Old 05-14-2014, 05:05 PM
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I think there's as many possible responses to your hypothetical approach as there are people in the world. For example, some people are introverts and absorbed in their iPhone not wanting to be interrupted. Others are just on their iPhone cause it's something to do, but they'd really prefer a live chat with someone.

Sometimes ya just gotta take a chance. KWIM?
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  #67  
Old 05-15-2014, 02:28 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Smiles,

I have read your posts, and I believe in one you said that you were not sure how you would react if your wife got interested in other men,. Right now, it looks like she has just given you the green light to "explore" opening your relationship and you have decided to call yourself poly.
If i am reading things correctly, so far you are having fun flirting and trying to figure out how to start a physical relationship with just about any and all women who will converse with you, including at work. And unless i am wrong, to date you have been at it a while and other than some flirting conversation, not much has happened. And meanwhile, your wife is sitting on the sidelines not communicating a lot.
So to me, I think you may be a little naive about non monogamy in general so I just would like to point out some thing you may want to think about as you progress.
(1) In ANY form of non monogamy, the power is all with the women. If your wife was being as enthused about meeting others as you are, in the time you have been posting she could have connected with more men than you could count if she wanted to. As you are finding it frustrating that some women are not interested in dating a married man, very few men will give a damm what your wife;s marital status is if she offers them the opportunity to get in her pants. Slo if you have not thoroughly thought that one out, you better do it, and make sure you are Ok with it, because one day she might tell you you are having so much fun she'd like to try it, and at that point you have no right to say no.
(2) I would also keep trying to find out all the time what your wife is REALLY thinking about your activities. I know she is not a real communicative person, but you know her best. That is important because if she inwardly really is not liking what you are doing, you might get a big surprise that she is just leaving, or that she finds a partner that wants just her.

Mono-poly relationships can work fine, IF the mono person is on board at least most of the way. If they are just tolerating it, eventually it will lead to disaster.

I am not trying to lecture you , but I have known many men who have initiated getting into non monogamy thinking it will be all fun and games, and you seem to be having fun right now. But when their female partner blows them at the game and is having a blast, all of a sudden the men are not that enthused. it is always better to think these things out as best as you can in advance. That is all I am suggesting to you.

Good luck
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  #68  
Old 05-16-2014, 02:38 AM
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Frisky


I am not calling it poly. I am calling it open. The ideal situation would be that it could be poly at some point in the future. That may not be possible. I am the ultimate nice guy. I am flirting a little with many women. Most have a problem with me being married. For good reason.

Perlina is Asexual, whatever that means. After many years of an almost sexless marriage, I was about to leave/Divorce because there was virtually no sex. I communicated and she responded by doing her best to comply with sex. She has very little desire and it was overwhelming for her. In my OP, I said we were having sex 3X a month for 17 years. Although I always wanted more, I just though it was normal once people got married. I never pushed it until 4 years ago... Then sex was 3X a week. ..10X month or so. We didn't have sex during her period

Then she told me the ILYBNILWY krap. She sees us as friends/companions. She wants to stay married for the intact family. Then said she is just fine without sex. Then some time later Perlina was telling mutual friends "if Smiles wants to have sex with other women, it fine by me". Later, I asked about that and she said it was fine if I did...

I won't/can't say she couldn't get laid if she wanted to. She could... She just has no desire to do that. She stays bone dry and has never been a sexual woman. Most women can have sex anytime they want. The average man doesn't have that option.

It is frustrating. I have no idea what will happen when I do find a woman I really care about comes along. I don't know how Perlina will respond. I would be surprised if she had a relationship. If she did, and she was turned on, then I would know we were just mismatched. I don't know how I would react, just like I don't know how she would react if I hooked up.

Like I said. I wanted to D several years ago. We are hanging in there. If she came to me tomorrow and wanted a D, I would just fine to let her go. I know she wants our companionship/friendship, and an intact home for our daughter. It takes the two of us. Plus she can't financially support herself. I want her to take classes to improve her skills so she can accomplish that. I don't want her to depend on me, especially if she wants to leave. I want her to be independsent.

Disaster? Yes I agree. She doesn't even want to talk about it. She has been very sexual recently, since the open marriage. I like it. I think she is more fearful that I will fall in love with somebody. I know I am lovable, even if my wife doesn't love me that way.

So yes, I am having fun flirting. I am after just one woman to have mutually satisfying sex. If Perlina still wants to stay and the new partner is fine with that arrangement, that would be perfect. I don't think that will happen that way. More than likely, we will D before that happens.

I will have to decide if I want to stay married to Perlina, who isn't in love with me and doesn't care for sex one way or another or D Perlina and risk a new relationship that may not work out either. So for now, I am building my confidence. It kind of died from being married to a woman who never desired me. So, I am practicing being single, practicing meeting women. I am getting better at it. I am having fun.


You did bring up valid points and I have thought about all of what you mentioned . Being open or poly is something I can't tell many people. I am just out there trying to meet people. That's pretty harmless.

Last edited by Smiles; 05-16-2014 at 02:50 AM.
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  #69  
Old 05-16-2014, 03:19 AM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Looks like you have it well thought out. Hope it all works out
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  #70  
Old 05-16-2014, 11:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by friskyone4u View Post
Looks like you have it well thought out. Hope it all works out
No.... Just because I have thought about it so much, it doesn't mean I have it all figured out. Reading over what others have experienced gives me even more to think about. I just don't want to lose my lifelong partner over our mismatched libido. Not sure about the not 'in love" thing. Maybe that is what I am after.... Love! That sounds so lame.
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