New to this and dealing with jealousy

[ak2381]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

Ak-

I think that you misunderstood what I meant about the introduction thing.
I'm not saying that once KT feels comfortable they SHOULD introduce her to everyone.
I'm saying that it should not be an OPTION until KT feels comfortable with her relationship with the GF.

I think that it is wrong for the gf to feel like she DESERVES to build relationships with anyone in his life-until she's built the relationship with his wife.

Sorry if I said it in a confusing way!
Sometimes there is so much on my mind I get to rambling!

thanks LR. yes, I can agree with that. It needs to be left up to KT's comfort level and until KT is comfy, if she ever is the GF does need to back off a little.

[KatTails]

I am going to make this brief (I know, a stretch for me since my posts are typically way too long) because I am emotionally drained. This whole thing with GF wanting to meet friends and family has me angsty and stressed. I still welcome thoughts and opinions - I just can't think about it anymore tonight.

ak - thanks and {{{{ak2381}}}}. Sorry you had what sounds like a horrible week. I'll post more tomorrow or I'll send you a PM. Hang in there!

LR - thank you for clarifying!

Goodnight - Kat

[LovingRadiance]

NP!
Sorry it was confusing before!!


I really agree with you-just that I have a more detailed expectation. I don't have the anxiety and so I can more clearly consider exactly what it is I want.

There is also the fact that where I live it's just not a big deal to be "blunt".

I am the poly-person in this situation. But that doesn't change my opinion on how relationships fall out in terms of priorities. I REALLY do believe that if she wants to be accepted as part of hte family-the way she needs to go about it is becoming A PART OF YOUR family. I.E. becoming important to YOU.
IF she does that-she COULD meet those people AS YOUR FRIEND and ultimately if she REALLY worked on her relationship with you-she could be a family friend.


No one thinks anything about seeing GG give me his arm to walk me across the parking lot, or helping me into the car when Maca isn't available to do so, becuase it's just the RIGHT way for a man to treat a woman who is important to them, and that's assuming he's "JUST" a family friend.

She's really being brainless in THAT aspect.

THAT being said from me, and I'm OUT about being poly. My whole family and my friends know I am poly. My whole family and friends know that GG is my boyfriend and Maca my husband. Maca's family knows too and GG's friends know.

BUT-there IS a protocol for how things WORK. It's not about "right" or "wrong". It's about does it WORK, is it FUNCTIONAL?

And her methodology-isn't functional.

[Morningglory629]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

If you don't do that - and work toward that - then these "boundaries" can become a control tool and a source of manipulation. Control and manipulation soon undermine any relationship - even friendship.

You have a "boundary" ? Ok. No Problem. For now....
You want to KEEP that boundary ? Then you better have a very good, clear reason you can explain, with illustrations, of why it's necessary and how it's not be used as a manipulative tool to shield insecurity or a fragile ego. And a plan for how you are going to make it go away if that's the case. And everyone agrees to help you in that process.

GS

I really agree with this. I hope in my situation my OSOs SO understands that I want nothing more than a loving friendship with her, and that the boundaries are hindering that growth. I also hope that she would be fair in her projections of me to not only our shared SO but with those people in their lives who are significant to my lover and to also be willing to be wholly part of my life as a friend knowing my family and friends. That is the whole point of this, right?

[Morningglory629]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

NP!
Sorry it was confusing before!!


There is also the fact that where I live it's just not a big deal to be "blunt".

I am the poly-person in this situation. But that doesn't change my opinion on how relationships fall out in terms of priorities. I REALLY do believe that if she wants to be accepted as part of hte family-the way she needs to go about it is becoming A PART OF YOUR family. I.E. becoming important to YOU.
IF she does that-she COULD meet those people AS YOUR FRIEND and ultimately if she REALLY worked on her relationship with you-she could be a family friend.

She's really being brainless in THAT aspect.

THAT being said from me, and I'm OUT about being poly. My whole family and my friends know I am poly. My whole family and friends know that GG is my boyfriend and Maca my husband. Maca's family knows too and GG's friends know.

BUT-there IS a protocol for how things WORK. It's not about "right" or "wrong". It's about does it WORK, is it FUNCTIONAL?

And her methodology-isn't functional.

Little confused here. BTW I like blunt. Who is being brainless? And what isn't functional? Is the gf trying to be a friend and being shutout because of insecurities? One more question, the process of coming out has to start somewhere, correct? How does that start once the SOs are aware of it and accepting to a degree? Someone has to meet someone's family or friends? Is a year a significant amount of time? Two? HELP!

[ak2381]

Originally Posted by Morningglory629

Little confused here. BTW I like blunt. Who is being brainless? And what isn't functional? Is the gf trying to be a friend and being shutout because of insecurities? One more question, the process of coming out has to start somewhere, correct? How does that start once the SOs are aware of it and accepting to a degree? Someone has to meet someone's family or friends? Is a year a significant amount of time? Two? HELP!

My husbands GF is aware that we won't be coming out. She and her husband haven't either and don't intend to. Its a personal choice different polys have to make. We have decided to keep this within our relationships because of the harsh judgements and that it is no one elses business so we don't care for their unresearched opinions.

[Morningglory629]

Ah. Ok Got it. Thanks!

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Morningglory629

Little confused here. BTW I like blunt. Who is being brainless? And what isn't functional? Is the gf trying to be a friend and being shutout because of insecurities? One more question, the process of coming out has to start somewhere, correct? How does that start once the SOs are aware of it and accepting to a degree? Someone has to meet someone's family or friends? Is a year a significant amount of time? Two? HELP!

There is no one time frame.
We were open with everyone within a couple weeks-seriously.
Some people are NEVER open. I have friends who've had an open relationship for over 2 years-no one from their "real life" knows still.

What I was saying is brainless is that the girlfriend is pushing to meet the boyfriends family/friends (as his girlfriend) but she hasn't put the time in to ACTUALLY get to know his wife.
That to me (as the poly-motivator in my V) is jumping the gun. FIRST you gotta get some settled security within the primary family dynamic (by this I don't mean "primary" in poly-I mean primary as in not in laws/siblings etc) THEN you go on to external friends and family.

Also-if for example my husband never wants to tell his mother-which is HIGHLY likely-then we won't. That's not GG's place to push.
IF GG doesn't want to deal with his parents-which he likely will end up doing-then we will but not until HE makes thatchoices. It's not Maca's place to push.
Nor is it my place AS THE GIRLFRIEND TO GG to push him to introduce me to anyone.

I CAN however ask him why, if, when. But I need to respect his choices.

I am blunt-so I look forward to getting to meet you.

[Morningglory629]

But gf isn't trying to meet friends/family as a girlfriend. The earlier post indicated this was just as a friend of the couple and the couple move into gf's life as friends. The only people aware are the 4 in the relationship and another relative that had been inadvertently but nonetheless badly shocked by finding out about outside lovers.
Two weeks would have been too soon for my relationships but a year later I am still tapping my foot to get the show on the road. I think pushing to be friends is acceptable...NOT to be outed as gf/bf with said circle of peeps. Just my opinion and what I know I "push" for.

[LovingRadiance]

In and of itself I agree with you Morning-
BUT the girlfriend AS a girlfriend has a responsibility to promote a relationship between herself and the COUPLE.
She's NOT friends with KT.

Now-don't get me wrong (I am the poly one in my marriage) I'm not saying that the wife (KT) doesn't ALSO have that responsibility.
In fact I have talked some about that previously.

I'm just saying that the gf FIRST has a responsibility to build and become friends with the wife before she can expect to be introduced "as a friend of the family".
Right now she's NOT a friend of the family.

I have a boyfriend and a husband. Neither of them have anyone else at this point. But our boundary list clearly agrees that a new S.O. MUST take the time to build a relationship with us. There's no way they are going to be introduced as a friend of the family if they aren't ACTUALLY a friend of the family.

THAT SAID-personally I don't care. If my husband took a girlfriend to a family gathering, I just don't give a shit and I just don't give a shit what the family thinks either.
BUT that's me.