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Old 03-29-2014, 10:32 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

Yes, it rings true. I am somewhere between two and three. I let go of the pain when I was able to release it and stop holding it in. I could jump up and down on the furniture in my therapist's office and and yell until I am blue in the face, but it was more of a release to actually say the words directly to Si. In therapy, it just felt like a one-sided conversation. I was able to get feedback and ask questions that only Si had the answers to. The conversation provided clarity and understanding.

While I do not condone what she did or consider her apology absolution, I am empathetic. I do appreciate her apologising, and I believe the apologies were sincere. I am not completely shutting myself off from her. In some ways, I find myself taking Matt's approach and trying to find something good in every one. She made rotten choices, but I do not think her core is rotten. I have no idea what the future holds, but if we can reach a place where trust can grow and an honest friendship can blossom, I am okay with that.

Something that has struck me about those four levels is that the higher the level, the more it tends to require the participation of the person who hurt you. You could let go of the pain without any effort on Si's part, perhaps without Si even caring whether you forgave her. But now that she is beginning to participate, and is beginning to take action and begin the repentance process by expressing regret for what she did and owning up to it, it seems to make it possible for your heart to open up to her just a little. Maybe even do something (just a little something) nice by giving her a hug.
I noticed that as well. Truthfully, there was no awkward energy between us. It was reminiscent of talking to an old friend that I had lost contact with. Am I happy that she owned up to it and is taking responsibility? 100%. That little act just might be the beginning of her getting back into my good graces. We are a long way away from daily contact or being buddy buddy, but I can respect her taking responsibility and admitting her mistakes. Time can supposedly heal what has been hurt.

In any case, it would be hard for both you and her to go as far as that fourth level. My brother says you have to give the offending party a reasonable set of steps they can follow to regain your trust. Well, I am thinking the quest Si would have to accomplish would be that she would have to regain Matt's trust before she could regain yours.

I can't imagine how Si would accomplish that. I don't know where Matt is in terms of forgiveness level but I'm sure it's far from the fourth level. I wonder if it would help if Si wrote Matt a hand-written letter? I'm sure Matt wouldn't be willing to meet her for lunch or tea, but maybe he'd be willing to read that letter (without crumpling it up). If so, it would give Si a chance to apologize to him, and own up to what she did.
Matt is the key piece. He tries to see the good in people, and if she apologises directly to him in whatever form, he might be receptive to the idea of giving her the chance to earn his trust back.

I cannot definitively say what level he is on. He is able to talk about her without changing the subject or getting irritated at the very mention of her name. Does he want to be around her? I am sure he would prefer to keep it like it was the first eight years. Minimal to no interaction. He has no interest in telling me who I should and should not be friends with, so as long as I keep them apart and her away from our children, he is not likely to say anything.

It is quite possible that he has forgiven her, though. He is devout in his faith, and if he felt like God was displeased with his dislike of Si and the harbouring of ill feelings, I am sure he found a way to reconcile both. He has been in therapy for months, and I am sure his feelings regarding Si have been discussed. It would seem as if he was at peace with it. Yesterday was the first time we talked about Si in more than passing.

I was a bit thrown off by him not checking out of the conversation and actually engaging in dialogue. That was not what I expected. It is possible that he might be willing to meet with her face to face. I think he would be receptive to a handwritten letter, and he might be willing to talk to her face to face with some type of signed agreement stating how it will and will not go down. I am not refereeing or chaperoning any meetings. After the last public display of foolishness, he might not trust her to behave and conduct herself calmly and rationally. The reluctance will probably stem from her side. It was easy to face me and own up, but could she do the same with him? I know him well enough to say that he will give her the chance to speak her peace, but he has no filter. If he is thinking it, nothing will stop it from coming out. I attempted to protect her feelings while being direct and carefully selecting my words. If she takes offence to anything he says, face to face interaction would sour in about 15 seconds flat. History has a way of repeating itself. They are petrol and fire. Volatile and flammable. A video chat might do the job. If it gets too intense, end the call, walk away, and take a breather.

Of course, even doing all four levels would not mean that you could let her back into your life again. It's not a matter of trusting her. The fact is, there simply isn't room for her in your life anymore. You have found out that polyamory doesn't work for you. I suppose the best Si could hope for (hypothetically) is to become a cordial friend, though not one who could ever see the children. How could she ever regain their trust? It is a riddle; perhaps there is no answer.
Absolutely. There are no guarantees that I will be able to fit her in my life as a friend. I am willing to try should the opportunity present itself. Romantically, we are done. There will be no reconciliation, and if the hopes for one are alive, they need to be dashed right now. It has been a day shy of a year since we broke up, and if I had any interest in renewing a romance, it would have popped up by now. I doubt she would ever regain my child's trust. She wants nothing to do with her.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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