Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 03-28-2014, 06:20 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 242
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
If you are totally opposed to even consensually interacting with someone partnered, you should ask their relationship status.
Every dating site I have ever used has an area for relationship status in the profile. Granted, OKC has had recent updates so it is not visible for everyone who hasn't updated their profile since the updates, but in most cases it says "single" or "married" or "available" or something to that effect. What do you put in those areas? If someone says single, then they have answered the "what is your relationship status" question already so I wouldn't bother. If it's left blank, then sure... Ask.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 03-28-2014, 06:21 PM
RedPanda's Avatar
RedPanda RedPanda is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 47
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
Every dating site I have ever used has an area for relationship status in the profile. Granted, OKC has had recent updates so it is not visible for everyone who hasn't updated their profile since the updates, but in most cases it says "single" or "married" or "available" or something to that effect. What do you put in those areas? If someone says single, then they have answered the "what is your relationship status" question already so I wouldn't bother. If it's left blank, then sure... Ask.
That's a good point but I've noticed some of the poly people in my area have left theirs as "single". I tried that for a while but it felt very disingenuous.
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 03-28-2014, 06:33 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 242
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by RedPanda View Post
That's a good point but I've noticed some of the poly people in my area have left theirs as "single". I tried that for a while but it felt very disingenuous.
That would rub me the wrong way depending on the type of relationships involved. If it really is like they're just "dating multiple people," I wouldn't have a problem with it. If they have a live-in partner, spouse, or something like that it would feel very dishonest.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 03-28-2014, 07:23 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Even someone who is single may be dating people who could soon become a fully fledged romantic partner. I still ask.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 03-28-2014, 09:40 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,376
Default

So I know the conversation is now on when it's best to disclose, but I would like a clarification. If I understood your problem right, you have no problem getting answers when you don't mention poly, and you have no problem getting answers from mono people even if you mention poly, but poly people don't respond if you mention poly?

That seems a bit weird. One thing that comes to mind is that maybe because you have a committed partner they fear you're only looking for sex on the side, or that you're hierarchical and have tons of rules, etc. I used to talk in priority to guys who had a committed partner, because I'm interested in committed relationships and to me that showed they could have them, but half of them seemed to actually be cheating, either because they admitted it in some ways (oh yeah, we're poly, but my wife doesn't know) or because they had very weird "you can never see my wife or if you see her don't mention that we're dating" kinda rules.

And then the rest was very hierarchical. So it was all along the lines of "what do you mean a relationship? I have a wife already. I just want sex. You have a long-term partner top so that's what you want, right?" or "Of course we can have a relationship! You'll be allowed to see me from 9:30 to 11:30 once every other week, but first my wife needs to "interview" you to make sure you're okay. Then you can only give me blowjobs, and I can't interact with your vagina in any ways"

There was only one guy who seemed to have similar ideas as a did, and we turned out not be a match (we became friends though so that's still good). So I got a total of zero dates out of OKCupid (and I had to be the one sending messages to every single one of the guys, too).

It's possible people worry you're like that. Not sure what you can do about that, but hopefully someone will eventually give it a chance and talk to you to figure out if you are.
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 03-29-2014, 04:07 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 288
Default

I have a committed partner who lives with me the majority of the time, but I'd still list myself as single. And not bat an eye. We both see other people and describe each other as significant others. Perhaps it would be different if we were married, but we're not.

Unmarried people who have a significant other who agrees with them dating other people is single. Single people go on dates. Multiple dates with other people.

And like london says, there has to be some responsibility of the other person to ask about your situation. Most dating sites aren't the kind where you just read a profile and then meet up. You read a profile...make contact...talk on the site for a week or more...then start texting...then maybe a phone call...THEN meet up. If you can't get to know someone in that amount of time, then you're on your own in my book.
__________________
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 03-29-2014, 04:48 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,376
Default

Well, I define single as "not having any partner at all", not "available to more partners". It's like, I have a sexual partner but am available for sex with others, that doesn't make me celibate.

Now, I'm aware that "single" can also mean "not married" but that's certainly not what dating sites mean so I think it's dishonest to act like it is.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 03-29-2014, 06:37 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Monogamous people often date a few people considering themselves single. When they commit to one of those people, they are no longer single. Similarly, some poly people who haven't made a formal romantic commitment to anyone may feel they are single. This is why you ask.
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 03-29-2014, 07:23 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 288
Default

It seems like there's a flaw in the nomenclature of the dating sites. Some folks here "fix" the problem by being over-inclusive despite the I'll effects. Others are, perhaps, under-inclusive so fix the problem that's no fault of their own.

I really wish people would stop using judgmental words to describe the feeling that the others' opinion gives them.
__________________
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 03-29-2014, 11:32 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,237
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
I really wish people would stop using judgmental words to describe the feeling that the others' opinion gives them.
People judge. That's life. Without the capacity to judge, we wouldn't be able to dress ourselves in the morning nor know when to cross the street without getting run over. If one wants opinions on a topic, one is basically asking others to judge a situation and share their views. Judgmental language would be a part of that.

If one doesn't want to read the gamut of experiences and opinions from many different people who have divergent views and various ways of expressing themselves, then it would be better to ask for opinions from a closed, select group of people instead of strangers on an international public forum on the internet.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:46 PM.