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  #21  
Old 03-27-2014, 07:17 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
I agree with this too. I'm simply saying tell them on the date.
And to me that would be deceitful. If you have a gf, bf, fiance, fiancee, huband or wife you that should be discussed before the first date. why get someone's hopes up.

Only way that it could be ethical to wait is if you were single and poly.
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  #22  
Old 03-27-2014, 07:25 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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I state I am poly on my okc profile and even link to my spouse's profile. When I am contacted, the first question I'll ask the person is "Did you read my profile"? One reason is the viewer only looks at the pic and sends a message. If the answer is yes, then I ask them if they are ok with poly. Lots of times the answer is "oh yeah, no problem". I still investigate further and see if the questions in okc about open relationships/poly are answered yes or no. Lots of time after they say "ok" I read they said "no" on those questions. By this point...if there is not a good conversation going on...the person is obviously just trying to get in my pants and not worth my time.
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  #23  
Old 03-27-2014, 07:41 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Only way that it could be ethical to wait is if you were single and poly.
No. That's not the only way. But I'm going to bow out of this one.
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  #24  
Old 03-27-2014, 09:05 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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It has to be brought up before the first date. I'd probably also discuss it on the first date just to make sure we're both on the same page. Why waste anybodies time and get them out without letting them know beforehand exactly what the situation was?
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  #25  
Old 03-27-2014, 09:39 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Originally Posted by WhatToDo View Post
It has to be brought up before the first date. I'd probably also discuss it on the first date just to make sure we're both on the same page. Why waste anybodies time and get them out without letting them know beforehand exactly what the situation was?
Who says it's a waste? You're assuming things if you think it's automatically going to be a waste.

Perhaps they date multiple people. That's more probable than not in my area if you're on a dating site. Perhaps they're poly. That's a little less likely but ups the overall probability. Then you've got the people who might run screaming if they SEE poly on the profile, but who can handle it once you talk about it in person. That's a huge amount of people.

By no means, in my opinion (I'm not stating my opinion in absolutes, these are opinions, for goodness' sake) would it be dishonest, based on the way people I know date.

Why would anyone expect to show up on a first date and be able to compel you to be monogamous from the start? That's something that has to be discussed. I find it rather funny that on a poly forum like this, giving into the idea that monogamy should be expected and the default is being purported as the norm.

I don't see this as dishonest if the person reading the profile is operating off their own assumptions. AND you're not refusing to answer questions when you meet.

I will say that the stigma of polyamorism is enough to separate two people who might have otherwise met. Everyone has to judge for themselves whether it's a waste of time because of failed dates not to put it on their profile.
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  #26  
Old 03-27-2014, 09:43 PM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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If I'm a transsexual I would disclose it before the date. Sure I could get there and find out the other person doesn't mind but why not be up front about it?
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  #27  
Old 03-27-2014, 10:03 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Anyone can do whatever they think is more likely to yield the results they want. Dag is saying that it's necessary because otherwise would be a "douche bag move" and "disgusting."

Why not be upfront? Because you think explaining what poly means to you in person is better than someone reacting to what they think it means, especially if they don't have experience with it. Because you can rightly assume the probability that they also are dating more than one person. My partner has personally encountered all of the above on multiple occasions. Not one person has been offended or thought they'd wasted their time. Albeit that's a relatively small sample size when compared to society in general, but a real experience is more grounded than an abstract guess any day.

The analogy of transsexalism to polyamorism, I personally believe, is flawed. One has to do with physical and mental gender issues, the other has to do with a relationship style they may in fact be emulating by dating multiple people themselves.

Again, I'm not trying to say anyone should act in any way they don't want to. You feel it's hiding something, don't do it.
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  #28  
Old 03-27-2014, 11:57 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I have to agree with those that say it is something that needs to be disclosed before the first date.

The amount of time that I have to get out and go on dates (particularly first dates) is really limited. I do NOT want to go on a first date THEN find out that the person I am on a date with is actually not a prospect for a relationship. It would be a waste of what I consider valuable time. If I am not interested in an open relationship, then a first date with someone IN an open relationship = a waste. If I am ONLY interested in an open relationship, a first date with a monogamous only person = a waste. Sure, it could be fun, but ultimately there's no point unless we're both interested in being friends. And let's face it, if you're meeting someone online with the intention to date, feeling like important information about that was hidden isn't going to be conducive to a friendship either.
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  #29  
Old 03-28-2014, 06:35 AM
london london is offline
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I do indeed think relationships can be kept totally seperate but managing your relationships that way and people being completely opposed to ever sharing space with a metamour brings about limitations and almost forces you into a hierarchical situation.

It's been discussed on here before and many people have a sound ethical argument for not always disclosing right away. I do, but there is some onus on the other person. If you are totally opposed to even consensually interacting with someone partnered, you should ask their relationship status.
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  #30  
Old 03-28-2014, 01:18 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
I do indeed think relationships can be kept totally seperate but managing your relationships that way and people being completely opposed to ever sharing space with a metamour brings about limitations and almost forces you into a hierarchical situation.

It's been discussed on here before and many people have a sound ethical argument for not always disclosing right away. I do, but there is some onus on the other person. If you are totally opposed to even consensually interacting with someone partnered, you should ask their relationship status.
Exactly.
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