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Old 03-26-2014, 06:56 PM
polybynature polybynature is offline
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 78

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I don't think it's doing her any favours to pretend that nothing's missing in your relationship. You don't sound very convincing when you say you're okay with this level of intimacy. You said yourself you'd like more.

In essence, you began a romantic relationship 10 years ago, and now you have a friendship. Friendships are great, but they don't satisfy the need for romantic connection. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you need romance. That's not a failing in your partner, but that's not something you can "make" her see.

It's impossible for one person to build self-esteem in another person. It has to come from within. That's why it's called self-esteem. The exception might be the caregivers of young children, but she's not a young child and you're not her caregiver so that window's closed. There's no amount of compliments, reassurances, and lies you can tell her that will build her self-esteem. Mag's right, it's a therapy issue.
Totally agree. I think OP needs to be more honest with himself about what IS missing and what hes looking for. its not a bad thing. My boyfriends wife has pulled away...dramatically...and he will tell you hes ok they are friends, hes ok with no intimacy...but does he want it back? does he turn to me for lots of love and affection? You betcha.
I would hate to think, as OP is saying, that he'd give it up on getting his needs met and loose what we have to make someone whos become a roommate more comfortable. That's coming from the other side of it OP, though ive been with my boyfriend for a over a year
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Old 03-28-2014, 02:06 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,332

I'm sorry you struggle.

I believe feelings ensue after behavior (thinking type or action type behaviors.)

I could do it wrong, but let me try to put those snippets in chronological order. Perhaps organized that way makes it easier for you to see what behavior happened first, and what feeling bubbled up in whom next?
  • You and N talk before the visit.
  • N gives her blessing for C to come and stay in your shared home.
  • C arrives.
  • You all agree you will sleep with C during the visit. (How long is this visit? And how long ago?)
  • N & C agree not to be affectionate with you in front of the other one.
  • (What about YOU? Did you also agree not to be affectionate with one in front of the other? )
  • C leaves feeling happy and looking forward to next trip and getting to know N.
  • N is left feeling lonely (missing you in the bed? Opportunities normally taken for granted for affection share?)
  • N is left feeling disconnected. (What have you guys done to reconnect as a COUPLE (just you two) other than talk about the polyship (3 people thing? Because talking about the 3 people emerging thing is NOT talking about just YOU TWO. )
  • N is thinking C has something she doesn't have and feels yucky as a result.
  • She articulates feeling yucky and seeks comfort from you. (does she also plan to change her thinking?)
  • You tell her C doesn't have things she doesn't have. (Which is an untruth. C has C things. N is not C. N will not ever be C or have C things. N is not comforted.)
  • Did you reassure N that you love the things N herself brings to your life that only N can bring? Remind N that N has things C will never have because C is not N?
  • N's total experience was a toss up. She's feeling a toss up too -- whether to press on with it and try to see if it works out or giving up now. (She's basing the whole thing on one experience? Were her expectations going in realistic?)
  • You are left worrying that N will decide she doesn't want to participate any more. You want to know what else you might be able to do to help smooth things out polyship wise.
  • You want to help N feel more secure. (Was N giving her blessing honestly or not so much? If not so much, you could encourage N to become more secure by only saying what she means. You could ask her what she needs to feel more secure? You could ask her if she's doing thinking behavior that feeds her "insecure" side? )
  • You want to help N feel less lonely. (You could spend time with her. You could encourage her to spend more time with other friends and family if N has been kinda hermit lately. You could ask N what she needs to feel less lonely. )

I think you guys might want to read poly hell together for pitfalls to be on the lookout for.

Some jealousy management might help also.

Wagner -- esp page 5 and 6

Even though she gave her blessing and agreed to you sleeping with C during the visit? I think you may have all discovered it was ok for C and you, but a bit too "up close" for N at this stage of the game.

Everyone sleeping alone may have been better. Or C not staying in your home but in a hotel. Because C staying there left N with no space to be (free of C) or (free of you with C) and feeling left out. Or (free from having to be "on" as a co-host.) And that gets stressy. You guys also left you guys no space for (you + N) and (you + C) and (C + N) alone. The third was always around somewhere nearby. Next time C visits, knowing this, maybe N plans some time to go off elsewhere with other friends. Or you do. Or C does.

Everyone needs a certain about of space to feel good. This sounds like it was tighter than you though it would be and are still riding it out emotionally. Could call it a learning experience. There's going to be these bumps and you figure out "the new normal." It's going to feel weird til it becomes "old normal."

Now that she's articulated she wants to feel connected to you -- have you asked her HOW she would like this? A dinner date? Something else?

You both may find she would enjoy some "beforecare" and "aftercare" when C visits. Just that you guys didn't know this preference til you stumbled upon it. Now that you know this is a possibility -- how would you and her define "before care" so she's topped up connectivity wise and in "after care" so you reconnect?

You seem to want a closer thing with N -- maybe you could tell her that. That you too want to feel close and connected and wish for the romance part of the relationship back with N.

Could sort yourselves out.

It also wouldn't hurt to THANK her for trying and being willing -- opening the home up for a C visit with N's blessing was very generous of N. Let her know you appreciate her.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-28-2014 at 01:17 PM.
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