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  #41  
Old 03-26-2014, 11:20 AM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am sorry that happened to you. Your request to be in the loop was realistic. Especially when it is something that could affect you. You have the right to be upset and hurt. I hope you heal from this and do not let it sour poly for you. Hugs.
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  #42  
Old 03-26-2014, 01:46 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
And I just learned that he had slept with her two weeks ago already. So I went through all this shit for him and it was just a lie.
Quote:
Salamander told me himself. And he has a history of cheating. I made it clear in the beginning, that it would be a major deal breaker. He's devastated, but he dug his hole all on his own. Too bad he dragged me into it.
Ack! This is terrible.

I am sorry he lied/cheated on your agreements like this. I hope you are able to digest and heal from this in good time.

This is def not the way to try to start a polyship -- by lying to your partner like this.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
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  #43  
Old 03-26-2014, 08:18 PM
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Yeah, I agree with you and the others; take some time to go through the grieving process and eventually make it to a place of healing. I'm sure you will know it (in your heart and mind) if and when the right time for you should come to re-examine polyamory. Not that you can't still learn about it if you want in the meantime of course.

I hope you'll find that Polyamory.com is something of a refuge for you during this difficult time.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #44  
Old 03-27-2014, 08:53 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Just an update, since I called Salamander this morning and explained just what this breakup means to him. I asked if he'd had sex with others (two women I know he has spend the night with so that I know). He slept with one of them, but failed to tell me when I asked how the weekend went. And I'm angry at him for this too, since I had said that I need to know how things progress. I actually was totally ok with them having sex (I did a mental exercise to see how I feel about it), but the lack of communication was wrong. And as I got angry he started his stable exuce of "I didnt't know it was so important to you, but now I know, I won't do it again, I'm sory, now I understand. You are important to me." I've heard it so many times during these past three months and even before I know it by heart, so when he started I just filled in the rest.

His is a mind I really don't understand as lying is such a foreign consept to me. I have a hard time even leaving information out or letting others stay misinformed. But to lie in such direct ways, I can't imagine how one can do it.

Edit.
I was too self-absorbed…
Thank you for your words again. I will take time to heal, and I'm already healing. The funny thing here is that I struggled with polyamory partly because I feel so lonely and out of touch with people. I have a hard time making friends and keeping them and feeling friendship. Salamander wanted to help me with this so much. And now these past days so many people have offered their support and I've felt less lonely than in ages. Talk about lifes paradoxes.

Last edited by copperhead; 03-27-2014 at 08:56 AM.
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  #45  
Old 03-27-2014, 03:52 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am glad you are healing from all this.

If you can fill in his "standard but meaningless" apology, that's not cool. It means he's not been a person of his Word in the past. No follow through.

I know you cared for him and this isn't easy but I'm glad you care about YOU and are walking away from a bad situation/not trustworthy-in-the-end person. That is self-respecting behavior. So good for you!

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-27-2014 at 08:15 PM.
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  #46  
Old 03-27-2014, 04:04 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from Salamander):
Quote:
"I didn't know it was so important to you, but now I know, I won't do it again, I'm sorry, now I understand. You are important to me."
Either he is a really poor listener, or a really smooth liar. Good at damage control, familiar with what has worked to convince you to give him another chance in the past.

You did tell him it was "so" important to you, you warned him it would be a major dealbreaker. So either he did not hear, or he is pretending not to have heard. You'll have to take what you know of him and decide which is the more likely case.

Some people can forgive (x) amount of dishonesty. Can you forgive this much? Some can forgive (x) amount of carelessness. Can you forgive this much? He has been dishonest, or careless, or both.

By the way, if you ever get curious and peruse my big list of meds, you may be discouraged by it but don't. One reason I provided the whole list is because every person's mind and chemistry is unique. So a med that works for one person won't work for another. Zyprexa may not be your answer; you may find that something else on my list is the more helpful to you. Or even that you need a med that's not (yet) on my list. But perhaps the list is something you can start with when seeing a pdoc, and my list of diagnoses is something you can start with when seeing a therapist. Things for them to look at. You might bring the lists to your appointments and ask the doctors what they think.

As for people who lie through their teeth, I have met at least a handful or three in my day and, like you, it just boggles my mind how they could do that. Maybe it's a habit that develops by degrees. They start out with "little white lies," get comfortable with that (and with its short-term rewards), then slide down the slipperey slope to bigger and bigger lies until finally they are lying so much that they don't even remember what the truth is anymore, and they're not even conscious of when they're lying anymore. A really good liar can even convince themselves, right?

You'll have the pain of this breakup to struggle through anew if someday you should ever meet a new poly partner. Trust issues are hard to overcome. But don't give up on polyamory altogether. There are success stories, where the people involved are honest, honorable, considerate, and constructively communicative. Those virtues are what make it possible for poly to work.

Glad you are feeling a bit less isolated during this difficult time.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
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