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Old 03-25-2014, 08:35 PM
thinkpeople0000 thinkpeople0000 is offline
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 10
Default Poly Break-up - Kubler-Ross style:/

Hi everyone!

New to poly (10 months) and new to forum...

I think I'm just here to share and connect about my experience. I am a somewhat straight woman and have been married for 11 years and have young children...I met a man who became my friend through an activist group I was involved in. We became good friends and eventually he shared with me that he was poly with his wife. To make a long story short, he basically seduced me (I was married and NOT poly) and I am somewhat weak-willed when it comes to matters of the flesh and a sexy convincing man.

To complicate matters, I moved with my family across the country about a month later and missed him terribly. We talked on the phone all the time and texted and became very close. Eventually, my husband discovered my affair (please don't judge me just wait). I was very honest with my husband and agreed to cut off the relationship and go to therapy...solo and together. We did and I still felt as though I needed this other man in my life. I was in love with him and we had become amazing friends. I worked very hard with my husband and was very honest about my need to be poly. I didn't want to leave my husband and children. Eventually my husband agreed. We worked on all of this in and out of our therapist's office.

My feelings for this other man (I will call him my boyfriend at this point) became stronger and stronger, but the long distance was very hard. His wife was not comfortable with the emotional connection he had with me (she was not able to connect with him emotionally - physically and practically yes). There was constant drama and it was exhausting at times. Eventually I didn't know what to do with all of this love. I couldn't have him physically. We had 2 spouses that weren't happy with our connection...the odds were completely against us. My husband had wanted to start dating other couples...so we started doing this. My boyfriend was having a hard time with this and would one minute say he was completely fine with it and then the next say he couldn't stand it and we had to break up. Of course we couldn't stay away from each other for too long (via phone or text). We were like magnets. Eventually though, I think it all became too much for him. He had the excuse of our relationship being too difficult for my husband as a reason to break up with me (although he had never had a problem with pushing my husband to the edge in the past). He ended with a slew of cold texts about how our relationship was wrong and it could not continue. I convinced him to call me and he continued his cold monologue over the phone while I cried. Telling him that it probably did need to end, but that I loved him and would miss his friendship the most. I thanked him for opening my eyes and helping me grow in several ways. I wished him luck. It was very emotional and painful for me and he never shed a tear and there was no kindness or empathy, only coldness. uggh!! It was horrible. He reached out via FB mssg about a week later and said he felt bad for shutting me down so clearly and that he owed me some words. I didn't respond. He called me and texted me in the middle of the night a few days after that. I responded the next day "yes?". He wanted to call me. I agreed to talk to him. He never apologized for his coldness and even denied it. He asked how I was. I told him the space and time had been good for me. I was doing well. He said he missed me. I told him I wasn't sure how to respond to that. He said he understood. I asked him not to contact me for a month or so, so that I could continue to separate from him and heal. He seemed surprised, but agreed and said he would leave it up to me to contact him.

This has honestly been one of the most painful break ups ever. I am so up and down. Angry at him one moment. Loving him and feeling compassion for the hurt little boy deep inside him (that's another story). I love him terribly and miss our friendship. But the way he broke up with me was so painful. I'm so hurt. I'm taking this time to heal and try to take the emotion out of the relationship to see it and him for what it is. My husband is finally showing some empathy for all the stages of grief that I'm going through. What a good man he is.

Thanks for listening everyone. I love to feel connected to people, so if you feel like responding or sharing about yourself or your experiences...please do xo
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