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  #21  
Old 03-25-2014, 12:47 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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More thoughts: If your h has trouble doing aftercare, and yet, he has a D/s relationship with your shared gf, C, am I to understand it's been YOUR role to do aftercare for her after she scenes with your shared male partner? Is that the dealio? You're his cleanup woman? And now he wants your service to care for this new chica as well?

Time to really regroup and think about all this. Do you enjoy doing aftercare for C because she is your friend/lover? Or are you coming to resent that as well? Do you see how this is letting your shared male lover off the hook for developing his aftercare skills for when he wants a new partner?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #22  
Old 03-25-2014, 01:05 PM
Kernow Kernow is offline
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I take your points Magdlyn thank you, it shows me that I have explained very badly. I will not go into too much detail but, he does recognise that he is bad at the 'emotional' aftercare sort of stuff and that is part of the reason that he waned me there in the first place. He is actually very good about being well equipped in other ways - chocolate, drinks, blanket etc, it is the need to interpret and respond to unpredictable emotions that he knows he is not good at. I understand why he wants me there (rather than someone else) I just feel that it is 'not my thing' on this occasion so he is going to have to deal with it one way or another. When I spoke of clingy I didn't mean it in connection with aftercare, I meant that I think she wants more emotional involvement (over time) than he is willing or able to give. That is part of the reason why I have cautioned him against getting involved with her. There are other 'safer' people that he sometimes plays with who would be willing to play again, it is not that I object to the play dates I'm just concerned about his choice of partner this time.
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  #23  
Old 03-25-2014, 01:17 PM
Kernow Kernow is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
More thoughts: If your h has trouble doing aftercare, and yet, he has a D/s relationship with your shared gf, C, am I to understand it's been YOUR role to do aftercare for her after she scenes with your shared male partner? Is that the dealio? You're his cleanup woman? And now he wants your service to care for this new chica as well?

Time to really regroup and think about all this. Do you enjoy doing aftercare for C because she is your friend/lover? Or are you coming to resent that as well? Do you see how this is letting your shared male lover off the hook for developing his aftercare skills for when he wants a new partner?
No to almost all of those questions. I rarely do any aftercare for C, she occasionally does for me, but mostly he does for both of us (together or individually). He 'understands' our reactions now and he accepts that we react differently from each other and differently in the sense that the reaction is not the same every time. I think I have been the 'interpreter' to some extent in the past, but C is much better at communicating in a way that he understands now. The only yes would be that I really do enjoy doing aftercare for C but that is different, I'm not going to do it for anyone else.
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  #24  
Old 03-25-2014, 01:28 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm glad talking it out has helped you some. You seem like you have a plan and your boundaries set -- you are prepared to let him deal with his stuff.

Quote:
It makes me feel that I'm being harsh towards him by not agreeing to his request
What's your plan for your OWN emotional management? It's not "harsh" to say "no" to people -- sometimes it is necessary.

Quote:
I should have probably made it clearer in previous posts that he is very intelligent and very capable, he doesn't need 'care', he just needs help with issues around emotional intelligence/understanding people's feelings and motives.
We all need care. From ourselves, from others -- in varying degrees. Your Asperger spouse needing help with this? That's some level of care to me. And I see you trying to find a balance for providing help without getting sucked into things that you think are "meh" and learning to say "No, thanks" and being ok with it.

Him taking up with this woman in this context is "meh" to you -- she's clingy/needy, he's not prepared to dom well, etc. You rather stay home than attend this potential scene -- so stay home.

Let it be what it will be.

GL!
Galagirl
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  #25  
Old 03-25-2014, 01:35 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Let it be what it will be.
Really, GG? I don't know about just telling him to go off and have fun, knowing he might harm this new person he's taking on... he obviously "can't take responsibility" for her emotions, so is asking Kernow to do it for him! I am not into vetoes, but if I thought my partner was knowingly going into a situation where there was a good chance he'd fuck up, I'd have a hard time just kissing him goodbye and going about my day.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #26  
Old 03-25-2014, 01:48 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I apologize. I could have been more clear.

I agree with telling him what she plans to tell him in regards to being safe in planning a scene. NOBODY wants to be involved in a scene gone wrong. I've stated that above. Staying silent when something could hurt someone isn't my style.

I meant in her OWN emotional management -- where she feels it is "too harsh" to tell him "No, I'm not willing to attend."

I think she could let that feeling be what it will be -- let it be "it feels too harsh to say no" but tell him she doesn't want to attend anyway.

Say "no" because that is where her actual willingness lies. Not say "yes" just because "he asked me nicely for once."

The OP seems to struggle with saying "no" so the first few times she does it? It will likely feel UGH. Could let it. As she gets more practice with it over time, it will hopefully feel less yucky and easier to do. "No" doesn't have to be "mean." It can be said firmly but kindly. And sometimes it is necessary.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-25-2014 at 02:07 PM.
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  #27  
Old 03-25-2014, 02:36 PM
Kernow Kernow is offline
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GalaGirl and Magdlyn, you have both helped me a lot, thank you. It has made such a difference to be able to work through this.

I don't have a problem with saying no in general, but I do when I could prevent a potential problem. I think I am part of his problem as well as part of his solution because I would be so seriously angry with him if he messed up on something like this (as far as it involves another human being with needs, feelings and the potential to be hurt). I have given him a bit of a roasting once or twice (in the past) for being insensitive to Cs feelings, but I do try my best to keep out of things between them.

I think GalaGirl is right that I feel a bit 'meh' about it. If I could say that I would find it deeply upsetting to watch/be present it would be easier to say no. I wouldn't find it upsetting to be there, it is just something I don't want to be part of (in much the same way that I don't want to watch him cutting his toe nails). It just took me a while to give myself permission to say no for no other reason than I wanted to say no. If he goes ahead with this he has to be responsible enough to deal with all aspects of it responsibly. Magdlyn's words have given me 'permission' to be even more direct than I may have otherwise felt able to. Thank you both for you help and advice.
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  #28  
Old 03-25-2014, 04:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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You're welcome Kernow. In case you didn't notice my posts elsewhere, I have an Aspie bf and father, my daughter has Borderline Personality Disorder, my gf is in treatment for anxiety issues, my bf's wife and 2 adult sons are also Aspie, as are 2 nephews of mine.

sigh...

Here's a good article on aftercare, in case he hasn't seen this one.

http://brairthornblog.wordpress.com/...ifferent-blog/
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #29  
Old 03-25-2014, 04:52 PM
Kernow Kernow is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
You're welcome Kernow. In case you didn't notice my posts elsewhere, I have an Aspie bf and father, my daughter has Borderline Personality Disorder, my gf is in treatment for anxiety issues, my bf's wife and 2 adult sons are also Aspie, as are 2 nephews of mine.

sigh...

Here's a good article on aftercare, in case he hasn't seen this one.

http://brairthornblog.wordpress.com/...ifferent-blog/
Thanks for the link, I will have a look at it, it never hurts to revisit information that you think you know.

I have a 20 year old Aspie son (by my first husband). Son and husband are very different people and they deal with Aspergers differently. I guess the one thing that both are very clear about is that they like to ask for help and accept it on their terms rather than have it 'done to them' if you know what I mean. I think part of this whole dilemma has been about sorting out in my head that this is one of those situations where I can't just 'sit on my hands' but I don't have to take responsibility for the whole thing either.
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  #30  
Old 03-25-2014, 07:34 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Hang in there with it -- keep trying to find the balanced place of "self full."

GL!

Galagirl
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