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  #21  
Old 03-23-2014, 10:11 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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Have you told these guys your plan? Are they on board?

Arlo says he doesn't want anyone else I date in our home, ever. Since he's the primary breadwinner, I'm not sure I hawouldn' negotiation space on that one. On the one hand, I never have people over anyway (small place and I hate housework) but I'd hate the idea that I'd have to sneak someone in if I just wanted to them to see where I live. I mean, you learn a lot about someone by being in their home.
Yes they know my plans. They both know it makes sense esp if sam and I stat a family and nate and I have young kids at home. It would be much easier to all live under one roof at that point. Sam comes here when nate has dates or spends the night elsewhere
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  #22  
Old 03-23-2014, 10:14 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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Im the breadwinner of my home but that doesn't mean I have extra control over things. The money I make belongs to my family and nate and I make decisions together that are fair to both of us. I would never tell him he could not have partners over because I made more
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  #23  
Old 03-23-2014, 10:14 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Not sure how many people out there are itching to become someone's very discreet secondary, but that's what I'm working with.
You might find yourself surprised. Lots of people view their work or kids as their "primary relationship" and don't have time or energy left over to add another "major commitment." My relationship with Auto often takes a backseat to the rest of our lives. It's always been that way for us so we just accept and expect it.
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  #24  
Old 03-24-2014, 05:31 PM
primalcupcakes primalcupcakes is offline
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My Old Man and my boyfriend haven't met yet, but we are inching closer to it. The Old Man would prefer to keep everything separate and compartmentalized and never meet my boyfriend, but I don't think that's possible or healthy for us.

Case in point: The Old Man dropped by my work unannounced yesterday to switch cars with me and my boyfriend had left a sexy, naughty note on my windshield, which the Old Man begrudgingly handed me when he came inside to get the keys. Eventually these two are going to have to meet and forge some kind of relationship. Especially because my ultimate fantasy is to get us all under the same roof (with patience and time and love and understanding, of course).
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  #25  
Old 03-24-2014, 06:00 PM
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Eventually these two are going to have to meet and forge some kind of relationship. Especially because my ultimate fantasy is to get us all under the same roof (with patience and time and love and understanding, of course).
Be careful with this... Chops would have loved a "big family" type of poly relationship. I believe Xena liked the idea of a communal-type of living arrangement as well (sort of an artist's commune). The idea of sharing a home with people who aren't MY family of choice, however, just turns me right off.

Our reality didn't match up to Chops and Xena's (or MY) fantasies, and now we've ALL compromised on what we wanted in order to have something instead that works: two separate homes.

Having some kind of respectful relationship is a good goal, but remember to take baby steps, and if someone doesn't want more of a friendship, you can't push it past that point. Good luck.
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Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

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  #26  
Old 03-24-2014, 06:15 PM
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Originally Posted by primalcupcakes View Post

Case in point: The Old Man dropped by my work unannounced yesterday to switch cars with me and my boyfriend had left a sexy, naughty note on my windshield, which the Old Man begrudgingly handed me when he came inside to get the keys. Eventually these two are going to have to meet and forge some kind of relationship. Especially because my ultimate fantasy is to get us all under the same roof (with patience and time and love and understanding, of course).
Wow... This is disrespectful of Old Man's wants and needs in his relationship.

Would I like to have Butch and Murf under one roof. Hell yes BUT it is not what they would want especially Murf. Good relationships come with compromise and respect for our partners.
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  #27  
Old 03-24-2014, 06:29 PM
primalcupcakes primalcupcakes is offline
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Wow... This is disrespectful of Old Man's wants and needs in his relationship.

Would I like to have Butch and Murf under one roof. Hell yes BUT it is not what they would want especially Murf. Good relationships come with compromise and respect for our partners.
I don't think that's a fair assessment. You read more into my post than what is written. The Old Man and I have had many, many conversations about our relationship wants and needs. He knows what I would like and I know what he would like. We are both respectful of each other's wants and needs, committed to one another, and working from comfortable middle ground.
The "all one happy family" scenario is something the Old Man himself has told me could theoretically happen given time, compassion, and generosity.
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  #28  
Old 03-24-2014, 06:48 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I don't think that's a fair assessment. You read more into my post than what is written. The Old Man and I have had many, many conversations about our relationship wants and needs. He knows what I would like and I know what he would like. We are both respectful of each other's wants and needs, committed to one another, and working from comfortable middle ground.
The "all one happy family" scenario is something the Old Man himself has told me could theoretically happen given time, compassion, and generosity.
Based upon your comment here....

Quote:
Originally Posted by primalcupcakes View Post
My Old Man and my boyfriend haven't met yet, but we are inching closer to it. The Old Man would prefer to keep everything separate and compartmentalized and never meet my boyfriend, but I don't think that's possible or healthy for us.
Yes it is a fair assessment.

Old man has expressed that he wants nothing to do with your boyfriend. Why not respect those feelings. He isn't telling you that you can not see your boyfriend just that he wants no interaction with him.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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  #29  
Old 03-24-2014, 06:55 PM
primalcupcakes primalcupcakes is offline
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Based upon your comment here....



Yes it is a fair assessment.

Old man has expressed that he wants nothing to do with your boyfriend. Why not respect those feelings. He isn't telling you that you can not see your boyfriend just that he wants no interaction with him.
Okay. You're right. I've only been dating my new bf for a couple months, and although in my mind I think, "If T meets him I bet he'll feel better and more secure and will probably actually like him," I need to let T take the lead on that. Which I have done so far and should continue to do. I hear you.
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  #30  
Old 03-24-2014, 07:21 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Old man has expressed that he wants nothing to do with your boyfriend. Why not respect those feelings. He isn't telling you that you can not see your boyfriend just that he wants no interaction with him.
This is exactly what I'm up against too, @primalcupcakes. I do not fantasize that my husband will ever evolve into a guy who would accept another lover into our home or daily life. I'd be happy if I knew he'd tolerate at least a friendly acquaintance-ship with anyone who was truly important to me. Maybe someday he'll get to that point. For now, I'm just so grateful that he's come as far as he has, as quickly as he has, out of his love for me, and I try to honor to his request for zero interaction/affect with my love interests as much as possible. But I worry if I were to get serious with someone, keeping hubby completely away from it of would prove difficult.
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