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  #11  
Old 04-12-2010, 03:29 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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There are rules in my relationship. I am working with BE to break those down a bit. I would hate to blame what happened on those rules, but I sometimes think if they weren't there the three relationships involved may have been left to evolve to be stronger than just friendship.

Rules are simple
1 - BE is welcome to do what she wants as long as I know (this is an interesting one, because I made it, but she has no interest yet)
2 - I can be with other women (sexually) - BE must be involved
3 - Now..this is one I am putting in here for clarity. I pretty much date and go out with women when I please. Neither of us consider dating "cheating". So I date and meet with women freely. It is only the sex that is limited.

Hope that made sense. A lot of people see dating as something difficult and personal. Maybe its the way we were both brought up but dating and spending time with the opposite sex is very natural for both of us.

Don't get me wrong, number 2 is not completely limiting. Both of us have had a lot of fun, but this past relationship made me see the giant road block this creates. If BE or I had been allowed/willing to continue the sexual/intimiate relationship outside of the requirement of a threesome things may have been different. Who knows, hindsight is 20/20. But why have the road block there in the first place.

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But after awhile aren't the rules annoyingly restrictive? Making individual relationships seem less than authentic? Like you two can't really be yourselves without upsetting their significant other?
I think this is an easy one to work with, yet difficult in practice. Allow yourself to renegotiate. Life happens, let yourself learn and change the rules. And DON'T fall back to old rules in an argument. Once everyone agrees, those are the new rules. Continue renegotiating if needed.
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  #12  
Old 04-12-2010, 07:35 PM
saudade saudade is offline
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Default Rights and Responsibilities, perhaps?

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When my quad started out, we had rules. I'm sure every new Polyamorous relationship does. Or maybe not.

But after awhile aren't the rules annoyingly restrictive? Making individual relationships seem less than authentic? Like you two can't really be yourselves without upsetting their significant other?
I like Mono's idea of thinking of some rules as criteria instead-- it's neat, Mon, hadn't occurred to me... What I use when I'm thinking about poly stuff is actually a pair of concepts: rights and responsibilities. For example, I have the right to be reasonably confident that I will not get an STD from my playmates or partners, which means that they have the responsibility to practice safer sex-- and because they have the same right, I also have that responsibility. (Rights and responsibilities tend to be opposite sides of the same coin, in my experience.)

It is true that many new to poly want firm, potentially restrictive rules as they dip their toes in. It's also true that members of long-standing relationships (mono or poly) often have very firm rights and responsibilities.

In my constellation of relationships, if a rule is bothering me, I try to think about what right is being protected (and whose it is), and how that fits in with the responsibilities that seem problematic to me. That framework tends to put me in a more mature place for talking about the situation.

@Marco: If you feel like you can't be yourself, it's definitely re-evaluation time. I'd say you have the right to be yourself, and everyone involved with you (yourself included) has the responsibility to make that feasible. If I were in your shoes, I'd talk with everyone in the quad about how they're feeling when pet names are said-- Maybe it's just one specific one that's setting of hackles, or that everyone goes by the same name. I know I'm in a really permissive relationship with one of my primaries, and I still feel edgy and defensive every time he uses my pet name to address ANYONE else, even the cats!

In any case, good luck! Thanks for sharing.
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  #13  
Old 04-12-2010, 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by saudade View Post

In my constellation of relationships, if a rule is bothering me, I try to think about what right is being protected (and whose it is), and how that fits in with the responsibilities that seem problematic to me. That framework tends to put me in a more mature place for talking about the situation.

.
Nice approach my friend
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  #14  
Old 04-12-2010, 07:55 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by saudade View Post
It is true that many new to poly want firm, potentially restrictive rules as they dip their toes in. It's also true that members of long-standing relationships (mono or poly) often have very firm rights and responsibilities.
And of course this can bring up the secondary part to a ruleset. Everyone moves at different speeds. I like being wet and jump in after getting my toe wet. My wife is more inclined to move slowly. While its not a hard and fast rule, we both have to meet in the middle and get wet at more or less the same pace until certain comforts are met.

At least I am finding that right now...
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  #15  
Old 04-13-2010, 12:17 AM
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(Rights and responsibilities tend to be opposite sides of the same coin, in my experience.)
I would definitely agree with you on this one. Just never thought of it in exactly that way. Thank you!

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Originally Posted by saudade View Post
In my constellation of relationships, if a rule is bothering me, I try to think about what right is being protected (and whose it is), and how that fits in with the responsibilities that seem problematic to me. That framework tends to put me in a more mature place for talking about the situation.
Awesome.

Marco, I agree with the others. Renegotiation seems to be the order. And I also understand how one pet name only can cause these reactions. Gator has always called me princess and I've yet to hear him call Kitten that. I just do not think he will due to the reason he calls me that (and it isn't often that he does). The same for me calling him handsome. That's used as a noun in that instance.

Last edited by ourquad; 04-13-2010 at 12:20 AM. Reason: New idea.
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  #16  
Old 04-13-2010, 09:13 PM
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And of course this can bring up the secondary part to a ruleset. Everyone moves at different speeds.
That's probably the reason for most of the problems we've had to deal with.....moving too fast. But it's kind of hard to gauge who's having the most difficulty at the moment if they don't speak up. Another problem...communication.

Lol, headache after headache...seems never-ending sometimes. Like things have to boil over before we realize we have a mess on our hands. "What now? Damn." No cakewalk here, that's for sure.

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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
And DON'T fall back to old rules in an argument.
Tell me about it. I'm about to start assigning expiration dates on rules.
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Last edited by Marco; 04-13-2010 at 09:17 PM.
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  #17  
Old 04-13-2010, 09:17 PM
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I would be very concerned if your rules were so restrictive that you find yourself tapping your foot waiting for them to change or disapear. I hope everything works out for you all.
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  #18  
Old 04-13-2010, 09:25 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by Marco View Post
That's probably the reason for most of the problems we've had to deal with.....moving too fast. But it's kind of hard to gauge who's having the most difficulty at the moment if they don't speak up. Another problem...communication.
Communication and compromise. ...don't expect the fastest to go at a turtles pace, but communicate and hopefully you can meet somewhere in the middle

Did you take a sentence out, about being cocky arrogant about success?..or was I daydreaming. Nothing wrong with being confident that it will work. I think thats a benefit (cocky maybe not)
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  #19  
Old 04-13-2010, 09:32 PM
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Did you take a sentence out, about being cocky arrogant about success?..or was I daydreaming.
No, your eyes weren't deceiving you. I edited out.

See, even when faced with troubling & stressful situations, I'm a trash-talker. But I wasn't too sure how well that would go over on this forum, as I'm still a newbie here.
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  #20  
Old 04-13-2010, 09:34 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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No, your eyes weren't deceiving you. I edited out.

See, even when faced with troubling & stressful situations, I'm a trash-talker. But I wasn't too sure how well that would go over on this forum, as I'm still a newbie here.
Some may not like it. However, I am usually fairly confident...cocky invokes a vision of something entirely different though. Be happy and confident...

Not everyone likes everything...
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