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  #11  
Old 03-19-2014, 04:23 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Thank you so much. I actually don't mind, but that's really good to know and I appreciate the help!
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  #12  
Old 03-19-2014, 04:57 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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I didn't realize there was a time limit on the editing, so I'll just fill in here what I was going to put in the threads above.

Here's something I posted on Fet when I knew my marriage was probably over and needed to get back into the lifestyle. Copied and pasted for the blog and anyone else's prurient pleasure.

********************************
Stuck in the Velvet Prison.

by LegallyBinding over 1 year ago (my FetLife handle. Feel free to message me there.)

I've been married to my wife for over 12 years and I have no clue what to do next.

It's hard to believe that I'll find another woman who will be a better friend and supporter than my wife is. Add in the fact that I've now taken her child-bearing years from her. We have so many amazing memories from our 12 years.

But we couldn't be more sexually incompatible if we tried. The problem has persisted for at least the last 5 years at least. And I've tried everything. I've tried being more conventionally romantic. I've tried making more money (to ease financial concerns, not that we're bad off), I've tried doing more around the house (by a lot).

We've had what I thought were fun, revealing, informative discussions centered on her pleasure...and on mine...and on ours together (so there was no pressure). Nada. She's as asexual as they come...after having been experimental in the time before and immediately after marriage. A year ago, I found out that she's NEVER had an orgasm in her life. She's lied to me the entire marriage.

Complicating the matter is that she's gained a lot of weight over the years (not morbidly obese, but highly noticeable). I still find her attractive and have never wavered in my romantic adoration of her...however with my awakening into the lifestyle as a dom...I'm smitten with the way subs give bodies and minds so completely.

I'm aware that she's self-conscious of her looks, which is definitely inhibiting how sexy she feels about herself. I've tried working out with her. I've tried paying for personal trainers for both of us together. None of it has worked. And it has vastly decreased how sexually attracted I am to her.

It doesn't take a genius to realize that if sex were feeling good, she'd want it. And my technique/skills/approach is a major part, if not the primary cause, of the problem. This led me to recontact SEVERAL of my exes, to get "real" answers about whether I knew what I was doing or not. Again, I'm mindful that all women are different, but if more than one told me I knew what was doing, then I'd have some idea just how much of this was my responsibility. For me, sexual gratification of my partner isn't about my ego. It's about my duty.

That may sound clinical or even submissive, but I see it the other way around. I have a passion for helping partners explore parts of themselves they'd never known before. And here I was, with my wife of over a decade, failing to guide her. (I told the exes that I didn't care what the answer was, as long as they were honest...and from the two that are paragons of honesty, I was given glowing reviews. From two others I was given B+/A- marks, but told myself I'd rather rely - good or bad - on the ones I could trust 100%).

So here I am, having been fully communicative...having worked my ass off...with a wife that treats me so beautifully sometimes, but for whom sex is just something she doesn't occur to her.

I'm stuck in the velvet prison. I don't know if I'll ever get out.

Why not ask strangers on the internet what I should do
**************************************************

I should add to this that I tried a million different ways to educate my ex-wife about kink. I tried cute lingerie with light bondage and playful pictures of Dita Von Teese. I tried being forceful and dominant. I tried having us watch Showtime and HBO "Real Sex"/"Strange Sex" episodes. I was always shut down because it wasn't in her. Which was her choice.

In the end we had just as many financial issues as sexual ones. The wavering of my income was enough to make her lose respect for me, leading to emotional abuse that I simply couldn't live with. When I read that I wrote she "treated me beautifully sometimes" I realize I was being charitable to her. When you add the sex issues...we were doomed. Looking back, we both married the idea of someone that we each never got. She thought she was getting old money. I thought I was getting a sorority sex kitten. I never lied about my financial situation, but she certainly turned off the sex tap after the honeymoon.

To bring a swift conclusion to this part of my story, I ended up finding a kink partner who didn't mind that I was married and I cheated. I'm not proud of it. Nor would I ever take that route again. Whatever she did, cheating wasn't the answer.

Like an idiot, I left pictures of my sexual escapades on my computer (I thought it was password protected!!) and the wife found them. I came home to all the pics up on the monitor, her ring on my desk, and a note scribbled down that said "I hope she was worth 14 years of marriage!"

Knowing I'd been caught red-handed, I decided to ask her for a divorce. I'd been wanting one for at least 4 years...and this was my out. In hindsight, I could have timed things better for financial reasons, but I wasn't thinking of that. Suddenly the tables turned and she was ready to do anything to keep me. She told me she knew that she had put herself first and her career first and neglected me. At first she denied being unready for kink, but after we discussed it, she knew it wasn't for her and never would be. My father had recently died, leaving me his home, so I moved over there to begin my life alone. Little did I know what hell divorce was going to be. Little did I know how she had already begun to campaign to take my friends away from me and would keep it up for a long time to come.

The strain of the divorce plus a weird encounter would bring my relationship with my new kink partner to an end soon after. I had hoped that relationship would bridge me into the future, but it didn't as you'll read in a story I'll be posting soon.
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  #13  
Old 03-21-2014, 04:29 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Trying to put in an entry more often so here's today's entry:

Dating BDSM-hipsters right after divorce (Part 1)



I had taken a rather long break from BDSM and been married for 14 years as you may have read above. Dipping my toes in the water of the lifestyle, I joined the website FetLife. I began finding erotic pictures on the internet and writing captions to them as a way to live inside my fantasy world, as well as communicate what I was looking for in a partner to the community.

Rather amazingly, people began to enjoy my writings. Every day (and still to this day) I got compliments and many offers to meet, but none of them seemed like what I was looking for. One day I got a message from a cute, young girl who also wanted to compliment me on the pictures and words I'd posted.

After reading up on her profile and going through her kink list, I decided she more than met my standards for someone to begin speaking to. Over a period of weeks we began speaking, not so much about sexual matters, but just generally about ourselves and what made us tick.

We began with messages on the FetLife system, progressed to emails, and then the telephone calls. She was always the one who initiated the requests for phone numbers or emails. Of course we started sending pictures to each other and after she’d seen me merely in a towel, I flirted a bit and asked to see a pic of her in her skivvies. Looking back it could have been a little early, but if she had refused, I wouldn’t have pressed her.

I began to ask her a series of questions to uncover more about who she really was, letting her know it was the real her that I was interested in – the core of why she was in this lifestyle and what she wanted to get out of it. I wanted to see if we had similar goals in mind, which we certainly did.

We began to speak even more about our jobs and about how our minds were one of the main attractions we had for each other. Phone contact began at her request, which I enjoyed of course. Such a delightful voice, full of joy, intelligence, and spice. After a week or more of speaking on the phone at night, with only about 10% of it being sexual, she proposed I come to see her. It might have been a bit fast, but I credited her with poise and intelligence, as well as the ability to make the decisions of a consenting adult, so we started talking about what that would be like. I told her my intentions were simply “[A] wonderful date with no requirements or demands other than to have fun.” She asked what I was planning, so I went with the non-pressurized old standby of “A nice dinner and perhaps a movie like Superman or ice cream and a good bookstore.”

Before jumping into such a date, I probed more about her comfort level with certain types of play both in messages and over the phone during multiple discussions. We discussed safewords, hard limits, as well as toys and costume choices. Over several more days we kept learning more about each other, with fantasies and sexy talk being a major part, as would be expected. Long-term goals were discussed, as well as how we would theoretically court being in two different cities.

Eventually I determined a span of two days that I could come see her. I had planned on staying in a hotel, but she offered to have me stay with her. Looking back, I should have stayed in the hotel for several reasons. When I arrived Thursday afternoon, I made sure to arrive when she told me her roommates would all be present, and waited outside the house with a present of a very nice, leather-bound journal with silver gilt edges for her to begin writing about our experiences. Dressed for our dinner date, I was warmly received and there was instant chemistry. Not even a pause for a moment of awkwardness. She was the student, hipster type. Played guitar and ukelele. The southern, academic, kinky version of Zoey Deschanel. Beautiful, insightful, funny, kwirky.

I checked in with her roommates, checked to see if she and I were on the same page about events, and then collected her to show me to our restaurant. We had a lovely meal at a very expensive restaurant (on me of course), during which we continued to talk about our pasts, our futures, and she did a wonderful job of seeing through to the real me. I ordered what I thought she would enjoy (she did) and picked up the bill.

It was really only then that we made any contact, simply holding hands on the way back to the valet, as vanillas would do.

It was time for the movie, so I treated her to a black and white Dr. Strangelove at the historic Alabama Theater. She began to curl around me which I encouraged and there was a bit of superficial touching, though she did tell me during dinner that she was pantiless. Nevertheless I kept control of myself and we were a perfect little 1950’s couple at the theater.

The walk back to the car and the ride home were magical. It was the most relaxed first date I’d ever been on up until then. As if best friends were becoming something romantic for the first time. The complete opposite of that kind where you pour energy in all night and there’s nothing coming back. We read each other’s minds in wonderful ways and inspired the best in each other. We listened to each other. Not just staying quiet and waiting to talk, but were really both invested in learning more by listening.

When we got home, I offered again to go to a hotel, but we discussed it and made a joint decision against it. Discussions about sleeping arrangements became discussions about play limits and fetishes. One thing led to another and we began to play.

I shouldn’t divulge the nature of this encounter other than to say it was so successful (according to her physical responses and own words afterwards) that it lasted until 3 in the morning and encompassed many different styles of play: orgasm control and denial, rope play, spanking, breathplay, and her entry into subspace.

I was able to control myself to an extreme degree so that it wasn’t even close to being about me getting off…but learning about her body. What pleased her. Where she was pleased. What things seemed to be a waste of time, physically speaking, and what things were too far. I specifically took long moments during play to help her find a still place in her core. Sometimes it was to let her revel in how good she felt. Other times it was so she could express a need for me to change things up a bit. I never hurt her out of emotion or pain for pain’s sake. I always respected her limits and made great efforts to make this an enjoyable experience for her above my own pleasure. Afterwards, we kissed and cuddled, and I listened to her review of the entire nights events, so that I could continually improve.

We had had so many weeks of discussion that I felt we weren't rushing anything...we were two consenting adults doing what we wanted and discussed doing already. Where I didn’t try to take control or force any submission. And that had continued throughout the beginning of this first date to the point where by the time we got home, we could have talked for weeks more.

That was how interested in each other we were. And in fact, once we were done at 3 a.m. we headed out to her front porch where we talked more about non-sexual things like family, religious beliefs, and her children. I opened up as well about my family, my former life as a preacher’s son, and my wonderful mother who was an academic like Casey. Once we went inside there was a lot of sweetness and we fell asleep with her head on my chest.

Friday morning: Despite getting only 4 hours sleep we were both up at 7 a.m. The poor, bohemian student had cupboards as dry as a desert so I walked down to the corner market and bought them out of, well, just about everything. I wanted her to have everything she needed, long after I was gone. So bacon and juice, and jam and fruit, and many other things came back in a bag with me so I could be sure she would be fed for many days to come. It was a duty I shouldered gladly.

We seemed to zone in on our shared love of the 1950’s household and what a great example of it her parents are. It was only natural that I offered to take her shopping for clothes that might fit the part if we wanted to try out such roles ourselves. Putting her in charge of driving my car, she chauffeured us to the mall where it was a delight to give freely what I had to make her happy and dress her in the style we both enjoyed. On the way back we bought her a large supply of coffee for her special coffeemaker and again, I felt secure that my responsibility to care for her, as well as my joy of doting on such a sweet, wonderful girl, were accomplished.

The entire afternoon, we reveled in being a couple. Not in an overtly emotional way, but just by hanging out, her feet propped up on my lap, and chilling with her other female roommate. Science and music and academia were discussed and pondered and philosophized about until right before dark. Casey did us the honor of showing us her high school picture album and it was ten tons of fun.

That was when her roommate, who had obviously been high on pot already, offered us both some pot. I don’t do drugs of any kind, but am not the kind of guy to judge others for usage, as long as it’s not a destructive influence. Casey wanted to partake, and asked me if it was ok, and I thought two hits was a decent compromise. Looking back, this was a mistake.

To Be Continued
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Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.

Last edited by vanquish; 03-21-2014 at 08:34 PM.
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  #14  
Old 03-21-2014, 04:59 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Dating BDSM-hipsters right after divorce (Part 2)

We had planned on going out to dinner with Casey dressed in one of the sweet little dresses I had bought her, but she told me how wonderful the first session was, and how wonderful fucking was on pot, so instead we decided to stay home and play again. Again more orgasm denial and control. More ropeplay. More trips to subspace and yes, more breathplay. When I say breathplay, I mean the use of my hand and nothing else on her neck. I have done this many times before and prefer it to a plastic bag or chain-choke collar because I have direct control and there’s no physical malfunction possible. This is something she had asked for and something I enjoyed also. It seemed to deepen her subspace journey and increase her frequency of orgasm. I began speaking to her in a deeper, slower, more purposeful voice. (I use three types of voices usually: a sweet, encouraging, reassuring voice, a more neutral, flat voice for changes in position or tone, and this deep, darker voice for persuasion and instruction.)

Here’s where it gets weird. At one point as she was coming out of subspace, she seemed to think I had put her under hypnosis. She asked sweetly, “You put me under hypnosis, didn’t you, Daddy?”

“No, kitten. I didn’t,” I responded very clearly.

But she continued to insist that I had and was truly convinced I had. And the more I told her that I hadn’t the more she resisted and wouldn’t believe me. At one point I said, “If I really did put you under hypnosis and control your complete mind, then I’m commanding you to text your friend L. and tell her x,y,z.” When she refused, I explained that her refusal was proof I’d done nothing of the sort, but still she insisted. She yelled,”RED. RED.” and I knew that we had reached a dangerous point.

I determined that my only course of action for her protection and security was to just go with what she believed and work within those rules. I told her that I had used hypnosis, but that I was releasing her from all control, present and future. I wanted her to be at ease and feel safe.

At this point she got even angrier and more determined. She dressed up and headed out of the house. Going somewhere unidentified. Having just gotten out of subspace. Still not entirely clear-headed in my estimation. This worried me so I followed her. The more I followed the more she wanted me to back off, but I explained I was worried and needed her to come back. I tried being sweet as well as being forceful (voice-wise, not with hands), but nothing worked. She sped up and I sped up after her saying, “You’d better stop,” meaning not to get too far from home. Meaning that I was worried about her.

Part of me was wondering if this was part of a rape roleplay that she had indicated she wanted to try, but I didn't go down that way. We would have needed to discuss the details and parameters first. As soon as I tried to get her to go back to the house, she started screaming, “HELP! HELP! HELP!” at the top of her lungs. As this was the first time a woman had ever done this in my presence, much less directed at my actions, I was taken aback and nervous to say the least. I tried one more time to assure her I wasn’t trying to hurt her, but by then the residents of the nearby apartment complex were coming outside to see what was the matter. I disengaged to reduce the stress on her and also to avoid suspicion for something I didn’t do.

I walked around the block and returned to the house. I noticed that two police cars were now there and guessed they were trying to help Casey. Gathering my things, I put everything back into my suitcases and put them in the front parlor. I got nervous when I saw flashlights that seemed to be hunting for me outside around the house, so I went upstairs to see if the female roommate was there and could help the situation. She was nowhere to be found.

For 30-45 minutes by my watch, I stayed upstairs, sitting on the floor and watching the cop cars. I was worried I was about to be taken out in handcuffs and arrested for some sort of assault. I’m quite law-abiding, so that was no small threat to me, though I was still worried about Casey and how she must be feeling. I eventually began to descend the stairs behind the house and Casey met me on one of the landings. The instant she saw me, she ran off wailing and screaming for help. I did not pursue her, though I did verbally attempt to calm her down. Still nothing worked. I put myself in her shoes and realized why she still might feel scared. I walked through the house with my hands up, at a slow, deliberate pace. Yards ahead of me, she got in her car and drove away.

Seeing my things, I got them and put them in my car where I was confronted by the police. They asked me for my version of events and I recounted them as best I could. To Casey’s credit she told them that I had not abused her physically and that it was part of mind control. This last particular point wasn’t taken seriously by the officers, but I always referred to her in a respectful tone myself. Once they asked me to leave town I did so. I did text her back a few times and then call her, at which time the police told me not to do so any more. I complied. I just wanted my friend to be ok.

I drove back to Montgomery worried sick about how she felt and reanalyzing the mistakes I had made that night. Just as I hit the city limits, Casey called me and asked where I was. I told her I was in Montgomery and she asked me, “Why? You should come back so that we can talk about what happened.”

Before I could answer, someone, perhaps a friend attempting to protect her took the phone from her and wouldn’t give it back, though she clearly had more to say. He threatened me in several ways and refused all of my requests for us to “reset” and discuss an adult course of action. I decided to let things cool down and later a few more texts were exchanged, but always with Casey initiating.

I fully admit that I made several important mistakes and am willing to bear the consequences of them. But Casey really misunderstood what was going on.

Please don’t misunderstand. I do not blame two hits of pot for all of this. There were several boundaries that should not have been crossed that were. I do, however, feel that the mix of pot (a strain of which still has not been determined. I don’t think we’ll ever know if it had something additional in it.), dizzying breathplay, and a trip into subspace did contribute to the confusion.

The time we spent apart was really hard. Even though it was one date....after weeks and weeks of constant contact, I felt like we were moving towards a future together. One that we'd talked about in detail. And then it just blew up.


So after that big blowup...she invoked a protector. They are bandmates and she says he's like a brother to her. She wanted to keep going with the relationship, but once she got the protector involved...it got harder. He asked for my side of the story. I responded with some detail, but I requested that we discuss things in person so the words wouldn't get misunderstood.

To be perfectly frank, I felt like he was going to use my own words to attack me, so I didn't want to bend over for his ass raping. And boy was I right. He sent me back this VERY emotional message where I could tell he was getting off on being her protector. He's in his own relationship, but that doesn't mean he didn't secretly have something in the back of his head/heart for sweet and spicy Casey.

So....She kept messaging me...and messaging me....so I gave in and despite the protector's commands not to talk to her...we started up again.

To be continued
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Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.

Last edited by vanquish; 03-21-2014 at 08:35 PM.
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  #15  
Old 03-21-2014, 05:00 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Dating BDSM-hipsters right after divorce (Part 3 of 3)

Meanwhile at home with my marriage, things fell apart. Partially uncontrolled and partially at my control. My wife found a picture of Casey on my computer and confronted me. I took this as my chance to finally tell her I wanted a divorce. It felt amazing. It was what I had been wanting for 4 years or more. After trying everything with my wife for even longer than that (married for 14 years)...we both weren't what each other needed. We have no kids so that made it easier.

Well sort of. My wife was devastated while I was like a rock of obsidian. Resolute. Caring about it all, but resolute. She asked that I look through a box of old photos to see what I was throwing away...which I did. But it made up my mind even more. The woman had made me go years and years with out sex...made me feel absolutely unattractive...and even lied about something pretty major - the fact that she'd never...not once had an orgasm with a man...including me. That's a whole long other story about how she told me that 10 years into our marriage. Talk about betrayed. I tackled that problem from every conceivable angle...again...long story...but I'm comfortable that it's not my fault. She also made me feel like complete crap about my finances being feast or famine. Used the worst parts of me against myself. So yeah...I was done.

At this point, I told my wife I would take a few days to decide what I wanted...and so I left the house...and went on a trip with Casey. After spending about $2000 on dresses and purses and sunglasses and shoes and...well you get the point (I didn't lord it over her...she kept resisting having me buy it all, but I just wanted to take care of her and be sweet to her), we headed to her hometown for the 4th. I paid for a dinner cruise to watch fireworks for us both and her parents. Again another great date. Followed by another amazing playdate at the hotel.

She was calling me Daddy almost all the time now...wearing my little dresses and tying her hair up in 60s scarves while we had the top down on my convertible roadster. That time period, where money was no issue for me, seems like a dream as well.

We headed down to Pensacola Beach to see a friend of hers who was having a birthday. Turns out the girl was really in a bad situation. Again, my Daddy impulse came out. She had nothing and was about to be eating for two....so I loaded up her pantry and bought us all enough Indian food for two armies. Kitten and I slept together...I massaged her sweetly one night...we went to the beach...but no play time. This was more me kinda getting out of the way of her time with her friend. Having a great time we headed back. Again everything cool.

Things were more than back on track. We were making music play lists for each other...texting about 1000 times a day and talking on the phone. Since she was in Bham and I'm in Montgomery there was just enough distance.

I should also say...I sent the protector another message saying that I wanted to talk to him about what happened in person or over the phone so I could hear any words of wisdom he had on the subject and perhaps, if it was possible, to begin to reconnect with Casey. We eventually got on the same page and became acquaintances.

We both wanted more time together so I went up again...just for the day...and we had a lunch date. She dressed in some of my clothing I bought her and looked like a billion bucks. She was a bit stand offish...and got quieter as time went on. Eventually we ate...then browsed an old bookstore...and got back in the car. She definitely wanted to play but was acting almost like strangers.

When we got to the hotel and began to play her eyes were glassed over and she wasn't giving any sort of affection or exchange so I stopped everything and asked...what was wrong? I'm not going to keep going until I know you're ok. She finally pushed through and told me two things: 1) she'd followed my instruction not to touch herself for a week...and she just wanted me to throw her down and fuck the hell out of her....and 2) she was rebelling because she was worried about our contract. The finality and completeness of it.

So after a session that was pretty damn great for both of us, I began to speak to her about the contract and about her independence. I didn't want to rob her of it. The contract was editable by both of us...and I didn't want her to agree to anything she wasn't comfortable with...or comfortable working on. We did a lot of aftercare...and things seemed really good.

We both go back to our respective towns...and things are GREAT. Friday morning around 10 she texts me freaking the fuck out. One of my wife's secretaries tried to friend her on Facebook. Which means this woman knew her real name was trying to snoop. I calmly tell Kitten that I'll take care of it and not to worry. (I realize that didn't instantly make things better, but was a start.)

Eventually we have a conversation about how the divorce situation had her completely worried and how we couldn't continue as romantic partners. She loved me, but she had children and a career to think about.

This really hurt me. I was thrown headlong into love pangs. She was all I could think about and couldnt live without. Literally the first woman I really dated after my separation from my wife and I was convinced that she was perfect for me. Looking back that was really silly. (Not to say she's not an amazing girl that I wouldn't date again now actually)

Time went on...life went on...and we stayed in touch, but only minimally. She was a grad student and trying to find a job. As it turned out I know the powers that be in the education world here, so I got her an interview for a very prestigious high school position. I'll never forget how she came down for the interview and stayed with me in my house. I was doting on her as a "service top" but with no romantic interaction. Not only did she have her son, but my divorce wasn't over and she was still freaked out a bit...and rightly so. She had given me the option of having her stay somewhere else but I wouldn't hear of it...I was still in love...so I had them stay with me. Her son loved me to pieces and even said that I was "the best guy ever!". I hoped that that would win some points with her, and it did...but didn't get me back in the ballgame. Of course she aced the job interview with her own talent and winning charm, but I always like to remember how got things started. I've never told her that though.

Once she got the job, she needed a place to stay. She found a rent to own house on the internet and told me about it. Wanting to go the extra mile to show her how much I cared, I found the house, took 40 or 50 pictures of it and sent them to her. Then I found a comparable house that was cheaper and in a better area...and sent her those. Later she would tell me that I was "incredible" and "utterly amazing" for going to all that effort. And that her mom thought I was "priceless" for what I'd done. Again, I was hoping this would lead to us dating again. It didn't.

None of the house buying worked out so I found her an apartment within her means and that's where she's living now. We speak occasionally and are still friendly. We've even been out to a bar two or three times, but nothing romantic at all. Over the 4 months since she moved here, she found a boyfriend from her hometown. One she complains about to me, dropping little flirtations like, "I'm the kind of girl who likes to have sex every day, but he's not like that. And I only get to see him on the weekends." ...while it's 1 am and we're sipping whiskey at the local watering hole.

I'm not nearly enthralled with her any more, though I would entertain dating her again as I think we'd be great together still. M, my current partner, knows the whole story and really doesn't care for Casey, but would be friendly with her if I ever did start dating her again. Casey knows about M, but doesn't want to meet her for whatever reason.

Crazy, huh?
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Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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  #16  
Old 03-23-2014, 07:12 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Just a short note as I'm trying to publish more often to this blog.

M and I are in a great groove right now. Things are fun and flirty around the house. For months and months she's called me Papa and I love the feeling. She dials it down around family and friends, but she knows how to sneak it in when they are out of earshot. She's always enjoyed cooking for the two of us so that has continued. I've gotten her to clean a bit more though which is a plus. On first blush that might sounds misogynistic, but M has always had an issue with commitment...for as long as we've dated. She doesn't even like to use the words commitment or boyfriend, though they do slip out from her tongue once in awhile. We go to the grocery. We go to movies. We work on the house and the landscaping together (I'm doing the work mostly and she's doing the designing, though she does get her hands dirty too) We have a thriving couple's relationship.

M met someone on Tinder a few days ago and they've really hit it off by text. It's a butch lesbian, young, attractive, and a lawyer like me. She just took our dog out on a dog walking date with the young lady who, coincidentally, lives about 3 blocks from me/us. Because men of my age have been programmed to view men as competition and women as conquests, I'm really not having many issues with this date as I would if he were a guy. Logically I know that women can connect on a deeper emotional level...and then there's knowing how to work the lady parts because they have them...theoretically women could be even more competition. But for now...5 minutes into their date...I feel fine.

Like with most other dates, she wanted my company while she showered and got ready. I was genuinely excited for her to meet someone new even though I'm not in a place financially where I can date someone new myself. We talked about how anything could happen...could be a great date...could be just a good friend...could not connect at all. And I'd be fine with any of that. I do sincerely want her to have a great time and meet someone new and fun. We talked about how cool it would be if things went well and the three of us could all hang out together.

As things haven't been more than casual with them yet, the subject of her having a significant other hasn't come up yet in their conversations. We talked about that and have a mutually beneficial understanding. If it looks like they will have a second date or if it's need to know information, she won't shy away from the topic. But until it's necessary there's no need.

I have to say that M's been great about saying the things I need to hear for a good while now. We always drop the love bomb throughout the day, but she'll also say things about how special I am to her as her Papa. In the past it has felt like sometimes she retreats into feeling "little" to set up a boundary when I'm feeling sexual and she's not. But we've been having a lot more sex...and really great sex recently...so I'm of the mind to let that play out. We've discussed it in the past and she denies it. She simply says she feels how she feels and if she's not sexual then she's not going to be coerced. Of course I'd never want to coerce her into sex.

Usually we have a few "date communication" rules: text once the date has started to let me know all is well and if you're into the date more than 2 or 3 hours, text me to let me know you're ok. If it's night time, I'll need to know if it's going to be an all-nighter or if I'll need to come pick her up. Today's date is during the day...and will be the two of them walking dogs...so she wont need my transportation and safety is much more probable. I just said "no need to check in this time, but if you're out more than 2 or 3 hours text me to let me know how things go." She said "Yes, Papa. I couldn't forget you!" which was nice to hear. Practically, more than a few hours with the dogs out would be wearisome, unless they find a way to corral them and forget about them for a time. I don't think that will happen, but no worries if it does.

Relationship-wise things are going so well. The financial side of my life is pretty much in shambles though. I've got a gas bill of close to $2,000 that I can't pay. Which means the renters I have here in the house wont have a gas stove or hot water to shower in. I have no clue how I'm going to pay it. On top of that I have $300 cable bill, a $200+ water bill, a $200+ power bill, and $2,000 in property taxes on the house that I'm late on. My law practice hasn't been bringing ANYTHING in....so I'm in dire straights. I want to mortgage the house but a) that doesn't happen overnight and b) my credit is so bad that none of the traditional banks would want to lend to me...even with my house...my $500,000 house as collateral. I may have to sell it which would be intensely painful. I grew up in this house 30 years ago. My mother died in it and my father lived here after his heart attack and stroke. To add insult to injury, I accepted terrible terms in my divorce settlement which included $200 a month that I don't have and a $30,000 balloon payment. I get it...I cheated...but I should have to lose the house I inherited because of it. I never should have accepted the settlement but my own two lawyers were beating up on me in the settlement talks. I folded. I don't even have my own car. I'm borrowing one indefinitely from a colleague. I've tried finding legal jobs here in my town, but there's nothing. I might have to go find a job at CostCo or something else just to get money coming in.

I haven't told the roommates about the issues with the bills...I'm too afraid to. I keep hoping I'll pull a rabbit out of a hat somehow. It's going to suck because M had already been planning on going back to her mother's house for a few days...but now she'll have to stay there (30 mins away) for food and hot water and I'll miss her a lot. Plus the renters are her sister and her sister's fiance. Cool people. Very cool couple. But failing to do my duty for them is going to suck even more because they are family.

At least I have my health, right?
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  #17  
Old 03-23-2014, 11:44 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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So M came back from her date and they really hit it off. I've got mixed feelings in the extreme. On one hand I am truly happy for her that she had such a great time and that her date was such an enjoyable girl. On the other hand, this might be the next real test of our polyamory.

Its not the first test. Her dates with other men have tested me to be sure. At first the idea that she was not only having sex but possibly falling in love. I weathered those and come out stronger. Not impervious, but much stronger. Should this new girl be a new love, the amount of time I get will be reduced. The NRE could be really strong. There's nothing I can do but be supportive.

We did a recap of the date while we made food in the kitchen. It was fun. Right now we're curled up on couches in my parlor. M stayed up all night and is now crashing after her date. She's said she's going to sleep at her mom's tonight. Id rather she stay here, mostly for reconnection because of the date. I'll ask her and we'll see.
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Old 03-24-2014, 11:40 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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I asked M to sleep here tonight and she did. Her mother is sick back at home and packing up her stuff quickly would have been a chore anyway so I think the decision was easy. I shouldn't discount the fact that she did it for me and she wanted to be with me. That's important.

I'm.not sure if it's because of how tired she was or the NRE but I feel there's a teeny, tiny bit of distance. It's probably all in my head. She and I did a fair amount of "Papa & Babygirl" talk as is our usual, but not as much as feels normal.

I've got to go out of town today with my boss/colleague so it kind of feels like even more separation. She's been saying for months she was going to take a bunch of her clothes home, but she reminded me last night she was going to do that. Again, more feeling of separation. More independence and less cohesive unit. Again, I can't blow things up into something they're not, but we've been living together for months...and her moving back, while always part of her plan...hurts some.

I've got to focus on getting my life together and not destructive cycles in my head. Its nowhere near a breakup. We're still in love and happy. Its just going to be more alone time, which I don't prefer.
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Last edited by vanquish; 03-24-2014 at 12:34 PM.
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Old 03-24-2014, 03:22 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Sitting in court waiting for our case to be called. Just wanted to make a note that I view F/F relationships just as important as F/M relationships. There's even an argument that because of the similarity, there's even more reason for concern...if I was viewing M's other relationships as competition - which I'm making lots of progress on NOT doing.

I was pleasantly surprised with how happy I was for her when she came back from her date and told me about it. I know there will be times when I'll want to spend time with her and she'll have time booked with her new date. I'm anticipating being fine with that, but we won't know until it happens.
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Old 03-24-2014, 06:23 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Afternoon micro-update.

Came home for lunch and we had a great lunch out at Home Depot. We discussed me selling my house to move into something smaller. I really don't want to, but I have to do what makes the most sense if I can't find a job.

Lots of Papa and Babygirl interaction going on. Felt great. She'll still be going home tonight, but I'll be a lot more comfortable. She joked with the dogs "Booo. Papa has to leave to go to work. He's leaving us and never coming back." I played back and said "Booo. Babygirl is leaving to sleep at home tonight and she's never coming back." We started kissing and hugging and reassuring each other that all is well.

By the way, some may be wondering if we're in those roles 24/7. We're not. I'd say about it's 50/50 - adult time and Babygirl time. Sometimes if I overstep the bounds of her autonomy she'll pop out of Babygirl and back into adult mode. Other times she'll surprise me the other way around.
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