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  #41  
Old 04-12-2010, 03:06 PM
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Originally Posted by SimpleSimian View Post
Basically, my original point is that is really seems like the mono person in a poly relationship gets the kind of "I'm poly. Take me or leave me." speech. Because what poly person would stay in a relationship with somebody who's mono, if that mono person was miserable and/or possessive and/or jealous all the time? Can any poly person honestly say they wouldn't think about ending a relationship over that? That's where I see the imbalance. The mono person has to change and be okay with their SO being poly and with getting less attention, while the poly person gets to get more attention, more love, more sex, and pay attention to other people. I highly doubt a poly person would have a problem with a mono person only staying with them and not seeking other lovers as well. That would be unfair, too. I don't know, the whole situation sometimes seems one-sided. Like the mono in a m/p relationship gets shafted repeatedly the whole time, and the poly person doesn't have to worry about anything. That's what it seems like.
Shouldn't someone who is mono consider ending a relationship like that.

gets to get? you make it sound like more in terms of more toys, more money, more cake... but in a indulgent way... I don't feel like that. it's way more work and harder to balance... the pay off is feeling "right" not feeling like I "get" stuff.

I think finding some reasons that are positive might be in order. Have you been reading on these forums? or just writing? Perhaps really, really concentrating on what you can get out of this would be helpful. Otherwise, you are right, what is the point?
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  #42  
Old 04-12-2010, 03:12 PM
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I very much understand and feel the same. This is actually the way I "broke" this to my husband. He is mono. I am poly. I probably have always been because I have always had lots of men in my life...friends, lovers, a spouse. For the most part I have continued some form of a friendship with my past lovers...because I still love them. That never goes away. It just isn't sexual. My relationships always overlapped. They usually lasted a year or two or three as monogamous because the sexual relationships in the past have for the most part been with people I truly loved as friends...not very many casual or one night stands. It was always difficult for me to end these relationships because I still loved them, I just happened to have fallen in love with another too. Being in a poly situation wasn't the right thing to do (at the time). So sadly those loving relationships stopped growing. Anyway to make a long story short. I have been married for 18 years, and with my husband(AP) for 20. Although I never had an outside intimate relationship with anyone since my marriage, recently that has changed. My current lover (PP)showed me that this is possible. He is a poly and married to a mono. It has been a strange thing to transition into and I am not really good at taking things slowly. I am learning to be in a new relationship without having all the usual freedoms of getting to know someone in his entirety because of boundaries put up by our mono spouses. I know it is a process but I need help. How do you reign the love in when all you want to do is push forward? My husband has been really understanding of the fact that this is what I need but has made it implicitly clear he is not interested in a polylifestyle himself, nor does he want to know my lover. These are the boundaries I need to work through because I am not built that way. I am very close with my family and friends. I don't know how to not have this all co-mingled. My love for PP grew over a couple of years of friendship. Once we decided to take it to a sexual relationship we fell in love quickly and intensely. A lot of passion and I have never trusted anyone so much, not even my husband. Whatever happens in the future, I know I want both of these men in my life as lovers and life partners. Where the hell do I start making this normal for everyone else?
RE:
"think that where it feels unfair is a mono person expects that they can ask for the other person to behave the way they feel most comfortable behaving:
but really none of us have the right to do this to another person.
We DO have the right to choose friends/lovers who have the same ideals as us, but people learn about themselves as they live and so they also change and they may no longer have those same ideals as us as time goes on."
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  #43  
Old 04-12-2010, 03:14 PM
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I am just getting this formatting down. Somehow quoted myself rather than LR. OOPS!
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  #44  
Old 04-12-2010, 03:17 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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surround what you want to quote in [ quote ] hello [ /quote ] and leave everything not surrounded by tags. Formatting will work

Quote:
I am just getting this formatting down. Somehow quoted myself rather than LR. OOPS!
(take out the spaces)
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  #45  
Old 04-12-2010, 03:19 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
gets to get? you make it sound like more in terms of more toys, more money, more cake... but in a indulgent way... I don't feel like that. it's way more work and harder to balance... the pay off is feeling "right" not feeling like I "get" stuff.
An excellent description. It feels right...
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  #46  
Old 04-12-2010, 03:24 PM
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Thanks!
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  #47  
Old 04-12-2010, 05:03 PM
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Yeah, I suppose I worded that poorly, and, as I said, I only feel like that when I'm super depressed. Most of the time I am happy that she gets to explore and be happy. But I also worry about her because she gets hurt easily, and being poly opens her up to so much more of a steady chance of being heartbroken. My wife is fragile, and nobody she's connected to lately has understood that. Every one of her friends managed to make her feel alienated in ways that I, myself, would have just overlooked (I'm much more forgiving and harder to hurt than my wife is -- I have been told, in the past, that I let people walk all over me).

But anyway, I think I hit a nerve for some people, and I'm sorry. Mostly I was just feeling depressed, and trying to explain myself at the same time.

But yes, I've been reading, and I've read plenty of articles and talked to people outside this community (very few, but still). I understand the concepts and feelings behind being poly, I am just trying to bring them home.

Last edited by SimpleSimian; 04-12-2010 at 05:07 PM.
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  #48  
Old 04-12-2010, 06:44 PM
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SS-I think it is awesome that you are so open about how you feel. I love your candour and directness. I love people like that. Be wary though, I will be just as direct back. :P so much learning and growing happens when we say what we really think. My problem is taking it all too seriously when I think its all about me, but that is another story and not for here. I work on that myself.

Anyway, please carry on because I for one am learning something.

Morningglory- welcome to your new poly life, good luck making sense of it. I am much like you in terms of the wanting to rush into things because of NRE. I think a lot of people are. I am finding huge benefits and differences in taking time and being compassionate and respectful to all those involved. There is not as much need in mono/mono relationships, sometimes I think there should be however. Especially where children are involved. Another story... Wow I am so easily side tracked today.

Anyway MG I hope you read some of the history of Mono and I if you are wanting to explore what my experience has taught me about slowing down. You can PM too of course
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  #49  
Old 04-12-2010, 06:49 PM
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MG- I totally get the thing you said about relationships not growing and the sadness you felt when they ended because you still loved them. I have a similar past.


As for it becoming normal? Time, patience and taking it slow. Amazingly, my life actually feels normal lately for those three reasons!
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  #50  
Old 04-12-2010, 07:13 PM
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Here's a link to a thread where people gave some ideas of what benefits that poly has to offer. My thoughts as a card carrying, sword wielding mono are in there as well Redpepper had to remind me of some things this morning so I went back and re-read my own thoughts.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...light=benefits

When it comes right down to it, some situations will work and some will not. Mono or poly has nothing to do with it. Expectations are everything in a relationship. They will determine if it can be healthy or unhealthy, if it is based on someone adding to your life or carrying you through it, if you are walking with someone or being pushed in front of them or dragging them back.

Sometimes we have to stop hiding behind the guise of protecting those we love and admit that we can't handle being with the ones we love. We need to accept that we can love someone and not be able to be with them in all the ways we want.

Some of us need to experience more before locking into a certain way of living. That is the beauty of time and, strike me down for saying, A-G-E.

Knowing that we can take care of ourselves is the most powerful lesson in life. The second most powerful lesson is knowing that others can do this as well.

No more sugar coating...here's my advice. Take a break from your mairrage. Do it in a mature manner. Sit down and discuss going on a journey with your wife only this time you won't be doing it together. Explore a relationship with a monogamous partner and see what that generates for you. You and your wife need to stand on your own two feet. She may find the freedom invigorating and you may find the stability and sense of sexual commitment much more comfortable and healthy. Of course you both may find out that life apart is unfulfilling and return to each other...but you'll do it with more experience and that will make the difference.

Both of you need to hoist your sails and see where the wind will take you.
The wind took me to the waters of a mono poly relationship with an incredible woman. But it also let me linger in a huge and very fulfilling monogamous ocean for a long time. There is turbulence and waves in both but there is happiness and health in both as well. Some boats sail better in one or the other while other boats can ride the waves where they meet comfortably. Maybe you are both dropping your anchors a bit too soon....maybe you've forgotten that there are really two boats.

Take care..and this is all just my humble opinion
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