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  #11  
Old 03-23-2014, 03:01 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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LoveBunny, from reading your blog I can see you didn't handle NRE with Coco well at all, and neglected Arlo during that time. So now you've gone the other way, to a DADT and compartmentalization.

There is a happy medium to be sought for, where you don't have to hide a new love, but also don't neglect your original partner.
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  #12  
Old 03-23-2014, 04:15 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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DADT doesn't work long term either .

The key is finding a dynamic that works for you and your partners
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  #13  
Old 03-23-2014, 04:24 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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@Magdlyn Yep. I suspect DADT is Arlo's way of making me prove I won't lose my mind over every relationship that comes along. I'm hoping down the road, the "rules" will loosen up a little and we'll find that happy medium. During a recent check in, he said something about how I haven't even been dating, and I corrected him. I have been seeing other people, I told him. I've been keeping it from you as per your instructions. He told me I was doing a great job, as he hasn't felt my focus waiver from him or our life together in any way.

I feel ridiculous arguing with him over long-term relationships I don't even have yet, but I don't want to ever "steamroll" him again, and I would prefer to get as much of this stuff ironed out as possible. Of course, once we're dealing with a REAL person, not a hypothetical, who I'm emotionally attached to, who knows what will happen?
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  #14  
Old 03-23-2014, 04:26 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
I'd like to know if anyone here maintains multiple relationships which are lived out entirely separate from one another--I mean, your lovers do not interact at all for whatever reason. I'd also like to hear from those of you who don't have an even casual relationship with your "metamour." How does this level of compartmentalization affect you and your relationships?

Obviously, purely sexual, casual relationships works fine within these circumstances, but I'm wondering more about long-term relationships. Can they be sustained while keeping "worlds from colliding?"
Depends on the people.

It couldn't work this way for me. We don't have enough time as a family to diverge too far outside of the timeframes we are responsible for.

Any relationships needs to "fit" into the family. Does this mean they all need to get along, no. But it does mean sometimes, there will be group meetups, or get together that have to satisfy the people involved.

As for purely casual long term... I couldn't sustain that. I would either get bored, or it would turn into something else. I enjoy casual sex.. (you know the kind with shorts and t-shirts) but it usually does diverge at some point. If I am interested in fucking someone, and they have the potential to be great friends, there really isn't a stretch to jump to a relationships.

If I am fucking someone, and we have so little in common that I just basically want someone to fuck. My brain gets bored.

Casual sex is short and sweet.. besides I always end up worrying I am leading the person on. Regardless of communication it does sometimes change up.
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  #15  
Old 03-23-2014, 08:17 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Quote:
I am not yet in a place where I could walk into a venue and see him and his husband together in a couple-y way and be okay - but I'm a hardwired mono.
@Deverijni if you lived closer together, this might inevitably happen, accidentally or because of a social event he wanted you both to attend. How would you expect bf to handle this?

@Dagferi & @Magdyln, I didn't mention DADT in my OP for a reason--that's not the long term plan. If I get serious with someone, it's different. However, even once hubby knows I'm in a real relationship with someone else, should that occur, he still hopes to keep things VERY separate.

I'm not saying I expect them to be besties, nor would I expect hubby to let lover spend nights in my bed. But my husband says, for example, that if I have a party, I can only invite him or the other partner, not both. If I'm out with friends and my other partner is with us, I should not invite hubby, and vice-versa. This is the sort of thing that has me worried I'll feel split in two. Again, this person is hypothetical. And, my husband works a lot, so I'd have time and space, technically, to pull it off. But it's a small town, and at some point, husband and other WILL run into each other.
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Last edited by LoveBunny; 03-23-2014 at 09:01 PM.
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  #16  
Old 03-23-2014, 08:41 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
@Inyourendo, so how does that work? For example, if you're out with friends and one partner is there, would you NOT invite the other? If you were to throw a party, could you invite them both or no?
If I threw a party who came would depend on who's night and who's home. If it was at mine and Sam's place I wouldn't invite nate and same if it waa mine and Nate's I would not invite sam. i dont have any close friends and neither does nate so scheduling around social activities isnt an issue.

Now sam came over one day thinking I would be home and he and nate hung out for a bit. It was awkward for both but someday I do plan on having sam move in so they will over the years get used to each other.
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  #17  
Old 03-23-2014, 09:09 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Now sam came over one day thinking I would be home and he and nate hung out for a bit. It was awkward for both but someday I do plan on having sam move in so they will over the years get used to each other.
Have you told these guys your plan? Are they on board?

Arlo says he doesn't want anyone else I date in our home, ever. Since he's the primary breadwinner, I'm not sure I have much negotiation space on that one. On the one hand, I never have people over anyway (small place and I hate housework) but I'd hate the idea that I'd have to sneak someone in if I just wanted to them to see where I live. I mean, you learn a lot about someone by being in their home.
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  #18  
Old 03-23-2014, 09:30 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post

But I wouldn't want to compartmentalize for long haul today. At the time having (multiple non-primary) as the open relationship model was great. I want something else now. It is entirely possible for time to pass and for me to want that model again, though. People are not static -- even oneself.
The relationship model that would best accommodate my sexuality/lovestyle while still preserving my current life-partnership would be a primary/secondary model, where my primary and secondary have little, if any, interaction. Not sure how many people out there are itching to become someone's very discreet secondary, but that's what I'm working with.
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  #19  
Old 03-23-2014, 09:57 PM
Devirajni Devirajni is offline
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Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
@Deverijni if you lived closer together, this might inevitably happen, accidentally or because of a social event he wanted you both to attend. How would you expect bf to handle this?
I know it is inevitable, and this is why I WANT to meet my metamour. I said I wasn't there yet because this has not yet happened.

My boyfriend would not want us both to attend the same social event. I suspect the way it will go is that when his husband is visiting, his husband will attend work/social events with him and I will not attend if I have been invited by the hosts, and when his husband is not visiting, I will go with him if it is hosted by someone who knows about our polyship.

We live in a small town and my boyfriend is not comfortable with everyone knowing about our relationship in case it reflects negatively on how his marriage is perceived by people we work with. I can understand this - it is still big news that he is married to a man. Throw in bisexuality and polyamory, and I think the minds of most of our colleagues would implode!
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  #20  
Old 03-23-2014, 10:02 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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We live in a small town and my boyfriend is not comfortable with everyone knowing about our relationship in case it reflects negatively on how his marriage is perceived by people we work with.
Yep, same with my husband. He's sort of a local celebrity and his career is very important to him. He cares much more than I do about what others think.
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