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  #31  
Old 03-20-2014, 03:41 AM
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Default addendum.

oh yeah - guess I could explain a little better:

Z was NOT into me being sexually intimate with J. he's said this on several occasions. but me, still wanting to be with Z in ways AND wanting similar time with J, I kept pushing a little here and there. it's like I don't know how NOT to - I want relationships with them both, and I want to be MORE than "just" friends.

two or three times over the past couple of years, Z would say something to me that MEANT, TO ME, "you can go be intimate with other people, including J, and I will not withdraw from you."

well, to his mind, what he SAID/MEANT was, "you can go do what you want to do with whomever, but I reserve the option to withdraw and opt out of OUR sexual/intimate relationship," and that's exactly what he would do. NOT what I heard.

exact details and words escape me right now because I've been OVER AND OVER them all with myself in my head SO MANY TIMES (so not healthy). but that's the gist of it.

I love Z, and I love sharing many things/times with him, but our relationship doesn't meet all my needs. I finally narrowed it down, I think, to a lack of romantic attraction to him (don't ask me to define that right now; I'll do that later). He's handsome, intelligent, well-read, well-spoken, an awesome cook, a great helper, a natural leader, can be very sweet, can be compassionate; we've had some of the most TENDER times together. there have been several times - sometimes lasting a day, sometimes two weeks - when I've had to re-examine what I just said about feeling a lack of romantic attraction; times when I thought, OMG...I could marry this man. often they were times of deep and honest revealing of myself to him, my feelings/emotions/thoughts/desires, *including* regarding J, and his nonjudgmental listening and acceptance.

turns out I was reading things wrongly. yeah, he was def sending a few mixed signals here & there, but hey - I've done that too, knowingly and unknowingly.

Really - I know Life Happens, and I don't want to sacrifice "today's yummy" for tomorrow's uncertainty (have to credit either sparklepop or galagirl for that fun phrasing ), but I'm feeling a little more all the time like it's a damn good time to stay out of intimate physical relationships (read: sex) altogether for a few months. I don't think I like sex without connection, without forming a bond, and I don't want any bonds to get formed in my little world right now.

So...time to dry out. Very content to do so.
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  #32  
Old 03-20-2014, 03:47 AM
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Default One More Thing.

Dr. Helen Fisher's book "Why Him? Why Her?" was a good read recently.
Gave me insights into why I'm drawn to some of the people/types that I am and why/how some of my relationships (have) work(ed) the way they did. Also some insights into my own personality, some of my deep needs in relationships, and stuff like that.
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  #33  
Old 03-23-2014, 04:14 AM
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Default Need 2 talk.

Feeling the need to talk, write, get some stuff out.

There's one human in the world, *sometimes* two, whom I can talk to about this kind of stuff at this point in my life. I just don't come from a place/culture/family/background/etc where it's okay for this stuff to exist and be happening, much less for ME to be thinking about it, having feelings concerning it, or be participating in any way.

So...I'm writing here. To you guys. Anyone here who will read and maybe respond...I'd ask for a little feedback. Questions, criticism, encouragement, analysis...anything. Please & thanks in advance.

I'm about 3 states away from home. It's been a week since I moved. The changeup from EVERYTHING has been really good to me so far. I'm a pretty creative type who needs lots of space and solitude for thinking, piddling, working on my projects. I process a lot by myself. I don't really have a difficult time making friends, and I went out last night to hear a slick little jazz trio and made some very jolly acquaintances whom I'll probably see there again in the upcoming weeks. Maybe some professional connections. As usually happens, I caught a good word and a sound byte or two that told me I was in the right place at the right time, doing pretty much what I need to be doing. I looked pretty good, felt good, and I have more composure and self-assurance and -containment than I did when I moved to a brand new place a couple of times in my twenties. (Thank the gods for 30...the only way I'd go back to my 20's is if I could go with all the knowledge/experience I have now.) Anyway, I enjoy going out by myself to somewhere I can observe, mingle, and meet a few people now. But I reserve enough of who I am until I know someone pretty well now. I don't just throw it all out there up front; I'm not particularly gregarious like that (unless onstage at times, and then it's for performance).

Anyway...I had fun last night. This place has potential for me, and I like that idea. I could get a couple of gigs here and stay; I have some ideas that could work.

Life Happens. I'll be here a few months minimum, and who knows which way the compass' needle will point at that time. I'm not particularly worried about it.

But staying was never my intent.

I chose this place for a set time specifically because it's always spoken to my soul; it's always been a place of deep resonance and restoration for me. I came here to retreat, rest, recharge, sort some things out for myself, drop some baggage, spend a LOT of my time working on a couple of skills in particular that I've decided to try and master for my own use (it'll take years, but busting my ass on them for 6-8 hrs a day goes a long way toward paving that foundation), and just generally get away. Leave everything at home, at home, and see what does or doesn't grow without my constant influence, presence, etc. See what comes out in the wash. See what remains and what doesn't; what fades and what, if anything, gets stronger. I'm talking about relationships, personal and professional.

There are some I'm absolutely sure of; they will remain, and time and distance can't chip away at their fabric one bit. They are mostly platonic, and a few are very intimate (tho not sexual) as well.

But I'm finding that I don't really want to let everything I left at home alone without my influence; without my...reassurance? Nudging?

For the past few years I've spent so much of my time with Z, mentally/emotionally circling about my relationship with Z, my feelings for Z, his for me, mentally listing the pros & cons of possibly committing to a long-term relationship with him, *pushing*/*nudging* myself toward that emotionally and psychologically...enough of my time was taken up with this that it's been work. There's been as much stress, tension, confusion, and difficulty inside me regarding him and our relationship as there have been good times, doubt-free times, assurance of our connection, downright fun - all the things that HAVE to be there in order to even WANT a relationship with someone.

And it all stems from the fact that I currently also want to be with other people. Namely, my ex - J.

And WHY do I want to be with him, or anyone else?

A few reasons, I think:

1 - I know well and trust them both
2 - I find in myself for J the romantic attraction that I don't have (or have much of) for/with Z
3 - I enjoy some variety, and the differences in my connections/relationships with each of them cover a LOT of the spectrum of my own needs and wants in relationships.

The third is to say that, if both J and Z were cool with having a V-type-thing (independently of each other or together), I wouldn't see myself going or looking anywhere else any time soon.

Alas, that's just an "if", and a BIG one.
Upon last polling, Z was not, and J was pretty much "okay, but I don't want to hear much about it; only what I need to know."

*sigh*

So here I be. And it's okay. I think I tend to get (or sound) a little dramatic sometimes. Sometimes my little world feels HUGE and full, and sometimes it feels like it's about to end.

Since I've been here, it's been pretty even-keel. I have some down moments and I miss a few people; the couple times I've come home later at night to an empty house and bed I've felt some really lonely pangs; but I have a lot of strong, sure, and even up moments. I know I'm in the right spot right now, doing the best thing/s for me.

So - back to things I don't want to leave alone, even when I thought I should/would.

It was such a sore spot with Z for me to talk to J much, via text or anything else. Both J and I wanted to have a deeper relationship than we'd had since Z and I got together, but it was a dealbreaker for Z, so I chose to keep it to the minimum with J that I felt I could. Even then, I pushed Z to stretch that boundary. (I think I should not have. I feel badly for doing it now.)

Since I've been here, J and I have texted just a little nearly every day, sending little happinesses and a word of love and care here and there. Little reminders. We have a made-up word between the two of us that serves as an icon for the essence of our feelings for each other; it's also a pet name with a tinge of possessiveness in it; we use that from time to time, sometimes texting only that. It feels very good to send and receive that on my phone from time to time.

Z and I have texted most days too, throughout the day. I can feel some withdrawal and change of tone on his part, and while it's okay and I respect it, I'm also a little awkward with it. Though he's not mean or harsh, he's gotten some of his old edge back, the edge I feel/hear on him when we've backed off our closeness & intimacy for a while in days past, days or weeks. It's not an impenetrable edge, but it makes me feel shut out (that's part of its purpose; it's part of his own routine of self-containment and -assurance), and in times past I've been afraid of it and have tried to get under or around it, whether or not that's really where I wanted to be. I just didn't want to feel shut out by him, or so far from his center. It's been somewhat selfish of me; not wanting to deal with him needing the space to deal with his own feelings (which was usually a reaction to me pushing him away to do the same, or moving closer emotionally or physically to J).

Before I left home, we both exchanged sentiments of feelings of "I'll never give up on the best of us". We agreed that for all intents and purposes, we were not together, and he told me that he doesn't and can't do LD. I concurred, as I wanted to let go, and wanted space and (self-)permission to reach out, make connections, stretch, hit it off with someone, get crazy, do whatever I felt.

But now I'm not even sure if I meant it, or what I meant by "I don't do LD either." It's only been a week, like I said. I know I'll give it time and allow myself to meet people, and who knows. I may meet someone/s I want to spend more time around, enough to feel warmth or create sparks.

But right now I feel like maybe I have chosen my solitude *in part* to incubate and examine, WITHOUT GUILT, what has existed in me for a long time - my feelings and desire for J.

I've said for a long time that I didn't want to be married. The longer I live, the less I think I should use such a blanket statement, and the less I think i meant it that way whenever I said (or thought) it. For a few years now I've thought more along the lines of: I don't want a traditional, strictly-monogamous, no-room-for-possibility, tandem ox-yoke of a marriage. But no one really wants that, do they??

I wish I could walk more lightly through this world of people and connections and relationships. Plenty that I feel/take SO SERIOUSLY really isn't so life-and-death. I just treat it like it is sometimes...often because someone else is taking it so seriously!

There is something about the way that J and I connect and relate...that keeps me coming back, looking in that direction, hanging on. Even when I don't realize that's what I'm doing.
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  #34  
Old 03-23-2014, 04:16 AM
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Default Need 2 Talk II

I say with chagrin that I'm not sure I would've held on and tried to make my connection with Z into the relationship we've more or less had for four years now had he not fought for it himself like he did or initiated some of those reunions. His good and beautiful qualities kept me coming back to him when we lived so close to each other. He's an amazing and passionate(!!) man with a beautiful and complex and often dirty mind; a skillful, sensitive, and caring lover; a sympathetic heart with a clear-cutting mind; he can have a funny, witty, but very cutting tongue (a talent that I want to escape being the target of in my oversensitivity at times); his recognition and appreciation of beauty and sensuality have left me openmouthed and openhearted time and again. And so it went... Trying again. Trying again.

For all the big plusses in our relationship, I still wanted other people in different ways. I think now it was because of a lower level of attraction (I keep distinguishing it as "romantic" attraction, because I've had plenty of SEXUAL attraction to the man, without the feelings of romance) to Z than I've experienced in other relationships. Both occasionally and long-term. Don't get me wrong, the man is handsome. We've had a slew of people we didn't know walk up to us out of the blue and feel the need to tell us how good we look together, for each other. We know and compliment each other very well and know how to dress it up and turn heads walking into a room together.

We actually work very well together. Talk about a badass team....We often have that shit in spades. Which can be a kind of co-conspiratorial attraction and turn-on in itself.

With all that I know of this man that I like, WHAT needed changing or fixing in order to make this "try again" different or successful??

Now I see that feelings of romance and attraction are non-negotiables for me. I have to have some of that, and if i don't get it with/in my partner (or primary), I'll seek it elsewhere.

And feel guilty about it the whole time, if I'm with someone who doesn't share my thoughts/feelings on the subject.

**Romance: for me, the physical, chemical, emotional, and maybe mental attraction that basically make me want to have this person's children.

I GOTTA have at least SOME of that. Even if I don't plan on reproducing (which is the plan). That's gotta be in my life.

And, sorry. I feel it with J. It's been there in spades with him since very soon after we met. Don't ask me why; I could rattle you off a few things, but it's just there.

Sometimes when I'd initiate a discussion on the idea of me spending intimate time or having sex with J (usually it was him, although there have been a couple of others, mostly tangents), Z would say something like, "oh, are you back to being poly this week?" with an intent to cut a little. Christ. Words & tones like that are like a slap in the face to me.

I know, he's a self-described simple man who likes to keep things simple. What the hell have I been doing, thinking I'm going to change this? And when I can't handle the tension half the time as it's been, why am i thinking I can handle the tension and upheaval that would surely come if things were to all go like I've been thinking I wanted them to? Short of a death in the "family", it's not like either of the guys are just going to drop the animosity and lack of respect for each other that's formed in the past few years.

In my professional opinion, J DOES need to drop the grudge. It's so over. So many of our friends and myself as well have informed him of that. And he KNOWS it. But even if that happens...it still doesn't come close to them being cool with sharing a partner.

Me?

I had this arrow of feeling and thought while out walking this afternoon: with enough time on my own, I'll get to the point where I'm fine being solo and rolling just as I please. I'll be fine with stating the way/s I've chosen to live (whatever they may be at the time) regarding sex, partners, friends, labels, marriage, living situations, whatever, and then standing and backing up those statements, or walking away. Going to take some alone time to get there, though.

At this point, I've been too long in a relationship (and enmeshed) with someone who I think has some fundamentally different needs, wants, and boundaries than mine when it comes to relationships, sex, commitment, etc. And I tend to soak partners up like a water into a sponge: mentally, emotionally, physically, everything. I weave myself into their fabric, change myself (really: read Dr. Fisher's "Why Him? Why Her?" i'm a classic Negotiator, and Explorer secondarily), mold myself to fit them and their needs. (It's in my DNA to nurture.) I don't even know I'm doing it until I've done it. I recognize it as such earlier now than I used to.

It's slowly clicking that I'm not going to change what Z wants or where his boundaries are. Just as slowly clicking that I should not have one eye on thinking I could influence him in a direction other than the ones he wants to go. I want to be a big enough person to love him just as much as I do now, as I have during the times we've been & felt the closest, the most tender, the most loved by/with each other, and to let him go his own way and not cling, hoping he'll change his mind. That, too, is real friendship.

Isn't that half of what this whole move was about? To let go? Yes. I tell myself it's okay and that if I give him room and am honest with both of us, things will go the way they're supposed to.

I wish I didn't feel like I was betraying one of them by acknowledging that I love the other. I remind myself that that's not the case, and that I made them both aware of how I felt for them a long time ago. But I always wonder if I was even clear on my feelings for either of them then: when I feel like I am in a pressure cooker, the ONLY thing I am sure of is my desire, my need, my singleminded drive to create peace in my space. Nothing else in my sensory field is really cut and dried; may not even be on the table.

Anyway...
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  #35  
Old 03-23-2014, 04:16 AM
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Wink Need 2 Talk MORE

I find myself reaching out naturally to J lately. There is no one here to feel guilty about it toward. There's no need to temper it.

I want to have a H2H with him about HIS OWN absolute needs (if he knows them) in a committed relationship.

He has made it known to me that his door is open, literally and figuratively, and inferred that if I chose to try it again with him, he was more than willing. My attraction to and feelings for him have caused this to creep into my mind and daydreams recently.

I slept with him about a month ago. It was shortly after I told Z I was moving for a while. We were off, and things were back-and-forth blazing and cool; slicing and tender; hard, fast, backhanded verbal swings intended to cut and then tears on both ends the next minute. It sucked. But that's how he handles things like this. He said he needed space and we could be friends, but he needed some time to himself to adjust. He said this verbally, and then his actions proved it over the next couple weeks. He was done with me sexually, he needed to get his head right for when things would change so much because of the geographical distance between us. He even told me (albeit sarcastically, I'm sure) to "go get your J on". (No, I didn't EVEN take it at face value. I know him better. Besides, it's not like I was waiting on that verbal permission.) What I think DID change my mind about NOT sleeping with J was Z's changed ways, words, and attitude for two weeks. He was showing me that he was done with us as sexual partners.

Then one evening I went out and had drinks with J. We actually loosened up and had a lot of silly fun together just drinking & talking. He got a little silly, which I don't see happen much. I stayed pretty together that night, but by the end of the night, my hormones and body were raging for him. He dropped me off at my place around midnight (I had to work in the morning and my mind still was not completely changed about keeping away from him sexually; it still felt a little like betraying Z), and gave me a short, sweet kiss; but I moved into it with all of me, and it turned into a deep, wet mouthfuck. It had been a long, long time between the two of us, and I wanted to strip naked with him and go at it slow with him all night until we slept, but I just was not. all. in. I'm glad I didn't then, but I did it several nights later - because I WAS all in and sure of it. And it wasn't a hallelujah chorus for either of us (lol) physically, but the phrase on both of our tongues after that was something about having "come full circle"; and that summed it up. It felt right, good, sweet, natural, and overdue.

Of course Z changed his mind about the sex between us a week or so after that, and while I faltered initially when he asked me if I'd been with someone else, I had to stop him a minute later to tell him, yeah, I'd been with J. And of course, he did a complete 180. Withdrawal, cold shoulder, so strange. (not really. i wasn't surprised.) So sad. I hurt so much. I left his place, went home, and cried my fucking self to sleep, then awake the next morning.

(You can't act like you're fucking done with me and then want sex with me weeks later but shut me out when I tell you I've done something I've told you I wanted and tried to discuss with you for three years now but stopped myself from doing for the sake of maintaining US, our bond, our relationship. You can't say the words "go do it" in sincerity a year ago, in sarcasm three weeks ago, and then get all twisted up and treat me like a lying whore when you show me you're done with me and then I go and do it. And you can't tell me that one night of a very sweet, peaceful, healing, overdue intimacy and connection with someone I care about, even if you don't, nulls and voids everything between you and I from beginning to end.)

Christ, that sucked. It took days, a week, of cyclical anger, shame, self- and other-flagellation (verbally), and ALL THAT NASTY SHIT (turmoil) for us both to reach understanding and a peaceful place with that. Even then, I had thought maybe it would happen again before I moved, but I couldn't handle even the thought of that kind of mess happening between me and Z again for the time being. I just laid low and cooled my jets. At some point J and I will talk about that if it needs to be talked about.

For now, THAT'S the kind of mess I don't want to engage in. I have ZERO desire to get intertwined with anybody new at this point, hands down. I'm content to be looking at it and thinking it over from a good distance.

But still - thoughts & feelings.... What to do next? Probably wait a month before I do ANYTHING. Seems smart.
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Old 05-04-2014, 10:43 PM
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Default next.

I just started a post and nixed it. Saved it elsewhere for later.

I'm not the best at making my thoughts flow verbally. Will work some on that. Blogs are always more inviting and easier to read when you can understand what the blogger is trying to communicate.

Z and I split. About three weeks ago, right before I headed home for a few days of business & visits with friends. Things were very rough and sad at first. By now they have evened out a little. We obviously haven't seen each other much in nearly two months, so we've both had time to disentangle a little and figure out what some of the next steps were in our separate lives...we just weren't for sure that we were going to lead such separate lives until the decision was made those weeks ago.

Technically, I was the one who called it off. I knew he didn't want to have anything to do with being in a poly relationship with me and J, my ex. Too much animosity between them, too much old shit and dirty water under the bridge. He'd told me before he wouldn't "play second fiddle" to J. I got the point.

I still wanted a relationship with J. Still had feelings and very much wanted to act on them, sexually and otherwise. Something had to give, I had to choose, even though I HATE making choices like that. Something I want very much vs. something else I want very much for/in similar but different reasons/ways? Yeah. Not good at that.

So, that's that. I miss Z a LOT sometimes - especially any time I head out to do something fun, I really feel the absence of that guy. He'd been my closest friend and partner, in love and crime and fun and both low & high times, and everything else, for nearly four years now. Detangling and detaching is a longish process for me, and I probably never do it completely. I'm okay, but it'll be a while before it's not weird between us or hard for me. Can't speak for him but I think he's doing well, for which I'm honestly glad. I don't want to know too much or think about too much right now. I get lost in that shit and then I'm crying.

We still talk (text) every couple of days. It's okay. Sometimes it gets weird. It's pretty superficial...he assumes more than he knows about how I feel and what I'm doing (apparently that's been the case the whole time), and I refuse to talk about things as long as he's laying what I feel are minefield assumptions. We both saw what we wanted to see in/about the relationship and possibilities for it. He deals with this stuff differently than I do. He's always enjoyed debating and arguing.

I don't need to take any bait. I don't need to own anyone else's anything right now. Yup, I fucked up some in our relationship. Maybe I should never have given this one a chance, based on my initial feelings. But from that chance grew some really good stuff, IMO. Some things I loved and wanted to preserve. I've fucked some stuff up in every relationship I've ever been in. He's no different. We see it all through different lenses. We DO see what we want to see.

I can flagellate myself for the things I feel I did wrong and wallow in the sad thoughts and memories and then kick myself more for the things I think he feels I did wrong. Or I can own what I did and go on living my life. Try to always learn from my up-fuckings and keep going.

More steps in the directions I want to go in my short life.

Spent some time with J after all that, when I was home, and talked some about how we each felt for each other at this point. Know I need some time to orient and get more solid. Not jump into something or deceive him, myself, or someone else out of reaction to my sadness or loneliness when either creeps up and tries to swallow me.

I'm okay. Appreciative. Trying to meditate regularly - can't tell you how much the monkey mind has helped me get where I find myself now =/ - and keep my mind clear, focus on things and mindsets that will bring positive things to me and those in my life. Difficult to control that ol' mind.

Hoping the best for Z. Time to focus on the rest of what's right in front of me, all the things that that contains.

Here's to everyone having a good week. *clink*
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Old 05-04-2014, 11:34 PM
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Default some other stuff.

Z said in a text recently that he hoped honestly for "no more pretending needed between us, ever."

He thinks he's witnessed me "pretending" feelings for him, whether occasionally or this whole time.

Huh??

So now... I'm pretending that I don't want to talk to him as much as we used to, and that it's natural not to call him by the "pet" or nicknames we found for each other.

Just weirdness... =/ I hope someday we'll see this stuff eye to eye.

Don't know if I should try writing him a long letter or not. Feel like I might oughta wait a while. Don't want to drop the ball on something that needs to be done to preserve a friendship, but I don't know if he's just pissed with me in general right now and in a mindset to where it'd only be adding fuel to a fire if I tried to say more, explain further, whatever.
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Old 05-06-2014, 02:50 AM
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Default Okay, then.

I think a lot of my posts have less to do with poly in particular and more to do with me and my life, its rhythms and discoveries and dramas. So...I'm deciding that that's okay.

A few weeks ago, I did find a book I was looking for at a used bookstore *joy!*, "Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. Lemme just say, great book! Usually when I get a book, I thumb through the contents and then flip through the parts of it that draw or intrigue me most. Well, the whole book is sucking me in, but initially and now, Chapter 6 is speaking to me.. . . . . . . .

Yesterday wasn't the most fun of days. I'd had a girlfriend (not sexual) here for the weekend from home, a beautiful artist with her own fucked-upness similar to mine, and we had great times - including jazz at a spanish restaurant downtown until late, then coming back to my place for red wine and olives and hummus in the livingroom floor til past 2am, talking, relating, laughing, and letting the good energy run both ways up & down our connection. Anyway, she was here most of the weekend until she left yesterday morning to go back home. Although I like and make my solitude, it was good to share and I found my little nest feeling empty later that afternoon. Seeing her car pull away down my drive brought back memories of the last familiar vehicle to do the same - Z's pickup - as I stood there wondering when or if we'd ever be that close again. Bittersweet...brought tears up from my heart to my eyes that stung a little.

Like I said in my last post, I know my hormones are kicking and my cycle is about to start. The signs were all there yesterday, including a more negative outlook, a want to hunker down and isolate in my nest with a bowl of soup and just sleep and be held, etc...all that non-energetic and mostly less than positive stuff.

I nestled myself into bed earlier than usual and just stayed up writing and reading; getting all kinds of things out and putting positive and good things in as much as I could. I reached out to a couple of supportive friends over the phone, and just hearing their voices soothed me some. I fell asleep relatively early, but I slept hard for probably 11 hours - good, deep, restful sleep - and apparently I needed it after having three long days & late nights of fun with PoetGirl. I woke up this morning feeling much more solid, refreshed, on-track, positive, and self-assured than I'd felt in days.

I made my coffee and sat down at my desk with my journal and the "Feel The Fear" book, already having made and mentally arranged my to-do list for the day. Chapter 6....it was talking to me. I reread, then I began journalling, sure of some things.

Here are some quotes/passages that stuck out to me:

"One of the reasons we react so hostilely when others don't support us is our need for approval. Whenever we get upset at the comments of loved ones, it is a clue that we are still acting like a child. Guilt is another clue. Guilt and hostility often mask our anger at ourselves and others for our not being able to break unhealthy ties with loved ones."

Okay, that's me. I needed Z's approval to move in about any direction. I needed J's before that. I look for the approval of friends, authority figures, my father, even acquaintances. I've been guilty of wanting other people to show me what/who they want me to be so that I can play that role, hopefully (subconsciously?) in exchange for their willingness to become who/what or take on the role/s that I need them to take on reciprocally.

"Your need to please shows you what you have to work on - and that is: letting go emotionally of the role of child and stepping into the role of adult. As difficult as it can be, cutting childlike relationships with others and substituting more responsible ones allow you to act much more lovingly toward other people in your life. It is a paradox: The less you need someone's approval, the more you are able to love them."

"Saying goodbye to the old (childish) relationship usually requires that we go through grief until the old door is closed and the new one is opened. We are, in effect, grieving for the end of an era. The emerging era, however, brings much more satisfaction with it."

"Usually inner strength is respected - we get back what we put out."

"The most important thing is for you to be your own best friend. Whatever you are doing - don't put yourself down. Slowly begin to discover which, for you, is the path of the heart. Which path in life will make you grow? That is the path to take."

I re-read this whole chapter and wrote out some of the feelings and realizations it was bringing up in me, things that have been keeping me stuck for longer than just the length of this or that particular relationship. For, like...decades. I'm early thirties, and so many of my decisions have been made by the small-child side of me who still fears lack of love and still values survival above all else, thinking she has to stay in control to do so. Not true anymore, kiddo. And someone needs to show you that, prove it to you. Show you good so you quit worrying about it and trying to step in and do that. Me *hand up*, I gotta be that someone.

After that and a little more reflection and resolution, I went on about my day, and it went very, very well. Got some work done (which, once I emailed the finished results to them, my co-workers wound up loving - one of the big projects is well on its way to being done as a result of our group efforts), went into town and had a beer and a good meal, met a couple of real cool people there (whom I might meet up with for music tomorrow night at a place I haven't tried yet), and grabbed toilet paper on the way out of town back to my little cabin. Made a couple of phone calls from just a ways up my mountain (for good phone reception) to connect with loved ones as the sun was setting down past the walls of the canyon I presently claim, and came indoors for the evening to light some incense and write this. Chill out before bed.

Feel like I lived wide-open today, as PoetGirl told me.

I've decided to think about staying through the summer and fall here in this enchanting little place, instead of just through early summer, per the original plan.

Felt very good. I aim to make tomorrow good as well.

Peace, friends.
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Old 05-07-2014, 07:27 AM
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BlackMagicBlonde BlackMagicBlonde is offline
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Z and I talked several times on the phone today, not knowing necessarily where to leave it, what with closing the door on being lovers, being more distant than "close friends," and my want to explore what is still there between myself and J.

I thought it was okay leaving things "in space."

He called me later this evening, and I stepped out on the patio of the establishment I was in to call him back. Told me that he felt like it was something he could do that was good/loving for both me and J, and better for him (Z), if I not contact him outside of a personal emergency or if I "need" him.

I told him that the reciprocate applies; when and if he ever needs me, he need not hesitate - no matter the circumstance, I will come running, and all the forces of love and care behind me. He knows.

I ask him if he's doing this for me, or if he's doing this because it's what he wants.

"Both."

Okay.

Tears in my eyes, I understand, accept, and respect his decision.

A goodbye that echoes off canyon walls never before reached, and I wonder when I will ever hear from him again. My tears spill over for a few minutes. I love this man like a brother, and he's been my best friend for 4+ years. I know he is wise as well and knows what he needs most for himself, even as I have been making the decisions that I need to make for me.

I go back and make the best of the night. I sit in with the band in this new place, and people come to me afterward and tell me they've loved it. It's a good night. Most of all though, I miss my friend; my heart.

Ugh. Being human is hard. Loving is hard.

So what. We step up to the plate and do it again; further. Such is the balls-to-the-wall blessing of being human.

Amen. Selah. Source and all gods bless my heart's companion on his travels from here on out. I love him so much.
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Old 05-09-2014, 02:47 AM
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It seems so crazy to me that we have to turn our backs on people, that we can't be friends after sharing so much love and life together. I get pretty incredulous about it sometimes. But I guess some people just can't handle all the feelings. I never understood the all or nothing mentality.

But I guess that's the pattern we have been shown. Exploit the differences. And then be expected to start over again. Yes the human condition is a real conundrum isn't it? And these resilient hearts we have, bending and breaking to love again, anew. I look forward to it, in good time.

Sounds like you have created a new beginning for yourself. I salute your self reliance and actualization. Well done
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