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Old 03-23-2014, 12:13 AM
Kernow Kernow is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 43
Default Adapting to change

I'm feeling a bit confused today because I am trying to adapt to new ideas, no doubt I will sort things out in my head in due course, but I would be interested in your thoughts (please don't be too hard on me, the last few years have been quite a steep learning curve).

My husband is poly, that's just the way he is and now that I understand more about it I have no problem with it; he is who he is. He and I have been together for ten years, his other partner C has been in his life for over four years. When I found out about and accepted the poly, I expected that it wouldn't involve me much, in my head it was just a case of sharing him. It didn't work out like that, C and I quickly became very close fiends. C is bisexual but I am straight or at least I thought I was. In time it just evolved that the three of us were involved, we spend time all together and we see each other individually. The physical side of things is important but it is not the most important part of the relationship. We have continued happily like this for almost 4 years.

In the past my husband has had occasional 'dates' as well which I am okay about as long as he is honest about it. C is less comfortable about this sort of thing, but she has agreed to it once or twice. My husband and C are into bdsm but I'm not, except in a very minor way. Today he told me that he wants to play with an acquaintance on a one off or very occasional basis. I have met her briefly once or twice and after asking him a couple of questions I am okay about it. I made it clear that C has to know and agree too, I am not willing to hide anything from her. He understands that, but what he said next left me totally shocked; he wants me to go and watch! My first reaction was to say no, that it is outside my comfort zone and not something I want or need to be part of. He accepts that it is my decision (he has never pushed me into anything) but he asked me to think it over for a few days.

I guess a little bit of me is worried about upsetting the balance of what we have for something relatively unimportant, but that is not a big worry. C and I decided long ago that our friendship/relationship would continue even if things end with my husband and C. Each of us is free to pursue other interests if we want to so I'm certainly not going to stand in the way of that. In a way it is quite nice that he wanted to include me and it wouldn't be such a big deal to do what he wanted, but my instinct is still to say no. I think my real objection is that I don't want to take responsibility for this other person, and if he wants this it is up to him to negotiate it with C. I don't want the responsibility of being the one who everyone depends on. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. I think the best thing I can do is park it at the back of my mind for a few days and give myself time to think it through.
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