Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #71  
Old 04-11-2010, 11:33 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,349
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KatTails View Post
Maca and LR - thank you so much for sharing your story. Maca, you really gave me a lot to think about.......
My husbands GF and I did go out last night - and it went great!
KT-
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!
That is EXCELLENT. I imagine it was very nerve-racking to prepare for, but the two of you making peace is undoubtedly one of the MOST loving thing you could possibly do in your life!!!

I seriously hope that he told or tells you just how much that meant to him.

I know I try very hard to remind Maca OFTEN that it means THE WORLD to me that he is trying so hard to build a friendship with GG. Each time I see them talk to each other in friendly conversation, make a meal together, watch a movie or play a game together, my heart swells and I feel like I just could never deserve the love that I recieve from them.

Keep talking to her.

One other suggestion-the next time you are feeling a jealousy moment-text her. Seriously-text her and just say-I was feeling a little insecure and I was hoping you might have that perfect little word to help me out.

One of the things that would make your lives so much smoother is if you and she could support one another a little, that way he isn't always doing it, taking away from either of you.

If I got a text like that from Maca or GG's girlfriend (this is imaginary as of yet neither of them have one), I would text her back a big hug and ask her when our next "date" night was going to be. Not "date" like couplehood-date like go dancing or dinner or whatever we girls enjoyed doing as friends. Just so she would know that she is a worthy and valuable person too, a person I admire and respect too.

If you and she can start showing one another that each other IS valuable and special and important, you will each feel less loss....
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #72  
Old 04-12-2010, 01:42 PM
KatTails's Avatar
KatTails KatTails is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 374
Default

Angsty - that is the best way to explain how I am feeling today. I guess there's a little bit of insecurity mixed in - I just don't know why. My husband and I had a great weekend, GF and I went to dinner and had a very nice and productive talk and we texted back and forth a little yesterday. So why am I feeling like this? It's really hard to analyze your feelings - and it's frustrating when YOU don't even know the answer! I'm trying to figure it out myself and not worry my love about it - he has enough stress right now. Luckily I have a counseling appointment this afternoon - hopefully she can help me figure it out. I HATE feeling like this - it sucks!

LR - thank you so much for your support, it means a lot! I was a nervous wreck before going to meet her. I felt like I was getting ready for a date. She is a very strong personality and I am very intimidated by her. But once we started drinking our wine and talking I found myself getting more comfortable. It's still really uncomfortable sitting with MY husbands girlfriend talking about things - I don't know if I will ever be 100% comfortable with it. It's a weird concept to get used to.

As for your suggestion to text GF for her support - I understand where you are coming from but Im not sure that is the best thing right now. She has offered in the past but I don't feel comfortable doing that. Some of the things that cause me insecurity or jealousy are things that she would consider ridiculous and catty. And, while to me they feel like huge issues, they do tend to go away in a few days so I don't want to turn them into big issues unnecessarily. Plus, I think that would only cause her stress and guilt. Maybe eventually we'll get to that point. She did text me Saturday night to see if they could go out this Friday or if we had plans (sometimes he has no idea what our plans are.) We both realize that he doesn't always think things through before he makes plans. The two biggest fights that they had and that him and I had were when he thought one thing and her and I thought the other. We have agreed to try to check in with each other more regarding plans and I'm hoping that helps alleviate any fights or hurt feelings.

Her and I still see some issues differently and feel more compromising needs to be done, but we don't agree on who needs to be compromising. We have come a far way but we still have a long way to go. Now that I think about it - I think that is where some of my current feelings are coming from. Hmmmm? I'll need to think about this some more.

Have a great day everyone! Kat
Reply With Quote
  #73  
Old 04-12-2010, 01:56 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KatTails View Post
............ I couldn't agree more with you about boundaries - I think they are important to the primary relationship, especially in a situation like mine where I am mono and husband is poly. I think there are just limits that need to be respected. It's about everyone being comfortable. If boundaries help any of the people involved to feel that way - then they shouldn't be questioned.
Hey Kat,

The subject of boundaries comes up a lot it seems.
And although I agree to some small degree with your claim above about them being "respected" I think it's even more important that they be "understood".
Remember that many (if not most) boundaries are a shield. A shield around fear. Ideally everyone simply acknowledges this honestly and openly AND agrees that the objective is for these shields to no longer be necessary. And that everyone ACTIVELY engage in building all the trust and warm feelings that will dissolve these boundaries.

If you don't do that - and work toward that - then these "boundaries" can become a control tool and a source of manipulation. Control and manipulation soon undermine any relationship - even friendship.

You have a "boundary" ? Ok. No Problem. For now....
You want to KEEP that boundary ? Then you better have a very good, clear reason you can explain, with illustrations, of why it's necessary and how it's not be used as a manipulative tool to shield insecurity or a fragile ego. And a plan for how you are going to make it go away if that's the case. And everyone agrees to help you in that process.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #74  
Old 04-12-2010, 05:05 PM
KatTails's Avatar
KatTails KatTails is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 374
Unhappy

GS - I understand what you are saying about boundaries and I do agree to some extent. Boundaries should not be used to control. I have done that in the past. Not so much to totally control the situation - but to avoid being hurt. GF gave my husband a ring 5 months into their relationship. He wanted to wear it all of the time and I didn't want him to because it was a constant reminder to me that she is in his life. My husband agreed not to wear the ring when he was around me, which was really only on the weekends, but he eventually started to resent me for it. I eventually gave in, which I have done many times, because I didn't want to fight with him about it. Now - it's not a big deal. I can rub or hold his hand and I don't think about the ring or her. What was once a huge issue for me, isn't anymore.

However, the issue we are having now is much more complicated. She wants more of a committment from my husband. She wants to start meeting his (our) friends and family - and I am NOT okay with this. I have said it before - once we tell people, we can never take it back and it will FOREVER change the way they look at and think about him. I understand and accept that they love each other - but I don't think this is worth forever losing his friends and families respect. I love him too much to allow that to happen. I am thinking about him and our children - it's too much of a risk. She is married and her husband knows about their relationship, but does not want to know any details about this. He has met my husband many times, but has no idea that he is the BF. Their relationship, because of it's very nature, is limited. I feel like she wants the same level of committment from my husband after one year, that I have after 19. They both want me to compromise on this and I feel that I am the only one making compromises. Throughout this whole year, they have wanted more and more and I have had to give in to avoid fights. How much more of my life should I be expected to compromise? My husband has a girlfriend, he wears her ring, they go out on dates, they have overnights, they will eventually go away for a weekend, he spends our money on her - these are all compromises I have made to make my husband happy. When is enough, enough? When do I actually get a say in how much is too much for me? At what point do I deserve to say that I draw the line at meeting friends and family?

I am not setting this boundary as a way to control their relationship. It is what it is. She is here, they love each other - I am not trying to stop or change that. I am doing it to protect my husband and my family. As his wife, what they do does affect me and I feel I should be respected and given a say in what happens in my life. If she wants him to meet her friends and family - that is between her and her husband. This is between me and my husband. I read somewhere that you have to play to the level of the least comfortable person. I am not comfortable with this - and my feelings should be respected instead of forcing me into compromising once again. Compromising has to be done by all of us, not just me.

Sorry for ranting - I am just very stressed and frustrated by all of this. I guess this is where all of my angst and insecurities are coming from today.

Thanks - Kat
Reply With Quote
  #75  
Old 04-12-2010, 07:23 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,349
Default

Kat,

Often times with time and consideration the solutions for "compromise" come clear.

I got an email last night from a friend-whose husband REALLY needs to start an official blog. In it was an essay of sorts he'd written.

Something he said in there is a concept that would really help almost EVERY person who is unhappy. He said I could quote it-so I'm going to include that quote here........

Polynerdist:
Quote:
It's a matter of what we focus on. If we focus on the negative, we will see it everywhere. (Remember when you bought a new car, and all of a sudden started noticing the same car everywhere? That's the power of focus.) On the other hand, if we chose to adopt a positive interpretation, we will start to look for, and therefore notice, the positive in our lives in all kinds of small and large ways. This positive expectation in turn motivates us to work harder in our lives, which creates results, which reinforces our positive expectations.

You are doing a great job-and it's showing.
Just remember when those anxieties, fears, concerns show up, look for the positive possibilities. Not JUST the one possibility that you would prefer but ALL of the positive possibilities and seek to reinforce them.

As for my suggestion-also, remember the world isn't black and white, you can do something in between "yes" and "no" and it will help foster an environment more accepting of what you are looking for.

Example, you don't need to text her that you are feeling insecure and why. You could text and just say "hey I just needed to hear a kind word from a friendly person."
No guilt, no details, no major expense.

I have acquaintances that I do that with-we don't talk a lot and we wouldn't identify as "good friends". But when we hit a bump in the road we'll email or text that and the other will always respond with some positive thought.
It might be, "You know you are a beautiful person!" or it might be "God is smiling down on you today." or it might be "Turn on your radio, sing in the shower, you have a beautiful voice that when singing gives you power!"

The details aren't what is most important, it's the reassurance that makes a difference.

Also-you can do it without being asked. I do that a lot. Send an arbitrary positive message out to someone, just because. You could do that and set the stage for more in doing so.

Just make a point every time you feel insecure or emotional to send her a positive text message. You might consider picking 4-6 people you don't normally do that with-and making it a goal that every time you start feeling down you send them all a positive text.

It's flat amazing how fast your mood improves when you put your mind on the positive AND when you put your mind on making other people feel good. It's like a boomarang, those feelings just come flying back around!!!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #76  
Old 04-12-2010, 07:30 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Your friends husband, whether or not he even knows it, is practicing something call the "law of attraction" or at least small part of it. Positive bring positive, negative brings negative. Focus on what you want and/or the positive and good things happen. At least thats my understanding of it

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_of_Attraction
http://www.law-of-attraction-guide.com/

A friend of mine is a real advocate. I find myself dwelling on what I had or could have had, gaining this kind of focus helps sometimes
Reply With Quote
  #77  
Old 04-12-2010, 07:35 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,349
Default

Compromising does have to be done by all.
You have the right (as do either of them) to put your foot down at any time, but understanding that doing so may terminate the role of whoever puts their foot down.
Not being cocky-only realistic.

I happen to agree on the meeting friends/family thing. I TRULY believe that the effort right now needs to be on you and she being friends. It sounds like your "date" was GREAT progress to that end. But obviously it's not there, you can't feel comfortable telling her your honest feelings as they arrive-which is ok, but it does show there is more work to do in your relationship.

When YOU can invite her along and feel comfortable because she's your friend-that will be the point for introductions. Even if you are NERVOUS-when you can honestly call her your friend-that's the time.

It does however behoove you to understand, when you ask "how far" do you have to compromise, give in, where does it end. They are in love KT-..... how far did you want to go when you fell in love? That's how far they want to go.
I'm NOT saying this to hurt you. I'm only saying it, because you asked.

Maca, we talked some on this last night. He found a diary he wrote in 6 years ago. In it he was listing his "demands" for us to remain married after my affair with current bf.
I read it last night also-and honestly, I feel like what he wrote was reasonable, even though it was impossible for ME to meet, it was reasonable for him to want.

He on the otherhand said, "Oh my God. I can't believe I said those things. I can't believe I didn't listen."

See-he fully understands now what he only intellectually grasped then. I am IN LOVE WITH BOTH HE AND GG. He understands now that the look on my face when I hold him in my arms, the one that tells him I think he's beautiful, sexy. The one that says I need him, that I trust him, that I want him. The one that says I see forever in his eyes-
That's the same look on my face when I look at GG. Because I AM in love with BOTH of them.

Back then he could say "I know you love him" but he didn't really put himself in the position of considering what that really MEANS.

It means I DO want GG too.
It means I need GG too.
It means I miss GG every minute that we're separated.
It means I long for GG too.
It means that when my world is falling apart and I reach up both my hands in desperation-I want to feel BOTH of them reach down to save me from whatever attack I'm under.
It means that I want my life intertwined with GG's too..

It's NOT that I don't respect the time we have together-somewhat diffferent than your situation, but it means that I want to have just as many years ahead with Maca as with GG.

It's not that I don't respect that I married Maca.
It means that if laws were no issue, I would marry them both.

It means that all of the things about my relationship with Maca that I hold precious in my heart, either are, or I hope someday they will be duplicated with GG.
Not identical moments-just that many precious moments of our own.....
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #78  
Old 04-13-2010, 01:28 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 119
Default Putting in my opinion for KT

KT
First off let me say that I am so proud of you for taking the time to get to know the GF better. I know it is hard. Once again I see things on your posts that I say myself. I can talk to her and spend time with her but I don't feel comfortable either telling her when I am insecure or unhappy or having a down day. She starts feeling guilty and in return she gives husband a hard time for how bad she feels for hurting me. I don't like that coming back to him because then he has to deal with my pain and her dramatics.
LR
I love your advice about sending out positive texts when we are having a hard day and feeling depressed and upset. I think I am going to give that a shot the next time I have one. Where was that advice this past weekend! I was going through my own little piece of hell.
Back to KT
I understand completely about the compromising. I have come back from my husband cheating, one of his cheating partners being his current gf.I have agreed to stick with him despite the trust that has been torn away. I sometimes feel like I am the one being not trusted because he gets so worried that I am going to leave him even though I am not doing anything. He freaks out if I go out with some friends and has even said that while he loves that we are friends and doesn't mind us texting he doesn't feel comfy with her and I hitting the clubs together or going out to dinner because he is afraid of her talking me into having random flings with guys. Irrational fears basically. Anyway I got off the topic. Sorry.
I have talked with husband about your situation, I hope you don't mind. And sorry LR but I don't necessarily agree with the introduction thing and neither does he. Husband loves J and loves me. But he does recognize that their are children and some rather difficult issues at hand. Some people have family that would never accept this lifestyle. We both know that our families would never take it. His brothers know. That is it. And as I have said before I am not happy about that because I kind of feel ganged up on even though I know they would never treat me that way. Both families are extremely religious in the most bible thumping sort of way. My mother boycotts anything with Ellen DeGeneres as it is. I think you need to access your own situation. The GF needs to understand that you need your family and friends for you and not for her to interfere on safe territory for you. You need something to fall back on with hard days. Some sort of escape. If everyone knows, and they don't accept it, then that is all they will concentrate on for a very long time. There is no escaping it or clearing your mind from it when you need a break. Because that will be on everyones mind.
Husband and I have agreed not to tell anyone. His brothers do understand he has a GF, they know that I know about her. They do not know who she is nor will they ever know. I want my family left for me. If she is ever introduced to them it will simply be as a friend and never as anything else.
I am sorry if I stepped on any toes but that is what husband and I have come up with and how we feel about that kind of situation.
Boundaries and being comfortable is very important. Not to be controlling but for those of us who are mono and are doing everything in our power to accept this lifestyle that we did not choose need something for ourselves. Our polys have their other SO. I know I need my family and home for me and me alone.
Reply With Quote
  #79  
Old 04-13-2010, 01:33 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,349
Default

Ak-

I think that you misunderstood what I meant about the introduction thing.
I'm not saying that once KT feels comfortable they SHOULD introduce her to everyone.
I'm saying that it should not be an OPTION until KT feels comfortable with her relationship with the GF.

I think that it is wrong for the gf to feel like she DESERVES to build relationships with anyone in his life-until she's built the relationship with his wife.

Sorry if I said it in a confusing way!
Sometimes there is so much on my mind I get to rambling!
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #80  
Old 04-13-2010, 01:44 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 119
Default A Really Hard Weekend

I just wanted to get out that I have also had some hard feeling this past weekend and I am not sure why. This past week has been an emotional rollercoaster.
Husband and J were suppose to have some time together back on Tuesday. But then J's husband got called off of work and if that happens then husband cant come over which really frustrated him. So instead he came home to me and while I know he tried to hide it, he really wanted to be with her that night. Wednesday comes along and they end up in some sort of argument which leads to husband going over to her house to work things out. J's husband was at work this time obviously. Well they of course have rather intense make up sex. It was a very unplanned night and as much as I tried not to think harshly toward her I know she likes her "punishment sex" and let it sit in my mind that she might have picked a fight on purpose to manipulate the situation since they missed their original night. She knew because he hadn't planned it with me ahead of time he wouldn't have come over otherwise.
Then there was the good night on Thursday when she came over and the three of us had some time together.
Well I usually count on some alone time with husband the night before and after he spends with the three of us or J alone. I didn't get that this week and it ate at me very horribly. She took my night before. And the night after we were so wrapped up in oil changes and taxes that we didn't have that either. By the time we finally had time two days later I was an emotional wreck and spent the next two days crying and melting down and freaking out. I just felt the pain spread through me like cancer and at some points I thought I was going to die from it. I know he tries but husband doesn't exactlly have great tact. He found bad moments to discuss some problems we were having in bed that he would prefer I do better. I add this to his "gush time" where he talked about his make up sex with his girlfriend and him being disappointed about coming home to me instead of being with her and my insecurities and fears just magnified to a whole new level. He knew nothing was coming out right and he tried to smooth things over. We spent the entire four hour drive to Cleveland, OH and entire four hour drive back with me upset and having horribly mood swings.
I don't know how to make those times stop quickly. I just got so out of control jealous and upset. The day they had their fight and he went to her I was already having an insecure day. And I was all ready to talk to him about it when he got home. But then they fought and he went to her and I had to wait and it built instead. I didn't want to add to his stress by telling him I needed him here with me. I knew they needed to clear up their own problems first.
I am doing better now but I am afraid of next time. I don't know how to stop the freak outs and bad days. I can't talk to her. She just takes it to him and gives him a hard time. He doesn't need that. I can't talk to my friends and family. No one knows and they would never understand. They would just see husband as an evil asshole and me the victim. I am not a victim, I am a wife trying to support her husband. I can't go to his brothers, they side with him, no matter what. Thick and thin. And one of his brothers is actually an asshole who would use this against me.
I just needed to vent about my weekend. I went on a long run today through the state forest. It was perfect and i really needed it. but for times when i can't run away to the woods, such as being stuck on an 8 hour car ride, how do i get past this when I feel myself loosing control. I hate driving him nuts and yet I just can't seem to get control of myself.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
jealousy

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:47 AM.