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  #11  
Old 03-20-2014, 02:10 PM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What makes it hard to let the guilt go? You thinking you "should" this or that?
This is a good question and I don't have an answer to it yet. I suppose it has to do with feeling that I'm always the difficult one and that is because no-one, not even me, has understood why I do and experience things in such a different way from others. There are so many ways I've learned to think I'm not as good as others, and unlearning those has been a real challenge. Being able to identify myself as very likely being an aspergers person has made lot of things easier. But I suppose there's still old baggage.

Edit. I replyed to London earlier, but the message didn't show up. Let's see if it got stuck in the moderation process or if it's lost.

Last edited by copperhead; 03-20-2014 at 02:15 PM.
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  #12  
Old 03-21-2014, 11:57 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Tomorrow I'm hosting a small party for som poly people and Salamander and Sunflower will both be there. I hope that to see them in a neutral situation like this will help me get used to the idea of them being together. I've tried imagining different kinds of situations and to feel ok about them, just to sort of prepare myself so that there wouldn't actually be anything new down the road at some point, even if everything actually is. This is something that usually helps me, visualizing stuff and preparing for different situations. I hope it works this time too.
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  #13  
Old 03-21-2014, 01:46 PM
london london is offline
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One thing I find difficult is that what might be disrespectful to me might not translate as disrespectful to others. I find that people tend to blame it on my autism whereas they'd be more inclined to tow that boundary regardless of their personal feelings on it if I wasn't autistic.
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  #14  
Old 03-21-2014, 03:12 PM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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I find that people tend to blame it on my autism whereas they'd be more inclined to tow that boundary regardless of their personal feelings on it if I wasn't autistic.
Can you elaborate or give an example. I feel like I don't understand what you mean (might be a language problem). Also did you notice my earlier reply to you? It appeared at some point in the middle of the thread.

But yes, it's often hard to communicate because it seems that the way I communicate differs so much from the way others do. And my actions are often given meanings I didn't intend (usually negative), because those meanings would have been there if someone else did the same thing. (And I'm left wondering how much negative subtext there actually is in everyday communication that I'm not aware of…)

I'm glad that we have talked about autism spectrum disorders with Salamander and he seems to understand me better than most people. He thinks he's not quite neurotypical either, so I'm sure that helps.
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  #15  
Old 03-21-2014, 03:46 PM
tenK tenK is offline
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To consider the flip side of that last point by London: OP, none of the feelings and worries you have described seem that unusual to me. It is not uncommon for there to be one person 'slower' than the rest of the group in moving through their issues and fears - certainly, that's very much the case in my world! I know that having Asperger's will undoubtedly make your life harder in many ways (I have close family members with it, and both really struggle with new experiences), but it might help you to realise that essentially most people struggle with change. Try to avoid the tendency to pathologise yourself too much. I'm not trying to be flippant here, but it might help to realise that this is a NORMAL reaction for a poly newbie. It may well be made more difficult by the unique way your Aspy brain sees the world, but the Asperger's itself is not necessarily the problem here. I think as long as you are clearly articulating your concerns to your partner, and explaining why you need the extra time, you will be just fine. You have to find your own balance between a speed that you find comfortable, and a speed that works for the others too. That's not an Asperger's problem - it's a human problem. Don't let it hold you back. We are all unique in our psychological make-up - we all need things to be a certain way to a greater or lesser extent. Knowing how you yourself work, and then sharing that knowledge with those nearest and dearest to you, is the single best way you can learn how to handle this.
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  #16  
Old 03-21-2014, 05:08 PM
london london is offline
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Building on what tenK said, I feel others often talk about whatever issue I'm having as though it's just me being autistic. I'm sure sometimes it is but in a relationship both parties intend to continue, it's kind of irrelevant. Eg. It doesn't matter if my irrational fear of germs is why I don't want to see my partner fresh from a date with someone else or its because I'm bad at poly, we need to find a solution that works for everyone to move forward.

When it isn't about me being autistic but is normal human wobbles, people can overlook that and even sort of keep doing something wrong whilst trying to convince me I'm misinterpreting the situation. It takes longer to convince people to reexamine their behaviour once they know yours is influenced by autism.
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  #17  
Old 03-21-2014, 05:19 PM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by copperhead View Post
London, nice to hear that I'm not alone, but sorry to hear things have been hard for you.

Ok, so if I accept that I need to take things slowly (and other people accept this too), then what does this actually mean? One thing about being an aspie is that things don't generalize that easily. So will I have to go through this chaos every time either one of us meets someone new? Or will the newness wear off eventually? And how long would that take… For example I have two children 9 and 5 years old, and this year was the first one when I didn't stress about their birthdays (even when surprising things happened). And what I used to stress was the unfamiliarity of the situation. If we'd move, I propably would start to stress again.

But I'm not one to give up or to avoid scary emotions. I just wonder how much will I have to work to be able to actually live the life I want.
I just saw this.

Um, it's hard to know. You can only prepare as much as you can and learn on the way. Maybe my partner can answer this better.
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  #18  
Old 03-21-2014, 07:03 PM
Kernow Kernow is offline
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I just saw your thread. I'm not sure if I can answer your specific questions but as I am in a poly relationship with an Aspie partner (my husband) I thought it may help to share our experience.

My husband R and I have been together for 10 years and he has had a relationship with C for 4 years. He is the one who is more hard wired to poly, I intended to accept his poly identity rather than to become involved in any way myself. However things have worked our very differently and I am very happy if somewhat surprised by our arrangement.

He is the one who really wanted the poly relationship yet he was very scared by it and there have been times when he needed to go painfully slowly, partly because he is not good at change, but I think mostly because he was terrified of messing up and losing one or both of us. He is not a great communicator especially when it comes to stuff about emotions and relationships, there are times when I feel able to push him a bit to deal with the emotional stuff and there are other times when I know that I have to let him work things out in his own way and his own time.

There have been other times when he is the one who has rushed us into things that we hadn't really discussed or agreed beforehand. I think it works because C and I are very close, we talk daily, we both love him and he is happy for us to talk things through without him as long as we don't expect him to deal with too many discussions about 'feelings' and about what we are or are not comfortable with.

C is less resilient than me and less used to Aspergers (I have a family member with Aspergers) so there have been times when she has relied on me to help her understand his moods and reactions. We still have to deal with upsets and meltdowns and there are times when he gets things horribly wrong, but that is not such a big deal. We care about him, the Aspergers is part of who he is and why we love him. He puts up with our peculiarities and odd little ways so why on earth should we think less of him because he has Aspergers.

We don't have many rules. Just that we will be honest and open with each other, and that we will be safe. There are no rules for poly relationships except the ones that you make between yourselves, so there is no right and wrong way to do things. Never feel guilty for being honest about your needs, good poly relationships depend on honesty and give and take, we all struggle sometimes.
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  #19  
Old 03-22-2014, 06:25 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Thank you all for your wise words. I feel I need to think about them a bit before answering anything. But yes, I'm aware of having all the normal reactions as well (exept for the one where I'd be ok with everything. This one seems normal among the people I hang out with.) And I've also had my reactions be labelled as "just something" even when I've tried to explain what's going on. It's really frustrating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kernow View Post
We don't have many rules. Just that we will be honest and open with each other, and that we will be safe.
How has this worked for you? Was it difficult in the beginning? I feel like no rules=chaos=something unknown=new--> and the fear of new and unexplained alreade crept up on me from just the thought. I don't like to make (too many) rules. But how can we turn this unfamiliar situation into a familiar one without them? This morning I tried to imagine new situations and be ok with them, but I felt the white noise fill my head after a short while and had to stop for now.
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  #20  
Old 03-22-2014, 06:44 AM
copperhead copperhead is offline
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Ok, what I feel is the central problem now is this: I have to somehow be able to analyze where one kind of reaction (norman newbie reaction) ends and where the other kind starts (aspergers). But it's hard, because they can look alike. They certainly do from the outside, but sometimes they also feel the same. And like I read, I can't trust my emotions, which kind of freaked me out, since it adds one more unclear element to the situation that already has too much change, new elements and unclear things in it.

This is my question now (and I don't really expect anyone else to have an answer to it, but feel free to say, if you do):

- How do I know that the fear of change and new things is gone and the rest of my anxiety is normal newbie issues?

I feel like it would be really easy to get stuck on this explanation and keep sayin it's all too new when actually I'd just be nervous or something. I don't want that to happen, but I also don't want to accidentally push myself too far too fast. I have two children I must be able to take care of even during this process and too many meltdowns would really make that difficult. I've had my limits overstepped too many times in past. I'm not afraid that Salamander would knowingly do anything like that, but I have to respect my limits too. I also need to protect my kids, and that means I can't push myself too hard. Which means… I'm scared of moving too fast and just might end up dragging the "new=scary" phase too long.
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