Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 03-21-2014, 12:24 AM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,056
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan3232 View Post
As I briefly mentioned above, I would like the whole package; being able to find potential poly partners, for Melissa, while also having the ability to easily connect and chat with like-minded individuals.
While I do understand looking for like minded people.... The above statement made me go yuck...

What are you her pimp?

Melissa needs find her OWN partners.

Personally being contacted via the internet by someone's significant other looking to hook me up with them is down right creepy.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 03-21-2014, 12:36 AM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 869
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan3232 View Post
1) Youarehere, what do you think of the yahoo mailing lists? Is that the same as the yahoo groups? I just joined a yahoo group called "Expansive Loving", accepted yeterday.
The mailing lists go up and down, traffic-wise, and you sometimes see the same topics. The lists I'm on, though, are more poly/mono support, though, and as such, sometimes there's a lot of pain and support on the lists. Probably not quite the same thing as the Expansive Loving list.

And yes, it's the same as Yahoo Groups - you can go through the web interface or get the messages via email.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 03-21-2014, 01:36 AM
Ryan3232 Ryan3232 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Malibu, CA
Posts: 34
Default

Dagferi, I am sure it would have helped if I had elaborated more into what I am actually doing for her... So here I go...

I am not contacting people on her behalf nor am I her pimp! LOL.

She is even more busy than I am at work, so I do some preliminary research on my own so when we sit down TOGETHER, we are able to make the most of that time.

She is not actively looking for multiple sexual partners; rather, she is looking multiple lovers in a fulfilling, loving, and trustworthy relationship. It is not easy to find, so it requires effort and precision.

I am going to assume your "yuck" and "pimp" reference was light-hearted because 1) you don't have all the facts and 2) I am appreciative of your comments.

With that being said, I would ask that you please pause before making potentially judgmental comments.

Regardless, I do agree she does need to find her own partners, but finding someone together helps increase the communication and openness of the situation IMO.

Youarehere, thank you for the feedback. That is very helpful because I am trying to make the most out of the resources I am using. Much appreciated!
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 03-21-2014, 01:43 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,289
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan3232 View Post
With that being said, I would ask that you please pause before making potentially judgmental comments.
Yah Dag, watch your mouth!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan3232 View Post
I do some preliminary research on my own so when we sit down TOGETHER
Curious, are you two looking for someone for the two of you to date? Are you supervising? Just reading over her shoulder because you are bored? If she's looking for someone to date maybe *she* should look for someone to date?
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 03-21-2014, 01:50 AM
Ryan3232 Ryan3232 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Malibu, CA
Posts: 34
Default

Marcus,

Thanks for the support! haha, no hard feelings, Dag!

As to your question, She has a desire to seek out another partner for a long-term relationship. It is a polyandry relationship. I help her look for partners in the initial stages because it does save time, then she does the big decision making on who she wants to reach out to and start getting to know. Quite honestly, it is due to both of our work schedules, it is not easy.

What are you experiences in the poly world? just curious.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 03-21-2014, 02:07 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,289
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan3232 View Post
Thanks for the support! haha, no hard feelings, Dag!
I love Dag, even though we disagree at times. This doesn't happen to be one of those times - with the information given I would agree, it sounded pretty creepy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan3232 View Post
It is a polyandry relationship.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but it's a theoretical relationship. I would avoid looking for a person to fit into a pre-determined relationship structure. That is really just setting everyone up for having failed expectations. Instead, I suggest letting her put on her big girl panties and do her own looking for her own boyfriend. This theoretical boyfriend coming into his new theoretical polyandry setup might be a tad intimidated by her current partner having his hands all up in the process.

Do as you will, just my personal take to help navigate some of the traps you are setting up for yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan3232 View Post
What are you experiences in the poly world? just curious.
I don't team date, so my experiences might not be very helpful for your arrangement. I avoid involving myself in my partners relationships just like I avoid getting involved in my friends marriages... it's not my business and I have plenty of my own fires to put out without getting in their stuff. If they request my input I will, of course, help if I can and I feel comfortable with it.

My preference is to associate with reasonable, self-sufficient, attractive (to me) people who find me enticing and don't have any interest in dictating what I do with my time/body/emotions.

I also like long walks on the beach
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single

Last edited by Marcus; 03-21-2014 at 02:10 AM. Reason: Added "attractive"
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 03-21-2014, 02:52 AM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,056
Default

I am in a polyandry situation and honestly Butch has had NO INVOLVEMENT in my finding a partner EVER including searching on line or in my relationship with Murf. Murf has no say in my relationship with Butch. I have no say in Butch's relationships with his play partners.

Honestly if she doesn't have time to search for partners herself then she doesn't have time to be dating.

I only answered based upon the information given. Despite my mad skills in many avenues in life. Mind reading is not one of them. I still stand by the view point that it may creep out potential partners for them to find out that she messaged them because her SO thought they might be someone she might like. Many do not like other people in their relationships.

Team dating doesn't usually work out too well. If I can find time to see my husbands around our heck schedules anyone can.

Butch works 3-11pm 8 days with 2 days off and then 7 days with 4 days off. Murf works 6pm to 6 am. 2 days on 2 days off. 3 days on 2 days off. 2 days on 3 days off. Both men have been stuck working mandatory overtime lately. Plus I work 40+ hours a week as personal assistant to a professional musician and 2-3 days a week as a veterinary technician at an emergency vet clinic on 12 hour shifts. Add on kid schedules with school, sports and etc. Yet I find the time to run 2 households and split my time as fairly as I can.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 03-21-2014, 06:21 AM
Ryan3232 Ryan3232 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Malibu, CA
Posts: 34
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I love Dag, even though we disagree at times. This doesn't happen to be one of those times - with the information given I would agree, it sounded pretty creepy.



Not to put too fine a point on it, but it's a theoretical relationship. I would avoid looking for a person to fit into a pre-determined relationship structure. That is really just setting everyone up for having failed expectations. Instead, I suggest letting her put on her big girl panties and do her own looking for her own boyfriend. This theoretical boyfriend coming into his new theoretical polyandry setup might be a tad intimidated by her current partner having his hands all up in the process.

Do as you will, just my personal take to help navigate some of the traps you are setting up for yourself.



I don't team date, so my experiences might not be very helpful for your arrangement. I avoid involving myself in my partners relationships just like I avoid getting involved in my friends marriages... it's not my business and I have plenty of my own fires to put out without getting in their stuff. If they request my input I will, of course, help if I can and I feel comfortable with it.

My preference is to associate with reasonable, self-sufficient, attractive (to me) people who find me enticing and don't have any interest in dictating what I do with my time/body/emotions.

I also like long walks on the beach


Long walks on the beach, huh? Haha, that made me laugh.

As to the substance of your responses, I suppose it did sound a tad creepy because I did not provide much background or information into the details.

I do see your point on the problem with limiting oneself to a specific structure and the looming possibility of failed expectations. Thankfully, we had really only just started to begin to look for potential other partners. She is curious, and I want her to be able to express this curiosity if it makes her happy. I do not have any specific dynamic in mind other than me supporting her and being at her side. I know she has a desire to explore her want for multiple partners, just did not want to hinder that in any way.

I appreciate the feedback, it is helpful to me in order to think about things. Being relatively new to poly, I am always trying to evaluate everything--- myself, my partner, and the relationship dynamic--- so, that I can communicate better with her and stay on the good path.

Thanks.

If you do not mind me asking, are you currently involved in any relationships? I would be interested to hear anything you would have to share
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 03-21-2014, 06:36 AM
Ryan3232 Ryan3232 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Malibu, CA
Posts: 34
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I am in a polyandry situation and honestly Butch has had NO INVOLVEMENT in my finding a partner EVER including searching on line or in my relationship with Murf. Murf has no say in my relationship with Butch. I have no say in Butch's relationships with his play partners.

Honestly if she doesn't have time to search for partners herself then she doesn't have time to be dating.

I only answered based upon the information given. Despite my mad skills in many avenues in life. Mind reading is not one of them. I still stand by the view point that it may creep out potential partners for them to find out that she messaged them because her SO thought they might be someone she might like. Many do not like other people in their relationships.

Team dating doesn't usually work out too well. If I can find time to see my husbands around our heck schedules anyone can.

Butch works 3-11pm 8 days with 2 days off and then 7 days with 4 days off. Murf works 6pm to 6 am. 2 days on 2 days off. 3 days on 2 days off. 2 days on 3 days off. Both men have been stuck working mandatory overtime lately. Plus I work 40+ hours a week as personal assistant to a professional musician and 2-3 days a week as a veterinary technician at an emergency vet clinic on 12 hour shifts. Add on kid schedules with school, sports and etc. Yet I find the time to run 2 households and split my time as fairly as I can.
Well, quite honestly, your use of time seems to be very efficient. I am impressed.

While neither of us have kids, I work 50 hours a week at a law firm, then she works 16 hour days due to her involvement in Real Estate, Charity, and Film to name a few. I also help her out with side projects, so that another 10 hours per week.

I am not trying to compare it to your schedule; I am simply saying that it is difficult and challenging at times to the both of us. We have to be efficient. I am sure you could say we might be taking on too much, but neither of us want to work the rest of our lives. We would prefer to retire early, so that requires us to put in more work to achieve our dreams. This is a big year for the both of us, and we have to push in our professional/career goals while still staying sane with some semblance of a romantic life.

I do agree her messaging a potential partner on a partial recommendation from me is odd, but if the guy does not know, ignorance is bliss. But, frankly, Melissa would not hide that fact from them, she is very open and direct. So, if a guy were offended or weirded out, we would just move on to the next.

I appreciate your response, Dag.

Thanks


Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
#beyondtwo #okc #advice

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:53 AM.