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  #41  
Old 12-31-2013, 07:26 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default resolutions and goals and such

In no particular order:

Save money
Lose weight
Travel
develop a daily spiritual practice
be disciplined
feel sadness (I have a hard time feeling sadness without wanting to stuff it away)
lower my numbness bar so I feel more in general
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  #42  
Old 01-14-2014, 09:47 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Also, if you wish to comment, please do so. I am not nearly as raw as I was.

I'm doing better. I'm not angry so much. We continued to talk about the no bottoming in public thing for a while. Eventually he said he would bottom in public again. Whip also specifically said this was not because I was having such a difficult reaction to it. However, I am not sure if I believe him.

I am trying to figure out why I reacted so angrily and so strongly to this. That is not normal for me. It clearly touched upon a whole range of sensitivities I didn't fully realize I had. (Fucking hate that!) It bothers me immensely that I was so angry about it. I don't think anger was a 'wrong' reaction but it was outsized. And I am not fully sure of why.

I don't feel as secure with Whip as I did with Beaker. There is something in a monogamous structure that 'feels' more secure to me. I realize this is a logical fallacy. After all I am no longer with Beaker so that security was false anyway. While I don't want to be monogamous with Whip, I do want to feel more secure. I am trying to figure out how to generate that within myself. Generally, I'm a fairly secure person. I usually believe people when they tell me something (unless I have reason not to), I generally don't worry about what is not my business and can't control anyway.

And I've been sheepishly realizing, I've usually been the more self-involved, less empathic person in a relationship. It's honestly weird being the more 'emotional' partner. It's a role I am not used to. (My best friend just chortles and calls it karma. I suspect she is right.) It's weird being the one who has more emotional experience in some ways. Whip is not immature but he does have that self-involvement that people in their 20s tend to have. He's figuring out who he is. I was that way too - which is one reason I recognize it. And in a lot of ways, it was not good for me. I did put my emotional development too much on other people. I left the emotional heavy lifting to others and that is not healthy at all. I don't want to do that again. But I also don't want to do all the emotional work either. Trying to find that balance internally - much less in the relationship - has been hard.

So yeah. Stuff going on.
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  #43  
Old 01-15-2014, 01:59 AM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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It's a shift. I'm usually the one with the more "masculine"way if dealing with things. Like you, I hate hate hate crying, especially around other people. I lock away my feelings to be processed when I'm alone and fequently feel like the "guy" in my relationships. Leo doesn't tolerate that. He won't let me lock it away to process later. Usually, anyway. I had him begging me to lock it back up one night. Poor Leo! He draws that stuff out f me sometimes though, and I have to deal with it right then and there and deal with being all emotional. I suppose it's better for my mental health, but it sucks. I feel your pain.
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Me - Mostly mono female, 39 yrs old, married to Leo.
Leo - Poly bi-sexual male, 37 years old. Married to me and looking.
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  #44  
Old 02-01-2014, 10:27 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I have a date this weekend - and *gasp* it's not with Whip. :-)

Someone I've been chatting with online. Married and open - not interested in anything beyond a FWB situation but I am open to that. We'll see how it goes.

It is nice to get attention. Doesn't truly solve anything but it is enjoyable.
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  #45  
Old 02-05-2014, 06:29 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Not a lot going on externally.

My date was rescheduled to next weekend. I assumed he was bailing on me but he wanted to reschedule right away so I take that as a good sign. Of course, one never knows with dating.

The recent storm about not bottoming in public is on hiatus. I'm not sure if it has really gone away. I continue to be careful about what we do in public, I'm not sure where the line is, and I'm not sure if Whip knows. I feel willing to bottom in public again with him so I guess that's progress. Treading carefully here.

My metamour wants to get to know me better. I am curious why but I am open to the idea. I don't think we have much in common but I don't know her well and could be wrong. I think I would want to see if we can get together for coffee or something. I don't particulary want to hang out all three of us. While I find the idea of a polycule abstractly appealing, I hate the idea of being expected to be close to metamours just because they are metamours. Ick. I don't think that is what is going on. I think she is just a nice person.

I am experimenting to see if I can live with another person. My best friend and her husband needed a place to stay. So they have been living at my place for a week or two. So far it has gone pretty well. But they also have a set leave time and I wonder if I was living with another person permanently if it would be harder for me to cope. Maybe. But I am pleased with the initial 'experiment.' I may not be condemned to live alone for the rest of my life! If I chose to live alone that is one thing. But if I have to live alone because I can't tolerate the noise and disturbances of another person, well that's another. I'm not happy about that possiblity. I don't like the idea of being a person so limited that I can't have another person in my living space.
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  #46  
Old 02-06-2014, 09:54 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Argghhhh! So horny and Whip is not available. Goddamit.

I need another lover.
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  #47  
Old 02-27-2014, 10:43 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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My online dating excursions continue. My date with FWB guy never happened. He canceled again. At this point, if he contacts me and arranges something, I'll consider it. Otherwise, moving on!

I have a date upcoming that I am excited about. With a man I've met IRL previously at a mutual friends' party. We reconnected via OKC. I enjoyed talking with him then and am looking forward to seeing how things go.

I've had a cold that is just lingering. It's maddening. I don't feel that bad but I am coughing more than I like and I get so tired so easily. I don't usually get colds so this is unusual for me. Trying to take it easy but it's been slower than I like.

I'm thinking about reaching out to offer to top people. I would like more experience topping. I feel uncomfortable asking that of Whip in public - and it's been odd in private. I think he may be moving away somewhat from kink. We were talking and he revealed that he doesn't think of himself as being particularly kinky. Definitely a swinger, definitely polyamorous but kinky is not necessarily a core part of his identity. This was interesting to me. I consider myself moderately kinky and would find it hard to be solely vanilla anymore. Anyway, I was surprised it wasn't more integral to him. Also he may be 'kinked out' in some ways. His other partner is way more kinky than either Whip or I (according to Whip - I have not talked to her about this). I wonder if he is rather drained with dealing with the needs of two kinky women. Ahh, first world problems of the man with two girlfriends!
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  #48  
Old 03-12-2014, 08:25 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I often write here when I am down, upset or trying to figure something out. If things are good, I'm grateful but I don't feel a need to write.

Things are not good.

A family member is dying. There is nothing more that can be done. I'm so sad.

I've lost my temper multiple times today. I often experience sadness as anger. There is a taboo in my family about expressing sadness that I have been working on. I've made progress - I understand that the rage and frustration I am feeling is because of grief. Knowing that helps only a tiny bit though.

Work is just annoying me for no good reason. We're busy, which is good. I like having work to do. And I am desperately trying to remind myself to be grateful - I know lots of people who don't have work - and be motivated. But mostly I feel grateful for a little while and then still end up annoyed. I am bored and I do not handle boredom well at all.

But I have no idea what I would like to do instead. I don't have a grand passion I want to launch into. If I had money and did not need to work, then I would just putz around, learn various metalworking arts, rescue pets, appreciate art and generally do not much of anything. None of those things is something I can make money at. I've been stymied about this for years. What do I want to do with my life? The answer lately has been not a lot. I see all these people driven to do certain things in life and admire that. But I don't have that.

I continue to have concerns about my relationship with Whip. I have a boyfriend but I am not sure I have a partner, at least in the way I think of a partner. Not sure if it is enough, if my needs are met. Or if I am overthinking or unwilling to do the work to find out if my needs can be met.

Angry, sad and frustrated today.
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  #49  
Old 03-12-2014, 08:53 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Hugs - Sorry about your family member

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
If I had money and did not need to work, then I would just putz around, learn various metalworking arts, rescue pets, appreciate art and generally do not much of anything. None of those things is something I can make money at.
I love to sew and do woodworking, BUT... if I had to do it to earn a living, I would grow to hate and resent it. Find a place to do those things on a regular basis, but as a hobby. Ren faires are a good place to set up a blacksmith display. Some set up a booth for money, but most of my blacksmith friends, are generally part of a larger group (with more than one focus) and they educate and display to patrons, right along side the woodworkers, soldiers and fiber arts people. Most of them sell just enough stuff to buy more metal to play with. If there is a "Best Friends" animal shelter near you, it's a great place to volunteer and play with the critters. A friend of mine drives a group of us to Utah, a couple times a year so we can volunteer (even me, who is NOT a huge critter person).

((Hugs))
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  #50  
Old 03-19-2014, 04:46 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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JQS posted this in another thread and I thought it really summarized my thoughts about casual sex and FWBs too

"For me there is a big difference between casual sex and sex with a friend.

For me "casual sex" involves sex with someone that I am not particularly close to - someone I meet at a party, have a good time with, but don't necessarily care if we ever see each other or speak again - although I might be up for a second go-round if we happen to run into each other again - I wouldn't necessarily go to any special effort to make that happen.

On the other hand, I don't have any "casual" friendships - by the time I consider someone a friend they are an integral part of my life and my heart (anyone else is an acquaintance). Their needs and feelings are very, very important to me. Which is why I generally don't have more than a few friends at any given time. (I am easily "friend"-saturated). While the sexual nature of a "FWB" situation might be "casual" - the friendship itself never would be - the sex part is a small part of the relationship."
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