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  #11  
Old 03-15-2014, 07:17 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Of course FWBs or relationships you go into with solely sexual intentions aren't "poly" relationships
I would agree that purely sexual associations aren't what most people would qualify as polyamory, and rightly so. However, conflating "friends with benefits" with casual, no strings banging is not necessarily accurate. Some people use the term FWB to refer to casual sex buddies but FWB starts with "Friends" which is important.

Not all loving romantic relationships need to be partnered, sharing expenses, interdependent, etc. I treasure my friends, and a friend I am sexual with is something FAR different from casual "solely sexual" associations.
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  #12  
Old 03-15-2014, 09:57 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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I would agree that purely sexual associations aren't what most people would qualify as polyamory, and rightly so. However, conflating "friends with benefits" with casual, no strings banging is not necessarily accurate. Some people use the term FWB to refer to casual sex buddies but FWB starts with "Friends" which is important.

Not all loving romantic relationships need to be partnered, sharing expenses, interdependent, etc. I treasure my friends, and a friend I am sexual with is something FAR different from casual "solely sexual" associations.
In movies and stuff, FWB is presented as casual, no strings attached...but everyone has their interpretations and yours is legitimate to your situation.
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  #13  
Old 03-15-2014, 10:08 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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some people think that what I want in my life is not really poly, since I mostly want lover-friends (my term for FWBs) in my life, rather than more entangled partnerships or boyfriends - as if that can't possibly be loving or I couldn't possibly fall in love with someone with whom my relationship has more casual parameters than most would expect.
Of course FWBs or relationships you go into with solely sexual intentions aren't "poly" relationships....but where do people think romantic, long term relationships come from, anyway? And sometimes you go into something, insisting it'll only be physical, and then feelings develop....
Excuse me, never did I say that my intentions were "solely sexual" in pursuing lover-friendships or friends-with-benefits arrangements. Hello? Friendship takes emotional investment and I am very selective about whom I call a friend. I love my friends, and my relationships with FWBs are very loving and important to me for much, much more than just sex. My lover-friends are not required to bang me in order to spend time with me. Having casual relationships is not the same as having casual sex. While the parameters I prefer for relationships are rather casual, that does not mean I want "no strings" and no heart involved. I have turned down men I was very interested in because they thought that my wanting the freedom to be in multiple, casual relationships meant it was "no strings." A very incorrect assumption! Sheesh.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-15-2014 at 10:12 PM.
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  #14  
Old 03-15-2014, 10:36 PM
Eponine Eponine is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I would agree that purely sexual associations aren't what most people would qualify as polyamory, and rightly so. However, conflating "friends with benefits" with casual, no strings banging is not necessarily accurate. Some people use the term FWB to refer to casual sex buddies but FWB starts with "Friends" which is important.

Not all loving romantic relationships need to be partnered, sharing expenses, interdependent, etc. I treasure my friends, and a friend I am sexual with is something FAR different from casual "solely sexual" associations.
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Friendship takes emotional investment and I am very selective about whom I call a friend. I love my friends, and my relationships with FWBs are very loving and important to me for much, much more than just sex. My lover-friends are not required to bang me in order to spend time with me. Having casual relationships is not the same as having casual sex. While the parameters I prefer for relationships are rather casual, that does not mean I want "no strings" and no heart involved. I have turned down men I was very interested in because they thought that my wanting the freedom to be in multiple, casual relationships meant it was "no strings." A very incorrect assumption! Sheesh.
Totally agreed. To me, the core of polyamory is multiple emotionally intimate relationships. They don't have to involve practical commitment (living together, sharing finances, etc.), nor do they have to be romantic (which means aromantics can be poly too).

Although I don't have FWBs in the sexual sense, my two non-primary relationships probably look pretty "casual" and not different from "just friends" to many people, because we're long-distance, don't plan to move closer, and only communicate via emails. I don't mind calling them "friends with romantic/emotional/sensual benefits." I'm also very picky about whom I call a friend, and a friend can be as important as a partner on an emotional level. I hate the expression "just friends."
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Last edited by Eponine; 03-15-2014 at 11:05 PM.
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  #15  
Old 03-15-2014, 11:03 PM
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In movies and stuff . . .
Oh yes, and we all know how accurately movies depict real life!
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  #16  
Old 03-16-2014, 02:01 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Oh yes, and we all know how accurately movies depict real life!
Still based off the premise of commonly held beliefs, i.e. definitions of words. If someone said they wanted a FWB with me, well, they're my friends, I assume they hold some affection. But I'd think that their motivation was primarily physical, not emotional. Nor would I have any expectations that I would ever be near the importance of their boyfriend or girlfriend, or whomever, supposing they had someone else.
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  #17  
Old 03-16-2014, 02:04 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Yeah, polyamory means several loves, and I interpret it to mean several loving relationships, but I don't see why friendship wouldn't apply. It's a form of love too.

Sure, some people use "FWB" to mean "some stranger I have sex with but FWB sounds better" but there are also people who use "my wife and I are polyamorous" when they mean "I'm cheating on my wife and there is no way she would be fine with this, but poly sounds better", so...

I'm not into casual sex but I can imagine having sex with a close friend. It's obvious to me the two are different.
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  #18  
Old 03-16-2014, 09:45 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Yeah, polyamory means several loves, and I interpret it to mean several loving relationships, but I don't see why friendship wouldn't apply. It's a form of love too.

Sure, some people use "FWB" to mean "some stranger I have sex with but FWB sounds better" but there are also people who use "my wife and I are polyamorous" when they mean "I'm cheating on my wife and there is no way she would be fine with this, but poly sounds better", so...

I'm not into casual sex but I can imagine having sex with a close friend. It's obvious to me the two are different.
I usually interpret polyamory to mean romantic love. Friendship is a form of love, but then isn't everyone poly? Monogamous couples have friends, too.

Also, I'm not saying you have to change your opinion, but what IS the difference between casual sex and sex with a close friend? Can't you have a casual relationship with a friend involving sex?
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  #19  
Old 03-16-2014, 12:39 PM
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Some people choose to use the label friend to highlight that regardless of how emotionally and physically close they are with said person, it is aromantic.

Others, use the label friend to highlight that despite their emotional and physical intimacy and despite the fact they feel there are romantic aspects to their relationship, they won't share practical entanglements or entwine their lives in a way that is typical of romantic relationships.

This difference is important for many people because it helps them to create expectations and fulfill expectations that is appropriate for that particular relationship. For example, I don't feel obliged to see a friend as often as I do a romantic partner, so a friend with benefits isn't in my routine weekly schedule. I don't feel disappointed or hurt by not being in theirs. If someone who is a friend needs more from me than I can offer friends, I know we are on different wavelengths and that needs to be addressed.
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  #20  
Old 03-16-2014, 12:45 PM
london london is offline
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I usually interpret polyamory to mean romantic love. Friendship is a form of love, but then isn't everyone poly? Monogamous couples have friends, too.

Also, I'm not saying you have to change your opinion, but what IS the difference between casual sex and sex with a close friend? Can't you have a casual relationship with a friend involving sex?
I don't know if you ever read my thread "Dispensable" but I feel that is an example of me and Frank going from a casual relationship with (someone who became) a friend involving sex, to me now having casual sex with a friend. Our friendship may deepen, but it isn't going to climb the relationship escalator to a place where I would consider us boyfriend and girlfriend, although we will more than likely always have a sexual relationship too. We are Friends with benefits.

In the past, I've had fuck buddies. We didn't have or try to develop a friendship. We just had sex. Yes we would talk, laugh and exchange pleasantries but it was surface stuff, the relationship was only sexually focused. Remove the sex and there would be nothing left.

Last edited by london; 03-16-2014 at 12:48 PM.
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