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  #21  
Old 03-14-2014, 12:18 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Take control of your life for goodness sake. Do not give her a month to adjust.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #22  
Old 03-14-2014, 12:30 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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God knows I've needed time to adjust to things, but this feels like the *same* thing, just different forms. Sometimes, even I just need to rip off the bandaid so I can move forward and not stay in the same holding pattern.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #23  
Old 03-14-2014, 12:40 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
I can't allow myself to be controlled anymore and I don't want to control anyone else . . .

I am not a possession that can be molded to fit her every insecurity . . .

I don't think our relationship can continue happily or grow with the idea that we can control each other . . .

She can stand by me in this or if she feels it is detrimental to her self respect she can make the decision for herself to move on.
These statements are very much indicative of your self-awareness. Brava, smart girl!

Quote:
Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
I told her I am willing to compromise on this situation but the controlling behavior will not be tolerated anymore.
This is great that you said that, but how will you back it up? It is likely she will try to get away with some form of control to test you and see how serious you are when you say that. So, what will be the consequences if she falls back into controlling behavior? You need to make that clear for both yourself and her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
*1 month transition period to get used to not having ownership of my bed
But she doesn't have ownership of it, it's your bed. What's there to "get used to?" This is a bit of coddling you're doing, IMHO. I think she needs the Band-Aid ripped off! Time to pull her head out of the sand and shake off her fantasy illusion of monogamy with you, and face reality!

Quote:
Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
*Ill buy new bedding
*We can set up a sleep area elsewhere for her if she needs it.
*I can sleep at her house.
Sleeping at her house how often? You need to be more specific.

I hope your talk goes well. Keep us posted!
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #24  
Old 03-14-2014, 02:12 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
But to her I am the one hurting it by not "just giving in" to "this one thing".. but will it ever just be this "one thing"?? It.
I can tell you that it will always be "just one more thing." I have experienced it first hand. I was part of a budding triad. Seemed fantastic initially. But for reasons no one could ever ascertain, the wife suddenly became insecure and jealous. In an effort to give her time, over the course of several months, she "one more thinged" us to the point that her husband and I could not have even a semblance of a romantic relationship. NOTHING ever quelled her insecurities.

Finally at one point, the husband said to her that she would eventually disallow us from even having a friendship. She looked incredulous. Why would she ever do that? In just a few months, she did though.
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