Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 03-13-2014, 02:33 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

Dump her. She is a dictator and will never be happy unless she feels she has you under her control. You've put up with her demands long enough! If anyone told me what she told you, it would be incredibly difficult for me not to laugh in their face. I mean, it's absolutely preposterous!

I think I have told you this before, but loving someone is not enough to make a relationship work. We can all love people who are not good for us at all - but loving them doesn't mean we should lay down and be their doormats.

Oftentimes, the most loving thing we can do is et someone go. I think it's time for that, in your case.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 03-13-2014, 04:46 AM
Eclipse Eclipse is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 46
Default

I'm really big on communicating and looking for middle ground and such, but holy crap... I've looked through your past posts about this girl and I agree with nycindie. She quite obviously does not want you to be with your boyfriend, so she's going to attempt to exert as much control as she can over that relationship.

I'd issue the counter-ultimatum.... stop trying to control my other relationships. If that's an issue, you know where the door is.
__________________
Me - 37 years old male, father of three wonderful girls.
Curls - 33 years old female, My wife of fifteen years.
Freckles - 22 years old female, our awesome girlfriend.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 03-13-2014, 01:57 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 105
Default

Nycindie said it perfectly.
__________________
Female, married just about forever to Scout. My boyfriends are E. and C. Both are married, and C also has another lover, J.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 03-13-2014, 02:02 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 288
Default

The bed is only a symbol of what is either in your heart and mind (devotion and love) or isn't. Monopolizing the bed is a symptom of a deeper problem. Continuing to give in won't solve it.

Either she believes in your relationship or she doesn't.
__________________
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 03-13-2014, 04:09 PM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49
Default

Thank you for your replies. I know a lot of you probably think I am silly to stay with her for so long with these kind of demands but what can I say. I tend to let my heart guide me. It's something that can't really be expressed through words or through the internet, only through experiencing the moment. I've followed my feelings of the energy of situations. Sometimes I just need to talk to you all to make sure I'm not crazy. I need perspective on the logic of things at times. So thank you for reassuring me.

The point I am at in my life right now is very live and let live. I believe life can be simple. I am trying to put myself out there like that. Accepting people the way they are and just needing to be accepted as I am in return. I want to love in the way of just being two souls sharing energy and enjoying life experiences together. No attachment or possession. I can't allow myself to be controlled anymore and I don't want to control anyone else. I feel like a butterfly coming out of my chrysalis and it hurts me to feel someone is trying to sew my cocoon back shut! It doesn't feel loving to me. And it hurts even more that she can't see how much stirring up this negativity is hurting our relationship. I want to move forward. I want to be happy - together and separately.

But to her I am the one hurting it by not "just giving in" to "this one thing".. but will it ever just be this "one thing"?? It's the principal of it. I am not a possession that can be molded to fit her every insecurity. I am a reasonable person and willing to compromise. I told her I don't want to argue or fight, and I don't want to tell her what to feel. I accept and understand how she feels and that's okay. I can't give her what she's asking, but here's what I can do instead. If it's not enough, she is free to decide what her next step is.

It pains me that she throws in my face she is making a huge sacrifice by moving out "for me." I understand she would be happy to stay in the state we've been in and keep living together for the rest of eternity - that would keep me all to herself. That of course would be comfortable for her. I get that. And I do appreciate she is trying something she would rather not. But it hurts that she claims she cannot see any of the positive outcomes this could potentially have for us. We've discussed the pro's of it for her personally too, and she's agreed, but I don't know if she believes it when she throws it in my face in situations like this.

But honestly this is where I'm at. I don't think our relationship can continue happily or grow with the idea that we can control each other. I would rather stay together than break up (as would she as she tells me.) My compromise to keep that want for us is to try living separately and see how it goes. My hope is we will feel a stronger bond as a result of letting go and allowing each other to be independent. That is my decision at this point. Giving her power to dictate my space, my bed, my body, is not part of that compromise. She has her own free will to decide if this arrangement will work for her, or she can walk away. I do not want to fight anymore. I don't want to experience pain anymore. I have more love to give and I want to focus on that rather than focusing on pain. She can stand by me in this or if she feels it is detrimental to her self respect she can make the decision for herself to move on.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 03-13-2014, 04:49 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,308
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I would tell her hug a root.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Dump her.
I fucking love you guys.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
Giving her power to dictate my space, my bed, my body, is not part of that compromise.
I suspect this will be a good decision for your happiness in the long term. It is entirely likely that a person who desires fluid love with an explicit absence of control and a person who expresses love through capitulation of demands are not going to work out.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 03-13-2014, 05:45 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,230
Default

Quote:
But to her I am the one hurting it by not "just giving in" to "this one thing".
You could leave it to her to feel disappointed she isn't going to get this "one thing."

You could expect her to handle her emotions.

Quote:
I told her I don't want to argue or fight, and I don't want to tell her what to feel. I accept and understand how she feels and that's okay. I can't give her what she's asking, but here's what I can do instead. If it's not enough, she is free to decide what her next step is.
Pretty much.

Quote:
It pains me that she throws in my face she is making a huge sacrifice by moving out "for me."
You could respond with something like

"Thank you. I appreciate your effort to try something new."
And you could say nothing more. Because if she is not choosing to be doing this as a gift, that is her choosing, not yours. You don't automatically "owe her" if she chooses to do things based on her unspoken expectations of "tit-for-tat" of some kind.

What does she say verbatim that you find "throwing it in your face?"

Quote:
And I do appreciate she is trying something she would rather not. But it hurts (me) that she claims she cannot see any of the positive outcomes this could potentially have for us.
Blue is mine. So... do you need help handling YOUR hurt feelings?

What does her being able to see positive outcomes right this minute have to do with you to choosing to feel hurt/not hurt?

Quote:
We've discussed the pro's of it for her personally too, and she's agreed, but I don't know if she believes it when she throws it in my face in situations like this.
Again... what does she say verbatim that is "throwing it in your face?" You do not state.

What does she do in her behavior to cause you to think she doesn't believe what she agrees to? Express that she sees it could turn out a positive but at this time she cannot see it IS a positive for sure yet?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-13-2014 at 09:25 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 03-13-2014, 09:11 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 5,918
Default

You know, if you and she now have separate domiciles, then she now has her own bed that she gets to do with however she pleases. Yet that's not enough, she has to have authority over your bed as well?

When she moved out, did she see that concession as a blank check on which she could make arbitrary demands from now on? Is it possible she just really wants monogamy (read: you all to herself), and is going about winning that objective from you by a war of attrition?

Is she willing to settle for the compromise of just using two different sets of bedding?
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 03-13-2014, 11:40 PM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49
Default

I told her I am willing to compromise on this situation but the controlling behavior will not be tolerated anymore.

*1 month transition period to get used to not having ownership of my bed
*Ill buy new bedding
*We can set up a sleep area elsewhere for her if she needs it.
*I can sleep at her house.

I think that's reasonable. We'll see how our talk goes tonight.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 03-13-2014, 11:57 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,440
Default

**I did not read the thread-just the original post**

Boundaries.

Here's the thing that I think is missing in all of your conversations;
She has a right to decide what SHE will do with HER. But she doesn't have a right to tell you what to do with you.

In the case of your bed; she has every right to say SHE is not comfortable sleeping in your bed.
But she doesn't have a right to dictate who else does (including you).

She has a right to decide who sleeps in HER bed. But she can't make anyone else but her sleep in her bed.

Likewise-you have a right to decide who is allowed to sleep in your bed. But not who WILL.
You have a right to decide if you are willing to sleep in her bed but you don't have a right to decide if you are allowed to.

She seems to really fail to grasp where her rights end and yours begin. THAT needs addressed.

It's not about the bed, the sex, the boyfriend etc.

It's about boundaries.
She has a right to make boundaries regarding HERSELF and HER PERSONAL belongings.
Nothing more.
End of story.

until she accepts that-she won't be able to have a healthy relationship with you or anyone else. No amount of love is going to change that. Because even with love, you still need to understand the parameters of what is yours and what is not yours.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bed, living together, moving out, sleeping arrangements, sleepovers

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:46 PM.