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  #21  
Old 03-12-2014, 12:08 AM
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Heh; you've picked the two-most-often-recommended books. I've read both. They're two very different styles of introducing poly concepts, so it's kind of a good idea to read both. Will be curious to hear which of the two you like best (if you have a favorite).

Are you still worried about the possible reactions your wife may have to another woman coming into your life? Is she strong in the communication area, or does she perhaps have a fear of conflict or confrontation or just doesn't want to hurt your feelings?

Do you want an NSA relationship? How do you feel about that?
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  #22  
Old 03-12-2014, 02:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Heh; you've picked the two-most-often-recommended books. I've read both. They're two very different styles of introducing poly concepts, so it's kind of a good idea to read both. Will be curious to hear which of the two you like best (if you have a favorite).

Are you still worried about the possible reactions your wife may have to another woman coming into your life? Is she strong in the communication area, or does she perhaps have a fear of conflict or confrontation or just doesn't want to hurt your feelings?

Do you want an NSA relationship? How do you feel about that?
My wife (Perlina) is passive aggressive... She will avoid a conflict at all cost...

She doesn't want me to fall in love and divorce her...She would be happier if I had a NSA relationship...no emotions or feelings ...

I know my wife sees us as for friends than lovers. She even told me that several times... She doesn't want to talk about our open marriage anymore...she has already given me the green light...So its up to me now...

I am a very healthy, active, muscular, decent looking man....Most women tell me I am easy to talk to.... a NSA relationship will be easier than poly for now...My wife doesn't want to know the details...I don't think she does....
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  #23  
Old 03-12-2014, 12:51 PM
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A NSA relationship can be hard to arrange. Some people, swinger types, manage it by going to clubs where everyone is on board with sex only, friendships kept to a minimum. Some people avoid kissing as that can trigger hormones to make you feel like you are falling in love.

It seems like you want friendship/romantic attachment AND sex. Be honest with yourself. You want affection, good talks. Not just wham bam thank you ma'am. Do yourself a favor and go slowly until you work out your actual goals. If you did fall in love with another woman, and she with you, and your wife reacted badly, and you broke up with the other woman to stop hurting your wife, you'll be hurt, your new gf would be hurt, and your wife wouldn't stop hurting just because you stopped seeing the other woman.

Your wife is not really a good candidate for being the wife of a poly man. She's terrible at communicating, and complete transparency is a requirement for successful joyous polyamory. My ex h was passive aggressive. UGH.

Wife may find the idea of you having sex with others stimulating, for now, as a fantasy. However, it seems to me she's a candidate for extreme jealousy and depression once you find the right woman to form a new relationship with, unless your (plural) communication skills improve.

You both also have unrealistic expectations of what a marriage counselor can do to help.
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  #24  
Old 03-12-2014, 02:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
A NSA relationship can be hard to arrange. Some people, swinger types, manage it by going to clubs where everyone is on board with sex only, friendships kept to a minimum. Some people avoid kissing as that can trigger hormones to make you feel like you are falling in love.

It seems like you want friendship/romantic attachment AND sex. Be honest with yourself. You want affection, good talks. Not just wham bam thank you ma'am. Do yourself a favor and go slowly until you work out your actual goals. If you did fall in love with another woman, and she with you, and your wife reacted badly, and you broke up with the other woman to stop hurting your wife, you'll be hurt, your new gf would be hurt, and your wife wouldn't stop hurting just because you stopped seeing the other woman.

Your wife is not really a good candidate for being the wife of a poly man. She's terrible at communicating, and complete transparency is a requirement for successful joyous polyamory. My ex h was passive aggressive. UGH.

Wife may find the idea of you having sex with others stimulating, for now, as a fantasy. However, it seems to me she's a candidate for extreme jealousy and depression once you find the right woman to form a new relationship with, unless your (plural) communication skills improve.

You both also have unrealistic expectations of what a marriage counselor can do to help.
I do understand this. It would be hard to separate sex and emotions....I would be the type to "think" I was in love...I do know it would be the NRE...that's it...

My wife never wanted to communicate her feeling out of fear that we would Divorce...We recently started having more sex (as of three years ago) As long as it's not too often, she is fine. She is afraid of me leaving...Now with an open marriage, it may be out of fear of me leaving...I communicated that I won't leave her, she is my life long partner...

Many many years back, before we married, we separated. After 6 months,she came back..Not because she finally realized she was in love with me, but because she wanted the companionship, friendship back...We both terribly missed the other...It was never about sex...Then we got married because that's what I wanted and e entually had a child, because that's what I wanted...Believe me...I am nothing all that great...I have no idea what she sees in me. All I can say is that we really are good friends and we both want to make the other happy...I think we both put each others needs before our own needs...That why we have 22 years together...

So , you're right, I do want the emotional, love connection....This open relationship scares the heck out of me...I haven't had sex with anybody else in 23 years...I feel like a virgin all over again...

My wife seems OK with me having sex with other women...I have to be selective because when that does happen, I think my wife will not want sex anymore... She doesn't even know if she would still want sex with me...

We won't know how we will feel until it happens..
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  #25  
Old 03-12-2014, 02:46 PM
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One additional possibility..

I told a colleague about our open marriage.. A woman (Angelina)I have known several years...For some reason, she hasn't told anybody that she has been Divorced for three years...I have no idea why she has done this...She is a mother of 3 kids. The ex huband was her second marriage that lasted 5 months...

She wants a relationship without bringing the man into her children's life...Just happened yesterday... I told my wife already.... She seemed OK with the possibility....
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  #26  
Old 03-12-2014, 07:10 PM
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I wonder if it wouldn't be possible for you to fall in love with another person, and still want to maintain your marriage with your wife. Does that sound like a possibility? Could your wife see it as a possibility?

Sounds promising with Angelina, I hope something works out there.
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  #27  
Old 03-12-2014, 11:28 PM
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My talk was cut short with Angelina...I had a client...

I am excited now knowing that she isn't married...I just don't understand why they/he wants everybody to believe they are still married...its been three years.

I've been telling her about some of the women on my hikes...Then when I told her about my open marriage, she seemed to be all over that...

Angelina doesn't seem to want a man to move in with her...She seems to want some lovin...She is Avery cute firey Latina woman and very fit...

My wife is my life partner, that won't change.

Will I fall in love? Who knows... The sparks have ignited though..

I did tell my wife already... A very Valiumistic response...
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  #28  
Old 03-13-2014, 12:07 AM
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By Valiumistic I take it you mean, "having the properties of Valium," that is, soothing, tranquil, reducing anxiety (or smoothing things over). Any guess as to what her real (internal) reaction is? I know she doesn't like to make waves.
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  #29  
Old 03-13-2014, 12:38 AM
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I just don't understand why they/he wants everybody to believe they are still married...its been three years.
My ex did that, and it gets a bit annoying when I find myself still telling people (who are surprised!) that no, we've been divorced now for over two years.

Not sure why, except maybe he doesn't feel like there's been a good way/time to bring it up in conversation? My ex doesn't really like to talk with people, so telling them something that would just invite more conversation would probably be more trouble than it's worth for him. I just keep telling people when they say "I saw your husband at..." and let it dribble on out over the grapevine from there. We are fairly civil/friendly to each other (and I still get along well with his family), so it does add to the illusion, I guess, when we're at the kids' school functions and the like.

Ah well. The news does get out eventually, although there'll be one or two stragglers who'll be surprised years down the road, I'm sure.
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Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

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  #30  
Old 03-13-2014, 01:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
By Valiumistic I take it you mean, "having the properties of Valium," that is, soothing, tranquil, reducing anxiety (or smoothing things over). Any guess as to what her real (internal) reaction is? I know she doesn't like to make waves.
Rodney Dangerfield once said in one of his comedy acts that his wife was so passive that he thought he was married to Valium...That's my wife in many ways....
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