Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 03-09-2014, 06:23 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 171
Default Trust issues

Now I have faced something totally new in my relationships. In both of them, simultaneously. Trust issues. So far I have been able to trust them both 100% in everything, and now… no more. I do not want to go into detail on a public forum like this, but some things to notice.

With one of them, I should have noticed earlier. I could have, but I chose to not see. And then the problem escalated -- until now we have talked about it and are slowly rebuilding the trust and openness. Wish us luck!

With the other, I could have been more clear with the communication. I did not listen, I was not ready to take in what he had to say. When I finally did realize what he had been trying to tell… it was a bit too late. Result: explosion. Oh well, we are working on better communication, and I am very hopeful.

This is such a learning curve for me. Feelings of insecurity like never before… I have come face to face with my biggest fears, really. Now I am wondering whether jealousy feels like this?? In my case there is no outside person in this mess, my guys are not seeing anyone else right now, and I would be just fine if they did (I know it from before, I am happy for CJ when he finds new dates).

I know they both have been struggling with jealousy in the past, and I have not been very understanding at all. I have never been jealous myself. Now my insecurity buttons have been found, and this is all new to me. I am hoping that when we all get through this, our relationships will grow stronger and more realistic. Trust is really not trust if it is built on false premises and assumptions. I find myself guilty of making them - even though it is my rule no 1: do not make assumptions.
__________________
I am a woman with two male partners: CJ (legal husband) and Mark (no label added).
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 03-10-2014, 12:43 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 171
Default

I just have to bring here a quote from nycindie, this is such a remarkable thought; I want to be able to find it as needed. Thank you for sharing this!

Quote:
It reminds me of something two very wise mentors of mine used to say: There are two "houses" we can choose to live in. One is the "Alive" house, where we have passion, energy, satisfying relationships, fulfilling activities, full self-expression, and all the things that make us feel alive. The other is the "Right" house, where we get to be right, righteous, and indignant. We can't have any of the things in the Alive house if we choose to live in the Right house. And we have to let go of the need to be right if we choose to live in the Alive house. Something to think about.
__________________
I am a woman with two male partners: CJ (legal husband) and Mark (no label added).
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 05-26-2014, 02:55 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 171
Default About different ways to practise poly

My practical poly life is relatively short, but I did start subscribing to poly philosophy years earlier. I did some reading about the topic - not actively searching information but reading everything I happened to come across.

And, I happened to come across several articles about polyfi-situations. People who had two (seldom more) partners and claimed that poly is not all about sex, and that they were not looking for more partners. That actually they have now closed their relationship and it is not that much different from mono relationships, there are just more people involved.

I used to get irritated about these articles. At a time the “poly” aspect of my life was a lot about experimenting sexually, with the option of those experiments to become significant relationships. Even though I did agree that poly is not *all* about sex, to me the sexual part was very important. And I did my share of dating around and getting various sexual experiences. In the back of my mind there always was the option of those encounters becoming serious and committed.

It took me time to learn the appropriate lingo, and there were a few misunderstandings on the journey because of me not being clear enough of what I wanted. Nothing catastrophic, but a learning curve for me.

Now as I have been a while in a committed relationship with two individuals, I have no need to experiment anymore. Maybe the need comes back later in my life, but it is not here now. Just a couple of days ago I found myself thinking how I am not looking for new partners, how I am committed to living with these two persons and how being poly actually is very little about sex… Uh-oh!

Talking about coming full circle… Guess during this journey I have gained more understanding about life, learned new things about myself, and most importantly: noticed that we really do change all the time. I am not the same now as I was yesterday or a year ago.
__________________
I am a woman with two male partners: CJ (legal husband) and Mark (no label added).
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 05-26-2014, 03:17 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 171
Default Conflict resolution

I did make a note on this blog about trust issues in my relationships a couple months ago. We managed to work through them, and now I know both my partners better than before. The trust we now have lies on a more firm ground than before; it is less based on assumptions and more based on reality. I cannot swear that we’d have gotten rid of all false assumptions, but some anyway. Yay to that!

This was the first time in my life I actually managed to properly work through a conflict. Not giving up on anyone involved, not holding to my unrealistic ideals or anything such.

As a child, I did not learn any useful conflict resolution skills at all. In my birth family there was no such thing as “conflict resolution”. If someone disagreed with “the will of God” which most often was the way my parents or the church wanted things to be, the wrongdoer had to submit to the “truth”. If they did not, they were disowned and all ties cut with them - no matter who they were. Biologically related or not (my parents have disowned several of their many children, as well as their own siblings and parents).

If I ended up in a disagreement with my friends, the advice given at home was to cut all ties with that friend. And this I did a lot of times in my life - it was the only way I knew to deal with problems: to run away from them.

Now, as I ended up in a real conflict with my partners, my initial thought was to run away. Run away from both of them and start fresh someplace new, with all new people, in a new country. Just start all over again. Exactly what I have done several times in my life. Just this time I realized it is not a good idea at all. I love my partners, and I want to stay together with them. And that is what I did this time - with good results. Amazing! I actually have learned new skills!

Also, my suicidal thoughts did surface again during the conflict. Luckily they are less intense and shorter-lived than ever before. Probably one day I can say that I truly *want* to live… to the end. Or maybe not. Anyway, life has gotten much easier to handle in the recent years.

ETA: With all this in mind, it is almost unbelievable that I am able to maintain a healthy poly dynamic. Maybe I have seen many enough examples of how *not* to do it, and read about the better ways - and managed to put them into practise. This is nothing short of a miracle, actually.
__________________
I am a woman with two male partners: CJ (legal husband) and Mark (no label added).

Last edited by Nadya; 05-26-2014 at 03:24 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 05-26-2014, 03:39 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,235
Default

I just want to say I am very moved and feel happy for you after reading your two last posts.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 05-27-2014, 04:18 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 171
Default

Thank you, nycindie!
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 09-08-2014, 05:10 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 171
Default

We have now moved in together, me and my two guys. Our polycule starts to operate more and more like one family. CJ and Mark have recently become true friends, it looks like from my perspective. They have found a deeper respect for each other as they have spent more time together, doing projects in and around the house.

Life is good, very fulfilling. Very predictable and drama free, but enjoyable.
__________________
I am a woman with two male partners: CJ (legal husband) and Mark (no label added).
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 09-09-2014, 01:04 AM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 264
Default

Congrats!
__________________
Me: 40s female
Kip: 50s male, married.
Prof: 50s male.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 09-09-2014, 02:34 AM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 834
Default

Yup. All the best!
Good luck finding places to put another person's worth of stuff, BTW.
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 09-09-2014, 04:38 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 171
Default

Atlantis, thanks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Good luck finding places to put another person's worth of stuff, BTW.
You nailed it Oh My God - all the STUFF. A lot of the stuff is still in boxes... and we are planning to sell some of it. Going through all of it takes time, let me tell you...
__________________
I am a woman with two male partners: CJ (legal husband) and Mark (no label added).
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:50 PM.