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  #11  
Old 03-09-2014, 02:32 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You are doing what you can do. Could focus on this work:

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I asked my husband to consider new options and while he does that i will prove i can balance more. Since monday (when he told me), i practise that. Also i am so happy that he is willing to go to couples counseling.
and not focus on "losing people" and paralyzing self. Can you list what unbalanced behavior you were doing that led to unhappy? Can you list what balanced behavior you will replace it with?

It will turn out how it does in the end. But if you are doing the work of bringing more balance to what was skewed now that he's made you aware, perhaps then husband can feel less poly hell about it if he was feeling those kinds of things.

It sounds like he's willing to work with you here on change -- he just doesn't want more of same where his needs were not being met. Can you articulate his needs back to him and he agrees that you "got it?"

What makes you feel "alive" and "passionate" with husband? Just cuz you are married doesn't mean those aspects are lost to you in that relationship. If you both have not been tending that, could do it now.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-09-2014 at 02:34 AM.
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  #12  
Old 03-09-2014, 07:01 AM
Eclipse Eclipse is offline
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
Acquiescing to her husband's ultimatum will not fix the issue and is only likely to drive them even further apart. Run this scenario: she cuts all contact with boyfriend. She is sad. Maybe she can't hide her sadness. So he has what he thinks he wants, but still feels rejected. He becomes even more resentful. Say she can hide her sadness. Not being able to be honest, hiding feelings, the marriage becomes a total sham. She withdraws and becomes resentful.

It would be totally understandable if the husband stated that he had tried and could not do poly, so he was bowing out. But he will gain nothing by coercion.
Absolutely, and that's where compromise comes into play.

Based on Hoyam's previous posts on other threads, I get a very clear sense that she was much more comfortable with being poly than her husband was. I understand the sentiment... my wife was apprehensive about becoming poly. Fortunately for us, we are in a mostly closed cohabitative triad, so we had no choice but to communicate. In a very short time, my wife and Freckles became as close to each other as I am to them. Just tonight I came home from work to find them snuggled up on the couch watching a movie together.

While I'm sure that we don't have the full story, based on what we have I see a husband that was remarkably tolerant to Hoyam's foray into polydom despite having misgivings. He gave it a six month go and decided he is no longer comfortable with it.

The following really sucks, but it IS the harsh reality...

In the case of a long time husband who was lukewarm about being poly to begin with, I would make that relationship the priority. He did something he wasn't comfortable with to make you happy, it didn't work out. If you are unable to find a middle ground and he IS willing to follow through on his threats, you will be crucified by your family and friends and his family and friends. Anyone who doesn't understand our lifestyle will see you as the woman who found a boyfriend and broke up her marriage and upended her kids lives for a new boytoy. Your husband will never be seen as anything but a victim.

In a perfect world, we can live our lives without caring what others think of us, but our world is far from perfect.

Would I be able to follow my own advice?

Jesus... the only thing I can hope is I never have to answer that. Curls and Freckles are my world. I can't see any scenario where things can go that bad, and I hope that I never do. However, I have been married to Curls for fifteen years and we have three daughters. If she told me tomorrow that I had to choose, I would choose her. It would be a horrific decision to make and I would never completely forgive her for putting me in such a position, but we have kids together and we have a very long history together whereas my history with Freckles is comparatively short. I recognize that as our relationship grows and matures, things will become more muddy in this respect, but for right now I would make the hard decision to switch things back to the way they were.

I'm so sorry you are in the position, and I hope that you can pull things through.
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  #13  
Old 03-09-2014, 07:14 AM
london london is offline
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Husband has had enough. Simple. Make your choice.
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  #14  
Old 03-09-2014, 07:47 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Is the boyfriend a "boy toy"? I've only been with Sam for 6 weeks but he's no boy toy to me. Hes someone I love who doesn't deserve to be dumped on my husband's whim.
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  #15  
Old 03-09-2014, 08:00 AM
london london is offline
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Maybe not. But when you open a relationship and someone isn't happy, they can absolutely ask for their relationship to return to how it was or terminate. OP starting a relationship when her existing partner isn't fully on board was her mistake. Consequently, she has to deal with this fallout.
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  #16  
Old 03-09-2014, 08:20 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
Is the boyfriend a "boy toy"? I've only been with Sam for 6 weeks but he's no boy toy to me. Hes someone I love who doesn't deserve to be dumped on my husband's whim.
Wow...

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with this perspective - but, in my personal timeline, 6 weeks is...well, a blink of the eye. At the six week mark, I would barely consider myself to have truly "met" someone - let alone be in a relationship. Whenever Dude would be befuddled about not understanding some aspect of me, I would respond with..."Of course you don't know me that well yet, we have only been together for a minute." Just last week I admitted that we had been together for longer than "a minute" (it will be three years in April - and he has been living with us full time for most of that).

To be fair - I am really VERY guarded with my emotions. I was practically living with MrS (sleeping with him and spending the majority of my time and nights with him) for 6 months before I finally admitted that he was my "boyfriend" (took me 18 mos to finally tell him that I "loved" him). (Dude cut those times about in half, after all I've had twice as much practice)

That being said - NO ONE deserved to have their heart yanked about on someone's "whim"...

JaneQ

PS. My timeframe is definitely skewed - since, for me, the "real" relationship doesn't even start until the NRE has worn off...before that it is just a "crush" (or infatuation)...
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-09-2014 at 08:23 AM.
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  #17  
Old 03-09-2014, 09:10 AM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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Thanks for all the opinions. There seems to be people who just don't accept the forcing of chosing and people who understand.
Me, i understand his opinion. He tried, didn't succeed, loves me as i was before and wants that back. And, as some people write: he was there before, i share a life, family, children, finances, everything with him. From a distance i would advice myself to stop while my husband is still there and make the best of it. If this was about somebody else my answer would be easy.
But... It is about me, my feelings, my heart, my life. And i have given that advice to myself before but it is too painful. Losing my new found life, the sweet new boyfriend, the woman i am when i am with that other man, even the new wife i have became with my husband. It is like a picture where u have to search for something and u don't find it. After a while, when you see it, you cannot not-see-it anymore. Once you see it it is just there. This is the same for me. I cannot go back as if i don't have these feelings. As somebody wrote before: even if i would stop seeing my boyfriend, my feelings for him and the fact that i cannot have that would be in between my husband and i.

Somebody asked what was out of balance and what i try to do different now: it has mostly to do with focus. Texting with boyfriend while husband was there, having too much evenings with the boyfriend instead of him, spending much money on the other (other continent, so phonecalls instead of waiting for him to come to skype etc). My husband wants to feel i am realy with him.

Somebody talked about stopping with the boyfriend and opening the mariage for sex. Well, that is not what i want. I want this boyfriend cause i love him deeply. It is more than sex, much more. So, i have no clue if my husband would be willing to open the mariage for sex with others, but since that is not my need, i have no need to discus this with him.

Anyhow, my husband says he wants counseling, but he is clear he doesn't want to give me false hope. He says poly is not his thing, right now.
In the mean time my boyfriend (who doesn't want to be the cause of a divorce) says he is keeping distance. And me, i am so frustrated, hurt and angry that everybody seems to decide for me, instead of with me. Yes, i have tried this poly thing, yes it was mostly because it involved my feelings (they are both mono). That might sound selfish. But one thing, i was always honest. And honesty is not always the most easy path. Honesty is diffecult sometimes, but i never was weak, always i was honest. And the fact that first my husband comes to me with the announcement: i wanted to tell u i decided a while ago i want a divorce, but i want to give you the opportunity to chose. And almost a week later my boyfriend announces: i don't want to cause a divorce, so without telling you i have made plans to take my distance from you.
I am so upset that i lost control, everybody is doing their own thing instead of together. I feel like: who am i kidding? Every relationship, mono or poly, needs honesty and i feel like at this moment i don't get it from both of them. Yes i understand that this is such a diffecult time for them. I understand cause it is just as diffecult for me!

Wauw, poly is not as easy as it sounds for an outsider!
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  #18  
Old 03-09-2014, 10:15 AM
london london is offline
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They're both being honest, you're simply resentful because it doesn't suit you. It's both understandable and reasonable that this poly experience has shown you that polyamory makes you happier and monogamy makes your husband happier. That might be the case even when you rectify your mistakes. That isn't anyone's fault.
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  #19  
Old 03-09-2014, 10:40 AM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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Tnx london, maybe you are right. Maybe it is honest but it is just not what i want to hear from them. And that frustrates me a lot.

What i find diffecult is that ofcourse both have right to make choices. But i feel like it is not as much a choice they are telling me, but a way to force me into a certain direction.
Also, both of them made promisses that are gone by these choices. So even though it is not their intention, it does feel a little unfair, as a lie.
For example my husband promised me i could build on both our relationship as the relationship with my boyfriend. I told him often not to let me go this far with my emotions if he didn't intent on letting me build with the boyfriend too. He said i could do that, even go to be with him for a week. Now, after, i feel like he had hope that i would come back, convinced i should be with only him. He said always he would never put me in the point of forcing to chose. But he does.

For example my boyfriend: he said that he thinks of this situation as a boat. If one of us falls out or is in diffeculties the other 2 should give their hands to help the other one. Now, we are in diffeculties, his solution is to go away. I believe he does still love me, so i don't understand why he thinks stepping out of the boat is the best solution. That was not as he promised before.

And know, there are never garantees in life. And that frustrates me the most. I just wish i could be a loving mother and wife in my family and am able to enjoy the love i get and give to another sweet beautiful kind of love with my new found love.
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  #20  
Old 03-09-2014, 03:05 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Wow...

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with this perspective - but, in my personal timeline, 6 weeks is...well, a blink of the eye. At the six week mark, I would barely consider myself to have truly "met" someone - let alone be in a relationship. Whenever Dude would be befuddled about not understanding some aspect of me, I would respond with..."Of course you don't know me that well yet, we have only been together for a minute." Just last week I admitted that we had been together for longer than "a minute" (it will be three years in April - and he has been living with us full time for most of that).

To be fair - I am really VERY guarded with my emotions. I was practically living with MrS (sleeping with him and spending the majority of my time and nights with him) for 6 months before I finally admitted that he was my "boyfriend" (took me 18 mos to finally tell him that I "loved" him). (Dude cut those times about in half, after all I've had twice as much practice)

That being said - NO ONE deserved to have their heart yanked about on someone's "whim"...

JaneQ

PS. My timeframe is definitely skewed - since, for me, the "real" relationship doesn't even start until the NRE has worn off...before that it is just a "crush" (or infatuation)...
Well I've known him for a couple years and our 6 weeks together has been very close and intense. We've spent every long weekend to together this whole time while nate was away in a medical study. So to me it feels more like several months
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