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  #11  
Old 04-10-2010, 12:01 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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What made me happy about all of this in the beginning that it seems like I've lost now is the connection with both of them. Let's just clear up the sex versus relationship issue. Yes the sex is great, but no I never planned on that being the focus of our relationship. I want a real meaningful relationship for all 3 of us. I want us all to be one big happy family. We consider everything ours. The kids, the pets, the house, finances, decision making, etc. etc.
A) congrats...it sounds like you have what most people would want (loving polyamory )
b) if communication is that important to your friendships and relationships than maybe you need to take the time to either tell them this...or initiate. Everyone has differing levels of communication. Now that everything is comfy, maybe they don't feel the need to talk all the time?...If communication is your ideal...then you need to tell them that.

I am a touchy person, I want to be touched...if I don't tell my partner(s) AND they aren't touchy feely...I have to blame myself for failing to communicate that



Quote:
In the beginning I wanted it to go beyond just the sexual aspect of the relationship. I love them both and they both love me. Their love is different for each other then what it is with me. They love each other but they aren't in love with each other at least not yet. Make sense? I want them to be in love with each other. I want this relationship to be more than just sexual.
I am left a little confused...but I think I kind of get it. Your love(s) will all be different. Don't worry about comparing them, you will just torture yourself (kind of what you are doing)...there are 4 connections in a relationship like yours...all 4 connections won't be completely equal
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  #12  
Old 04-10-2010, 01:10 AM
confusedpoly confusedpoly is offline
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I am confusing arent I? Thats why I picked the name I did confusedpoly.

Again I find myself lacking when it comes to clearly saying what I mean.

I do want all of us to be together but it's so hard at times that I don't know if I can continue trying to work at it. I'm looking for help because I want to make it work but I lack the skills or knowledge of how to do so. Let me remind you that I have previously said that I don't just run away from problems when things get hard. I want to know how to deal with all my crazy thoughts and feelings and I am also aware that I am the major source of issues in our relationship right now. I would like all of us to be able to evolve together, to overcome our issues and become a stronger triangle.

I don't agree with your comment about my problem plagued world, just because we all love each other doesn't mean that it makes everything easier.
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  #13  
Old 04-10-2010, 01:57 AM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Originally Posted by confusedpoly View Post
I feel like I have lost the connection with both of them. None of talk like we use to and yes I know a large part of that is because of me. Which I have taken immediate steps to rectify. Tomorrow night is date night. I told both of them to bring a list of things they want to talk about: thoughts, feelings, issues, good things, bad things, things that need improved and changed. I hope this helps.

I'm not ready to give up on all of us yet. I love them both. I just find myself constantly struggling to accept.
I have a question for you. Do you have date nights with each of them individually or is it always a three way date?

It may seem like you never get alone time with either of them because it seems like you are always together, all three (or more with kids) of you. Shared intimacy can be wonderful but you have to take care to have some of that one on one intimacy as well or you could risk losing that which brought you and your husband, you and your girlfriend and your husband and girlfriend together in the first place.

My boyfriends and I have nights which are ours exclusively. Sunday night is for my Primary. That time is ours to do with as we choose. We usually spend it reconnecting after a long work week and a weekend of having my kids around. Sometimes we invite friends to join us for a movie night or a potluck dinner.

Tuesdays is for Possibility and myself. It's for quiet times, TV shows on DVD, reconnecting after a week apart.

Usually Wednesday is for my Primary and his possibility, depending on their work schedules.

Friday nights are my time to reconnect with myself and recharge my batteries! The kids are out with friends, boyfriends are gaming together & I get the peace and quiet my soul craves during the week.

I will second (or is it third) http://www.xeromag.com. I have used it to help me get past the hurdles of jealousy and hurt feelings, communication (or lack of), how NOT to do polyamory, how to be a secondary, etc.

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just because we all love each other doesn't mean that it makes everything easier
You just said a mouth full! Love can often times complicate things beyond our wildest imaginings! In the end though it is worth the effort.
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  #14  
Old 04-10-2010, 03:26 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by confusedpoly View Post
I am confusing arent I? Thats why I picked the name I did confusedpoly.

Again I find myself lacking when it comes to clearly saying what I mean.

I do want all of us to be together but it's so hard at times that I don't know if I can continue trying to work at it. I'm looking for help because I want to make it work but I lack the skills or knowledge of how to do so. Let me remind you that I have previously said that I don't just run away from problems when things get hard. I want to know how to deal with all my crazy thoughts and feelings and I am also aware that I am the major source of issues in our relationship right now. I would like all of us to be able to evolve together, to overcome our issues and become a stronger triangle.
hmmm...be settled with the fact you have something to make work. This doesn't happen often. You have a working triad but as with all things it will take effort. You are in the situation looking out...working with a situation where everyone cares for each other is...well like any relationship. Difficult. Communicate, talk, speak your mind and figure out how they communicate so you can work with them. Everyone communicates differently, once you figure that out, you can use the tools you have and make it work.

ok to specific points, we all lack the skills initially to deal with these problems. These are unique to a small group of introverted people. While relationship tools are universal you have to do research to figure out how to make what you have work. It reads like you have to do the step one...communicate fully...start there and other challenges will come up...thats half the fun...

Make sure you realize you have the germination of a potentially great thing...you just have to help it grow (god that sounds very hippy of me...yikes)

Quote:
I don't agree with your comment about my problem plagued world, just because we all love each other doesn't mean that it makes everything easier.
You are past step one (everyone loving and wanting the same thing)...thats further than most get...
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  #15  
Old 04-10-2010, 03:31 AM
shreekrsna shreekrsna is offline
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Default try expanding your love of HER

Hi there,

The key is to be connected to HER as well. Try that, breath and hold her, love her. Clear anything with her and welcome her into your heart. There must be a strong connection with her for this to feel right...

Best,
Tom
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  #16  
Old 04-10-2010, 05:30 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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The New Love Without Limits-Deborah Anapol

Living Happily Ever After-Marsha Sinetar

The Seven Levels of Intimacy- Matthew Kelly

Nonviolent Communication-Marshall B. Rosenberg


That's my starting book list.

Honestly they aren't all "poly" books. BUT they are all books that will make poly easier.
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  #17  
Old 04-10-2010, 01:36 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi again CP,

Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedpoly View Post
I do want all of us to be together but it's so hard at times that I don't know if I can continue trying to work at it.
So can you get any definite sense of what exactly you feel is "hard" ?
You had mentioned earlier some sense of "losing connection". Is that it ? You may want to investigate whether it's really a lost connection - or the maturation and passing of what we usually call NRE. If it turns out to be that - it's ok. That's perfectly natural in any relationship. Although it may seems something has gone away it really is just something that's evolved to another stage.

If you don't think that's what it is, then it may be that you have this certain picture in your mind about how you EXPECTED things to unfold. And maybe it will be different ? That's neither good nor bad. It just is. Expectations are always dangerous things in a fluid world. Best to try to learn to be flexible and minimize (or at least don't attach to) expectations. Keeps things simpler.

Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedpoly View Post
I don't agree with your comment about my problem plagued world, just because we all love each other doesn't mean that it makes everything easier.
Please pardon the little tongue-in-cheek there
But off topic, it's good to remind ourselves that despite the complications, living in a world surrounded by love & caring is a luxury that many, many people in this world will never have. Good to have perspective.

Keep going................

GS
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  #18  
Old 04-14-2010, 10:02 PM
confusedpoly confusedpoly is offline
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I am feeling so blessed to have found this website. All of you have been absolutely wonderful with your advice and your lack of judgement. I hope that if this relationship works that one day I can help someone else who is in a similiar situation to mine like all of you.

To keep everyone updated: I have since last posting specifically asked him why he loves me. It was nice to hear and long overdue, I had forgotten why he was with me in the first place.

I am going to go find the list of books that Loving Radience has suggested tomorrow and I'm going to visit the website that has been recommended several times now as soon as I am done posting this.

I am going to focus on myself (but only for the time being) I am going to do a lot of soul searching to discover the deep down reason for why seeing them together hurts, I am going to figure out my expectations and what I want this relationship to be like. I am going to work on me as an individual (how can I be a part of a relationship, especially a triad, if I don't feel like I know me anymore?) Then I am going to work on my communication skills with both of them seperately and then all three of us together.

To answer someone's question (can't remember who) yes we have seperate times together. Him and I have a night and him and her have a night. But perhaps she and I need a night as well. A good point was made about me needing to love her more. And I need some time for myself. No significant others, no kids, and I'm not going to let myself sit around and be bored and miserable turning this time I am going to try and use it constructively to work on figuring out what makes me happy.

Again, I cannot thank all of you enough. Especially you Loving Radience and Grounded Spirit, you two have been with me from the beginning of this and I feel like (god this is going to sound lame) like I have found two people who could really be my friends and who really care about what I am going through.

Sometimes not having people to talk to can be very difficult. I don't know anyone who is in a polyamorous relationship and sometimes I just can't talk to the people I am with. (which I am going to work on). Its just great beyond words to have somewhere to go.

I'll let everyone know how things go as they happen.
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  #19  
Old 04-15-2010, 02:05 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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GREAT plan!

When it starts to feel like it's a hopeless plan (and it will) get your butt back on here and talk-because it's not hopeless, it's just that those feelings WILL arise again. They CAN be handled-don't let them handle you.


As for 2 friends, since Groundedspirit is ACTUALLY 2 people, that means you made 3.

Keep your head up and keep us posted.

Some ideas for "you" time.

I take a bath, with a book almost every evening. Sometimes it's only 10-15 minutes long, some days it's an hour. But it's MY time and I really make good on enjoying it.

I also take a walk almost every day. THAT is an hour and fifteen minutes-4.5 miles. I can't tell you how much that hour of walking does for me.
At first I HATED walking.
But after 6 months or so I noticed that even though I kept SAYING "I hate walking" if I didn't go I got anxious and emotional and tense.
After about a year I gave in and admitted that I like the walks.
After about 18 months I acknowledged that I NEED those walks and now I just do it!
When I'm all healed up from my surgeries, I'm going to start running! Even if I can only run for 1 minute at a time, I'm going to start, someday I'm doing the Ironman triathlon.

Pick a goal, doesn't matter what, then just stick to it.
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  #20  
Old 04-15-2010, 02:08 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Please pardon the little tongue-in-cheek there
But off topic, it's good to remind ourselves that despite the complications, living in a world surrounded by love & caring is a luxury that many, many people in this world will never have. Good to have perspective.
Great advice!
Going to send that one to Maca.
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