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  #1  
Old 03-04-2014, 02:00 AM
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Smiles Smiles is offline
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Default open or poly?

Hello everybody,

My wife and I have been together for 22 years, married for 13 years. We still get along great most of the time, we are best friends, we co-parent, we have companionship, and we keep an intact home for our daughter.

For 17 years, our marriage was almost sexless. That was fine because she filled a need that no other woman before her filled.

Then several years ago, I hit my MLC. I started to get in shape and sex went from 2X a month to 10X a month. My wife didnt know what hit her. She was fine with sex 2X a month. But I wasnt. I felt I had 17 years to catch up on. My wife and I love each other and she will give me the sex I desire, but it seems to be too much for her. She loves me enough to try. I love her for that...

It started off as her jokingly telling me I need a lover...It continued and she was even telling our close friends that she was OK if I have sex with other women. Still it was sounding like she was joking... we decided to have an open marriage. We have a two page contract for our open marriage agreement. We both signed it along with a witness. One who we talked about our open marriage with over the past 6 monts or so.

Something changed after signing the contract. My wife became more romantic and loving...Maybe it was because I was treating her better...I am nicer, I stopped nicpicking, and stopped bringing up past resentments...all part of the contract. I became a friend again...My wife and I are having better sex and she is orgasms more than ever. I no longer expected or demanded sex anymore . It seemed to take the pressure off of her. I haven't even had an outside relationship yet... Not sexual anyway. I dont know what is really happening in my mind. I feel better though.

I have many female friends. I am a talker. That is a change from years of being an introvert. I enjoy to company of my female friends. I am also very active in a hiking group. I am meeting more women there. I am also making male friends. I havent had any male friends most of my adult life. That is beginning to change as well.

I found this site in hopes to find others like me. I dont know if I am poly minded. I don't want to cheat. I tell my wife about all the women Iam meeting including conversations we talk about. I have been on some lunch dates, but mostly just having fun meeting new people

Eventually I will find somebody with the right chemistry... I have a few potentials and I honestly hope my wife is OK with this arrangement and not hiding any negitive feelings...

I dont know how I will feel when I do have a sexual relationship. I dont want anybody to get hurt especially my wife. I do know if my wife tells he to stop, I will in a heartbeat because I love her more than anything.

I'll be posting more as I progress in my marriage and new relationships

I'll study up on the acroynyms...there are so many...

Last edited by Smiles; 03-04-2014 at 01:10 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-04-2014, 07:48 AM
Tiberius Tiberius is offline
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Welcome! It seems that you understand the most important thing about being poly, which is that honesty, openness and communication is absolutely vital.
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Old 03-04-2014, 09:09 PM
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Hi Smiles,

Sounds like you are proceeding with caution, and tapping into the wisdom of a good poly forum, which is exactly what you need to do. Just take it slow, and check with your wife frequently to see how she's feeling about things.

Curious: Is she also interested in dating new people, or is this just mainly her giving you the okay for it?

Regardless of whether you decide you're poly, I hope you and your wife enjoy much happiness together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 03-05-2014, 01:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi Smiles,

Sounds like you are proceeding with caution, and tapping into the wisdom of a good poly forum, which is exactly what you need to do. Just take it slow, and check with your wife frequently to see how she's feeling about things.

Curious: Is she also interested in dating new people, or is this just mainly her giving you the okay for it?

Regardless of whether you decide you're poly, I hope you and your wife enjoy much happiness together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
My wife was a virgin at age 25...It took about a year to consummate our relationship...I was always patient with her...I don't believe she would want to go out on a date with anybody else...

I don't think I would mind at all if she had a relationship with another man (or woman)...when I met her she had a close lesbian friend...my wife was so sheltered, I don't think she was ever intimate with her.

My wife isn't really honest with her feelings with me. (My gut instincts) I have to go by what she verbally tells me. We do communicate. I think the problem she has with an open/marriage is not being able to talk about it with her family.

It's about having morals... She says...

She is doing this for me to make me happy...However, if this arrangement is going to hurt her, She has to let me know soon...
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Old 03-05-2014, 03:06 AM
Tiberius Tiberius is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smiles View Post
She is doing this for me to make me happy...However, if this arrangement is going to hurt her, She has to let me know soon...
If there's any doubt about it, I'd really recommend that you hold back.
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Old 03-05-2014, 03:36 AM
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Quote:
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If there's any doubt about it, I'd really recommend that you hold back.
Yes, I understand this. That's why I am on this forum. My wife isnt all that affectionate. I am all about the hugs and kisses. Sometimes I want to on the receiving end of it.

I do know its all about communication.

How can I get my wife to tell me what she is really thinking instead of telling me what she thinks I want to hear?
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Old 03-05-2014, 06:05 AM
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Well, I don't know that there's a way to "get her" to do that; she has to decide to do that on her own. Maybe there's some kind of slick salesman technique you can use to "get her to yes," but if there is, it's probably not very ethical to use it (and it would be out of my range of expertise regardless).

Given the misgivings you have about the communication between you two, and worries about her dissatisfaction (even after signing a two-page contract!), I think that instead of acting on any of these open and/or poly feelings, the two of you should get together with a marriage counselor. Preferably a poly-friendly one. I have links to help you find a poly-friendly counselor if needed, just let me know.

So she's not happy about the poly; you're not happy with things in the marriage (e.g. not getting the hugs and kisses you would like). Has there been troubles in the past where you found out she wasn't being honest with you about how unhappy she was? Sometimes people hold back out of fear of hurting the other person's feelings. Perhaps she is trying to spare your feelings and not rock the boat?

At any rate, poly (or any open arrangement for that matter) is generally not recommended when your "baseline relationship" (i.e. your marriage) doesn't have sure footing. The most I would do about poly for now if I were you is just to read and post here on Polyamory.com and see what kind of collective wisdom you can tap into. But I do suspect, from what little I've read of your story so far, that the marital problems are pretty serious: more serious perhaps than they seem to be on the surface.
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Old 03-05-2014, 08:50 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Sounds as though you have good reason to believe that your wife isn't 100% on board with an open relationship. Whenever I read about somebody doing something that upsets them just to make a partner happy, it seems to go less than well.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Smiles View Post
when I met her she had a close lesbian friend...my wife was so sheltered, I don't think she was ever intimate with her.
I'm interested in this. Was your wife attracted to her friend? Has she ever been attracted to a woman.

It sounds from your writing as if you are unused to having many friends and you may have something of a strange impression of friendship. All friendships don't have to become sexual relationships. I have a number of close lesbian friends and a number of close heterosexual male friends who I've never had sex with. Not because I'm particularly sheltered - just because for a variety of reasons, sex isn't part of those friendships.

Just because I may be attracted to some men and a male friend of mine may be attracted to some women doesn't mean that he and I have to have sex.
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Old 03-05-2014, 11:20 AM
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I don't think we have serious marriage problems. We did a while back,but it is getting better.

My wife grew up with a "sex is bad" attitude. I see that with her siblings as well.

I grew up with a cheating Dad and Divorce, My mother bringing men home on occasion and one time when we all had to share a room, I was asleep in the room and my mom was having sex with a man just a few feet away. She was a little drunk and didn't know I was there. My Dad later cheated on my step mom and he told me all about like I was his best bud...

My wife believes her parents stopped having sex after she was born.. She doesn't believe they have had sex in 30 years. I always heard my Dad and step-mom having sex.

Even though I experienced all that, I never saw it as. dirty. I think my wife has the opposite attitude.

Going to a MC? My wife says all they will do is help us compromise. So that's what she is doing...

I don't know if we have serious marriage issues.Everything else is good.

My wife isn't the affectionate type. Not even with our daughter. My wife doesn't even call her sister or parents all that often. She withholds the truth with them as well to spare their feelings. That's just how she is. I know she probably does that with me as well.

We have been together a very long time... I was the one who changed... I didn't think getting in shape would have such an impact on my libido...I have to deal with that. I have to give her more time.

I don't want sex with all of my new female friends, even the attractive ones. Most I don't feel the sexual chemistry anyway. I like the friend part of it...Just talking to people in general.

My wife was my only friend for 22 years. There has been just 3 nights in 22 years that we have been apart, plus the 6 months we split up early on in our relationship. She is still everything to me and she is a wonderful woman.

All I know is that since we have been talking about sex more and about an open marriage and then signing the contract, she has bee way more sexual....When I talk about other possible relationships, she becomes even more affectionate..

Yes, she is afraid of loosing me, that is part of it as well, I don't want to lose her either.

I just feel on some level I forced her into this, even though she seemed very happy to sign it... Even a little giddy....She is the one telling our mutual close friends about it...

I am not going to have sex with another woman in the near future..I have to get to know them first and a lot has to happen before that point... For one thing they may not be OK with me being married...I have discovered that as well in a very short time...

If we decide to rip up our contract, I am fine with that. I don't want my wife to be devistated if I end up having sex with another woman.

Last edited by Smiles; 03-05-2014 at 11:24 AM.
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Old 03-05-2014, 01:26 PM
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To add... I was 12 years old when I saw my mom having sex a few feet away...I don't think she was embarrassed the next day when I told her I was in the room...I don't remember how I felt back then. I know soon after that, I moved to live with my dad.

My wife did tell me recently that I always wanted an open marriage... I don't remember ever saying that...She even told me when I first told her about my childhood, I said that I wasn't sure I would be monogamous. I don't remember that either. She expected me to have affairs over the years, especially now that we opened our marriage.

Somehow we have made it 22 years and we still love each other. It's just not the sexual lust, passionate love. We are still good together. I don't want that to end.

I think that is why I am here on this forum... It doesn't seem like I will be judged too harshly here...

I welcome all opinions...
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