Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 03-02-2014, 10:36 PM
Snic85 Snic85 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 20
Default How to make my boyfriend feel more valued?

I am married and in my first poly relationship. Ive been with my boyfriend for about four months, and it's his first ploy relationship as well. My question is how do I make him feel like he is important to me and that I value our relationship?
I think he is having difficulty with the fact that we will never marry and raise a family together, and because of what it can never be he feels like his feelings, thoughts, and needs don't matter.
I haved expressed my concern with him and have told him that I want to know his needs and wants so I can try and meet them. His reply was that he doesn't want to be selfish and is afrade of causing issues with me and my husband. Will it just take time for him to adjust? for us to adjust? .

FYI my boyfriend is not with anyone else.
.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-02-2014, 11:39 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519
Default

There's really no way you can "make" him feel valued. You can be there for him, you can do everything you can to show him you love him; but it's up to him to believe and trust you.

I wouldn't exactly "encourage him into another relationship," but I'd make it clear that I had no issue with him dating or marrying another person. That being with you in no way takes away the possibility of living an outwardly normal life. He may not even realize that is an option. It might make him feel more secure to know he can have that, and be with you. And the longer he stays with you, the more he'll come to realize what he means to you and that this relationship really is serious to you.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-03-2014, 06:05 AM
Inyourendo's Avatar
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
Posts: 1,160
Default

I made my boyfriend feel valued because his home is becoming my (second) home.there is no reason he and I can't have a child in the future. No reason I can't treat him like a equal partner and live with him half my available time. He knows he's not just some secondary partner to me, but that he's just as important to me as a boyfriend as my husband is.
__________________
Sue, hinge in a vee with Nate (Polysexual) and Sam (monogamous)
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-03-2014, 05:03 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 288
Default

Several people here have pointed me towards the articles regarding "love languages". The thought behind the love language theory is that everyone expressed or trades love in one of a few ways. My way may not be your way and vice versa.

Find out which one he values the most and give it to him.
__________________
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 03-03-2014, 05:03 PM
Spock Spock is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: East Bay California
Posts: 134
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Snic85 View Post
I am married and in my first poly relationship. Ive been with my boyfriend for about four months, and it's his first ploy relationship as well. My question is how do I make him feel like he is important to me and that I value our relationship?
It's mostly his job to feel valued.

It's your job to actually be involved in a healthy and positive relationship. The hard part of any relationship is figuring out your needs. Does he need conversation? Physical affection? Activities (like dates?) or maybe life events (like meeting and greeting and being shown off to achieve social status?)? Shared time (cooking, cleaning, gardening, etc)? Kids?

Quote:
I think he is having difficulty with the fact that we will never marry and raise a family together, and because of what it can never be he feels like his feelings, thoughts, and needs don't matter.
Okay, so the marriage part isn't legal (yet), but is the rest true? Will you never have a family together, and is that important to him?

Quote:
I haved expressed my concern with him and have told him that I want to know his needs and wants so I can try and meet them. His reply was that he doesn't want to be selfish and is afrade of causing issues with me and my husband. Will it just take time for him to adjust? for us to adjust? .

FYI my boyfriend is not with anyone else.
.
Maybe he doesn't know yet what his needs are. Those are the kinds of things that might not even be noticed until they aren't being filled.

If you've lived by yourself for a while you start realizing you have certain needs; when in a relationship those needs 'disappear' since they aren't negative spaces any more, but new needs appear.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 03-03-2014, 05:45 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,115
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
I made my boyfriend feel valued because his home is becoming my (second) home.there is no reason he and I can't have a child in the future. No reason I can't treat him like a equal partner and live with him half my available time. He knows he's not just some secondary partner to me, but that he's just as important to me as a boyfriend as my husband is.
I agree with Inyourendo.

Murf gets equal consideration and treatment. If we had met 10 years earlier we could have had children together. His home is my home. He consults me on major life issues. Leans on me when times are tough. And vice versa.His wants and needs never come second. He is never treated as a secret.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 03-03-2014, 09:58 PM
Snic85 Snic85 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 20
Default

We'll it doesn't matter now, he broke up with me by text. He said he needs to "work on himself before he can be in a relationship as deep as ours." So now I'm dealing with my first breakup in poly, just as my husband starts his first relationship. Ugh.... It really makes you think weather you want to put your heart out their again just to be crushed.

Btw he does have self esteem issues and he's divorced (9mos ago), and we have had trust issues just in the last week.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 03-03-2014, 10:09 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,666
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Snic85 View Post
We'll it doesn't matter now, he broke up with me by text. He said he needs to "work on himself before he can be in a relationship as deep as ours." So now I'm dealing with my first breakup in poly, just as my husband starts his first relationship. Ugh.... It really makes you think weather you want to put your heart out their again just to be crushed.

Btw he does have self esteem issues and he's divorced (9mos ago), and we have had trust issues just in the last week.
Well that sucks! ((Hugs))
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:32 AM.