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Old 02-25-2014, 07:46 PM
Spiritowl Spiritowl is offline
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Default Old GF issues getting bad

Hi guys,
I'm looking for advice and or just support and a place to vent this issue...

I am married to my primary. My other lover Paul has had many relationships in the past, some purely sexual and others more involved. He is a mature 43 year old with a stable job. He is a a blessing in my life.

However one girl has remained a severe issue. I met her a year ago. She has been in and out of his life for 16 years. She is involved with his kids and his family... So after they decided that they were destructive in a 'relationship' with each other they chose to stay in touch and be friends. He has been able to do this with almost every other woman he has been with and keep it a friendship.

But in this woman's case she is obsessed... I'm bringing it up today because just a few hours ago she admired to hacking into his cell phone bill and has been watching it every day online to see who he calls and texts etc. he is very big about privacy and this I hope will be the last straw.

She detests me becuse I came along just as they were breakin it off... She sees me as the catalyst even tho things had been very bad and 'controlling' on her part for a long time. It didn't take long for me to block her on FB and get rid of all her contact info so I was not involved in her issues. But I have still had to deal with them through being with him. We work very well together and I can't see this tearing us apart. However it does NOT make this easy.

She demands even now to know his every move, which he refuses to tell her. But she is so angry. Part of me is worried she will do more irrational things involving me....

He feels obligated to stay in touch with her because of her involvement with his family etc...

The pattern continues with her acting like 'just friends' is fine and being 'good' for a couple of weeks then she pulls something crazy like this. It's over and over and over.

I feel like I should express my concern for my 'safety', reputation and otherwise. I wish he could find it easier to cut her off more. I don't want this to be an ultimatum. I don't want to force him to choose, while I KNOW he will choose me over anything with her I don't like the idea of being the person to force that.

Anyone have a similar issue? Or advice?
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  #2  
Old 02-27-2014, 04:45 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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You already know what to do. I think you're just looking for a little encouragement, which is a good thing to ask for. Tell Paul to let go of her. That will bring up issues. On the surface those issues will look like they are between Paul and this other girl. Those issues are actually between you and Paul, disquised as issues between Paul and this other girl.

Those issues will come up one way or another. Its best to tell Paul to let go of her, see what issues "come up" from that, and resolve them (between you and Paul). Once they are resolved, he will not be drawn to another girl like her.
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  #3  
Old 02-27-2014, 04:52 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
I feel like I should express my concern for my 'safety', reputation and otherwise.
You could express it then.

Quote:
I wish he could find it easier to cut her off more. I don't want this to be an ultimatum. I don't want to force him to choose, while I KNOW he will choose me over anything with her I don't like the idea of being the person to force that.
Expressing your position and concerns clearly and accurately is not "forcing" him to do anything. Asking for new behaviors (ex: please stop telling me about her) or asking for information (ex: do you have any plans to dial it down with her?) is not forcing anything either. You are asking.

He's a grown man who can make his own decisions. If you do ask him to consider breaking up with her -- he is free to say "Ok, I considered and I will do" or "Nope. I considered and I will not do" as his answer. Then you make your next choice after that.

Be honest and tell him whatever it is you want to tell him.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-27-2014 at 05:06 AM.
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  #4  
Old 03-03-2014, 01:01 AM
Spiritowl Spiritowl is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Galagirl, thank you. You really helped me see the ball placed in my court!

I went through the 'please don't tell me about her' before and it worked for quite a while. Then she started acting 'better' and he began spending more time talking to her and this caused an issue with that agreement because he couldn't just lie to me and say he was talking to someone else... That's why it all came up again and the the cell phone issue.

However he chose yesterday to tell her about he and I. He felt it would seal the deal and show if she was truly ready to commit to being just friends. Her response was to say she could not be his friend any longer. I do not know if she will stick to that but it says a lot about her intentions which I feel as another woman I was more intuitive towards.

That is how things stand today. She is by her choice backing as far away as possible. I imagine they will have some communication since she is friends with much of his family. But other than that I am hoping she will choose to work on her own marriage etc... (Which she lies about so everyone will think her husband is terrible) *sigh*

I put both bits of advice to use, thank you! On the road to better days I hope!
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