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  #11  
Old 02-26-2014, 06:22 PM
plainsnymph plainsnymph is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
GENERALLY
Normally I think a lot of people around here are too casual with telling people to end their relationships, but in your case, there doesn't seem to be much good going on at all.

You disrespect and endanger him. He treats you like crap and emotionally abuses you. Trust me, if anyone gets hanging on to a bad relationship, it's me. But you need to cut ties with your partner and get yourself centered.
I think its hard to describe so much in a short post. We do have a lot going for us, I was just mainly listing the background issues. I love and adore him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
You've said that you don't see your partner that much, so why not start dating around yourself? One of the reasons why some people are poly is so that they never feel dependent on the love of one particular person. You'd think that over time, trust and respect would grow, but it hasn't seemed to with the main relationship you described. So do what's right for yourself and find someone who loves you more.
The reason I thought poly might work for us is I am interested in trying dating around to take the pressure off of one partner to meet all of my needs. Its not that he does not want to, he just cannot currently. I have seen a few people casually. I do think our trust and respect has grown. Its just a bumpy road right now trying on something new to both of us.
emotional guilt trip, just simply something like, "You know when you say [insert comment], that hurts my feelings, right?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
BEING COMFORTABLE WITH POLYAMORY
Now, to the question you asked about...becoming comfortable with polyamory. For me, the easiest way to deal with it was to think of it simply as being back in college and dating multiple people at once. It can be rougher when you're already in a committed relationship and you open it up. It can feel like you're not enough for this person who said so many sexy/romantic things to you. Remember, it's not about YOU not being enough. It's about your partner wanting variety of experience and being able to love more than one person at a time.
I think me and him are looking for different things from it. I am looking for more of an emotional connections with others with some physical affection. Sex could possibly be involved later on down the road but because of past sexual trauma I tend to be overtly careful with myself letting others in at that level.
Sidebar: I think thats why it was exciting to me to allow someone in so quickly. And yes the guy was pushy and a bit disrespectful of my boundaries but for whatever reason I see it as a positive experience.
And he had never thought of poly and I think is looking more for extra sexual encounters because he has often been in controlling, un sex positive relationships and is excited about tickling his fancy and being allowed and supported by his gf to try out other things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
My question to you is...how much is it detracting from your relationship? If you're not getting what you need from the relationship, voice your concerns, but also push out of your comfort zone and give him the time he needs. Only you can know if you feel neglected. And he can either decide to spend more time with you or not. If he doesn't then it's your turn to decide if he's worth sticking around for.
Besides the emotions mainly based on fear that this will change for the worse, or make the other go away, or not love us as much, or be more into a new person ect that are swirling around in both of our heads like emotional weather we are not so in control of, so far it has helped. He has become much more communicative. I think he also understands more of my emotional states where I am not rational and just reacting on emotion and fear. So he is more able to be emotionally supportive by seeing that I am not trying to be unreasonable but am driven by emotions and those emotions need addressing and I need help wading through them . I feel more cared about because he is able to support the feelings I am having where as before I was frustrated that he could not see the emotions .
I am able to not feel so unfufilled by lack of time getting to spend with him because I know I have the option if I want it to fill it with emotional connection to others.
He slept with someone and I actually was able to handle it. I asked a lot of questions about how he felt now that it had happened and we are on the same page. Both of us enjoyed the sexual experience with another and for neither of us it took away any sexual want for the other. Both of us did not feel bad about ourselves or guilty for the sexual experience but nervous and anxious about how the other would feel. Once he was in my shoes and had slept with someone else he understood a whole lot more and apologized for putting me so on the spot and acting like I had cheated.
I think it has brought us closer and both of us feel more trusted and trusting.

There are still issues that I know I struggle with. I tend to ask too many questions because I like to immerse myself in it to see how I feel. Sink or swim I guess. Sometimes I hear things I dont like . But in hearing those things I dont like it allows me to ask myself what exactly makes me feel uncomfortable. That discomfort is a good conversation point between us and allows dialogue that brings me back to feeling ok with this all.

And no he does not think I am unattractive or say anything in that regard. He has never told me oh Lyndy is so tiny . It was a self esteem battle I was having with myself. And I actually think him sleeping with her helped. Go figure.

And I guess she is too skinny for him and it was a bit of a turn off and painful with her bones at points. He told me it was satisfying because of the novelty and the feeling of tabo ness, never being able to sleep with someone else while in a committed relationship, but that it could not even touch our sex.
We had amazing , crazy lustful neither of us could walk sex last night where I felt nothing but sexy and loved and satisfied. We both spent a lot of time being affectionate toward one another.

I think overall we are moving forward and more positive and balanced. We are both learning about our own bullshit and how to knock it off to be a better version of ourselves. He is learning how to be emotional and be emotionally supportive and I am learning patience and to weather my own emotions better without raining them down on others.
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  #12  
Old 02-27-2014, 03:51 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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I'm glad things are getting better for y'all.

I can sympathize with asking a lot of questions about your partner's encounters as a way of getting a handle on the situation. Of course you can ask too many questions and get annoying and invasive if you're not careful. I'm pretty good at making those questions sound like comradery and casual conversation.

I hope things keep getting better for you both.
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Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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  #13  
Old 03-01-2014, 09:24 PM
plainsnymph plainsnymph is offline
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Things are getting better. I would have never in my younger years thought I would be in an open relationship ever. I also would have never considered that I would be ok with any partner of mine sleeping with someone else. Its very interested how we evolve and grow as individuals.

I do struggle with what I called irrational unfounded fears though. Like I worry that because we are open now he will be sexually or romantically interested in every female he meets. Or that once he has free time he is immedialty going to start spending it seeking out new partners and not spending it with me. Or that that girl Lyndy he slept with had a long standing crush on him and it will get intense again and cause issues between us. These are all unfounded and irrational, except maybe the last one.

I trust him and talk to him about my concerns and generally the conversations help tons and remind me how important we are to each other and that he has no intention of doing anything that would be scandalous. I think I am just dealing with that whole you can't flip a switch and instantly be 100% ok with some you care about possibly caring about others and be ok with sharing them sexually.

How have others helped themselves through this transition? I dont want him to feel like my only pillar of support and crumble under my needs for validation.
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