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Old 02-28-2014, 05:15 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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Is it possible that she's just not interested in sex with women? Sex, love, and intimacy are not always hand-in-hand. It's possible for people to be "bi-amorous" if you will, i.e. able to fall in romantic love with both genders, but not "bisexual," i.e. turned on and interested in sex with both genders.

That also doesn't mean she's "afraid" of lesbian sex. That comes across as judgemental, to me at least.

Auto and I have a non-sexual relationship. We both prefer intimate, romantic, non-sexual relationships with women. We kiss and cuddle, we love each other romantically, but neither of us has a high sex drive to begin with and we're content with our relationship the way it is. I'm gray-asexual anyway, so even with Gralson my sex life is intermittent. I just form different kinds of connections with people.

Gralson and I waited a few months before having sex, specifically because we wanted to build a strong emotional foundation without it being clouded by lust. There have been points in our relationship where I felt pressure from society to have sex more often because we were "doing it wrong" but then I woke up and realized that's bullshit, that whatever works for us is perfectly fine and doesn't mean our relationship is in trouble.

That being said, your question makes it clear that this doesn't work for you. Sometimes it just takes a shift in your expectations, like when I realized that "having sex every week even though I don't really care one way or another" was an unreasonable expectation for our relationship. When I changed my expectation, that conflict dissolved overnight. But if you're a very sexual person and having regular sex is a need you have within relationships, then it's important to get to the bottom of it.

You could ask: "What would a solid foundation look like to you? What can I do to help build that foundation?"

You can also set your own boundaries. It's perfectly acceptable to say something like "I need sex in my relationships. I can only go so long before I begin to feel like my own needs are not going to be met. If we can't build this strong foundation within (x) weeks/months, I don't see us having a lasting relationship." Sometimes people need a little bit of impetus to get out of a rut. Just be careful not to turn that into pressuring her to do something she isn't ready for. It's more like, expressing your own limitations.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 02-28-2014 at 05:28 AM.
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