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  #41  
Old 02-24-2014, 04:36 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
What is your wife's typical day like? Who does she banter and vent to about day to day struggles? When and in what manner does she socialize, unwind, just in general get away from the house and kids? How many kids are we talking about here?
That is part of the problem. She doesn't have many girlfriends and doesn't really go out of her way to make great friends. She has gone out with girlfriends before but is so shy about it. She isn't the type of person to go out of her way to make a new friendship. And she occasionally talks to her old friends from before we moved but they are staunch Christians who think I'm the antichrist because I have changed my beliefs some. Probably her best friend she has told her I was really screwed up in the head and thinks I'm a sicko for even suggesting that I would prefer an open relationship. So I honestly think they only fuel her anger toward me and distrust.
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  #42  
Old 02-24-2014, 05:56 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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At this time...
  • Are you wanting her to understand emerging poly you while maintaining a monogamous marriage?
  • Are you wanting an open relationship with her and want to change the marriage shape with her?
  • Are you wanting an open relationship NOT with her, and want to end the marriage with her?
  • Something else?

I just wanted to check in where you are at this point in time because I get lost. There's so many other layers there with healing from cheating affairs in the past, meeting the needs of a special needs child, and then the wife who is isolated/not meeting her own social wellness needs.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-24-2014 at 06:00 PM.
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  #43  
Old 02-24-2014, 07:22 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
At this time...
  • Are you wanting her to understand emerging poly you while maintaining a monogamous marriage?
  • Are you wanting an open relationship with her and want to change the marriage shape with her?
  • Are you wanting an open relationship NOT with her, and want to end the marriage with her?
  • Something else?

I just wanted to check in where you are at this point in time because I get lost. There's so many other layers there with healing from cheating affairs in the past, meeting the needs of a special needs child, and then the wife who is isolated/not meeting her own social wellness needs.

Galagirl
More than anything I want us both to be able to be happy. I think I could live with monogamy even though it isn't what I want as long as there was trust and happiness again. I want her to understand that I'm different and that doesn't make me a bad person or mean that I don't love her. In my mind I'm Poly, into BDSM, and even have some bisexual tendencies. But she sees all of those things as sinful so how can we have open discussions about them? I've told her two out if three of those things and neither went well. If I told her the third then I know our relationship would be over.

I guess I just struggle with these vanilla relationships that just seem so surface level to me where everybody pretends they never have feelings for another human being. They pretend they don't ever look at another person lustfully. That type of relationship just seems so surface level to me.

And yes, we have a lot if cards stacked against us right now.

Last edited by seakinganswers; 02-24-2014 at 07:25 PM.
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  #44  
Old 02-24-2014, 07:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Let me try phrasing it this way... If you put all those in order of preference over time or in buckets, what order/buckets would they be in? Because you cannot have all these at the same time right now. Here's my guess... correct what I guess wrong.

DEALBREAKERS (without these, I can't be in healthy relationship here)
  • I want my wife to understand poly me.
  • I want my wife to stop doing (list behaviors).
  • I want my wife to start trusting me by (list behaviors).

(in this order, or some other order?)

WILLING TO BENDS
  • If she can trust me, then I am willing to try keep my monogamous marriage even though I don't want monogamous marriage for myself.

UNFILED / COULD LIVE WITHOUT?
  • I want to be in an open relationship with my wife.
  • I want to be in an open relationship even without my wife.
  • I want (something else?)

It's hard to suggest things if I don't know your desired outcome at this time. Or which ones are dealbreakers/hard limits for you, and which are soft limits or "could live withouts" for you.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-24-2014 at 08:38 PM.
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  #45  
Old 02-24-2014, 09:57 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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DEALBREAKERS (without these, I can't be in healthy relationship here)
  • I want my wife to understand poly and other sexual preferences and desires in me without judgement.
  • I want my wife to stop doing nagging me and being so negative all the time
  • I want my wife to start trusting me by (This one is hard for me because I feel like either you trust someone or you don't and no matter how you try to change your actions, it will show one way or the other) the lack of trust goes back much further than the cheating and is about more than sex. I feel like she holds me to ridiculous standards in life and then doesn't trust me to meet those standards.

(in this order, or some other order?)

WILLING TO BENDS
  • If she can trust me, then I am willing to try keep my monogamous marriage even though I don't want monogamous marriage for myself.

UNFILED / COULD LIVE WITHOUT?
  • I want to be in an open relationship with my wife. This would be best case scenario for me.
  • I want to be able to be open and honest with our sexual preferences, likes and dislikes. In a perfect world we would occasionally even read erotic literature together or watch porn together or at least share an account so we can openly discus the things we liked or didn't like and what sort of limits we might have or things we can try. I think her insecurities combined with her religious limitations will make this impossible though. She once told me she sometimes gets depressed after sex, and she VERY rarely thinks about what I might enjoy or what she wants to do for me. I feel like I do everything in the bedroom to drive her completely crazy and then she spreads her legs and lets me put it in her. lol
    That's just not enough for me and I think a lot if it has to do with insecurities making her very selfish in the bedroom.
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  #46  
Old 02-25-2014, 03:34 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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To be honest, it sounds like your relationship is a very broken one. I feel for you, I really do -- especially because I have been recovering for the last nearly four years from the break-up of my own marriage -- but if I were you, I'd start to consider getting a divorce.

Unless she is willing to open her mind, look at her own faults, and get into therapy with you, I really don't see how any healing can take place.

If you divorce her, you can see your children more than every other week - many divorced people work it so they have their kids 3 or 4 days a week, every week, and alternate it that way. But you really are sad, and miserable, and suffering, and I truly doubt if your wife would actually try to give you any of the things you want. Of course, I am not saying not to try and make every effort to repair it, but you might want to start looking into what you would need to do (legally, financially, etc.) to sever the marriage. There may be some low-cost options in your state.
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  #47  
Old 02-25-2014, 07:11 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
To be honest, it sounds like your relationship is a very broken one. I feel for you, I really do -- especially because I have been recovering for the last nearly four years from the break-up of my own marriage -- but if I were you, I'd start to consider getting a divorce.

Unless she is willing to open her mind, look at her own faults, and get into therapy with you, I really don't see how any healing can take place.

If you divorce her, you can see your children more than every other week - many divorced people work it so they have their kids 3 or 4 days a week, every week, and alternate it that way. But you really are sad, and miserable, and suffering, and I truly doubt if your wife would actually try to give you any of the things you want. Of course, I am not saying not to try and make every effort to repair it, but you might want to start looking into what you would need to do (legally, financially, etc.) to sever the marriage. There may be some low-cost options in your state.
That option is on the table. And the fact that it is only makes her trust issues and insecurities even stronger.
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  #48  
Old 02-27-2014, 05:19 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I understand that she doesn't have a lot of friends, it does sound like she feels trapped and overwhelmed and is not getting her emotional fuel tank filled up enough to be able to withstand... well, anything really.

What if you offered to watch the kids once or twice a week while she goes out for some kind of social activity. It sounds like she's very religious, she could join some kind of Bible group or something. As crazy as those Christian fanatics seem to scientific ol' me, they do seem pretty good at making friends with each other. She would find other parents there and lots of support for dealing with the special needs child. Playgroups are another place to meet friends. SAHMs love getting together with other SAHMs and talking shop, while keeping the kids preoccupied by playing with new friends.

Meanwhile, I agree that you have the right to establish some privacy. Your phone is your business. I can understand her need to rebuild trust, but that also requires a certain amount of understanding and support for "what she finds" when you're being honest and innocent. Big deal if someone from work XOXO's you. If she wants honesty, she has to receive it with grace. If she wants secrecy, then she can keep up the attacks.
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  #49  
Old 02-27-2014, 02:00 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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I have zero advice, but a friend of mine is now going through a divorce with a woman who would not allow him to communicate openly and honestly about their issues, much like your wife - although their issues were different than yours. She would say things like, "when you bring this up it hurts me, why do you want to hurt me?" And he would explain that it was not his intent to hurt her, but they had issues that were hurting their marriage that needed to be resolved so they didn't end up divorcing. Her response to such was, "Don't threaten me."

In the end, she wanted to sweep their problems under the rug and pretend they didn't exist (things like her irrational temper that had him walking on eggshells - she couldn't see why her anger up issues were a problem). He couldn't continue to live that way, so after two years of trying to engage her, and two marriage counselors, he left. She never understood why. And instead of taking responsibility for her behavior, decided that he had left her for another woman - me. Funny thing is, it's been a year, and although he and I are the best of friends as we were before, we rarely see one another. (Even if we wanted to be more, he is not able to handle it yet, still healing from the break-up). Yet she clings to her hypothesis.

I share this with you because, I am not sure your wife understands the concept of incompatibility, and will probably insert some similar scenario into the mix if you do divorce.
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