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Old 02-24-2014, 04:38 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 303

Very well balanced, Schrodingers.

I'm wondering how the wife is going to get over the compunction at all. "Needing time" is pretty amorphous. Yes, time heals most wounds, but aren't there concrete steps like discussions or counseling that would actively move her acceptance forward?

On one hand, putting off sex for a few months seems innocuous when balanced against the health of a long-standing marriage. On the other hand, that seems very, VERY monogamous to impose. Why is it valid for the husband to shelve his love for someone at all, as long as he's been open and honest about things?

Hell, there are some on here that would say it's none of the wife's business if they've agreed to be poly.

It's not hard to imagine having an amazing romantic getaway with someone and have it be agonizing to force yourself to stop right at the most inopportune time. Sure, we're all rational adults. We stop ourselves from our carnal desires every day. But what is going to mystically happen to make the wife "ok" with things?

I can see both sides of this issue.
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
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Old 02-24-2014, 05:40 PM
TrixieMixie TrixieMixie is offline
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Chicago
Posts: 9

Originally Posted by Sandy2u View Post
So far our triad has worked amazingly well. I have never felt happier or safer in my life. There had been very little jealousy and lots of compersion, we are all happy. My female partner started off with several boundaries for her husband and I, and quickly dropped all but one. He and I are not allowed to have actual intercourse. She has said from the beginning that this will change eventually, she just isn't there yet. He and I are having our first romantic weekend away next week, and I worry that we might go there. I don't want to break her trust, and I don't want to deny what I feel for him. So clearly we need to renegotiate this boundary. Well not renegotiate it- drop it all together.

I don't even know how to broach the conversation. Do we all have it together, do they have it, do her and I have it?? This is hard because they have only ever had intercourse with each other. This seems unfathomable to me, but it was a big thing to them. I feel like I am in high school again and am doing the technical virgin thing. We do absolutely everything else, our beds and sleeping situation are all very fluid and we function wonderfully except for this. Maybe I should just let it be for awhile longer. It's only been a couple of months.
At first she made him wear condoms because she didn't want us pregnant and for some reason they never get each other pregnant. That was a couple years ago and now since my GF has become more confident with herself, she has let him not use a condom (which is awesome) and all three of us are prepared to have a baby if that happens. Such a good relationship we all have I am so glad I am not just with a man.
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Old 02-24-2014, 05:43 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,332

So we talked, and it went fairly well. She understands how I feel, even my concerns about feeling second best when that is not the relationship we signed up for. She gets how inherently unfair it is and feels a lot of guilt about it. That said, she isn't ready and I don't want to push her so I set a date to revisit it in a few months.
Where is hinge's voice in this? What IS the open model relationship you all signed up to practice? Are all the players on the same page with that? Understand the "how we agree to be together in this relationship?" Or are those agreements still in development? Sounds like the boundaries around sex share are. Maybe some of these helps articulate those activities/boundaries:


That's good that you all want to work it out and set terms you all can live with in the meanwhile. Hopefully hinge's voice is in accord.

Hopefully when the check in date rolls around, all of you can move it along further.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-24-2014 at 05:46 PM.
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Old 02-24-2014, 07:21 PM
Sandy2u Sandy2u is offline
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 8

And it's gone. This led to a huge crisis of faith for her, wondering if this is what she even wanted at all or if she was only doing it to make us happy. After soul searching and meeting with our fantastic counselor she decided that it is and she can let go of that. Her fears weren't actually related to sex at all, sex being such a huge thing for her was just symbolic of the bigger fears. So once she worked through them the rest fell into place quickly.
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Old 02-24-2014, 08:55 PM
Sandy2u Sandy2u is offline
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 8

Galagirl- thank you so much for those links. I wish we'd had them when we started this but they will still be a good way to open dialogue.
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Old 02-26-2014, 04:26 AM
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MsChristy MsChristy is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90

Just wanted to say I was in the exact same situation when myself and my partner became involved, and his long term gf did not want us having intercourse. It was hard, and I resented her at first. However, I found that once I stopped seeing her as a threat and someone to be angry at, but instead started talked to her and trying to understand her side of things that everything started running smoother. Once we started talking about how the relationship effects both of us she stopped feeling so threatened and started to be able to trust me. Things are much better now, and there are no rules on his and my relationship, but I also make sure if anything new were to happen that she knows about it so she isn't shocked if it does come up later.
MsChristy- married female
C-my husband
H-my partner
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Old 02-27-2014, 05:21 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,448

Good point. Empathy always goes a lot further than competition.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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