Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 02-24-2014, 09:21 PM
plainsnymph plainsnymph is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 8
Unhappy Very new to all of this and struggling

I don't even know where to start. I am older than my partner and on certain levels our relationship has not been functioning correctly for a while. Over the course of several long and honest conversations I thought polyamory may be a solution and something we should try. The main issues between us are that I am a person that needs and craves large amounts of attention and affection and adventure. And he is in the process of building his adult life and does not have a lot of free time to see me. We are talking I see him 1-2 times a week. I need more interaction . Also he is several years younger than me and has not sorted out his emotional states. He often does not know how he feels or why and sometimes can be very supportive emotionally because he just does not know how or when its needed. He thinks my needs are valid and that right now he just cannot meet the time and attention needs and I believe he just needs to age a bit to be able to grasp the abstract emotional issues a bit better.

Anyway we decided to try out a poly relationship. We laid some ground rules which were basically communication is key, honesty important and needed, new partners needed to not subtract from our limited time with each other and safe sex practices. In a lot of ways its has really helped us be more communicative, more open and honest about how we feel and has helped bring some of our weaker points to the table to be addressed.

But there are also issues. I am someone that has never allowed any kind of one night stand. I seriously until recently had not even made out with a stranger. One night right after we made it open, I was out with a group of alumni friends and drinking and decided I wanted to cross the boundary I had self enforced and kiss a stranger. I was not able to but was directed by a close friend to make friends with one of his close friends. I spent the night with T and he took me home because I was in no shape to get home. Nothing happened that night but the following morning we had a long conversation about what was happening with my partner and why I was looking to try out something with someone else. ( To see if I could and how it made me feel) He was direct and horny and while incredibly respectful was also a bit pushy. We kissed. He stuck his member in my mouth and while avoidant at first I love sucking cock so much I partook. This made me incredibly horny and i said damn I wish I had a dick inside me. Immediately it happened. Sex lasted about 2-5 min until I decided I was over it. He respected that and asked if he could cum and I said yes and he did in my mouth and on my face. It was a positive experience because it was short and I did not think about it much. It felt freeing to experiment a bit and know at home I have someone that loves and cares for me. I did not have to wonder if T cared/liked me/ this would lead to something. I had only planned on kissing a stranger and not the extent of our 10 min sexual encounter.We did not use a condom for the 2 min of penetration. I was also still intoxicated which I am sure effected my choices. But I am an adult and they were all my choices.
I told my partner. He felt hurt that I had done anything so close to opening our relationship and betrayed I did not use a condom. I agreed it was poor planning and abad choice on my part. But reassured him of his importance, specialness and my commitment to our relationship.
This was a few weeks ago. Since then my partner has been trying to find a sex partner and has been trying every online avenue possible for a hook up. It concerns me how very much he is trying. He daily talks to a plethora of girls and responds to a plethora of adds and has several up himself. I feel like its not that I am concerned about him having sex but the effort he is putting into it. And that the effort comes out of his effort into our relationship. Friends have told me guys just need to invest more effort into getting laid then girls tend to. I have come to some peace about that but last night I fell apart.
He told me he has been talking to an old freind he hooked up with a few times before me. She wants him to sleep with her. I feel threatened and scared but know those feelings are normal and I need to wade through them. I am just having difficulty. In a attempt to reassure myself I went through with him about the plan and our rules. I feel weird thinking about her in his bed and then sleeping in it afterwards . And we taked about whether or not he would use condoms and for what activities. He told me he would use condoms because he "had to" but that I had not cared to. He has rubbed my nose in my mistake every opportunity he has had. And it started stress between us because I basically felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into not using condoms with her. I felt manipulated into and like he was trying to make me feel terrible and allow him to not use them because he did not want to . He feels like I was naive for believing T when afterwards we had a conversation about his sexual history and recent testing and whether or not I needed to get tested. I believed T in that he had had no partners for over a year and had been tested recently. My partner tells me that he was not trying to guilt trip me and that he reacted because he still feels bad and weird about it. I just feel like an emotional mess. I feel worried about said new girl because shes tiny and I have gained weight and I feel weird thinking about my bf engaging in long planned out sexual acts with her that i know once they start will happened repetitively. I am worried he will invest more time with her or will be more interested in her because its new. I am literally driving myself crazy. Any advice would be loved and I understand I have made mistakes and most of this is coming from my own insecurities within myself. I just dont know how to deal with these feelings. I dont know how to help him feel better. Please try to be kind this is all incredibly new for me
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 02-25-2014, 08:24 PM
plainsnymph plainsnymph is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 8
Default

I guess no one has any support or stories about how they adjusted from mono to poly.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-25-2014, 09:14 PM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 68
Default

I'll reply even though I have no experience in these matters. It doesn't sound anything like poly to me which is why you probably aren't getting any responses. Not that it has to be poly or even defined at all as long as it strengthens your relationship and increases your happiness.

Your husbands experience trying to get laid is not out of the ordinary because in truth it's a whole lot easier to find a man looking for no strings attached sex than it is to find a woman interested in that. In particular on some Internet ad. He may have better luck doing it the old fashioned way and going out to a bar meeting women in real life. Or you may want to get involved in a local swingers group. I've met couples who have much better luck that way. Plus then you will be around more open minded people that could possibly help you maneuver around some of the early relationship struggles.

Also, my wife has gained a lot of weight since we got married. Sexiness us a state of mind. Sure he like every man will be initially more attracted to a fitter woman, probably a younger one too. But that doesn't mean in the long run he will find her sexier and even if he does, that sex won't have the intimacy that the two of you have. Sex without intimacy is only fun occasionally. At the end of the day the intimacy you share with him should always have him desiring you. If it doesn't then your relationship probably isn't worth it anyways.

Not much other advice I can offer really. I only wish I was more experienced.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-25-2014, 10:29 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 518
Default

Pretty much what seakinganwers said; it's not particularly poly.

1) Poly is not about adding new partners to "fix" a relationship. In fact, that is highly discouraged.

2) You cheated on him. Again, disrespectful and not poly.

3) You said he's looking for sex partners. That's called swinging/open lifestyle.

The one thing you did touch on was he wanted to be with an old friend; versus a new hookup. That DOES sound like he wants poly; but you are struggling with that. If he's really poly, he will want to be with both of you. Does that mean he'll be able to balance both of your needs? Typically, people new to poly do pretty poorly at that. But we can help give you advice on that, if that might help you.

First things first, though. Apologize, see if he can get over it (poly mindset is you either dump the person or forgive. Not allowed to continually punish). And you both stop playing stupid games with each other and treat new partners as human beings.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-26-2014, 02:14 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,761
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post

Your husbands experience trying to get laid is not out of the ordinary ...
They aren't married! They don't even live together, they only date once or twice a week.

Quote:
Also, my wife has gained a lot of weight since we got married. Sexiness us a state of mind. Sure he like every man will be initially more attracted to a fitter woman, probably a younger one too.
Excuse me??? Lots of men adore women with curves much more than skinny minnies or athletic hard bodies. And there are plenty of men that don't care about a few years age difference, or even a decade or two. Older women can be far sexier and far more self confident ,than green twenty-somethings. Age can confer a delicious confidence and sensuality.

Quote:
But that doesn't mean in the long run he will find her sexier and even if he does, that sex won't have the intimacy that the two of you have. Sex without intimacy is only fun occasionally. At the end of the day the intimacy you share with him should always have him desiring you. If it doesn't then your relationship probably isn't worth it anyways.

Not much other advice I can offer really. I only wish I was more experienced.
This I agree with.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-26-2014, 02:33 AM
seakinganswers seakinganswers is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 68
Default

I shouldn't have said "of course" as I agree everyone has different things they find attractive. There was a reason however I said "fit" instead of skinny. I also don't like the super skinny at first glance. Not to say I would dismiss any body type without getting to know someone. My personal initial attraction is to youth and either the super athletic type or a little curvy (Had a big crush on Xena the Warrior Princess). But whenever I start having a conversation with younger women I lose my attractedness rather quickly because immaturity is a big turn off for me.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 02-26-2014, 02:12 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,761
Default

Our OP, Plainsnymph, may very well be fit. She's just comparing herself to a tiny potential metamour. No reason to suggest she isn't gorgeous and sexy just the way she is.

I am more concerned with her fear of her bf's NRE and her own drunken unsafe sex encounter... Not a good way to start being "poly."

To Nymph: letting go and going for an open relationship can be hella scary, join the club. I hope your bf and you can navigate the waters of managing multiple relationships while still enjoying and respecting each other!

Communicate!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 02-26-2014, 04:14 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Montgomery, AL
Posts: 288
Default

GENERALLY
Normally I think a lot of people around here are too casual with telling people to end their relationships, but in your case, there doesn't seem to be much good going on at all.

You disrespect and endanger him. He treats you like crap and emotionally abuses you. Trust me, if anyone gets hanging on to a bad relationship, it's me. But you need to cut ties with your partner and get yourself centered.

You've said that you don't see your partner that much, so why not start dating around yourself? One of the reasons why some people are poly is so that they never feel dependent on the love of one particular person. You'd think that over time, trust and respect would grow, but it hasn't seemed to with the main relationship you described. So do what's right for yourself and find someone who loves you more.

If you want to keep him around because you simply can't let go yet, take some time to realize that you should only see that as a limited relationship until you both treat each other better. If it's just sex, see it as just sex.

WEIGHT ISSUE
If he really cares about you, he won't just toss you aside because you've gained weight recently. That being said, in the real world, people are attracted to certain things. Not all guys like stick skinny girls (me included. I like hips and round, soft parts as part of an overall fit, toned look), but some do. You can either decide you want to change for him - or because you want to do it for yourself...or you can love yourself the way you are and be with someone who does too. I'd at least let him know that the way he's speaking about her size hurts your feelings. It doesn't have to be an emotional guilt trip, just simply something like, "You know when you say [insert comment], that hurts my feelings, right?"

Since the relationship sounds fairly casual, this is another flag pointing towards limiting your emotional investment until you both get on the same page...or finding someone new all together. Or dating someone else while you keep limited contact with the bf.


THIS NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED
Quote:
He stuck his member in my mouth and while avoidant at first I love sucking cock so much I partook.
Am I the only one that thinks this sounds like ABUSE? That's they way it sounds to me over the internet. Forcing your cock into someone's unwilling mouth (assuming it's not just part of rough or BDSM sex) is sexual assault. Respect yourself and realize that you deserve better than someone forcing themselves on you. (Unless you agree beforehand of course Forcing can be fun)

BEING COMFORTABLE WITH POLYAMORY
Now, to the question you asked about...becoming comfortable with polyamory. For me, the easiest way to deal with it was to think of it simply as being back in college and dating multiple people at once. It can be rougher when you're already in a committed relationship and you open it up. It can feel like you're not enough for this person who said so many sexy/romantic things to you. Remember, it's not about YOU not being enough. It's about your partner wanting variety of experience and being able to love more than one person at a time.

There are lots of links around here for external webpages that have amazing insight as to how to be a new poly person. But your issue isn't being poly.

EFFORT
I can agree with your bf that it does take much more extra work for a man to find a new partner than a woman. My gf keeps accounts on Tinder, OkC, Plenty of Fish, and Skout and every one of her mailboxes is filled to the brim. It's just easier because men are more actively looking...and most only want sex so their standards are much lower than women's are. (You can call this a stereotype, but I'm speaking from experience)

My question to you is...how much is it detracting from your relationship? If you're not getting what you need from the relationship, voice your concerns, but also push out of your comfort zone and give him the time he needs. Only you can know if you feel neglected. And he can either decide to spend more time with you or not. If he doesn't then it's your turn to decide if he's worth sticking around for.

CONCLUSION[LIST=1]If I were you, I'd start dating someone else...or several someone elses. [LIST=2]If someone doesn't like you for your appearance, either decide you deserve better or use it as a catalyst for change, but don't feel badly about yourself by any means.[LIST=3] Don't let yourself be abused.[LIST=4] A partner wanting to be poly doesn't mean you aren't enough or you're inferior.[LIST=5]Yes, it takes more effort for guys to find someone new, but decide if you're being neglected and make decisions accordingly.
  1. Remember you've got friends here and are deserving of respect.
__________________
Me - male, 42, poly, straight, in a serious relationship with Audrey, also casually dating.

Audrey - female, 20, poly, pansexual, also casually dating.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 02-26-2014, 05:43 PM
plainsnymph plainsnymph is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 8
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by seakinganswers View Post

Also, my wife has gained a lot of weight since we got married. Sexiness us a state of mind. Sure he like every man will be initially more attracted to a fitter woman, probably a younger one too. But that doesn't mean in the long run he will find her sexier and even if he does, that sex won't have the intimacy that the two of you have. Sex without intimacy is only fun occasionally. At the end of the day the intimacy you share with him should always have him desiring you. If it doesn't then your relationship probably isn't worth it anyways.

Not much other advice I can offer really. I only wish I was more experienced.
Thanks you for that. It was a really nice thing to read. I need to remind myself of that when I am feeling down.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 02-26-2014, 05:48 PM
plainsnymph plainsnymph is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 8
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Pretty much what seakinganwers said; it's not particularly poly.

1) Poly is not about adding new partners to "fix" a relationship. In fact, that is highly discouraged.

2) You cheated on him. Again, disrespectful and not poly.

3) You said he's looking for sex partners. That's called swinging/open lifestyle.

The one thing you did touch on was he wanted to be with an old friend; versus a new hookup. That DOES sound like he wants poly; but you are struggling with that. If he's really poly, he will want to be with both of you. Does that mean he'll be able to balance both of your needs? Typically, people new to poly do pretty poorly at that. But we can help give you advice on that, if that might help you.

First things first, though. Apologize, see if he can get over it (poly mindset is you either dump the person or forgive. Not allowed to continually punish). And you both stop playing stupid games with each other and treat new partners as human beings.
I am the one that wanted to be poly. It in some ways was to fix an un-fixable problem. The problem of current lack of time. I did not cheat on him. We had at that point already pre agreed it was ok for either of us to sleep with other people. His feelings of betrayal came from feeling jealous and insecure that the sex I had was a deep emotional bond and something that took something of what I care for him away. He 2 days ago did sleep with that girl Lyndy and now feels completley fine about what I did. He understands now that he was just in a storm of emotions pertaining to being scared about loosing what we have between us. Now that he has had an encounter with a woman he sees that it did not take away from any thing that we have.

And of course I apologized!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:03 AM.