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  #11  
Old 02-25-2014, 08:03 PM
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RedPanda RedPanda is offline
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Originally Posted by Poly85 View Post
I am new with poly and in my first relationship since my husband and I decided to try it out. Every thing has been going great with the new guy for the last 3mos till now. I have been feeling like he has been hiding things from me. Our only rule is to be honest and open. He is free to date others, but I want to know about it. I have asked on a few occasions if there is anyone at all that he is slightly interested in or even kissed. I know how bad this is going to sound and how I should respect his privacy, but I snooped in his phone. I found out that he has indeed been lying. He has gone on a couple of recent dates. He has made out with someone and told them that he wants to have sex with them. He tells me I am the only one he wants and that there is no one else. So after that I asked yet again and same answers. And he has plans to meet up with some girl he met online.
Should I give him some time to see if he comes clean on his own till I confront him? If he doesn't come clean it's over! I do NOT put up with lies!
I'm more interested in what's going on in his head.

If he says one thing and does the opposite, then he clearly doesn't know what he wants. Or maybe he does know what he wants but he's not willing to make the commitment or sacrifice.

It sounds like he wants to be monogamous but knows that he can't have that with you and so he's looking elsewhere.

Honestly, I would say let it go and move onto someone who wants the same things as you.
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  #12  
Old 02-26-2014, 12:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Poly85 View Post
I am new with poly and in my first relationship since my husband and I decided to try it out. Every thing has been going great with the new guy for the last 3mos till now. I have been feeling like he has been hiding things from me. Our only rule is to be honest and open. He is free to date others, but I want to know about it. I have asked on a few occasions if there is anyone at all that he is slightly interested in or even kissed. I know how bad this is going to sound and how I should respect his privacy, but I snooped in his phone. I found out that he has indeed been lying. He has gone on a couple of recent dates. He has made out with someone and told them that he wants to have sex with them. He tells me I am the only one he wants and that there is no one else. So after that I asked yet again and same answers. And he has plans to meet up with some girl he met online.
Should I give him some time to see if he comes clean on his own till I confront him? If he doesn't come clean it's over! I do NOT put up with lies!
Okay, so no one is in the right here. You definitely shouldn't have gone through his phone and he shouldn't be lying to you. You have no reason to trust him, and he has no reason to trust you.

Now that that's established, let me ask this. How long has HE been poly? Because it seems to me that while he might understand the concept behind be open and honest, he doesn't fully subscribe to it. Like he doesn't fully believe when you say that he can be honest with you. If the relationship is worth it to you, insist on talking. Be honest with him - that's the only way you can expect him to be honest with you.

You're new to poly and there's definitely a significant learning curve. Either way, there is something for you to learn about yourself in this situation. Do you want to be with someone who brings out this distrust in you? Do you want to be with someone who doesn't "do" poly the way you do? Do you want to be the person to teach someone else how to communicate? There are many questions to ask yourself here. Just be honest with yourself.
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  #13  
Old 02-26-2014, 02:14 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Is it a breech of trust if you tell someone you will snoop if you feel you're getting lied to and they go ahead and give you their password? This just doesn't make any sense.....I'm not sure of any reason for giving someone your password if not so they have access to your conversations and other online activity.
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  #14  
Old 02-26-2014, 02:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
Is it a breech of trust if you tell someone you will snoop if you feel you're getting lied to and they go ahead and give you their password? This just doesn't make any sense.....I'm not sure of any reason for giving someone your password if not so they have access to your conversations and other online activity.
I wouldn't presume to know what was in his head, but maybe he thought that giving her the password would eliminate or reduce some of the suspicion. Granted, when she told him a month earlier that she didn't trust him, he probably should have known that she might take measures to find out the truth.

It's very clear that there is poor communication here. No matter the reason, whether he feared losing her or he didn't know how to talk about the new relationship, or she wasn't very convincing when she encouraged him to be honest with her, it's something they both need to work on. But it's not necessarily something they can work on together. :-\
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  #15  
Old 02-26-2014, 03:18 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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He gave the OP his password, and she told him upfront that she a) distrusts him and b) would likely snoop. I am not seeing a breach of trust. It is not like she was standing over his shoulder or holding a compact and perfecting the angle to watch him enter it.

I will not pretend to understand why he gave her the password. Maybe he wanted to get "caught." OP, does he have a history of cheating in his past relationships? His behaviour does not correlate to what an open person might do. Very odd behaviour. What if he had slept with one or more of those women, omitted it/failed to mention it at all, had unprotected sex, and passed something on to you? That is where my mind takes it. Shit always starts with one little omission, and it can snowball with the quickness.

You have the proof, but what are you going to do with it? I am trying to figure out if this relationship is even worth having when he continues to lie to you and removes another level of your trust every time you ask a question.
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  #16  
Old 02-26-2014, 03:28 PM
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Sometimes people who consider themselves poly, have every freedom to date, do cheat, and lie about it to their poly partner(s). I am reminded of our longtime member here, BaggagePatrol, and her husband of 5 years, Elemental. He would often cheat and lie about it, even though they had an open relationship. Some people just seem to get off on the sneaking around. It adds spice for them. Sure, it's a leftover from so-called monogamous, but cheating days. Hard habit to break. BP chose to divorce her cheating husband and seems to have found some better partners, though she is still grieving the breach of trust. She has a blog here that goes over the situation exhaustively.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=21193
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  #17  
Old 02-26-2014, 05:48 PM
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Miss Manners, in a lovely cynical moment, once said this about a woman who read her husband's mail and found out he was having an affair:

"To be deceived is the human condition, to read another's mail is despicable."

That was meant as a laugh. To be lied to sucks, and he's not being honest. Maybe it's part of the learning curve, but with you giving him all these opportunities AND him not being honest, he's violated your trust. That sucks. I'm sorry.
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  #18  
Old 02-27-2014, 06:39 AM
Tiberius Tiberius is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Poly85 View Post
Yes, I will tell him how I found out about his lies. If he would have respected me enough to be honest with me I wouldn't have invaded his privacy. He knows I know his password and I have told him that I am the type to snoop if lied to. I gave plenty of warning about what lying will do. I have been completely honest with him and I expect the same in return.
But the thing is that you didn't know he was lying until after you snooped. What if he had been telling the truth when he said there wasn't anyone and you snooped anyway?
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  #19  
Old 02-27-2014, 04:04 PM
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This is the first poly relationship for both of us and it has been a learn as you go thing for both of us. I have talked to him and told him I invaded his privacy. He was not upset with me only with himself. After talking things over with him and my husband I will give him ONE more chance. I don't think he understood the openness and honesty this kind of relationship takes.

One issue we both have been dealing with is that we don't know how to treat our relationship, we don't know how it should work. We need to communicate more and figure it out. We have only been seeing each other once a week and that has bothered both of us. I'm married with one child and need to figure out how to balance everything. It's been difficult and my husband doesn't want our daughter involved, so my BF is not allowed to meet her, not even as a family friend.

I should mention that he's been divorced for 9mos. He's the one that wanted the divorce. His ex was controlling and some what emotionally abusive. He had to keep all his stuff inside he shared very little with her. She was also very closed minded. So he does have some issues with being honest and open.

Last edited by Poly85; 02-27-2014 at 07:48 PM. Reason: Added info
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  #20  
Old 02-27-2014, 04:37 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Balance is tricky. Add in a child and a spouse who does not want said child around partner(s) and you end up with interesting dynamics.

How often do you want to see him? How much is your spouse willing to work with you and him to make that happen? Are work schedules the issue? How old is your child? Do you or your husband have set time for yourselves? It takes work and scheduling. I despised living by a schedule, but is that something you and your partners would be willing to create?
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