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  #11  
Old 02-25-2014, 05:04 AM
asmile asmile is offline
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Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
You're not clingy, telling yourself that is self-defeating. At 21, you're not fully formed yet!...You have a whole lifetime ahead of you for seducing and being seduced.
I hope I am at least a little bit formed But that being said, I do understand that that I am young, and have a lot to learn. I have already learned so much about myself and have definitely grown significantly through this. Though I can't say I am not looking forward to more seducing all around. That sounds okay with me.

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Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
Not to be a creeper, but...
Of course you are a creeper. But that is okay

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Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
Watching her slowly mature from her clingy, lonely, insecure self has been rewarding for me. I just hope I am not being a bad person by not loving her "the way she is". Then again, poly is about loving someone's personal growth right?
I know we have talked about this together, but since we are now throwing this out to other people I figured I would comment here as well. As we talked about, I think that taking a bit of a break from the self-betterment train is a good step for a little while. I think there needs to be a balance of wanting to see improvement, while also simply appreciating the person for who they are or “the way she is”. Both are important, and one cannot over step the other. To much towards the “fixing” mindset can feel very draining and like I am not good enough, while I don’t want to just sit back and stop striving for personal growth. Got to find the balance

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Those expectations that are placed on us by the larger society in which we live, the smaller cultures we regularly interact within, our families, and so on, are extremely hard to shake… There are expectations about what a relationship should look like, expectations about the direction a relationship should take, expectations about what women should want in relationships, expectations about what men should want, expectations about sex, about what is healthy communication and what should be kept to oneself, expectations about the the proper "role" of a partner, expectations about one's age and experience, blablablabla... gag!
Preach it! This is a great way of putting it. Part of the reason I was initially open to the idea of poly was because of how much I believe this to be a huge problem in our society. I think the control these perceived expectations have over us is incredibly powerful, and often invisible. My rational side has been able to see and understand this, but overtime I have let that side of me slip some. I have let society’s expectations start to shape what I think that I want, when in reality, I believe I am happy with the way it is.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Expectations are the ultimate buzzkill, because they distort reality and take us out of the present. And, if you think about it, the present moment is actually all we ever have.
This is so true. We have to just appreciate what we have, and enjoy the present. You can’t change the past, nor should you live in the future. Just live in the present.
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  #12  
Old 02-25-2014, 02:04 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
Posted with miss asmile's permission:

I just hope I am not being a bad person by not loving her "the way she is".

I like not having to give up on a relationship just because it is not the greatest or because she is not "the one".

It gets a little overwhelming how she wants my romantic interest, or feels left out that I have romance with others but with her I feel emotionally not connected.
I suspect there will come a time, hopefully soon, when the OP will be ready to move her focus away from Hmmm and into something more mutual, with someone who considers her right for them just as she is.

Asmile, You're young, you're exploring and learning about yourself and that's great. It sounds like you grew a lot during this friendship, but perhaps it is no longer meeting your needs in its current incarnation. If you're happy doing a friends-with-benefits thing with Hmmm, that's great, but it's ok if you're just not that person. It took me many, many years to figure out that I just don't thrive in FWB relationships, and in my (vast) experience, they sure don't work when one person truly wants something more.

Personally, I get bored of FWB's quickly. I live for that emotional, romantic attachment, and when it doesn't materialize I prefer to turn my energies elsewhere. For others, FWB's work great for them. It's all ok. You will be ok if and when you let go of Hmmm whether you decide to stay FWB's or just platonic friends, or even if you decide you don't want to see him at all for a while because you need some time to get your head and heart in alignment. Do what you need to do to be comfortable in your own skin.
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  #13  
Old 02-25-2014, 02:28 PM
Hmm Hmm is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
\Look, the biggest challenge for the two of you -- and for all of us -- is to come to terms with expectations. Those expectations that are placed on us by the larger society in which we live, the smaller cultures we regularly interact within, our families, and so on, are extremely hard to shake. The ideas we form about how we can live up to those expectations become internal belief systems that limit us or deceive us into thinking we are unhappy, unsatisfied (or should feel unhappy and unsatisfied), simply because the expectations haven't been met. But most people rarely stop to question whether the expectations are realistic or even in tune with who we are as people.

[...]

Expectations are the ultimate buzzkill, because they distort reality and take us out of the present. And, if you think about it, the present moment is actually all we ever have.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Buddha
Desire is the root of evil, illusion is the root of evil.
Another reason I like poly is it encourages people to search for truth and wisdom, more often than not I agree with every point of your rant against shoulds...*shudders*

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny
I suspect there will come a time, hopefully soon, when the OP will be ready to move her focus away from Hmmm and into something more mutual, with someone who considers her right for them just as she is.
Who knows where it may go? I have been encouraging the possibility of her finding someone else to be more of a "primary" lover for her, but in the end, whatever floats her boat and makes her feel valued and important will make her feel valued, important, content...and floaty

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Originally Posted by LoveBunny
It's all ok. ... Do what you need to do to be comfortable in your own skin.
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  #14  
Old 02-26-2014, 02:06 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Hmm View Post
Another reason I like poly is it encourages people to search for truth and wisdom, more often than not
You don't need poly for that. Monogamists search for truth and wisdom, too. Polyamorous relationships are certainly not the only path to enlightenment. It isn't the relationship structure that encourages anything; it's the people.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #15  
Old 02-26-2014, 02:28 AM
Hmm Hmm is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You don't need poly for that. Monogamists search for truth and wisdom, too. Polyamorous relationships are certainly not the only path to enlightenment. It isn't the relationship structure that encourages anything; it's the people.
I suppose that is true. In my experience (perhaps this is a generational divide?), people who start a monogamous relationship with someone do it out of insecurity, feeling like they "need" someone, like they want a scripted role to fit into... It usually seems so fake and forced to me. It's not just that they chose monogamy, it's like they think it's the only thing there is, and they're terrified to consider otherwise. I guess to each their own path...

...I apologize for hijacking the thread >.>
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