Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 02-23-2014, 09:33 AM
ICanBeStunning's Avatar
ICanBeStunning ICanBeStunning is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: NYC
Posts: 24
Default

Could it be that you don't want M to date/end up with your friends because you don't like the way he's treating you? (Or dislike certain things that he does to you... case in point the OP.)

If so, why is it OK for you to accept this when you probably know you find his behavior unacceptable (for someone you care about)?
__________________
Bisexual woman in my 20s
Single and dating
Bear my on again bf of 3 years (6 year relationship)
SM his wife
I'm also dating Billy and have a play partner Prettyboy
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 02-23-2014, 03:09 PM
bookbug bookbug is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 687
Default

I am a little confused as to why it's okay for M to date people you don't know, but not your friends. While yes, there are a bajillion people in the world, we usually make friends by meeting other people's friends.

Secondly, this is poly. If H dates J, there is no reason M can't date her too. It's not like the two are mutually exclusive.

That said, if you are accurately presenting the way M justifies his behavior, it sounds like sex is a sport. Not judging, but I can't relate to it, and would not want to be involved due to the incompatibility. That said, you do love him, so you can try to change who he is, which will likely cause you both misery, or state your boundaries and adhere to them yourself. Do not be hurt and offended if he does not adhere to YOUR boundaries; just extricate yourself on the grounds that your priorities are not compatible.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 02-24-2014, 04:23 AM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 25
Default

I wouldn't say sex is a sport, exactly, but rather a part of friendship, to him. Basically, if you meet someone, get to know them a little, and find them interesting, then they automatically enter the pool of people with whom sex is acceptable.

I talked today with my metamour, M2, about this whole thing. She was vaguely carsick at the time, so wasn't able to say much, but when I said, "It kind of bothers me when M hits on everyone I introduce him to," she immediately responded, "Well, that's basically M." So I guess I shouldn't be surprised. She certainly isn't.

I would never try to change him. I couldn't. I talked with him last night to get some deeper insight into how how sees things, so I can frame them in a way I understand. During that conversation, I told him that because J and I had promised each other, long before M ever met her, to tell each other if something bothers us, I had kept that promise. I did apologize for the shitstorm it seems to unleash for him, but said that I would always keep my promises to people, and I would continue to be honest with everyone about how I'm feeling.

He talks about how he compartmentalizes everything. His relationship with M2 is in one box. His relationship with me is in another. Any relationships he has with anyone else are in yet another. They don't, in his mind, mix, so it makes no sense that I should be concerned about any relationship he wants to start up with J, because that's a separate box. He tells me that any two people who aren't me shouldn't be my concern.

So here's my deal, at this point. I know that I'm still coming at this relationship with the mindset of a mono: I get jealous when he's interested in someone else. I know I shouldn't, and simply knowing that he loves me enough to continue spending lots of time with me helps me begin to overcome these feelings. Someone asked why its different if he dates a friend vs. a stranger. I thought about that. I think that, too, comes from a mono place: this is MY friend. And at least in this case, it was about H, too. It just seemed bad form to start talking to J with an eye to dating her without at least telling H he was doing it. I know I need to let go of the scarcity mentality.

I have boundaries, even if he doesn't. So I know now what to expect from him, and will continue to have my own boundaries. If he cares to work with them, all will go well. If not, I will probably have to walk away. We'll see how it goes.
__________________
Me: married to H for 14 years.
M: Boyfriend of about 1 year.
M2: Boyfriend's girlfriend of about 5 years, and a good friend of mine.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 02-24-2014, 04:45 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,161
Default

The situation that ticks you off is almost like a sitcom, if you think about it. Two guys interested in the same chick, chatting her up, competing for her attention; the friend who introduced her to the first guy is upset that the second one hit on this chick, too, as if being first to meet her means he's got first dibs, like she's a hot new toy and doesn't have a mind of her own. Words fly, accusations, misunderstandings, blablabla... and everyone has forgotten that the woman in question will choose whomever she wants, or neither of them, in her own time, and according to her desires and preferences - so all this drama and taking offense is pointless.

Has anyone bothered to ask J if she's interested in either one of them?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 02-24-2014, 05:37 AM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 25
Default

Actually, yes, she has made her preferences (at least up to this point) known, at least to me.

She is not interested in anything further than friendship with M, because she does not like his lack of respect for others' feelings, or his inability to be open with everybody. She WAS interested at the very beginning, UNTIL she found out about his compartmentalizing, etc.

She is possibly interested in H, still trying to find time for them to be together alone to explore a little more freely.
__________________
Me: married to H for 14 years.
M: Boyfriend of about 1 year.
M2: Boyfriend's girlfriend of about 5 years, and a good friend of mine.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 02-24-2014, 05:39 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by OnTheCusp View Post
(He also tried hitting on best friend, who is married and mono. BF shut him down immediately, although M told me yesterday that he COULD get her if he wanted to. But he doesn't want to.)
This is a red flag.

Yes, he's poly. Yes, he has autonomy, meaning he's allowed to date anyone he wants... provided they are also willing.

Going around saying he could lay any woman he wants, even the monogamous married best friend, is disrespectful and gross. I assure you: if I was one of your friends, I would prove him oh-so-wrong. I don't fuck sleaze bags like that.

Those are the same kinds of people who try and convince you to stay with them because no one else will ever have you. You've voiced concern that you believe this to be the case. May I ask, who planted that seed?

Another red flag is hitting on someone when they're on a date with someone else. It's one thing if you're "one big happy poly family" and you're on a date with two of your partners at the same time, and they're both comfortable with the whole arrangement and everything. But when someone is in a budding relationship and they're trying to build a connection on a date, hitting on one of them is just inconsiderate.

Whether you cut him loose or continue to tolerate this is up to you of course, but don't expect him to change. He's shown every sign of being completely self-interested and inconsiderate. Self-agency doesn't mean you don't give a shit about how other people feel.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 02-24-2014, 02:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,919
Default

Quote:
He talks about how he compartmentalizes everything. His relationship with M2 is in one box. His relationship with me is in another. Any relationships he has with anyone else are in yet another. They don't, in his mind, mix, so it makes no sense that I should be concerned about any relationship he wants to start up with J, because that's a separate box. He tells me that any two people who aren't me shouldn't be my concern.
People don't live in silos -- insulated from everyone else. What you do in one box can and does affect other boxes. To what degree the polymath affects you depends on the configuration of the open relationship.

If he functions as a free agent personality who likes to compartmentalize his relationships, it does not automatically mean YOU function that way in your personality and your relationships. Everyone is different.

But when he says you "shouldn't feel" whatever it is you DO feel, it doesn't make space for you to feel something he disagrees with and talk to him. If all he can do is say "Well, you shouldn't feel that" when you do try to talk, you can't have emotional conversation in a meaningful way because he's not putting himself in your shoes or trying to see your POV. It sounds like just turning the whole thing "off."

It's hard to build trust with a partner who dismisses what you feel, cannot see your POV, etc. Because you don't know if they are going to ding you later. I'm not hearing that he has said anything like "I don't get WHY this bugs you. But I accept that it DOES bug you, so I will try not to ding you in that area."

It may come down to a basic incompatibility in fundamentals. Apples and oranges trying to date.

Quote:
I get jealous when he's interested in someone else. I know I shouldn't, and simply knowing that he loves me enough to continue spending lots of time with me helps me begin to overcome these feelings.
I don't see how him spending lots of time with you (bowling, shopping, watching movies, whatever you do together) helps you overcome your jealousy feelings. Because that is emotional conversation. When his response to emotional conversation with you is basically "Well, you shouldn't feel that way?" You aren't getting your need for empathy met there with him.

If you can get it elsewhere, that's great. But you aren't getting it here with him and maybe that dims your enthusiasm for dating him. Only you know.

Quote:
It just seemed bad form to start talking to J with an eye to dating her without at least telling H he was doing it. I know I need to let go of the scarcity mentality.
I agree it is bad form. Nobody says he can't date her. It's HOW he approaches dating her that is bothersome.

Quote:
I have boundaries, even if he doesn't. So I know now what to expect from him, and will continue to have my own boundaries. If he cares to work with them, all will go well. If not, I will probably have to walk away. We'll see how it goes.
That's pretty much it. He either works with your boundaries (whether he agrees with them or not) as part of the price of admission to date you or he does not. Then you decide to stay with him when he crosses your boundaries or not.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-24-2014 at 02:28 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 02-24-2014, 11:50 PM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 25
Default

SchrodingersCat: at least I can say this about him. He never planted that seed in my head, it's been firmly entrenched there for over 30 years. What he tells me is that he knows a huge number of men who would LOVE to be with me, and that I need to "show some confidence, Girl!" He also tells me he still can't believe I'd want to be his lover.

I'm beginning to not believe it either! : ) We'll see. Maybe I'll go back in wearing my full suit of armor.
__________________
Me: married to H for 14 years.
M: Boyfriend of about 1 year.
M2: Boyfriend's girlfriend of about 5 years, and a good friend of mine.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 02-25-2014, 05:56 AM
happytovee happytovee is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 28
Default

You can do better. It would be hard to do worse than a selfish, conceited guy.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:40 AM.