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Old 02-22-2014, 07:34 AM
Polytechnique Polytechnique is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2
Default Well, that escalated quickly...

Hello there.

I am not sure if this is an introduction post, cry for help, stream of consciousness exercise or simply a cheap way to avoid paying for a therapy session, but here it goes.

Background Info

I am a 39 YO Male who has been married to an amazing woman for almost 17 years. We have always had a great life together and our communication about what we really wanted in life has only gotten better and better over the years. About 7-8 years ago, we started talking about jealousy and trust and how it was nice to get attention from other people. Before long she suggested that we investigate swinging and while there is great appeal in certain aspects of swinging, outside of a few meet and greets and some close encounters with some casual friends, we never really found what we were looking for. Most of our conversations revolved around trying to find a group of close friends who we could evolve to being more than just friends with.

Over the last few years, we have found a few friends who we think might eventually evolve that way and she has found a couple close female friends that she has gotten close to, but outside of a lot of kissing and some grab ass play, not much has happened there (not that either of us would have pushed things along at any faster of a pace, we love our friends and if it goes somewhere, it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't)

We don't spend a lot of time trying to put rules or expectations on any of these situations we simply walk into them with an open mind and enjoy them for what they are.

We have spent a fair amount of time over the last year discussing open relationships and polyamory. While we aren't entirely sure any one form relationship would suit us, we do find some of the self imposed rules in some poly relationships perplexing (not judging other people's situations or agreements, more simply curious why people and a community who fights so hard to reject labels, happily jumps up to sort themselves out along lines and orders of "polytude" ), but I digress...

Over the years, we have both come to agree that we would not have a problem with the other seeing other people and I actively encourage my wife to seek out others. Often openly joking among our friends that I really wish she would get a boyfriend so she wouldn't be alone when I travel for work (which is fairly often). While she jokes that there are certain "wifely duties" that she would love to outsource.

So bottom line, we are open minded people who are open to a variety of situations, but who have not rushed into any one thing and are fairly inexperienced (but well researched) in a variety of areas.

Fast forward to this last weekend, we had an opportunity to be out of town for the weekend in combination with me having to be in Vegas for work. A lot of folks that I know personally and professionally were going to be in town that weekend too and a good friend of mine had some extra seats that he was able to sell me to a very popular singers concert. It was a small group of us including a mutual female friend, my good friend, his new boyfriend, my wife and myself. The music was great, the drinks flowed freely and we were all very comfortable with one another.

Now I need to pause here to interject a bit about my friend's and my relationship. We have a very strong emotional connection, we had very similar childhoods in some ways and both feel that we should not have gotten to the places we have gotten to in life because of our backgrounds. I can honestly say that I love him and have told him so, but have always seen it as a platonic love among friends (I have lost several close friends over the last few years and decided that I would never again avoid telling someone close to me that I loved them regardless of their gender and their comfort with my words. There are some moments you can never get back). My wife knew that this person was special to me and this was her first time meeting him.

Now, back to the evening. As the end of the concert neared, we all had enough drinks in us to be relaxed but still very lucid. My friend decides he wanted to kiss our mutual female friend and does so (He has identified gay most of his life and has dated only men for the last 25+ years). They kiss for a bit, then stop. Then he asks my wife if he could kiss her to which she says yes and they begin to kiss pretty intensely for several minutes (of course I could not blame him since she looked amazing in a sleeveless vintage style dress which emphasized her curvy figure). I truly had no issues with this. I have seen my wife kiss a few women over the years and she has only kissed one other guy since we have been married, but seeing her kissing my gay friend was truly one of the most erotic things I have seen in my life. I had no hint of jealousy only a feeling of both pride and happiness in watching her like that. This is about the time the concert ended and our female friend decided she was tired and needed to head back. Which left the 4 of us.

We decided to go grab a drink at a bar, but in the course of walking to the bar realized it was closer to go to my friend and his boyfriends room and drink out of the mini bar. Once in the room, we all grabbed drinks and headed out to the balcony with the Vegas strip as a backdrop. It didn't take long before my friend and wife were kissing again while I watched happily and his boyfriend watched a bit uncomfortably. His boyfriend and I started to discuss it, and his worry was twofold, first that my wife was being compelled to something that she did not want to do, and secondly that my friend was only pretending to enjoy himself with a woman (at this point my wife was topless and it had progressed beyond kissing). I assured him that she wouldn't be in the situation if she did not want to be, which she quickly confirmed. A few minutes of talking seemed to relax him. At some point during this my wife or friend made a comment that it would only be fair if I kissed the boyfriend.

This is probably a good place to pause and talk about me for a minute (not something I am typically fond of doing unless it involves telling embarrassing about myself). At almost 40, I have spent all of my life identifying as a typical straight male. I grew up in a very blue collar steel town, where everybody married straight and pretended to be happy, in the mean time they were screwing their hairdresser and the baby sitters... I have never been homophobic, but I will admit that well into my 20s that I made "Gay" jokes and became uncomfortable when I saw 2 guys being affectionate (we often fear what we don't truly understand). Over the last 20 years, as my thoughts and feelings have evolved and many of my friends have come out around me, I have judged far less and accepted more. I have become a staunch advocate that all of us were born equal and none should have to fight to regain their equality. With all of that said, I never imagined that I would at any point in my life choose to be attracted to or want to be sexual with a member of my own gender. It simply never was something that I expected.

To be continued in the next comment...
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Old 02-22-2014, 03:08 PM
Polytechnique Polytechnique is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 2

Back to the balcony...

I have always been very fluid in sexual situations and alcohol is the greatest social lubricant ever invented (though I was certainly conscious and in control of my actions). In that moment, it didn't seem unnatural at all. I looked at my wife asked her if she was good with that and with her approval, kissed a man for the first time in 40 years of life. And what I can tell you is, that there was none of the revulsion I expected and outside of the stubble, it was not at all different from kissing a woman (outside of an undercurrent of violent urgency that I think that many men tend to possess in comparison).

Without turning this into a novella or a graphic post, lets just say that the next couple of hours found me doing things and pushing boundaries that I never in my life expected and the whole time my wife and I were communicating and checking in with each others comfort level. I also kissed my friend at some point. I will say that after 2 hours, no one had yet reached the proverbial finish line and there was no penetrative acts performed beyond oral. At a certain point, things cooled a bit, mainly due to exhaustion from a long day and we decided that it was best to make our way back to our hotel. (btw, if you ever have to do a walk of shame in Vegas, I highly suggest you do it in a limo, makes it waaaay better).

Upon arrival, my wife and I continued to talk about things and discuss our mutual surprise at what had happened. And while we were both a bit surprised with were things went, neither of us were uncomfortable with anything or regretted any part of the night.

The next morning with my wife was filled with a fair amount of laughs and inside jokes along with a lot of double entendres (sharing a banana takes on a whole new level after a night like that). We spent the rest of that day talking through what happened and what we thought it all meant for each of us. We did not see our friends that day due to other commitments and my wife had to return home the next morning while I stayed a few extra days. I had a meal with my friend and his boyfriend before leaving town and we had chatted a bit the days prior to that. There was little to no awkwardness and we all laughed at a few inside jokes along the way.

I have been home a few days now and my wife and I have talked extensively. We aren't entirely sure what this means for each of us, but we have decided that we may be open to opening our relationship up and welcoming more people into it. I am not sure what all of this means for me, but I am certain that I am not eager to throw a label on just to fit into someone's idea of who I am. At the end of the day we are just going to take this the same way we always have, with an open mind and a fluid attitude.

That said, we have realized that there really are limited resources out there for people to talk to other like minded people (especially locally since we live in a smallish place and my job field and family situation is a barrier to living openly).

So here I am, telling some of our story to what I hope is a community of people who understand where we find ourselves. I look forward to learning from others and talking openly with folks about their knowledge and experiences.

Thanks for taking the time to stick with the story this long and I promise, future posts will have an eye for brevity (or else I will offer you a money back guarantee).
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Old 02-23-2014, 06:24 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,744

Greetings Polytechnique,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Your intro was interesting and an enjoyable read. It sounds like you have a good general sense for how you'd like to proceed, without assigning labels at this point and I too, will refrain from labeling. You will find many likeminded people here with whom you can share ideas and exchange knowledge and experience. To find friends somewhat local to you, try our Dating & Friendships subforum. To hear people's life stories and journalings, try our Life stories and blogs board. I think you will also find our Poly Relationships Corner and General Poly Discussions board helpful (for more spirited exchanges of questions and advice).

It's easy to see that your Vegas experience changed things profoundly for you, and that you will have a new outlook on how you wish to walk the path ahead. I hope Polyamory.com can be a part of that path and give you some compass readings.

Kevin T., "official greeter"


There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Old 02-24-2014, 04:58 PM
TrixieMixie TrixieMixie is offline
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Chicago
Posts: 9

Originally Posted by Polytechnique View Post
Hello there.

I am not sure if this is an introduction post, cry for help, stream of consciousness exercise or simply a cheap way to avoid paying for a therapy session, but here it goes.........
Confidence in yourself and belief in trust. Usually they bring happiness in all situations.
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