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Old 02-21-2014, 04:30 PM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
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Default Am I being unreasonable?

Please, before I begin: I know that to some of you, what I'm asking might seem stupid or wrong or some other negative thing. I'm here looking for advice, and I really do want to know if I'm in the wrong, but please, please if you need to tell me I'm out of line, don't attack me. Thanks!

I've been dating M for almost a year now. I knew from the moment we got together that he does not limit himself as to how many people he dates/has sex with/is friends with, although during that year, I don't think there have been many besides me and his primary, M2, so maybe I've gotten spoiled.

A few weeks ago, M2 was out of town, and so my husband, (H) and I went on a double date (with M2's full knowledge.) I was with M and H was with J, a potential new girlfriend for him. We all had a nice time. But yesterday, I was at lunch with M, and he told me he'd been chatting J up online, flirting with her. It blew me out of the water. Firstly, because I was horribly jealous. Secondly, it seems disrespectful of H to flirt with his potential gf. Now, I'm thinking that in PolyWorld, I shouldn't feel these ways. But I do. I found it very upsetting. M was very unapologetic. He said he was sorry that it upset me, but he wouldn't apologize for being outgoing, flirty and, essentially, poly.

We talked about it for quite some time, during which I asked him to just not hit on my friends. There are like what: a bajillion people in the world? I would like him to refrain from hitting on the 2 or 3 friends that I have. He told me no, and said that sooner or later, he WOULD fuck one of my friends. That's just how it is.

He then went on to say that he didn't like that I was trying to guilt him into not hitting on my friends by telling him that "my internal happiness was tied to his limiting his external choices." He then went on to say that it worried him thinking about how I might act if it turned out that J (husband's potential girlfriend) ended up liking M2. He's concerned about how I might treat M2 or J if I felt threatened. Again, I'm blown out of the water. I have NEVER treated any of them with anything but respect and love, and that won't change. I'm very non-confrontational, and don't have it in me to be mean to people.

He says I am denying him agency, in service of my own wants and needs. He called me a bully, because in opening up our marriage, I have had a more difficult time that H has, (and I'm not proud of this) but I initially had some difficulty allowing him the same amount of freedom that I had. So M is saying that I've bullied H into doing things the way I want them because H doesn't want to lose me. And yet, I feel that M is bullying me in the same way. In service of his own wants and needs, he will continue to hit on my few friends, whether it bothers me or not, and I can choose to accept it, or lose him.

Am I completely out of line telling him that having him hit on my friends upsets me, and expecting him to actually care about that enough to do something about it? Or am I just being naive?
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Me: married to H for 14 years.
M: Boyfriend of about 1 year.
M2: Boyfriend's girlfriend of about 5 years, and a good friend of mine.
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  #2  
Old 02-21-2014, 04:53 PM
london london is offline
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No. Youre not. But you knew this guy had a lack of ethics when he started seeing you.
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  #3  
Old 02-21-2014, 04:58 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Bit confused...you're asking if you should be upset that your boyfriend is hitting on your friends. But your post had to do with an entirely different message:

" I was with M and H was with J, a potential new girlfriend for him. We all had a nice time. But yesterday, I was at lunch with M, and he told me he'd been chatting J up online, flirting with her. It blew me out of the water. Firstly, because I was horribly jealous. Secondly, it seems disrespectful of H to flirt with his potential gf."

Again, confused. Why are you jealous that M is flirting with J, if it's a potential girlfriend and it's a double date? Also, what was that about it being disrespectful of H? Came totally out of the blue. No reference to him flirting with J....

Can you clarify your situation?
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Old 02-21-2014, 04:59 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Also, are your friends his friends? If so, you can't tell him not to date them. Not fair.
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  #5  
Old 02-21-2014, 05:23 PM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
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Okay, some clarification. On the double date, J was a potential new girlfriend for H. I had assumed that M would respect that H and J were trying to see if they had that "spark" and not hit on her himself.

Are my friends his friends? No, not until I introduced them. And not in a "here's someone you might want to get naked with" kind of way, just, "M, this is my best friend. Best friend, this is M." (He also tried hitting on best friend, who is married and mono. BF shut him down immediately, although M told me yesterday that he COULD get her if he wanted to. But he doesn't want to.)

Yes, London, I guess I did know that. The unfortunate part is that I fell in love. You know, I know he isn't asking more of me than he asks of M2. She, however, is the very picture of compersion. She actually tells M and I how adorable we are together. I know he isn't seeing a few specific people because M2 doesn't like them. I guess because I'm the secondary, I don't really get the luxury of making my feelings known and having them respected?

I guess yesterday just really threw into my face all the realities that I've been studiously ignoring for a long time. He isn't as committed to me as I am to him, although I don't know how committed he can ultimately be. He left his second wife of 12 years a month after she told him she didn't want him seeing M2. (Granted, there were many other problems, but still.) He doesn't take ultimatums well, even though I didn't think I issued one.

A lot of the things he says make sense. He spends a LOT of time with me, even to the exclusion of other people. He does keep coming back to me, just as he always returns to M2. He tells me I need to feel confident in our relationship, but my 40+ years of living in a mono world are a bit harder to just let slip away than that. I understand that his being with someone else doesn't diminish me, or how he feels about me. But it hurts when it's one of my friends, for some reason, or the girl who might be my husband's girlfriend.
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M: Boyfriend of about 1 year.
M2: Boyfriend's girlfriend of about 5 years, and a good friend of mine.
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  #6  
Old 02-21-2014, 05:29 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Yes it us disrespectful for your boyfriend to snipe your husbands potential girlfriend behind his back.

Telling me you are going to fuck one of my friends just because you can? He would have been dumped asap.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.

Last edited by Dagferi; 02-21-2014 at 06:32 PM.
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  #7  
Old 02-21-2014, 06:21 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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No, you are not being unreasonable. BF's behavior is not cool. There's usually some kind of "messy people" list for people. I might be poly but I would not want my partner to date my mother, my sister, my boss, etc. There's enough people in the world without doing that.

In this case? Your BF putting the moves on your Husband's new potential this way would count on "messy list" to me. He can't give that some space to sort out first and THEN see about dating her later? Jeez! What's he need to prove right this minute? That he can seduce anyone he sets his eye on?

Quote:
He then went on to say that he didn't like that I was trying to guilt him into not hitting on my friends by telling him that "my internal happiness was tied to his limiting his external choices."
So... he basically wants to behave however he likes without being accountable for his behavior when it dings you and not listen to you complain when it does? Is that it?

Quote:
I know he isn't seeing a few specific people because M2 doesn't like them. I guess because I'm the secondary, I don't really get the luxury of making my feelings known and having them respected?
ALL people deserve respect. You could be a secondary in some other polyship without him that gives you good manners, right? So this is not about polyshipping. This is not about being in a secondary role in your configuration. It is about HIS BEHAVIOR being unacceptable to you because it is ill-mannered.

He lacks in relationship skills, ethics, and/or social maturity.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-22-2014 at 04:49 AM.
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  #8  
Old 02-21-2014, 06:41 PM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
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GalaGirl--yes, basically, that's it. He gets to do what he wants when he wants to, and then tries to tell me he's helping me push MY boundaries.

There's another girl he's in contact with, and even though I didn't really say much about her, he somehow figured out that him seeing her made me uncomfortable, and voluntarily told me that he'd keep her in the friend zone until I figured it out. So he made a concession there, but I can't figure out why he won't make one here. Maybe I'm asking for too much?

Dagferi--he didn't exactly say he'd fuck one of my friends just because he can. He said that sooner or later, he would end up fucking one of my friends. He also stated that he could get my BF, if he really wanted to, but doesn't go after people just to prove a point. Big of him.

I do know that I'm just generally uncomfortable with him seeing anybody else but me and M2, which is ridiculous, given that this is a poly, sex-positive relationship. So I own that jealousy, and am working on it. I guess I'm just flabbergasted by his refusal to make this one concession. I literally have a small handful of friends, and the ones I've introduced him to have been hit on.

And yet, because I am weak, I don't want to drop him. I kind of just want to never introduce him to anybody ever again.
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Me: married to H for 14 years.
M: Boyfriend of about 1 year.
M2: Boyfriend's girlfriend of about 5 years, and a good friend of mine.
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  #9  
Old 02-21-2014, 06:43 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Why would you want to be with a man who is disrespectful to you?
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #10  
Old 02-21-2014, 07:10 PM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
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THAT is a very good question. I guess there's a lot of fear on my part that he's the only one who will want me, other than H. Dunno.
__________________
Me: married to H for 14 years.
M: Boyfriend of about 1 year.
M2: Boyfriend's girlfriend of about 5 years, and a good friend of mine.

Last edited by OnTheCusp; 02-21-2014 at 07:17 PM.
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